Our youngest son was playing in a youth basketball league recently, and the coach called a time-out during the third quarter. He pulled all the players together in a huddle, and reportedly yelled, “What’s wrong with you guys today?! You’re playing like a bunch of crippled girls!”
After the team came back to win, in an exciting down-to-the-wire finish, he told them it was because of his “crippled girl speech.” That’s what he called it, and apparently fancies himself a modern-day Lombardi now.
Next time I see him, at Rite-Aid or Bennigan’s, he’ll probably be sporting a full trench coat and hat.
But here’s how it’ll play itself out… I’ve seen this kind of thing before. Next year, still jacked-up on success, he’ll be the first parent to volunteer, and will, at some point during the season, feel compelled to break out his inspirational sermon again.
Only this time he’ll probably take it up another notch (I know human nature), and replace “crippled girls” with “big retarded babies” or “passel o’ water-heads,” or something along those lines. And a parent will hear about it – a parent who doesn’t share my, um, sensibilities – and the whole world will come crashing down on the poor bastard.
Yeah, I could warn him about it. But where would be the fun in that?
At a previous basketball game, the same coach was trying to get his team whipped into a frenzy, and instructed the kids on the bench to “make some noise.”
The younger Secret was sitting out that quarter, and loves to “make some noise,” as do most fourth graders. Man, the volume was amazing. The shrillness… the piercing tones… the insanity… I wanted to ask the coach, “Why? Why in God’s name??”
It was almost impossible to hear any individual kid and figure out what they were hollering, but I zeroed in on our son and tried my best. And I thought I could hear/lip-read him saying the words “Cheap Trick.”
The hell?
After the game, I asked what he was yelling, and he said, “Thank you, Tokyo! Cheap Trick says goodnight!!” I’m not really sure what I think about that, but for some reason it makes me proud.
I have a cousin who is a truck driver (needless to say), and he recently “lost an engine” on the road. Since the repair job promised to be lengthy and involved, he took a Greyhound bus home.
And when they stopped somewhere, he says there was a male nurse (or somesuch) pushing an enormous woman in a wheelchair, both waiting to board the bus. My cousin got off to buy a Coke, and overheard the following conversation between some random man, and the person pushing the chair.
Random: Boy, that’s a lot of wheelchair.
Pusher: Well, it’s a lot of woman. The chair weighs 800 pounds, and she’s almost 600 herself.
Sweet Maria!
When my cousin got back from the vending machines, they had the wheelchair, along with its ample cargo, situated on a hydraulic lift. They were trying to get her onto the bus, but he said the motor was laboring a great deal.
Finally, he reports, something gave-out, there was a loud hissing sound, and the platform collapsed. And when she hit the ground, the chair bounced from its clamps, and it and the woman went rolling over an embankment.
Can that possibly be true? I have my doubts. It reminds me of the stories I used to hear when I worked at a convenience store in West Virginia. You know: super-exaggerated boolshit.
But it made me laugh, nonetheless.
Surf Reporter Todd sent me a link to this YouTube clip, that had me howling. Man, that’s good stuff. Because it’s true, so very true.
And there’s been coverage, over the past few days, about how evil Americans are ruining the Earth, once again, with their decadent ways. This time, through the use of fancy-pants toilet paper… Here’s but one news article; there were plenty of others.
Also, a few of you sent me this related link, to a site where it’s possible to purchase reusable shitrags. Can you imagine? I cannot. Blecch.
In any case, it leads us to the Question of the Day… Have you ever wiped with anything other than toilet paper? How’s that for a discussion subject, hmmm?
For the record, I don’t think I have. In England I was forced to use something the consistency of copier paper, but it was on a roll and still technically TP. I’ve never found myself in a situation where I had to wipe with a sock, or a handful of leaves, or a river current, or the spinning wheel of an exercise bike.
What about you? Tell us about it, won’t you? Or any butt-wiping tales, for that matter…. And while we’re at it, if you have anything on wheelchair mayhem, that would be fantastic, as well.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
holy crap!
Top 5?
Wow!
4th…highest ever
In Russia, wiped with some pretty coarse newspaper. Later checked to see if I had the Cyrillic alphabet transferred to my nether regions, but was disappointed that it had not. Was looking forward to some light reading with my SO later in the day.
Other than a bidet in Europe and some leaves on a hiking trip, nothing else comes to mind, though I do question the use of ultra soft TP. I like some degree of abrasiveness to ensure that there aren’t any residual hangers-on.
As for the wheelchair bit, I’m disappointed that there is no photographic evidence of the incident to keep Funnel Pants company.
Top Ten, son!
Oh and Jeff, the Secret’s use of Cheap Trick to “make some noise ” brought a tear to my eye. You have every right o be a proud poppa.
Number 8!!
I noticed in that article, that Americans average 23.6 rolls per capita per year. I think I’m above average. That seems really low, I mean REALLY low.
Did anyone else notice the different styles of “Family Wipes” available? They had “Understated Variety”, “Solids Variety”, Fun & Funky Variety” and “Juvenile Variety”. You could use those exact descriptors when talking about poop, if only they had one called “Liquids Variety”.
On that note, I have a hippie friend up in Alaska living out of a squatters cabin that uses re-usable maxi pads. I went to visit a couple years ago, and picked the wrong week of the month to visit because around the perimeter of her stolen garden, every few inches, at eye-level, was a stained up cloth pad hanging out to dry. She also used an outhouse and required me to bring my used paper back inside to throw into the wood-burning stove to heat the joint… I think I’d rather be cold than warm my hands by the heat of my own shit burning. I dropped my dirty paper down the big hole and carried a clean wad inside to throw into the fire. By the way, the cloth pads must not be very effective, because every couple of days, a new pair of stained pants would also end up hanging from the fence.
Alas, I have never wiped with anything other than TP other than a paper towel once. I cannot wait to hear what my Wally has to say on this subject.
The wheelchair story was the funniest thing that i have read in awhile. I think that it could be true.
I don’t much care whether or not the Greyhound story is true- it was durned funny.
You haven’t lived if you haven’t been forced to resort to a sock in a doodie emergency.
23 does seem rather low.
i have used some pretty scary tp in eastern europe.
First person to claim they were at a Greyhound Station and wiped their arse on a crippled fat girl in a wheelchair gets a toffee.
Oh, you think reusable toilet paper is bad? I’ve got three words for you that should send the piss-shivers oscillating up and down you spine for a week: Reusable Sanitary Napkins.
Don’t believe me? Scope this:
http://www.borntolove.com/d-list7-make.shtml
and
http://www.divacup.com/?gclid=CJaByZ_6hJkCFQ8eDQodbG3Ulw
Unlike Dave Foley I apparently do not have a good attitude toward menstruation (www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cLHBwvMVow)
I think all the Greenpeace people, actors and actresses who have an agenda, politicians, and tree huggers everywhere should just shut the fuck up.
I, on the other hand, will continue to consume huge amounts of Charmin Ultra, gasoline, cigarettes, electricity, alcohol, red meat, and any other good shit that comes to mind. And, they can all kiss my (clean) ass.
Happy Birthday Dr Suess!!! Now move along, just marking my spot…
Napkins, paper towel, kleenex, those paper things in public restrooms that you lay down on the seat…I’ve used ’em. At home once, I ran out of TP and had to use the washcloth I had used in the shower that morning. It was #1, not #2, so it wasn’t a big deal.
I’ve used old newspaper when the need arises. Just crushing it and rolling it a few times makes it passably useful. I recommend avoiding the full page color ads, the rainbow effect in your Hanes could be disturbing…
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters……..
Once had to use a paper towel, and not the soft Bounty type either. The coarse brown industrial, institutional type of paper towel….. ’twas an emergency and definitely a wee bit rough….
I forgot to add my own wheelchair story. When I was a teenager, my friend and I were waiting outside the mall for our ride home and an elderly man on a motorized three-wheel scooter rolled up to the entrance, but there was no ramp anywhere (yes, it’s true, youngsters- there weren’t always ramps). It was a choice between doing the right thing and helping the guy, possibly, somehow looking uncool or standing there, pretending we didn’t notice him. In a very unteenager-like moment, we decided to help, and each took a side of the scooter and lifted the front wheel up to clear the curb. It was at this point that the front wheel assembly simply fell off. The story goes on, but gets no better than that.
I was once assigned the task of cleaning out the cubicle of someone who had been fired. I was a little dismayed at what I found. Alongside his empty bubbles of black market Propecia, containers of rotting food, and evidence of his insider trading (hence the firing), I found a dirty pair of his underwear. Now, dirty underwear is nasty enough from someone as detestable as this man, but he apparently had used them to wipe himself after having a mighty assplosion. Tip for everyone: The only pair of undies worth saving in such a situation are the diamond-encrusted variety, which I doubt you would be wearing to the office. Even if they are your “lucky” pair, please let go of the sentimentality and toss them (wrapped up as best you can please).
That will do, pig. That will do.
Being a redneck, I’ve used various articles to clean the back porch. The slick pages of a Sears catalog come to mind–I don’t recommend them.
Never actually used a corncob–I imagine that would be a little chaffing though. I’ve used leaves in the woods many times—and once tore pages out of a high school English book. The lack of comfort was more than compensated in the satisfaction of actually doing that.
Buck Out
Tube socks are good in a pinch. Hey Jeff, I have been looking for a story of yours that was in your best of, I believe. It is about your times at the convenience store/gas station. That is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Please tell me where I can read it again. Thanks.
Leaves have been used but you really have to watch you don’t get the wrong ones or you’ll be scratching your ass for a long time.
I’ve been in a situation where I’ve had to float my own log and just use water to get everything cleaned up. I also wish we had more bidet’s around this side of the pond.
I’ve had to use clothes before in a pinch), however, they were never reused for wiping or clothing again.
Then there was the summer of 1999 which introduced me to Eastern European toilet paper… I could probably have used that stuff to strip the finish off my coffee table should I decide to re-stain and seal it one of these days.
The only other thing that’s been down there was a stray tongue and that was quickly rectified… homie don’t play that. Or kiss that tongue’s home EVER again. Damn! I feel sick all over again. Who the hell does that shit?!
Years ago, my then boyfriend and his roommate (both about 22 years old) often spent their time doing things other than shopping for household goods. So, it was not uncommon to find no TP in their bathroom. However, they were kind enough to put stacks of napkins from fast food joints or convenience stores on the back of the toilet for their visitors to use. I recall using a napkin that said “Hot, Fresh and Delicious!” at one point, which thought was both hilarious and disgusting.
What haven’t I used to wipe my ass, that’s the better question.
I like to use old tuna fish cans, yellow legal pads, handful of coffee grounds- they all work great.
Once went on a five day hiking trip in the deserts of Utah. We’d packed tp. But we hadn’t considered the possibility of getting a hold of bad water while we were out there. As we shat our way across the arid landscape, we soon ran out of the goods.
So, as we hiked–forced to keep drinking the water that was making us sick because it was the only water we had and we were in the middle of the damn desert–we would crinkle sheets of notebook paper in our hands. Once it seemed soft enough, it would go into our pockets and a new sheet would be crinkled afresh.
Quite the getaway, that.
I think Bill in WV knows someone who used a chalk board eraser to wipe his ass and then left it on the board. Good stuff!
Wow- I got nuthin’.
Happy Monday, Surfers!
I can’t believe no one described using a sleeve out of a t-shirt. When my son was smaller we were hiking in the woods and indicated a fast approaching movement. The only thing to be found on such short notice was the sleeve off my t-shirt. I told him to be sparing with it as the other one was for me.
One time the wife brought home a box of toilet paper she’d purchased at the dollar store. She went on and on about how inexpensive it was. I only used it once. It was so fucking bad that it had actual wood chips in it.
I am with HARDOXDAN shut the hell up tree huggin hippie assholes. i am not about to take the blame for ruining the environment because i use descent tiolet paper. i also refuse to recycle and if i had it i would absolutely wear fur. political correctness is ridiculous- go green my ass!!
During a trip to Cancun I caught a bit of the Montezuma’s revenge and was luckily at a packed bar when it set in. I made way for the bathroom where not only was there a line, but there were deplorable conditions. After a quick survey I saw that one stall had one square of TP left on the roll (which wouldn’t cover this impending situation) all others were out. I went in and did the thing, then proceeded to shred the roll and make use of it. Worst part of it was that when I opened the door to walk out another guy was running towards the stall, I cautioned him that there was no TP in there. He replied in a holding back an assplosion voice that he didn’t care. I to this day (8 years later) wonder what he used to wipe with.
My son uses cloth dipes and I use cloth wipes on him. I’ve also used the cloth wipes. They are a heck of a lot softer than any TP I’ve ever used. I also use a cloth pad. But I’m kind of a hippy.
But a hippy with a sense of humor at least
I have my doubts about the story in its entirety, but a quick google shows a typical private vehicle wheelchair lift has 350-600lbs capacity, and the larger units around 1000 lbs. I can see it straining if it was close to/above capacity. The rental truck that was my office today with a hydrallic utility lift rated 2000lbs was having trouble with a simple 1100lb load. The little hydrallic motor was audibly straining. Hate to hear it near capacity.
Pooh stories…Leaves would be the most exotic wiping material.
23.6 rolls/year?! My arse! Are they shitting me? I must use 3 or 4 rolls/week, more on taco heavy weeks too. I reckon I use a good 175 – 200 rolls of the luxury stuff each year. I work from home so no wiping on corporate property for me, which explains some of the tally (I think).
I used the school paper towels quite a few times. Some jackass was always pissing on the TP roll. Kind of splintery.
I used snow just this past Christmas morning. I was out on a pre-festivity run and all of a sudden the previous night’s festivities caught up with me. Had to detour into the woods and lean against a tree. The snow was amazingly effective, left no droppins’ or dingleberries and could just be covered with more snow to melt into history.
Holy crap I love these topics! Anyway,,,when I was a teenager during summer break, I was at a friends house with a bunch of buddy’s playing whiffle ball in the back yard when all of a sudden I had to take a dump and there was no making it to the house either. I duked into the bushed and let it rip. I came out of the bushes with my shorts sown to my ankles, sat down on his dads perfectly manicured lawn and scooted my ny ass about 15 feet. I looked like a dog with worms. Needless to say my buddies were on the ground rolling and I think one even pissed his pants!
Did anybody else notice that the company selling the reusable shitrags also sells sandwich wraps that look eerily similar?
Oh yeah, and my socks once.
When you work outside, as I did doing Land surveying, you can get caught with no tp. Simple: Grab knife, cut underwear off body, wipe.Socks can be done but they are usually alittle on the stinky from walking for miles.My brother, who trucked for a living would just take a roll of paper towels on the road. Just 1,2,3 and you have a big brawny mess. Discard to side of road. Hopefully someones pet poodle will roll in it and come back to the cadillac stinking like the treatment plant…Happy Monday
Spatula City!
“My, where did you get that lovely spatula?”
Trust me:
http://www.poopreport.com/Stories/index.html
I recently used my marriage license as tp. It was worth it. As soon as the divorce papers arrive I will be using those…It probably wont be as satisfying.
kind of a hippy? The only way you earn the “kind of” qualifier up there is if you have a laundry service. My mom used cloth on my ass in the early 80’s… and she’s kinda a right-winged Bible beater… but she had a laundry service God Damnit!
On backpacking/fishing outings, I have made use of checking account deposit slips (otherwise completly unused) and rhododendron leaves. Prefer the deposit slips, but would have paid handsomely for a few sheets of Cottonelle Ultra Aloe.
in a pinch, and affter a pinch, cofee filters……..
I shit myself once at Ryan’s.
No, wait. That was some other poor bastard.