OK, this is the end of the line, my friends. After today I’m going underground for a week. I have something that needs to be accomplished (purposely vague), and will be turning over my life to it. Pretty dramatic, huh?
No, it’s not the Lord…
Yeah, I won’t be here, but the website lives on. I’m planning to have five mini-updates loaded into WordPress, and set to post automatically every morning next week. Unless I succumb to half-assery again, you guys will have a new Question of the Day at 9 a.m. Eastern, on Monday through Friday. So, the website won’t be dormant. It’ll just be under the control of… Virtual Jeff.
As I type this I’m completely exhausted. I’ll probably feel the urge to climb atop the dormancy platform before 9:30. But that’s a risky proposition. When I go to bed that early, I often wake up four hours later. Then I’m sitting in the living room reading until 5 a.m., and the whole next day is jacked-up. Early to bed sounds good in theory, but not so much in practice. I think Ben was sometimes talking straight out of his ample ass.
Indeed, last time I did this, the first day was completely ruined. I think I tried to avoid the four-hour bolt-upright awakening by drinking two or three beers during the evening. But it was a fitful sleep, and I woke up tired. I don’t know if the beer had anything to do with it, but I’m hesitant to revisit that scenario. I’ll probably just stay up until 11, and watch a documentary on Netflix. Or read some more about those happy-go-lucky lads at Columbine.
I put too much pressure on myself… Sleeping is not a problem for me, until I start thinking about it. So, I try to put it out of my head, and that only makes me think about it more. If tomorrow didn’t matter, I’d sleep like a striped bastard.
Our lawnmower won’t start, and is in the shop. It was serviced in early spring – new spark plug, filter, oil, etc. And it worked perfectly the first four or five times we used it. Then: deader than Kelsey’s nuts, again. Shit, man… I have more lawnmower troubles in a single summer, than most people do in a lifetime. All I do is use it, like a normal person. It’s not abused, or left out in the rain, or anything. It’s frustrating, as well as infuriating.
Right now our grass is so tall it’s waving in the breeze. I was hoping the mower would be ready today, so I could knock it out while I’m in a daze and wouldn’t feel it. But, no such luck. Grrr…
Man, I miss the California era when a team of recent immigrants would converge on our property, turn it into a thing of beauty within seven minutes, and leave me a bill for $10. That was the greatest luxury known to man. Here in Pennsylvania they want $50 per cut. Ha!
The good news? I have both of the Secrets helping me now. So, it’s not so bad if we spread it out amongst the three of us. If the stupid mower would start, that is. Hey, wonder if the boys are sabotaging it? That thought hadn’t occurred to me…
A few days ago I received a letter informing me my life insurance is going up by $63 per month, because I’m an old, old man. Well, that’s not the way they put it, but it’s true, nonetheless. I remember when we bought that policy, and the guy telling us the price stays the same for the first ten years (I think). The same price until 2012… Man, that seemed like a distant science fiction landscape that we didn’t need to worry about.
Hey, whatever. We’ll just pay it. What choice do we have? The part that bothers me is that I’ve left the old risk pool, and entered a riskier one. I was a safer bet last month, than I am today. About $63 worth… I don’t care for it.
On a more positive note, I haven’t heard anything from my doctor about the blood and pee I let them have last week. No news is good news, right? I assume they’d call if I had Sickle Cell, or something? I have a follow-up appointment in about two weeks. I’ll be sweating bullets in the waiting room on that one, and probably suffering from a four-hour wake-up, as well.
Wanna hear something that’s really weird? Check it out. I received a Google Alert about it. It sounds like one of those talking ATMs, simply reciting the description of my book at Amazon. It’s very strange, and kinda spooky. Almost like that Yankee, Hotel, Foxtrot crap, which gave me nightmares for a week.
Speaking of the book, it’s sold about 500 Kindle copies since it was free a couple of weeks ago. I have it priced at 99 cents, to try to keep the momentum going, and it’s doing well. It was down to a copy per day, and now it’s been reanimated. Very cool.
And that pretty much closes out the ol’ notebook. I’ve got nothing else to contribute… If you’re interested in taking up my slack, please do so in the comments section below.
Have a great day, my friends.
Virtual Jeff will be here on Monday.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
We pay only $35 down here in the 10% unemployment deep south. There’s a gazillion pickups pulling a trailer with a mower and a whole row of weedeaters and such. Bless their hearts.
Nothing noteworthy today.
Number 2 ?
I think it’s $20 a cut here in the 313.
I can guarantee you don’t have sickle cell, so rest easy on that one.
Enjoy your purposefully vague purpose.
See you in a few days.
Forth, an obsolete programming language.
Great for debugging hardware.
hot fuzz says
May the fourth be with you.
Get some sheep or goats and never have to mow again. Although the goats will eat every thing else too…
I’ve heard that goats will eat fences, garden hoses, car bumpers, aluminum siding…
I see that the youtube link had all of seven views, which I think is a record for me. That might be Jeff, myself, and six other Reporters.
I don’t know what a lawn mow costs here in NoVa. I should find out, because this shit is getting old after 14 summers. I did get a NastyGram(tm) from the city last Friday, containing words to the effect of “cut yer damn grass”.
I stopped obsessing about my yard mowing crew when they got to $185 per month. That was a couple of years ago. Only my wife knows for sure.
I’ve been eating the he’ll outta cheese lately. We’re going through an obscene amount every week. Again, only my better 2/3 knows for sure.
Hmmm, getting all oral with the cheese now…
That, is a funny inside joke!
He said oral
Oral Roberts says
Somewhere Jimmy Kuhn just spurted.
Man, I feel the same way about paying to have a lawn mowed as I do about getting the driveway shoveled after a surprise foot of snow. No damn way! It’s not JUST because I’m cheap, but I always think these people are casing the place, just waiting until dark, then kicking down the door and killing us.
Good luck. I have $5 on Jeff in the yurt with one of the Plastic Jesus Butt “thingies”. By the way, them boys be peein’ in the gas tank of the lawn mower.
The Kuban says
I was thinking sugar myself, but you might be onto something there.
A lawnmower is built to be abused. It thrives on it. Leave it in the rain. Run over rocks and sticks and wack a turtle now and then with the damn thing. Don’t coddle that it. The beast sits there, ready with the ability to chop of both your feet and hands at any monent. Any sign of weakness on your part invites disaster. You’re already living in fear of the thing wondering if it will start the next time you want it to. Show that bastard a thing or two.
Virtual Jeff sounds like fun!
That Amazon reading is downright twisted. No inflection in that voice at all. Sounds like the mandatory call I was on yesterday. Lady sounds like she got a wad of dry melba toast stuck in her throat.
Oh and Jeff, shop around for cheaper life insurance. That sounds like a big hike to me. Tell them you’re leaving for a competitor and see if they can’t sharpent heir pencils a little.
I don’t think Jeff’s rate is high because of dull pencils. I think it’s that fucking midstream urine. My God, they must have discovered that the tide is coming in on his isles of langerhans.
I’m so hungry right now, I could eat some of Jason’s cheese.
The Kuban says
If it’s Velveeta, but as holey as Swiss, it means he’s been hittin’ it from all angles.
Bill in WV says
I think I may have raged on here about this before, but it still gets my blood ta’ boiling everytime I hand over $17 for a haircut. It takes the bastard all of 10 minutes (if that) to cut my hair. So, this artist of the noggin is getting paid at a $102/hr rate. Fuck me. And him.
Just a quick economic analysis: For $102/hr, if you’re not getting a 50/50 you’re overpaying.
The Qweezy Mark says
$17 sounds like a bargain to me, but then again the 6’1″ Danish blonde Mormon hippie chick that does the job is a bargain even at $35!
I last owned a lawn mower in the 80’s. It’s $50/month to have Manual Labor and his rotating crew of helpers mow and blow once/week. Of course, there are other costs associated with the gardening job, such as providing health care to all of their families and educating all of their children, but that’s what government is for, right?
That’s what I was telling Bill. If you don’t get the mow AND blow, it’s just not worth it.
Oh, and by the way, fuck you.
WTF does this mean? I’m impressed though… I have no idea what it means and I still think it’s funny!
“If tomorrow didn’t matter, I’d sleep like a striped bastard.”
The Kuban says
Thank God, I was hoping someone would ask. I was originally picturing an inmate at a high security correctional facility, but then I thought that fear of Bubba-the-300-pound-ass-jammer creeping into your bunk at 2am might not be a recipe for good sleep. So I’m back to square one.
I had exactly the same thought process. Well except his name was Cletus, not Bubba.
Hmmmm, striped bastard. Striped Bass? Some kind of Mob thing?…. sleeping with the fishes?
Welcome to Literalist Weekly. Now git off my god durned lawn.
Is that supposed to mean something to me? Or be funny?
Ok, guess I’m not in the Surf club.
over and out…
I thought you guys were being a little too literal in deconstructing Jeff’s phrase and said so. My second sentence indicated I’m a grumpy old man to start with. No inside surf stuff there; I detest inside jokes. Sorry if I offended you. Yeah, I did intend to be a little humorous, but I intended the mild insult to be inclusive rather than exclusive.
Hope you accept my apology.
I applaud your civility, but be wary of those kids on your lawn…
The Kuban says
Dirty carb would be my guess. Who fuels it up? You or the secrets? Regardless, wipe off the darn cap & fill tube before you open it to keep crap outta the tank. Have your mower guy put a filter in the fuel line.
Rat Bastard says
I’m with you on the carb. Also, don’t use old gas from last season. Good way to gum up a carburetor.
As long as we’re on that topic: For long-term storage of gasoline, I use a dab of Sta-Bil in the can. This seems to help prevent the gas from turning into varnish. My mower is 15 years old and runs fine.
That lawnmower will never run right until you throw some Blizzaks on for the winter.
Back when I lived in snow country, real men used Hakkapeliitta. Blizzaks were for poseurs and ignoramuses (ignorami?).
Thanks to a couple of Surf Reporters, I managed to get my beloved pc up and running after a vicious virus attack last fall. Today I am attempting a complete Windows reformat in order to get things back to a warm place. Wish me luck…I am a car and guitar guy.
Nice Kevindust…I spilled [or is it spilt] a beer [I’m not making this up] all over the left half of the keyboard on my laptop.. My shift key no longer works. Everything else works fine but the wi-fi card has been going out for quite a while from what I think. For no reason at all it just turns off. Some itmes in mid gofuckyourself and I can’t have that. I think I’ll get a new laptop.
p.s…..I’m an ass and legs guy.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Literally no one wants to be on the phone with you less than the lady who answers the phone at a Chinese restaurant. What’s with these cranky bitches? I got fed up with one today and told her that I’m violent AND I know how to beat a polygraph. “No foo for you!” Cunt.
Those numbers station recordings creep me out, too. Almost as bad as 50’s music. Something ghostly and frightening about them both.
WB in OH says
Re: Lawnmowers. Due to work kicking me in the shins and some recent rain (finally), my lawn was about 6″ high Thursday when I mowed. At one point I hit a particulary high spot and the motor bogged way down, as it recovered I noticed it belched a puff of blue smoke. I’m no gearhead but I’m pretty sure that’s not a good sign. Is it a sign of future issues or do I just need to take it easy when mowing tall grass?
No worries, a high vaccum situation developed and sucked a bit of oil past the rings. May be getting abit tired, but plenty of life left to go. If its a problem, run the mower at an angle to knock down the tallness then take another slow go at it. If she’s bogging, push down on the handle and let the grass build up whip itself out of the deck if you got the mower discharge blocked for mulching. “New” mowers don’t have the same rev ability for the boggy stuff as old mowers. I miss the 1963 Briggs, that old mower, while a bitch to start would friggen chop up a tree with only a little hiccup.
We had an old two-stroke Briggs when I was a kid, and I hated that fucking thing. I thought it might be less work to use a manual push mower, than to exert the requisite 1000 pulls to get that beast started.
lori in cbus says
aah jtb scared the kids a
today my supervisor and friend passed away from cardiac arrest at 34 yrs old…our little dept lost adam in 2010 to a car accident, our frances had a stroke and now michelle passed…4of us are left..what the fuck is going on? im so numb and i cant cry
thanks for listening
Wow, sorry to hear that.
Jesus H! SO sad…. One day at a time, Lori. Much sympathy.