Yeah, I forgot to take my “lunch” (8 pm) to work last night, and tore ass to the local Subway for a six-dollar lettuce sandwich. When I went careening into the parking lot I was relieved to find the place empty, except for a lone samlich engineer. I needed to make it quick, and didn’t want any fatasses impeding my progress.
I parked and entered the store, and the dude said, “Can I help you?” But not in a friendly, helpful way. It was more of an agitated tone, like he’d just caught me naked and peeing on his back porch.
“You’re open, aren’t you?” I asked, confused by it all.
And the guy just shrugged. He was leaning against the counter with his arms folded across his chest, and just shrugged. Big ol’ attitude.
“I guess not,” I said, and turned to leave.
“Hey, we’re open!” he hollered. “Come back. We’re open until nine!”
“Go fuck yourself!” I said, and went to McDonald’s.
What was that all about?? I’m thinking about calling Jared. The man needs to step out of his giant novelty pants, and police the operation a little better. Sheesh.
Toney and I are plotting a kidless day trip to New York City soon. It’s a convoluted plan (we have no local fambly to watch the boys), but I’m confident we’ll be able to pull it off.
I think we’re going to try the commuter bus that runs between Scranton and NYC. It’s an attractive option. We won’t have to deal with the massive traffic and expensive parking, and will be able to have a few adult beverages at the end of the day, if we’d like. Ha! …if we’d like. That’s pretty funny.
So, I’m looking forward to it. I like going there with the younglings, too. But it’ll be fun for just the two of us to sneak away for a few hours. It’s quite, quite rare these days, and I sometimes miss it.
I’ve been posting a few of the old Charley West cartoons at Facebook (completely baffling some people). So far they’ve just been repeats from TheWVSR, but I plan to start posting new ones, too.
I know some of you have an issue with social networking sites, and I can certainly understand your feelings. But we do have some fun at Twitter and Facebook. MySpace eats it from the ass-in, but Twitter and Facebook aren’t bad, shockingly enough.
So, I hope you’ll follow us at both sites. Give it a try, and you might be pleasantly surprised, like I was. Pass the beer nuts.
I’m also thoroughly enjoying Life on Mars, the UK version. I tried the Americanized abortion of a program, and quickly abandoned ship. But the British show is great. And I just found out today the second season will be released to DVD on November 24. Oh yeah. My nipples are exploding with delight.
What other semi-obscure but great things should I be renting from Netflix? And please don’t tell me about Dexter. There’s nothing semi-obscure about that show; hardly a day goes by when someone doesn’t mention it. And I’m starting to develop a bad attitude toward it, if you want to know the truth.
A Wall of Voodoo song just played on iPod shuffle, and I remembered how people used to call them “Ball of Doodoo.” I always liked the band, and that “joke” kinda irritated me.
But what other derogatory tweeks to band names, TV shows, or movies can you remember? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?
And while we’re at it, what are your favorite pornolized movie titles? The Load Warrior always jumps to my mind… Heh. What are some of the other great ones?
I don’t know why I’ve started skipping Wednesdays all of a sudden, but that seems to be the current rhythm of things. Sorry. Once my “book” is finished, we’ll get back to normal around here. I promise. I feel fairly guilty about my Surf Report neglect… But it’s temporary, only temporary.
I’m going to Wegman’s now, to pick out the evening’s snooty, snooty microbrew. I’ll post my selection to Twitter later, in case you’re interested.
And I’ll see you guys next time.
Have a great rest o’ the day!
First!?! Nah-uh!!
DOSE in the arm!!!!!!!!!!
Edward Penishands, without a doubt
Dogfat (Foghat)
(That was my “witty” drug reference — i.e. “dose” instead of “dos.” Pretty darn funny, eh?)
Not.
Love me sum RAMBONE.
The Sperminator
Black to the Future
Regarding Hiney
Any Which Way She Can
just to name a few…
Jeff: Did you really say “Go fuck yourself!”, as opposed to thinking it in your head? If so, how’re you ever going to go back to that joint in the future, without being worried about the guy surreptitiously wiping a booger into your sandwich?
Yes, I said it. It just popped out, a complete filter-failure. I’ll never return to that Subway. They can kiss my ass.
Lawrence of a Labia
Star Trek: The Next Penetration
Double first!!!
Jeez, after I posted the “where the fuck is Jeff” comment on yesterday’s post earlier, I realized was only 1:00 here and my day has eaten it from the ass in so badly it felt like 5. Jesus, it’s gonna be a loooooooooooong afternoon.
Bon Jovi = Anchovy
I know there’s a bunch more, but by brain has seized. Sorry.
Happy fucking Thursday, Surfers…
When I was in the Pittsburgh airport last year, the guy at the coffee place seemed to be real upset when I went to the counter to order a coffee. He was busy surfing the web I do believe.
I just remembered one more. My friend had a t-shirt made with Styx Stynx in the band’s logo. Loved it!
Little Anal Annie
Olivie Neutron-Bomb
Sorry, that’s OLIVIA Neutron-Bomb
Humpin’ Jackoff Flash
Privileged Little Artiste Writing Something Oh-So-Precious Into His Moleskine Notebook
SCRANTON—After gently unfastening the elastic strap keeping his dearest musings safe from prying eyes, little literary artiste Evan Stansky penned a few more darling thoughts into his clothbound Moleskine notebook Wednesday. “These are much higher quality than the notebooks you find at CVS,” lilted the auteur, who couldn’t be bothered to use—dare it be said—a journal of lesser craftsmanship or pedigree, or one not famously used by such legendary artists as van Gogh and Hemingway. “They’re a little more expensive, but I try to write on both sides so I don’t go through them as quickly.” At press time, the princely scribe was seen finishing his apricot jasmine tea, asking a mere mortal sitting nearby to watch his literary accoutrements, and then prancing off to the Starbucks powder room, light as a feather.
Plagerized from the Onion…
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……
it’s not a band, movie or TV show, but I’ve always referred to Explorers as Ford Exploders.
porn knock off names? Well, not that I watch porn *ahem* but here’s a few:
Gangbangs of New York
My big, fat, Greek whore
Riding Miss Daisy
Forrest Hump
Romancing the Bone
A Clockwork Orgy
The Winds of Whore
Slut Our House Five
A Vagina Runs Through It
Humpers
The Mummies Womb
The Pirates of the Clitoris
Natural Born Thrillers (I think that one is already a film)
Good Will Humping
Jurassic Pork
Little Shop of Whores
Saturday Night Beaver
A friend of mine (don’t know if he made this up or heard it somewhere) said that if you put the word “anal” in front of the name of any sport utility vehicle, it more often than not ended up sounding like a sex toy.
Good for you, Jeff. I’ve lost count of how many places I’ve done a quick about-face in after encountering attitude in a hairnet.
Indiana Bones in Raiders of the Lost Ass
I fucking hate Subway! Their food is fine but they have no control over their franchise holders and it shows.
Porn Titles:
Saving Ryan’s Privates and Shaving Private Ryan
Womb Raider
On Golden Blond
Holy shit! The following headline was just posted on FARK:
“Shootings reported at Fort Hood Texas, multiple deaths reported. If only there were qualified people with guns nearby who could defend themselves”
Doesn’t Jason live near there?
Get the Sierra Nevada Torpedo Extra IPA. Great stuff.
I propose one giant attack on Subway. All of us walk into our respective hated Subways at the same time (Like B-52’s over Hanoi) say “Go fuck yourself!” and then leave.
I bet it makes the newsletter.
Good for you Jeff. Vote with your feet. Boycott!
Here’s some good British TV;
Peep Show (comedy), The Devil’s Whore (historical but good!) True Blood (HBO) is really enjoyable.
I’ve just had a great Guy Fawkes night!
-Speaking of which ‘V for Vendetta’ is a great film.
Layer Cake is the best british gangster flick in a long time.
Listening to; Elbow- Seldom Seen Kid
Was doing the yuppie, pay the bills, suit thing earlier in the year! waiting in line for the “Barrista” (read insecure fat girl with a charming facial maze of alternating pustules mixed with self inflicted shrapnel) when the boss calls the cellphone, Yes I am guilty I answered it!!Leaving the store I put the $200.00 cup of java on the hood of the car ,note that said: ” Health violation” has written “get off the phone asshole” on the bottom of the cup! Despite the fact that I admired her cowardly attempt to at least make a statement in this bland world of our’s, returned to the store, requested sugar, & said “oh wait! is there something on the bottom of my cup? & innocently upended the grande whatever all over the counter! The upshot wa I felt like a Douche for weeks! after reading todays post I realize what I did was righteous and can once again sleep at night!
@Ian the Errolite you are not supposed to enjoy Guy Fawkes! Guido was Pro Stewart Dammit:) God I miss Guy Fawkes! Not just the fireworks but the baked potatoes cooked in the bonfire:):)
who/what the fawk is Guy Fawkes?
yeah, Google is a wonderful thing
Tyrosine must go to the same porn store as I do.
More British TV from Netflix? Blackadder, the seasons are freestanding and in order of awesomeness 2,4,3,1. I’m Alan Partridge is pretty good too.
I’ll “me too” on the Sierra Nevada Torpedo. It’s sticky-hoppy, very nice. I like it much better than their Anniversary Ale. The AA is not bad, but Torpedo is far superior. Enjoying my last one as we speak.
Derogatory tweaks to band names… The Dreadful Great is about all I can think of that hasn’t already been mentioned. Slightly off-topic but neatly bringing in a remote porn reference, National Lampoon once did a fake (duh) interview with the Beatles. In a nod to the real album Meet The Beatles, the article was titled Beat The Meatles.
Check out “Breaking Bad”, about a high school chemistry teacher who starts a second career cooking meth. It’s way, way better than it sounds!
Don’t have any porn titles, but best tagline below the title was “No ifs or ands, just butts.”
Oh yeah… in the Further Evidence link to the clown pants, why is the text talking about shoes? It’s double the value here – two WTFs for one link.
I’m gonna try to make some up, at least they’ll be new to me.
One Flew Over the Cuckhold’s Nest
Charlie Wilson’s Whore
Ghostbangers
The Cloned Whores
The Twilight Bone
He’s Just That Into You
Land of the Lust
(500) Days of Hummers
The Final Sextination
And of course….
The Soloist
Limey! Thank you thank you thank you for reminding me of Black Adder. There was one episode called “Bells” that stands out in my mind that was fucking hilarious! I love that show!
Heading over to Netflix post haste.
the Tonedeafs (Deftones)
The Strolling Bones
John Cougar Mellonshit
Reo Crapwagon
Aeroshit
David Blowie (sorry David)
Elton on the John
Eric Crapton
I see a pattern here do’h
Against All Bods
Foreskin Gump
Holes (actually you don’t need to porno-ize this title)
Breaking Bad really came as a pleasant surprise. I second its nomination.
Hey Jeff, you getting my emails?
Oh yeah…I add my vote for Breaking Bad. I kinda got out of the habit of must see TV…but Breaking Bad was my one exception.
Anyone ever hear of the Pousette-Dart Band?
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pousette-Dart_Band)
The Pussy-Fart Band.
My husband regularly calls Goldfrapp and Stereolab, Goldcrap and Steroflab.
I third Limey and Knucklehead on Blackadder (‘cept I like ’em in this order: 3, 2, 4. And I loathe season 1. It’s basically Rowan Atkinson doing an early Mr. Bean; he’s much better flashing his caustic wit in the later seasons).
Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah, it was called Macbeth.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece. Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who’s playing Macbeth.
Sorry for off topic, but I ran across a really funny website today.
A treasure trove of old black and white WTF photos, would keep Bunker Cam busy for 6 months.
Just had to share.
http://blackandwtf.tumblr.com/