Your Weekend Update, vol. 258

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  The weather was absolute perfection, here in the Upper Perogie Belt.  Plus, our lawnmower wouldn’t start for some reason, and how kickass is that?  I submit that it’s INORDINATELY kickass.  Of course, at some point it’s going to become a hand-through-the-hair aggravation, but we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.

Last weekend I didn’t get enough sleep and drank too much beer.  This weekend was the exact opposite:  lotsa sleep and not much beer.  It’s funny how this works, but I feel a million times better than I did one week ago today.  Weird, huh?

The books are all signed and in the mail.  My right hand is a wretched claw, but the project is complete.  So, if you ordered one, it should be arriving soon.  Thanks to everyone who bought a copy.  It’s an honor.  I hope you enjoy the ridiculous tale of Jovis McIntire and his deal with the devil.  Please let us know your thoughts.

Also, if you purchased a copy of the paperback through Amazon, and would like to get my palsied scratches on it for some reason, send me an email.  We’ll work something out.  I’m very agreeable at the moment, so strike before the chemicals start mixing differently, and everything goes black again.

Heck, if anyone still wants a signed copy, I’ll be glad to do that, too – now that the scary-ass mega-stack is conquered.  Here’s the PayPal button:
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A few of you emailed and asked about it, so why not?  I’m ready to do a few more.

On Saturday Toney and I went to a new Mexican restaurant nearby, and it was a frustrating experience.  The place looks cool, it’s small but not too small, and feels like something we could support; we were hit by a wave of goodwill when we passed through the door.

However…  the beer selection is a turd, Toney’s margarita tasted like (as she described it) antifreeze, and our nachos were covered in melted Cheez Whiz.  I’ve got nothing against Cheez Whiz in the right setting, but that wasn’t it.  Those nachos were crying out for some queso, or whatever that white stuff is called.

We only went for a drink and an appetizer, so we didn’t get into the real food, but we left there feeling like a great opportunity was being missed.  If they’d bring in some real beer (Corona is utter swill), do something about their bartender, and adjust the cheese calibration… we’d undoubtedly funnel a lot of money into that place.

So close, and yet so far…  And I could turn that shit around with a thirty-minute meeting.  It’s a shame, really.  Do you know of any bars or restaurants that are this close to brilliance?  Tell us about it, won’t you?

There’s a rental house behind us, with new people living in it.  And they have a small yappin’ dog that never stops yappin’.  They tie it up outside, all day and most of the night, and it just stands out there and repeats its shrill bark, over and over again.

On Saturday I drove past their house, and there were three fat women sitting on towels in the grass.  The biggest one had to keep her legs spread wide, to accommodate her squared-off, cascading belly – which looked like a Hawaii Five-O wave of blubber.  And I could hear their dog yappin’ out back.  Why?  Why wasn’t he out front with them?  I hate when people have a pet, and pay it no attention whatsoever.

I have a feeling most of the neighbors are unhappy about the constant barking, but I blame the trio of fatties killing the grass on the front lawn.  The dog is innocent, in my eyes.  It’s that triumvirate of hogs that’s to blame.

Am I wrong?

And finally, Toney and I were talking about maybe seeing a movie in the near future.  We go to roughly one movie per year in a theater, and it feels like it’s time.  We used to take the kids to see kids’ movies, but they go with their friends now.

But there are so many downsides to visiting a movie theater…  The admission price is pretty hefty, and the concession stand prices can cause a grown man to walk across a lobby with a can of Mountain Dew hidden in his underwear.  And it gets even worse once you enter the theater itself, on account of the high percentage of people who eat like goddamn pigs.  Lips smacking, wrappers rattling, grunting, snorkeling, crunching, slurping…

How often do you see a movie in a theater?  What’s your opinion of the experience, circa 2011?  I loved it as a kid, but am generally annoyed today.  Please share your thoughts below.

And I’m gonna call it a day, my friends.

I’ll be back tomorrow.

Now playing in the bunker
Read Jeff’s new novel, Crossroads Road