I have a 36 mile commute to work, and it took 1 hour, 25 minutes for me to get there on Monday. I was massively late, and so agitated I almost blew a hole in the side of my brain.
The next two days I tested alternate routes, and both were only slightly better.
I’ve lived in Atlanta and Los Angeles County, and this place is just as bad. Not because of the number of cars on the road, but because of “construction.” Continuous, unceasing “construction…”
My blood pressure is spiking, just thinking about it. I feel like going to Target, and throwing haymakers at complete strangers. …I almost said Wal-Mart, but I’d probably get my ass kicked in there.
I’m fairly confident I could take the average Target shopper, though.
A few days ago our cable service stopped working on the Big Ass Television (BAT). Well, to be more precise, all channels above 13 stopped working… Just downstairs, though; the TV in the living room was somehow unaffected.
Fearing the worst, we (Toney) called Comcast. And they tried to fix it remotely, which didn’t work. So, they said they’d have to send someone out.
We haven’t experienced too many bumps in the road since Adelphia went away; Comcast has been shockingly reliable, with both TV and internet. But I know how these outfits operate… I figured we’d have to wait a week before they had an opening, and got pissed in advance.
But they said, “How’s 8 AM tomorrow morning work for you?” I couldn’t believe it. I realize it’s not fashionable to praise your cable company, but Comcast has been great. Expensive, but great.
And while I prefer cheap but great (the Clive Bull full-show podcast), or even free and great (WordPress), I’ll gladly settle for expensive but great (Comcast). Ya know?
What would you list in those three categories? Do you have one for each? Use the comments section to bring us up to date.
I know I’m jinxing myself, and being completely foolish here, but it’s already July and we haven’t had to use any of the Soviet humbox air conditioners yet. All twenty of them (or whatever) are still stacked in the basement. It’s been an unusually mild summer, and I’ll take it. In fact, it’s a little chilly right now. How great is that?
But, of course, now that I’ve spoken about it, all hell will break loose. Within days it’ll be as if we’re living deep inside Ernest Borgnine’s butt crack.
Yes, it’s best to keep some thoughts to ourselves.
Wanna see something strange? Why, of course you do. My friend Tim mailed me a brochure a few days ago, advertising Ripley’s Aquarium in the Smoky Mountains, and their new summer exhibit. Check it out.
Tim included a post-it note with the following written on it: “Come one! Come all!! See the little babies as they struggle for each breath.”
Is that some weird shit, or what? What will they have next year? Polio victims? The Lighter Side of Dementia? People who communicate through a microphone pressed to a neck hole?
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
And Brad sent me a funny link a few nights ago. This one. I thought some of you might get a kick out of “Ryan Jensen’s” impressive accomplishment.
Do you have any scars? My knees are all jacked-up from various childhood shenanigans. And I have a scar on the pointer finger on my left hand, from an old paper route injury. But that’s all I have to offer, I’m ashamed to admit. What about you?
…Yes, scars. That’s what it’s come to. Do we have a problem?
This month’s Best Beer of All-Time: Stone Brewing IPA. God, I wish I had one right now. They’re nothing short of fantastic. Indeed, it’s the Best Beer of All-Time (July).
I’m not very good at doing accents. I start out OK, but always drift Chinese. If I’m trying to imitate an Indian customer service person, for instance, I sound Indian for a few seconds, then lapse into the voice of a ball-busting Chinese man who worked at a laundromat in Greensboro years ago:
“You marrie?! Hahahaha! You nee wife!! You goddamn pathetic. Hahahahaha!!”
Every single time. The man haunts me in my soul…
And I’ll close out this disjointed mess with one more Question: Do you still read a daily newspaper? If so, which one? What sections? What features keep you going back?
I’ve never been a big newspaper reader, I’m afraid. I used to follow the baseball standings, and checked out the box scores, etc. But I don’t even do that much anymore. I get all my info via the internet.
Toney, on the other hand, still reads the paper front to back, like it’s 1978. She knows all the local scuttlebutt, and I know nothing. I envy her focus, but I just can’t do it.
What about you? Do you still read a physical daily paper, made of paper? Tell us about it.
And I’m going to Best Buy now, to purchase the new Wilco album, entitled Wilco (The Album). You guys have yourselves a great weekend.
I’ll see you on Monday.
Jeff
Your tv has probably gotten set to antenna instead of cable, just go into the menu where you set up the channels and change it back.
Scars, a few physical ones but the emotional ones are much more interesting…..
Beer, yuck, someone pour me a rum and coke.
all cable sucks
Hey! I got a pencil lead too! In my right knee, from doing a powerslide down the hallway at school in seventh grade and crashing into a classmate who’d just done the same, but with a pencil in his back pocket.
I have two creepy-looking souvenirs from life in the tropics on my right calf, from getting a weird infection that I suspect was streptococcus pyogenes: started off like little pimples and became expanding, bleeding, pus- and assorted-fluid oozing sores that eventually ate all the way down to the muscle. One’s about the size of a quarter, the other’s a little smaller. Hurt like hell, gave me a bad fever, etc., etc. Doctor here (they ain’t the brightest) said they were boils. My wife and her peasant wisdom-filled mother finally cured them with a pasty combination of coconut oil, ashes from the burnt leaves of some kind of tree, and crushed-up penicillin tablets. Which also hurt like hell, but it worked.
Left some nasty marks though. I usually tell people they’re bullet holes, that sounds more manly.
Read our weekly local newspaper which is delivered free, plus I pick up the free London papers: 1 in the morning and 2 in the evening though I’ve read most of the stories on line so they’re a quick read on the train. I actually bought 2 national papers recently – The Sunday Times to get my free Withnail & I DVD which was worth the £2(!) and the News of the World for a free haircut offer ….
Scars – I have way too many paper cuts on hands/fingers. Being a secretary for 20-odd years doesn’t help. Also, both knees are pretty damaged. Probably from falling down drunk too often … I usually have plenty of unexplained bruises, too.
From top downwards;
3x stiches right eyebrow – teenage fist fight
7x stitches right eyelid – jumped
7x stitches left jaw -cyst removal
4x stitches lower lip -jumped-same incident as above
20x stiches neck from jugular to windpipe – knife attack- used a few of my nine lives on that one!
18x stiches lower abdomen -apendectomy- just in time!
12x stiches scrotum- hydrocele
Funny thing is that I always wanted a scar as a kid.
(Well OK, not the one on my balls!!)
I have a starburst pattern on both cheeks from a ritual scarification performed by the high priest of Er-Duh after I was abducted by his alien spacepawns and thoroughly probed.
I hear that’s what happened to Seal, too.
Scars. Loads, but none too interesting (Tiff, you seriously raised the bar) and none disfiguring.
The one that had the potential to be disfiguring is the one on my forehead from falling out of bed when I was 6. The ER doctor told my dad that he (the doc) wasn’t a surgeon and wasn’t great at doing stitches. My dad looked at him and said, “Well, I am a medical malpractice attorney, and I am sure that you will do a fine job stitching up my daughter’s face.” And he did.
Oh, and JCIII, I too have a scar from pulling over a huge Zenith TV that was precariously placed on a flimsy TV tray when I was about three. Mine is on my pinky, where the outer edge had to be stitched back on.
Free and great – sex
Cheap and great – chocolate marshmallows
Expensive and great – Harveston Ola Dubh (although I would like to try this flying first class thing that has been mentioned – it sounds awesome!)
All this visceral scar business is really grossin’ me out, but here goes: when I was 10, I was into making candles. I had a vat of boiling paraffin on the stove, and accidentally dumped about 3/4 of a gallon of it on my legs. I have a burn scar on my right thigh, which is about 4 inches wide and 8 inches long. It took about 6 to 8 months to heal. I wasn’t interested in candles after that. Talk about pain. Whew!
Scars- I have tons. I am more than slightly accident prone.
Left temple- Got attacked by a dog at age 3, had over 200 stitches. Plastic surgery on the scar for high school graduation, looks much better.
Belly- Appendectomy and double ovary removal. Looks like something out of frankenstein. Mr. Wally calls it my stripper scar.
Hands- Bit by a bobcat volunteering at the zoo. Sliced open my finger with a pair of tongs throwing a hissy fit in the kitchen at work.
Arms- mutiple burn scars from popping fajita platters. Do not recommend working in a mexican restaurant for this, and many other reasons.
I do read a paper news source but read the local newspaper online everyday. Love the comments! There are some truly stupid people in this town!
Still read the Parkersburg News and Sentinel (now one paper) seven days a week. It’s much easier to take a paper to john, than a laptop. When I was a kid, my dad used to get numerous Sunday papers, including The Pittsburgh Press, Columbus Dispatch, Washington Post, and The New York Times. I loved spending Sunday afternoon reading each and every page of all of them. Now, I just don’t have the time. The only out-of-town paper I still read is the Sunday edition of The Charleston Gazette, the best paper in the state.
Free but great: masturbation.
Cheap but great: salt.
Expensive but great: Ruth’s Chris steaks.
I have lots of scars but I’ll only point out one. It’s between my pinky and ring finger on my right hand. I was wiping out a wine glass and it just as I made a swipe it cracked open at the rim and sliced my hand open. You could see bone or tendon or something, it didn’t bleed at first.
Free but great: masturbation.
Cheap but great: salt.
Expensive but great: Ruth’s Chris steaks.
I read the sunday paper but that’s it. I also get about 10 or 12 magazines in the mail every month. Nothing pornographic (sickos), just stuff like Reader’s Digest.
I have lots of scars but I’ll only point out one. It’s between my pinky and ring finger on my right hand. I was wiping out a wine glass and it just as I made a swipe it cracked open at the rim and sliced my hand open. You could see bone or tendon or something, it didn’t bleed at first.
Sorry for the double post.
Sorry for the double post.
Wow, these comments are giving me a Google workout — 4Chan/b/, pilonidal cyst, debridement, streptococcus pyogenes, hydrocele, Harvieston Ola Dubh. Who knew you could learn so much in one day from reading the WVSR?
And it seems that you all are living examples of cautionary tales. Pencil lead, chain link fences, Johannesburg, frozen cow pies, candlemaking and …rabbit bites?
I am reminded of a cupla other scars that don’t belong to me, but…. My friend’s teenage son had testicular torsion and lost one after the blood supply was cut off. My friend, being a good mother, bought her son an implant for his 18th birthday because he was self conscious about it. I told her not to do it because as long as he was embarrassed by the missing testicle, he would remain a virgin. Besides, would a “nice” teenage girl know the difference? Money wasted, I say. I frequently tell the kid to be grateful I’m not his mother.
Another friend has a 5-inch scar across his neck where he had an orange-sized tumor removed. You can’t really see the scar because it’s currently covered by a fat roll on his neck. Told him if he ever lost weight and the scar became visible, he should concoct a really, really good story because no girl wants to hear that he had the tumor for AN ENTIRE YEAR before he sought medical advice, only to find out that it was Hodgkins. Being a dumbass will not get you laid, but having your neck slashed in some gruesome way just might.
btw – cost of one fake testicle? $1800 just for the part. Surgery not included. My friend should have given the surgeon one of those little rubber balls from the gumball machine at Wal-Mart to implant. Again, money wasted, I say.
I’m a day late, but get into the settings for you BAT and change the input signal back to “cable”, ‘on air’ settings will get you all of 2-13.
Scars have a few left, some faded. Two still prominently displayed now that I have a receeding hairline are two on my forehead from the devil horns amputation…
Got a bunch of scars on my hands from a lathe oversight. Nothing major, no limbs pulled into rotating machinery, just clearing swarf with a hook, only problem is it bounced back onto my hand doing a bit of dicing. Didn’t even notice it until I looked down to see wtf was tapping on my foot… Turned out to be blood dripping, finally look at my hands and oops. That’ll take a minute to clean up.
Some knife scars on a couple fingers from when I was a kid before I realized the only good knife is a fixed blade or one with a good locking mechanism.
Legs have cleared up for the most part. Humid days will usually show telltale signs of past wounds.
@Brynhildr….thanks!…..Now I’ve got the “Off to the Rodeo” song stuck in my head. The “Were You Born An Asshole?” song is always in there…but now this other one has been added (again!!) to my… myPod.
Cosmetic…..uuummmmm…….balls…..is just too weird.
They make ’em for dogs, too.
Comcast, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways….
1. I wanted an MCard and you refused to let me pick one up and install it myself. No, I had to pay you $20 so I could wait home all day for your trained professional, who, when he finally got here, had never seen an MCard before, didn’t know what it was, or what to do with it. So I had to show him. Then pay you $20 for the privilege. WTF?
2. It took you over a year to carry SPEED HD. WTF?
3. My obscene bill. WTF?
FiOS for me in 6 weeks. CANNOT WAIT.
Dogfish 90 is too much for a hot weather quaffing beer. I have a couple in the fridge (and some 60s) for when I’m in a savoring mood.
@Greg….That’s weider.. or more weird? Either way…..TH???
Brynhildr – her son coulda just kept the skin as a pocket and inserted a gobstopper on occasion.
Scars – too many to mention. I’m also a klutz:
Appendix when I was 14, it turned out there was nothing wrong with it just excruciating pain/vomiting/etc from a visit from Aunt Flo. But Marcus Welby had to take a guess at something.
Knees are hacked up from Mtn bike accidents.
Bridge of nose – also from Mtn bike accident -not that long ago – saved a fall with my face which was part of the bigger scene of me looking like a plum for a couple of months complete with a blood coloured eye once it finally opened. A ‘good’ friend took pride in calling me hamburger face until it was all better.
Huge dog 4 teeth bite scar on the back of my calf – It’s just from a few years ago and kinda looked like a tattoo for awhile. Probably went in about a centimeter deep. Ouch.
Kristin – the best is your bunny story, too bad it’s not on video. You could have turned it into a big screen film
Newpapers – never unless I am in line waiting for something. I hate local news on TV and papers – too much whining. There are too any more important things going on in the world and I’m not talking about MJ. Internet is the best way to get to the source unless you don’t have that option.
Oh and happy 4th of July to my neighbours of the South.
Damn leanne…what about me here in the sowthwest?
Enjoy your rockets red glare….-d
Free but great: my old Mustang
Cheap but great: VW
Expensive but great: BMW
DTO – Of course Happy 4th to you too. I meant that to everyone in the states.
Free – the mountains & the ocean
Cheap – a kayak and mountain bike (quality pending)
Expensive – a powerboat and vacation property (quality pending)
Priceless – the stories I read on here.
leanne — I guess a removable testicle totally trumps the guy with a glass eye when it comes to party tricks.
Brynhildr – damn you’re hilarious.
Have to admit though it’s something I’d rather see on the Internet than in real life.
Happy Independence Day to all of you in the U.S.!
Happy 4th of July! Get drunk and blow some shit up…….for your country!
Comcast is crap, period. I don’t know when Adelphia left where you live, but it mustn’t have been too long ago, because you still enjoy your service from Comcast. Be wary. It will all go down the tubes soon enough. They’ll be sneaking fees onto your bill, forcing you to buy cable boxes, missing bi-monthly repair appointments, yelling at you on the phone, and not returning calls soon enough. Just you wait.
Scott Baio dodges another bullet, Steve McNair not so lucky.
Lord I apologize blah blah blah…
Scars
both wrists (Carpal tunnel)
both elbow (Cubital tunnel)
abdomen (Hernia)
Seven inch scar on my happy zone(Penis reduction surgery)
I’m so hung over it’s absurd. I think I’m covered in cinnamon flavored Kentucky Jelly. God.
2 inch scar on my chin: Chased by my Brother and trip and fell chin first. Doctor butchered me on the stiches. Scar above my left eye running along the eye-brow: looks like a boxers cut but I got it showing off on my bicycle and hit a telephone pole.
I have read the paper everyday since delivering them as a kid. They have lost thier appeal as I catch myself reading articles that I read on the internet the day before. But I like the coupons and local things to do articles.
I hope everyone has had an enjoyable 4th and took it easy on the 5ths. Well lets play a little catch up. Scars, have I got scars both physical and mental.
Scars – Head to toe
Top of head – Round scar and four stitches from jumping on a sofa at the tender age of three. Bounced to high and flipped over the 2nd story banister onto a pile bicycles.
Right ear – Age sixteen, small scar from a toenail clipper being thrown at me by my sister after telling her how bad her pork chops where. She burnt the shit out of them of course.
Right hand inside thumb and finger – Age four, scar and five stitches from teasing aunts dashcund.
Right hand on 3rd finger – Age 17, scar and 5 stiches after blocking a board with nails in it during a fight. I was able to grab the board and pull it away from the other boy and started beating him with it.
Left wrist – Age six, One inch scar from jumping over fence and landing on a piece of glass. Six stiches and a miracale I didn’t cut the artery.
Left baby finger – Age 25, finger got caught on angle iron sliding down a ladder to get to my GQ station. Still have small knot on the side of the finger.
Stomach and left knee – Age 13, attacked by german shepard while collecting for my newspaper route.
Left and right uh… nope, not gonna tell ya, alright!
Left leg above knee – Age 14, broke leg after attempt to jump over very large Buick failed. 2 months of traction with a long pin sticking out of my leg and another 2 months in a full leg cast.
Right knee – recent, had surgery to repair torn miniscus.
Left heel at ankle – caught in the spokes of bicycle while riding on the back of the bike with my older brother.
Sunday paper only and just for the coupons. I like making my money stretch, OK!
@ Jason – Cinnamon flavored KY jelly? Did someone try to make you into a cinnamon roll?
Scars: Left eyebrow from a headbutt
Right corner of mouth, forehead from right eybrow to top and all over the top of my head – thru the windshield of a car and landing in the street. Over 700 stitches.
Left shoulder – surgery to insert a titanium rod for a severely broken humerus.
RIght underarm – running thru a glass door
Right thigh – Barb wire fence
Left foot – lawn mower accident
Left hand – Knife
i actually live in tn about 30 minutes from the ripleys believe it or not museum and when i saw the signs going up for this exhibit, as the mother of a preemie baby who was on oxygen for 6 weeks in the nicu before he could come home from the hospital i was offended so i did some research, what i found was that back in the day there was no funding for incubators and whatnot, the only way doctors could earn the money for the expense of trying to keep preemie babies alive was by charging admission at the fairs, and this led to more and more research and the modern nicu’s we have now, so i’m not offended.
the ripley’s museum is great, wv isn’t too far from tn, if you haven’t been to the smokies you should come, it’s beautiful here. and in the tourist-ey areas there’s plenty to do.
I also have a scar on the top of my head from when I ran into a bus, C-section scar, and a nice 10-incher on my lower belly where part of my large intestine was taken out.
Then there’s the one on my nose from a mole removal (I’m NOT a witch), one on my back from the same thing, and in three days, another one on the back of my right leg for, you guessed it, mole removal. All y’all fair-skinned freckly folk, go get your skin checked, because the melanoma? She is deadly.
Did I say Walter Cronkite on Thursday? I meant Steve McNair. Easy to get the two confused.
Free but great: gassing up and setting red anthills on fire and listening to their little thoraxes crackle.
Cheap but great: The Dali museum in St. Pete
Expensive but great: Road trip to Canada when gas was $4.00 per gallon
Scars- Above right eye from a bullet fragment.
Bullet wounds on back.
Upper forehead from a stupid tub accident.
Between middle and ring finger when trying to punch a classmate and he held out a pencil to stop it.
Knee after hitting road after being hit by a truck when walking at night.
Loose skin between thumb and forefinger when cutting onions with a knife. Stitched that one up myself.
Back of right hand- after walking through a glass door and the stalagtites of glass fell and cut all my tendons. Lost use of hand for two months.
Upper thigh- stabbed by a walkout customer while managing a restaurant and I went after him. Still busted up his face on the cigarette machine in the lobby real good before the police followed the trail of blood to his house.
Did you know- It would take a person more than 400 years to watch all the videos on YouTube.
On IPOD right now- “The Vampire Song”- Concrete Blonde
Free but great: The Navy experience
Cheap but great: Aussie rules football
Expensive but great: My first divorce
@Shiny Rod….just a little music for you today……
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx8x3LCnYZw
or anyone else who’d care to sing along…..
have a good day everyone!!!…-d
@ DTO – You sure know a way to make a broken man happy. Thank God that was 20 years ago. Still LMAO
Hello!
Comcast here. Read your blog. Glad everything was resolved to your satisfaction. If you’d like our team see if we can get you a lower rate for your services, email us at the address below. We’d be glad to reach out to our contacts on your behalf.
Kind Regards,
Melissa Mendoza
Comcast Customer Connect
National Customer Operations
We_Can_Help@cable.comcast.com
@ComcastMelissa
Came back from the beach on the 5th of July and decided to watch a movie on the old VCR. (I know — still in the dark ages). We have direct TV. When we had it installed I asked the guy “are you sure my VCR will work now?” He assured me it wouild.
A few months hence (last night) I try it. I knew better but I did it anyway. I turn on the TV and select channel 3, turn on the VCR and find that I have to select TV on the remote to get it to work. One little click over to TV from the Direct TV setting. Figured once the movie is over I’ll just go backward to the Direct TV setting, turn off the VCR and everything will be hunky-dory. This is where life as I knew it ceased.
Nothing I did could get the Direct TV service back as it was. Not even resetting the defaults on the remote. Not even hitting “reset” button on the box. The TV will not now even turn on and off with Direct TV remote now. If I had had a hand grenade I would have pulled the pin and held it tenderly to my chest. All this is just what a person needs to cap off and otherwise really nice weekend.
So I will be calling Direct TV after work. As you might expect I am so looking forward to this.
Oh by the way, all my scars are emotional ones.
@Your Public….I grew up playing with B3 players…Darrell Waynescott, gravel-voiced Kentucky boy with way to much soul for a white guy. Used to sing the crap out of ‘Hollywood Nights’. I used to think his neck was going to burst open any second….man! Bill Keenan…he used to talk with Robert Moog when Moog was first getting started. Bill had this switchboard looking/ patchworking thing, aka….Moog synthesizer. We used to do ‘Long Distance Runaround’ by “Yes” and he’d kick pedals playing the bass line….. And kicking pedals?……Tony Thomas, Memphis Tennessee. Spent three years on the road with him. From Bach’s ‘Toccata & Fuge’ to hard bop and beyond….Tony can kick pedals on a B3….a forgotten part of the ‘rig’. The guy was/ is all feet and fingers. Flat out fly!!! He used to work with Groove Holmes (yeah…dualing B3’s) after he got off the road. He could work magic with his stops and his wazooo Leslie he was always sooping up. Used to turn the B3 off and on to bend notes. Amazing player…..
I have various scars along my legs from being a rough and tumble kid in gymnastics. And alos several from fights my sis and I got into when little.
But by far the worst is the 2+ inch scar on my right boob. I was doing my hair and dropped the curling iron and of course it landed on the first mound of exposed flesh it came to, the right boob side of my cleavage. When I removed the fire-stick from my chest, it pulled some skin with it. Holy SHIT that hurt.
I had 2nd degree burns on my tit, had to see a plastic surgeon for scar therapy.
You can’t really see it in the winter but in the summer the sun will really bring it out.
I also have a lovely scar on my knee that is the result of too many cocktails and stiletto heels…I ate pavement in a sparkly dress and got right back up and hit the bar…bleeding. I was too drunk to care.
Scar on my shin from an errant chair in my way while I was fleeing from an older sibling who I may or may not have pantsed in front of a crowd of friends.
Scar on my knee from a misguided attempt at rollerblading down the local Park Hill, which was essentially a paved road of death.
Scar on wrist, 7-shaped scar on my forehead, and scar between top lip and nose from, umm, my little ceiling mishap (http://trinamick.blogspot.com/2007/04/cats-dont-always-land-on-their-feet.html).
As for newspapers, I check our weekly paper for the movie times, obituaries, and court news. I want to make sure my name isn’t in the last two.