Our house is in chaos. One boy is serving a three-day suspension from school for fighting, and the other had some kind of run-in with a teacher today, and she flipped-out on him. She reportedly screamed, “Shut up! I hate you!!” during class. She also called him “stupid” (because he has an opinion that doesn’t correspond with hers), and mocked and belittled him.
This is still fresh information, and I’m trying to decide how to proceed. But I’m fairly whipped-up about it. It’s successfully knocked me out of my Thursday stupor. Grrr…
But, I’m going to try to put it out of my mind for a little while, and clear out the ol’ notebook. I’ve got a lot of odds ‘n’ ends (but mostly odds) building up, and it’s time for another purge. Please join me, won’t you?
Two or three times per month I receive an email from someone who wants to support the website, by doing their Amazon shopping through one of our links. But they’re not sure which links are valid, and if they’re doing it the right way… This has been going on for years, so it’s a legitimate problem.
And now, a decade or so later, I came up with a solution. Oh, I’m nothing if not quick. In the sidebar you’ll see a new box, with “Buying something from Amazon?” at the top. It’ll always be there, in the same place, until the end of time. And if you click through it to the Amazon site, I’ll receive a percentage of whatever you spend there. Thank you guys for your support, and sorry for the confusion. Hopefully this will take care of it.
Yesterday I mentioned my effeminate ice cream order from Saturday afternoon: small strawberry shortcake in a cup. But I forgot to ask: is there a less-manly ice cream order? Can you think of one? Please tell us about it in the comments. Did I somehow stumble upon the most poofter of all ice cream shop requests? Please tell me it could’ve been worse.
On Sunday I forgot my lunch, and had to zip over to McDonald’s during my half-hour break at work. Most days the cafeteria in our building is open, but not on Sundays.
So, I placed my order, and waited. Then I waited some more, and… a little more. A couple of times during this fast food purgatory an exhausted-looking woman, stinking of management, apologized to me. But the goddamn clock was ticking. I had to be back at my desk 30 minutes after I left it.
Finally, they handed me my order, and the woman said they’d given me a large (HUGE!) order of fries, because I’d had to wait so long. But… I’d had to wait so long, I didn’t have time to eat them. It’s like an O. Henry story.
I started shoving them in, six at a time, but the damn things seemed to be regenerating. I took them with me, and laid the enormous thing on the console in my car, but it was no use. I ended up throwing about 10,000 delicious McDonald’s french fries into a trash can. It was my own personal Sophie’s Choice. I’m sorry… I’m getting emotional.
You know what I love? Watching mega-nerds try to prove they’re not as nerdy as you might think. There should be a 24-hour cable network where comedians or musicians, or even civilian hipsters, make small-talk with hardened nerds. And we could all just sit back, crack open a Yuengling, and watch ‘em flail. It would be top-shelf entertainment.
And you know what I hate? When I miscalculate the laundry, and end up going to work with damp pants. They come out of the dryer pipin’ hot, and feel dry. But then I put ‘em on… and realize the seams are still wet. It happened to me earlier in the week, and it felt like my underwear was suctioned to my ass all night. I had to keep plucking and plucking… It was a horrible turn of events.
Speaking of that… I was in Wal-Mart recently, buying contact lens solution. It’s the only reason I set foot in that place. But I always like to see what crazy combinations of things people are buying there. I saw a woman pushing around a shopping cart with nothing but a bra inside, and a single cantaloupe. That made me laugh.
As I was headed toward the eye care aisle, I got an idea: I’d like to go to Wal-Mart or Target and buy a large bale of tighty-whities, and a bottle of stain remover. Then I could hold up the bottle, and ask the cashier, “Do you think this will be enough?” I could have an accomplice secretly videotape the whole thing. What do you think?
And what other combos of things could we do, ending with, “Do you think this will be enough?” Help me out, won’t you? Use the comments section below.
And I’m calling it a week, my friends. We’re having meatball subs for dinner, and then I might take Andy (Black Lips Houlihan) for a walk, and free-fall into a chair with my Kindle. I’m reading this MTV book, and it’s fantastic.
Before I go, one more Question: Have you ever had any dealings with out-of-control school teachers? Your kids’ or your own? If so, we’ll need to know about it. Tell us about it below. Dammit! Now I’m thinking about it again…
Have a great day, my friends.
I’ll see ya again soon.
Now playing in the bunker
Use the Surf Report’s webhost: HostGator!
One?
As for the “Do you think this will be enough?” question … bannanas and K-Y jelly.
I had this tough as hell WW2 vet (Iwo Jima) for a shop teacher. One day, he is backing a car out of the shop, and did a little tap on the horn so he didn’t run anyone over. Anyway, I decide to say “Horn blows. Does your wife?”
For some reason, he didn’t think that was all that funny. Go figure. My feet didn’t touch the floor as he dragged me by the neck to the office for my unplanned vacation from school. My Mom thought it was funny.
I was a fairly good student but was a bit, ahem, spirited, as they say, so my advice is to hammer that teacher for being a thin skinned shit. Of course 23 years ago in 11th grade I got a zero on my Bartelby the Scrivner test for turning it in blank with “I prefer not to” scrawled across the top and got Kubla Kahn dropped from the curriculum out of spite because they wanted us to read the unfinished masterpiece of the opium addict the same week we had a D.A.R.E. assembly. I also got caught leaving school so much my senior year that I had to turn my car keys into the principal every morning, so I may not not be the best one to ask about respecting authority.
Your “Bartleby the Scrivner” test response is sheer brilliance, and deserved an A+ / 100. Your teacher was a dummy.
Two, tree…?
I like the underwear/stain remover combo. That’s a good one.
I had this friend who would go grocery shopping with his wife. When they got to the check-outs, he would hold up a giant package of toilet paper and loudly say to the cashier, ‘ Do you think this is enough toilet paper for this much food’?
I think his wife shops on her own now.
I had a buddy that would pick up the dog food can in the checkout line and say, “Meatloaf again?”. I would’ve felt sorry for his wife, but she had to know what she was in for when she married him.
Had a Sophomore Social Studies teacher who hated me because I would correct him and the book on incorrect facts in the book–pulled me out in the hallway and told me I was being a distraction and that he wouldn’t call on me the rest of the school year (8 months). Same teacher threw a fit and tried to throw a good friend out of his class for having a binder to hold his notebooks instead of just a notebook. The guy just didn’t know when to quit and ended up dealing with some irate parents over the years, including my old man (who told him that he should be thankful to be corrected, instead of sounding like a jackass spouting off incorrect facts.) My brother hit a kid in the head with a HEAVY science book when they were on the bus and my old man squared off with a guidance counselor about the right to protect yourself–that one ended with an “agree to disagree”, as the old man taught us that you were never to throw the first punch, but always throw the last one.
Tutti Frutti is in direct violation of possessing a Man Card. It’s on the list. You dodged the bullet on the Strawberry Shortcake by not adding Jimmies…but you got awful goddamn close.
Two ice cream varieties girlier than your order: cotton candy, and bubble gum.
No kids, so I can’t help you on the teacher front. As for the ice cream, at least you ordered ice cream – as opposed to, say, fat-free frozen yogurt.
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12th-grade English teacher…the drunk. Said I cheated on as SPELLING TEST and was going to fail me for the year. Me, the A+ English student! Wha???
I said no, my folks got involved, she backed down, I graduated, and still remember to recall her angrily every once in a while just so she know I won’t forget.
I like to hold up the toilet paper and ask the cashier if they think it’s enough for the amount of food I’m buying.
I took a date to the supermarket late, late one night after a few cocktails. I put in the basket:
1. KY
2. Batteries
3. Cucumber
4. Romance Novel
then made an excuse to dash off for a minute when we got to the cashier. Hilarity ensued.
Wait, I do have a teacher story. When I was in 8th grade, we had a tough-guy shop teacher. One day he was very upset because J. Edgar Hoover had just died. Struggling, he said it was “a great death”. One of my wise-ass classmates did not share his admiration of the late Mr. Hoover, and retorted that the death was almost as great as Hitler’s. The teacher took umbrage.
.
I think being a teacher at a middle or high school must be the hardest job ever. Just think of 20 or 30, 15 year olds all in the same room. It makes me want to hide under the covers just thinking about it.
Any ice cream with sprinkles on it is girly style.
My daughter just graduated with 3.84 gpa. She had a complete bitch teaching her yearbook class. She still had one page to complete, but it was all dependent on the softball team finishing their season which is still on-going.
The teacher picked-up her final grades and refused to give it to her until the page is completed saying that she has had seniors in the past blow off work after graduation.
My wife, who teaches in the local elementary school, paid the teacher a visit, demanded the grades and told her our daughter had every intention of finishing her work but if the wife had her way our daughter would never show her face in that classroom again.
Good thing the wife beat me to her, I would have probably ended up on the local news.
Yearbook class sure has changed since the 60’s. It was non-credit at my high school and a sure way for a free pass to wander the halls. I’d just grab a group photo from the pile and I’d have my excuse to be out of class “identifying the students in the picture.”
The only thing I learned from that class was during our trip to NYC for a yearbook seminar: the wino in the Greenwich Village subway station at 3:00 a.m. (who doesn’t sneak out?) is pretty scary to a 16 year-old suburban girl.
I almost got kicked out of Catholic school for some stuff that I was associated with, but managed to stay in because the sister in charge liked me. That was not enough for one teacher on the faculty there. He gave me a really hard time for the remainder of my tenure there. I sincerely hope that he no longer has a position wherein he shapes the minds of young people. Folks with a major chip on their shoulder have no place in such positions, but all too often find their way into such places. Sounds like JK’s boy was dealing with such a person. I completely understand and agree if you decide to go in there and tear this ‘teacher’ a new one.
Dude, I want to comment on your post, but I’m still recovering from the sight of those thinly covered labia on the further evidence link. Prancercise? Holy fucknuts, that crackhead needs a new wig, new teeth and a kick starter campaign for her sagging meat curtains.
The Camel Toe was the first thing I noticed about that link.
HAhaha….that was some outstanding camel toe footage!!! I bet you Neil Armstrong could have seen that thing from the moon!
I think that was Chewbacca’s wig…
Anybody who has the slightest interest in radio or podcasting needs to hear the Maron interview with Phil Hendrie. It dropped tonight. Just get comfortable and listen to two pros talking about making it and not making it in a very tough business.
While you’re at it, catch Maron’s discussion with John Fogerty earlier this week. Man, talk about emotions laid bare.
jtb
Biggest cucumber, biggest jar of Vaseline they have and a tube of Preparation H. Get to the checkout and act like you’re talking to yourself “Am I missing anything?”.
Now would that be considerate towards the cashier’s feelings?
No…I think a “small strawberry shortcake in a cup” is pretty much THE perfect order for a “fancy lad!” 🙂
Also, any teacher that screams that she hates one of her students is clearly out of control and needs a quick dose of reality!
This one’s for Becki, so I hope she’s reading.
Had a substitute teacher for an English class in Jr. High. The woman was a complete bitch and the one thing I remember about her was that all of her facial features were limited to a 3 square inch area of her face. Never seen anything like it. Anyway, she was giving us a spelling test, where she would say the word and we had to write down the word and add a definition. She came to the word “psychoanalysis”, said the word and added “some of the students in this classroom need psychoanalysis”. Without hesitation, I blurted out “well, you need a facelift”. I soon departed the classroom and had a little discussion with Mr. Morrison, the vice-principal.
When my daughter was in middle school, she was teased by a boy in her class. (He kept telling her she was fat. She wasn’t fat.) So I’d offer advice like, “Just ignore him.” Then, “Maybe he likes you.” and finally, I gave her some insults to throw back at him, and that worked like a charm. Meanwhile, every time there was some drama at school, the teacher would call me at home and ask me if my daughter had gotten her period yet. I think she was 10 years old at the time. What a weirdo. I think I felt more harassed than my kid did.
I got yelled at because they were breaking students into groups based on the season their birthdays were in. My birthday is Sept 13 which while barely is still summer. I was told I was in the fall group. I believe I was 8.
In 6th grade when I was not a good math student I argued with a priest over the definition of area. I said something was 94 square miles and he said that would make it 94 miles per side. What a douche. During sex ed he also said “the penis is not a lollipop”. Good times.
I went head to head with my spanish teacher because she would treat the students who started high school in the advanced class better than the rest of us. She caught me keeping a tally of who got to go to their lockers and who didn’t. She didn’t appreciate that.
I just noticed that the Amazon button links to “thewestvirgin”.
I guess Toney has some ‘splainin’ to do! lol
As for the “Do you think this will be enough?” question … bannanas and K-Y jelly.
Not for nothing, Jeff, but you may want to to check the validity of your boy’s story about his teacher before ripping her a new one. In my experience, my own kids tend to “embellish” a bit.
Gotta agree with you, sosurmom. Kid’s excuses for doing stuff at school can almost make Goering’s excuse for the Holocaust seem plausible. First rule you learn in childhood, Lie, lie, lie….until it is no longer plausible, then break down crying and ask for forgiveness. Hey, it didn’t work for Jody Arias, but as a kid, it’s worth a shot!
Yeah, but you can bet on one thing……That chick must be dynamite in the sack!
My late husband was a pro at embarrassing me at the grocery check out. I think that was the only reason he went with me.
We were checking out one time and as the cashier rang up the last item, my husband reached across the cart, handed the cashier a 4 pack of huge batteries saying, “you think *these* will be big enough for that vibrator of yours, babe?” I felt actual heat from my neck to my face and was absolutely mortified. Almost laughing and crying all at once. Hilarious. The cashier had no expression whatsoever!
Oh my word! I wish I would have known him! My current wife is too uptight for jokes, but my late fiance from 30 tyears ago feigned shock, and loved to punch me in the arm on our way out of the store. One time we went in to purchase condoms, and she was standing beside me. I winked at the cashier and asked her, “I’ll bet you don’t know what WE’RE going to be doing all night! Bikerchick, you are such a breath of fresh air. Rarely does one find a woman with a guy’s sense of humor. I thank you for the honor of knowing you through this website.
Thanks, CC! My late husband did that stuff to EVERYONE, not just me. We were all targets. He would put potatoes under my pillow at night. So when I would go to bed for the night, my head hit the pillow…..”the fuck???”. Potatoes.
The BEST was when I was parallel parking my car outside my house, I turned to get out of the car only to see him standing on the sidewalk with nothing on but a sock over his dick.
Stupid shit like that makes life fun….a little surprise like that never hurt anyone. It may get arrested for a sexual deviant….but fun.
Had my desk moved out into the hall for a week after telling my 9th grade English teacher that she didn’t deserve my work. Was also in hot water in 7th grade for co-authoring a serialized adaptation of Journey to the Center of the Earth starring Sister as the pack mule and Mother Superior as the devil.
Some teachers have no sense of humor.
One package of adult diapers and 45 gallons of Perrier.
hilarious…..
1 scoop of Peach Melba in a small waffle cone with sprinkles.
…or anything that requires you to utter the word “hazelnut”
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chill, I bet you have a field day when you walk down the cookie aisle at the store and come to the “Nutterbutters.” 🙂
Fruit sorbet with sprinkles and fat-free whipped topping is way more girlie than what you got. As for the manlier offerings, I think black walnut and butter pecan would do. ew.
Regarding incompetent teachers who cover by making students’ lives miserable, there is a peculiar nest of them in a local middle school here. The principal, a very nice man–too nice to be managing that herd of harpies–just smiles at parent complaints and says he will take care of it, or he thinks it will be alright. Not. All the while, these, er, ladies make it their business to goad every student they single out (in their impromptu faculty get togethers in the teachers’ lounge, I assume) into a frustrated rage just so they can say, “ah-HAH!! Anger management issues!! Yeh, uh-huh!”). I wonder how many kids’ lives have been warped by these erstwhile do-gooders hounding them to a frenzy so that they have to be disciplined for something that would not have happened otherwise. Some of these kids have no parental back-up because their parents are too busy, naive, or just don’t care. Everybody has their breaking point, and when it comes to young adolescent males, the idea that provoking them into acting out will help make society safer is just wrong. I think of them–unfondly–every time that Anderson Cooper anti-bullying commercial comes on where Anderson encourages kids to tell “a responsible adult, like a teacher” if they are being bullied. Twits.
I had a junior high school science teacher that marked an answer on my science test wrong. Not only did she mark it wrong, she wrote, “Ha ha, very funny” on the test paper. The question was, “What is the current theory of the creation of the universe?”, to which I answered, “The Big Bang theory”. I didn’t know what the textbook was claiming at the time, but had seen the theory of the Big Bang on Nova a couple of weeks before. Yeah, I grew up in a family of nerds.
After that, I spent the remainder of the semester doing nothing but sketching paintings. Yet somehow I managed to pass the class.
One day in high school trig class, after a good half hour of sine, co-sine and tangent gibberish coming from the front of the room, I began to drift off, glaze over and in general not give a fuck. I decided right then and there…I just don’t choogle enough and by all that I deemed holy at that time, I needed to resume and keep on…chooglin’. In fact…I decided a life of chooglin’ was what I was destined to do. Mr. Bivins (aka, Sarge) found no humor in my life’s decision. So I choogled my way to the wardens office and requested and received a transfer to study hall.
My junior high Spanish teacher, an eccentric but usually harmless sort, jumped up from her desk one quiet afternoon in class and yelled “Voy a hacerle daño a su cuerpo!” which means “I am going to harm your body” while looking directly at me. At first I didn’t even think she was talking to me, as I had done nothing (no one had done anything, in fact–the classroom was completely silent) Perplexed, I asked if I had done anything wrong. “You KNOW what you did!” she bellowed, “and if you do it again, I’ll have you suspended!” As I was not a kid known for mischief or disruption, the entire class was slack-jawed in shock and confusion. At the end of class, I went to the teacher and asked again if I had done something, perhaps unintentionally, to anger her. “Unless you want to get suspended get away from my desk!” was her sole reply, delivered through clenched teeth. It remains one of the most baffling experiences of my life…
You could have purchased your ice cream from this establishment:
http://biggayicecream.com/
I had an absolutely horrendous fifth grade teacher. He may have been a good teacher at one time, since he had been at that school forever, but when I had him he was clearly ready for retirement and chose to treat his students with belligerence. He did very little actual teaching, but plenty of yelling. If one student did something to set him off, he would send that kid out to the hall and then spend 15 minutes yelling at the REST of us about how useless we were. He loved to tell us that the only reason we’d passed fourth grade was that we were too big to stay there. Nice, real nice to say to a bunch of ten year olds.
My mom spent a good amount of time in contact with the principal over this lunatic, as did several other parents. At the end of the year he retired, I’m sure with quite a bit of encouragement.
In hindsight, some of it us funny. I remember one day he launched into a longwinded rant about how he was not going to accept any of us pronouncing “Roosevelt” incorrectly, insisting that it was “ruse” not “rose”, like, oh, everybody else in the world says it. What a jackass.
Jeff, I have the MTV book on deck while I read Louder Than Hell, the history of heavy metal. It’s awesome and my life is flashing before my eyes. Glad to know I have another winner just ahead.
Of course, Just Kill Me, the punk book, is a classic, too – if you haven’t read it, I HIGHLY recommend it.
Oh, I had some doozy teachers in my day. I remember th first day of school one of my english teachers in high school mentioned that she was deathly allergic to roses. Big mistake. That woman was the most uptight bitch I’d ever met. Needless to say, she got roses on the last day of school.
I’m just happy that I attended elementary school back when child abuse was ok and teachers did their own share of it.
Man, ain’t that the truth! It seemed like every teacher had their own paddles, customized to inflict the most pain. My worst was in 4th grade with Mrs. (4 finger) Hensley. She lost her middle finger when she was a kid, reaching into a KitchenAid mixer to grab some cookie dough She had a paddle on the chalk tray of the blackboard with the words “Board of Education” painted on it. She had custom drilled holes in the paddle to make the swats more painful.
She looked at the time like she was 100 years old, but she was fiesty. One time a friend of mine was talking in the back row of class. She picked up one of the long erasers from the chalkboard and threw it back and got him right in the head. Needless to say, noone messed with Mrs. Hensley after that!.
LOL, we had a Mrs. Hensley in high school. She was the home economics teacher that Jeff talked about a while back. During lunch one day, while she was out, we filled the clothes dryer with everything imaginable, pie pans, books, silverware, etc. Made one HELL of a racket, so we hauled ass out of there.
Do the Walmart undies prank. Video it. Put it on YouTube. Please.
I am an 80’s girl. Always will be. I just downloaded the MTV book on my Kindle. Can’t wait to sink my teef into it! Thanks for the recommendation!
bikerchick, you OBVIOUSLY aren’t from West Virginia. If you were, you’d not be able to sink your “toof” into it. lol
Hey Jeff, you lucked out better than me on MY worst McDonald’s experience. I had waited forever, and finally, got my order. The zitster girl behind the counter said, “I gave you extra fries because they’re cold.” What in the name of Jean Stapleton’s ghost is that somehow doing me a value added favor?
That ranks right up there on the “customer service” list with my renting a car a 6:00 AM in Buffalo, NY (after sleeping on a bench for 5 hours). I had a car reserved, and of course the lady tried to upsell me to a bigger car for “only $10.00 a day. I told her, “Nope, the go-kart I have reserved is good enough for me.” She then said, “Well I’m going to put you in the larger car for free, as we are all out of the smaller cars you reserved.” Huuuuh??????
Out of control teachers: Redmond (WA) Junior High. A friend of mine was being a little rambunctious and the math teacher took him out to the hallway. At the same time, I took it upon myself to “go to the boys room” and I saw the math teacher/wrestling coach grab me friend by the front of the hair and smack the back of his head into the concrete block wall. Hey. it was 1971, no brain damage, no foul.
Gee, I hope Jeff isn’t whipping his hands through his hair.
He’s just busy shitting the head rest.
Oh, OK, that explains it then. Thanks!
Worst day run ever….check every morning to give me a much needed morning pick-me-up…nothing. Hope Jeff’s nose volcano didn’t blow.
Did Jeff croak?
He’s still tweeting…
Probably spent some time in jail for beating up his kids teacher.
Let’s bail him out. Imagine THIS crew showing up at the jailhouse to post bond?
Ok…
I am having a really shitty day. Real. Shitty. I seriously need to just hide and cry. No update. Just add it to the list.
Hope all is well, Jeff. Even if you are with Bubba in jail.
Here, bikerchick, have a hug.
Now let’s go out and kick someone’s ass for shits and giggles. That may cheer us up.