Yesterday afternoon I took an impossibly heavy (“What’s in this bitch, a corpse?!”) bag of trash to the garage. The door was open for some reason, and when I approached the bin a squirrel LEAPED from it, and toward me. It had its legs spread out, like a skydiver, and I nearly shat.
My heart missed a couple of beats, but the flying rodent seemed to swerve off at the last minute and scampered away. What the hell, man??
And that stupid animal had ripped big holes in the garbage bags that were already there, and left soppy, trash juice-saturated crap all over the garage floor. I was pissed. It’s always something around this place.
On trash day (aka Thursday) huge, menacing black birds swoop down and start going to town on everybody’s garbage bags. And those things can do some major damage in a short amount of time… Yeah, I know, we should have a bin with a lid. But I can’t see myself doing any bin shopping, anytime soon.
Sometimes I fly off the handle and go running at those giant crows (or whatever), waving my arms and hollering. But they’re usually not impressed and just sit there watching the show. Eventually they fly away, but make it clear they’re doing so on THEIR terms.
The freakin’ wild kingdom needs to leave our trash alone.
I finished reading Stephen King’s 11/22/63 on Saturday night. It’s nearly a thousand pages and I polished it off in 15 days. That’s really fast for me. I enjoyed it, but it bothered me that characters in the past kept using phrases that I know were not invented at the time. Like, for instance, “asshat.” I mean, seriously.
But it was entertaining, and that’s all I wanted. I now have the confidence to tackle The Stand, but it’ll have to be on my Kindle, and sometime in the future. I can’t read two thousand-page books in a row. I need to cleanse the palate with something a little less over-the-top.
I read a lot faster with the Kindle, for some reason. Part of it has to do with the light built into the cover — I can read in bed without disturbing Toney — but I think it’s more than that. I can’t put my finger on the reason, but I rip through books on that thing. I love it.
My three beers of the past week were Yards Philadelphia Pale Ale. I’d had the Yards IPA before, but never the pale ale. They were excellent. There was a definite grapefruit taste to it, along the lines of Dogfish Head 60 Minute Ale, which is one of my favorites.
Starting next week I might take advantage of Wegmans’ “create your own 6 pack” section. They have a shitload of single bottles, and you can pick and choose and create your own sixer — for $11.99, I think. That way I can enjoy three new beers in one night, but not go over my self-imposed weekly limit.
And I know some of you scoffed at this scheme, but it’s gone incredibly well, so far. It’s been perfect.
I hate to toot my own horn here, but I said something yesterday that was pretty goddamned funny. At least I think so… The younger Secret was telling me a story about some kid at his school who happens to have an unusual name. That wasn’t the point of the tale, but it’s what I seized on.
“What the hell? What kind of name is that??” I said.
“He’s Indian, I think.”
“Indian? Do you mean neurosurgeon, or feather?”
Yes, I enjoyed that. Toney just rolled her eyes, but it still makes me laugh. What of it?
Today is Cyber Monday (Cyber?? What is this, 1995?), and if you’re shopping, as required by law, please remember to use our Amazon links. Here they are again: Amazon US and Amazon Canada. I appreciate your support!
And finally, I have a questionable question for you guys today. Imagine, if you will, a teenage boy from the 1970s transported to 2011. What about him would make people believe he might be a poofter? Hey, I told you it was questionable…
Here are a few I came up with: tube socks, tiny Jimmy Connors tennis shorts, tighty-whities, Ted McGinley hair…
Can you come up with more? And it doesn’t have to be limited to rumors of poofterism. It can just be things that would make people raise an eyebrow.
And we can do it the other way around, too. What about a current teenager (boy or girl) transported to, say, 1976? What would make people think they were a bit strange?
Please use the comments link below.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Give Crossroads Road to your friends and enemies!
Tipsey McChugney says
I toot my own horn all the time. Nothing wrong with that, is there?
Too bad you didn’t have a link to Newegg, Jeff or I’dda been all over that!
I have to nail a memo on my hand to remind me to use your link. I’ll admit I buy from Amazon all.the.time but remember to use your link about 30% of the time. I owe you a lot of beers.
To make up for it I’ll put a shout out on my FB page asking my friends to use your link.
Or Micro Center, for that matter. I’ll need to get with the program, 64-bit-wise, soon-ish. Lately when I need a computer I’ve been going with the refurbished Dells from Micro Center and I have no complaints. It’s nice that Windows is such a hog; when I install a lean OS on an ‘old’ machine, it’s screaming fast.
Joe T. says
Yards Philadelphia Pale Ale…mmmmmm!
How about a powder blue leisure suit? Or a Houston Astros home jersey.
Trash day is on Friday, moron.
To answer your question:
I’ve seen this link before and it still makes me rage inside.
Blue colored Zip sneakers.
‘Scuse me, they were called Zips. Here’s a commercial for an orange pair.
I had a blue pair and just remember the dye coming off on everything.
Farrah Faucett hair wings
There’s a line from a movie, can’t recall which one, where the question of which type of Indian comes up – the response is “7-11 or reservation”?
Going back to 1976, whale tails, tattoos and lip-tongue-nasal piercings would flip ’em all out until their smiley face tee shirts barfed up yellow…
can’t remember much about the 70s. i had 4 kids under the age of 5 and was operating on a malignant sleep deficit. oh god!!!
I think the way people usually say that is “dot or feather”.
I am surprised there is not a trash can ordinance in your town. There is here.
Speaking of trash – I noticed the city administration of Morgantown recently decided they were going to enforce the trash laws. I bet that didn’t last long.
I saw a fresh trail of fast food bags on my way into this morning.
I wish I could transport back to 1976, and be 16 instead of 10. Dazed and Confused indeed.
I’d be in egg form.
Bill in WV says
As any true American should be, I drink to get drunk and have fun, not for the taste. PBR and multiple shots of Jaeger and I’m good to go.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Sucking cocks, open-mouthed kissing other men with or without beards, finding phallus shaped objects in his bathroom (candles, sticks of celery, etc), Tom Selleck posters all over his bedroom.
I would speak up for myself in defense of not being gay if it weren’t for all these dicks in my mouth.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Well sucking dicks doesn’t make you gay, obviously. Otherwise I’d be gay. And that’s ridiculous.
Pounding a woman in the pooper isn’t gay because you balls are slapping against a gootch. It’s not until balls be slappin’ balls that it gets gay.
Does it make you gay if a guy blows you? Or just if you like it BECAUSE its a guy blowing you? I really need an answer to this as soon as you can.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Well I looked it up in an Emily Post book and it goes like this:
You can have your dick sucked by a man until climax without being gay if it can be reasonably argued that you didn’t know it was a man (glory hole, really good cross-dresser, etc.) If you’re aware that it’s a man and knowing that fact excites you, gay. If you’re aroused by another man’s hairy ass but consider a proper woman’s slit “revolting”, gay.
I hope this helps.
You’re not gay if you’re on top.
Collar’s popped up
Ruffled tux shirt
Low side part (Marsha Brady)
Our trash is a thorn in our side. We put the trash out. By the next morning it is all over the driveway and side of the house. Fucking raccoons. So we bought new trash cans with screw on lids. Some how, some way, the coons get the lids off anyway. Now when the trash goes out it gets a heaping helping of bleach or amonia poured over top. No problem since.
Anyone from now who landed in the 70s and used the word “friend” as a verb would have his cell phone shoved so far up his anal canal that he would quite simply be dead.
It took me a moment to figure out what you meant, but once I did…hilarious.
I think a lot of the 70s look has been back in fashion for a while. I believe some of the so-called hipster look is derived from the 1970s.
Any 2011 teenage boy transported back to the 70’s would be suspected of “bein’ a danged ol kwoir”…
I was a teenager in the 1970s, and the only thing I can think of that would look downright gay nowadays (as opposed to merely retarded) is men wearing the ultra-short shorts. Today’s fashion that would have looked gay then is men wearing those little ankle socks. Wait, that still looks gay today. Being young and hot never goes out of style, and I fondly remember when it was fashionable for young women to display high-beams, or the odd camel toe.
I’ve been using the WVSR Amazon links ever since I became aware of it; got it bookmarked.
-- Steve says
Call Center or Casino?
Plaid, pleated pants with 2″ cuffs, platform shoes, a polyester long-collared shirt and hair that covered your ears and forehead. and black plastic glasses with electrical tape on them. God the 70’s were awful.
‘Call center’ – hah! Now and then I have made a phone call, to be answered by a voice with a musical Gujarati accent saying, “Thank you for calling Dell tech support; my name is Steve”.
other day i got telemarketer with alleged name ”raymond’
think i could hear elephants in backround
the fun part was making him say”hello, my name is peggy” 3 times
he really wanted to make sale
The variation I’ve heard is “Tech support or table gaming?”
Wearing the little apotropaic Italian cornicello horn jewelry around the neck.
Apparently Amazon has them to this day. I was a child edging into the teenage years in the 70’s.
What kind of third world neighborhood desn’t require a garbage can? Do you just drag your dead out to the curb too? Shit. You’re lucky squirrels are all you have.
Here’s a top tip from the “civilized” state of Kentucky: Garbage cans cost $15 dollars at Home Depot and last 10+years (you don’t really have to shop for them). They have lids and wheels on them. The wheels allow you to roll all of your garbage to the curb at once without getting juice all over your work clothes. The lid keeps your garage from smelling like a dump and keeps rats, mice, dogs, cats, flies, maggots, and yes, even squirrels at bay. Why is this completely lost on my Northeastern friends?
Just trying to help.
The heaviest thing in the world is a juicy bag of garbage.
Mmm, garbage juice. It’s awesome following behind a garbage truck in the summer and seeing the stream of goodness flowing out of it. One of the reasons I don’t ride my bicycle to work.
To be entirely accurate, the heaviest thing in the world is Newt Gingrich’s ass, but the garbage is a close second.
Hm. I thought Grover Norquist’s ass was heavier than neutronium, but OK. I guess it depends on what you mean by “in the world”.
You’ve captured the essence of my comment. Whilst Grover’s ass, like all of Grover, is made of neutron-degenerate matter, he is, of course, not of this world.
I was stretching a point to assert that Newt IS of this world, but it is the season of giving, so let’s be generous.
magnanimous generous, or gargantuan generous?
The heaviest thing in the world is a garbage bag chock full of rat shit. Source:2 years changing rat cages in animal research labs.
Interesting fact:Garbage men don’t say a word about a dumpster full to near overflowing with broken open bags of rat shit, but will straight refuse to pick it up if its got a lot of rainwater in it(regardless of the amount of feces in the dumpster)
one of our linemen filled a dumpster with water and sat back to watch when they came to dump it. The lift was groaning….. and then……all of the water flooded all over the garbage truck. The driver had his window open. It was an ugly but really funny scene! yeah he was a real butthole…ha ha
My nephew came home from pre-school and proudly demonstrated that he had learned to sit “Indian-style.” I told him his teachers were full of shit. I grabbed a Jim Beam fifth of the bar and showed how to REALY sit indian-style – Clutching the bottle,l laid up against the foot of the couch and one foot resting lazily on the coffee table.
Sometimes I horrify myself.
That is funny!
The Qweezy Mark says
Jim Beam sure is versatile. I used it Sunday night to feel like shit on Monday morning!
Curry or casino?
I went from the San Francisco Garbage Nazis, where we had 3 different cans (garbage, recycle and compost) and if you continually put the wrong shit in the wrong can they wanted to FINE YOU $1000 to Italy where you have to bring your garbage to one of the many dumpsters on the side of the road for pick up. No such thing as home pick up here. I’m still convinced they take the recycle bin and the garbage bin and dump them together in the end. Fucking Italians.
…Oh yeah, I second the powder blue leisure suit comment! As for myself in the 1970s, I had these horrendous black and orange high heeled suede boots that made me look like I had just stepped off the set of the movie “Tommy.”
Another 70s icon was bell bottom pants and really wide belts. But hey, we looked good at the time!
Garbage day is Tuesday and Friday where I live…plus I have two big blue garbage cans on wheels. The only thing that sucks is when they blow away in the tremendous wind storms here.
Cool thing about Nome is that you can actually go into the dump to get stuff. I went there with a buddy last Summer. I got spare inner tubes for my bicycle, he got spare tires and wheels for his truck…just throway tires in case he had a numerous flats way outside of town.
Evil Twin's Wife says
The Evil Twin got so pissed at all the wildlife around here getting into our trash cans (and actually biting through them), he went shopping for the biggest, baddest bin of them all. To the tune of $70. It has our last name written all over it in Sharpie (no thieving) and then he also puts a clamp on the lid to thwart bin pilfering from our own little “Mutual of Omaha” out here.
Yards beer is great..and philly local. Their “ales of the revolution” are worth a taste also. Been to the brewery two or three times, its a good visit. i think i remember them saying they just toss a few hundred grapfruits into the vat for the pale ale, hence the flavor.
Philadelphia Brewing Co.(PBC) gives a better tour and not as stuffy, but their beers not as good. I’d recommend a visit to either if you’re in the hood.
Most likely the grapefruit flavor/aroma comes from Cascades hops.
And I need to say “Victory Brewing” one more time.
We have the official blue dump cans. One time I opened it and a baby coon was inside I just tipped it and let him out.
Fair warning: The Stand was just awful. And particularly disappointing after having committed to reading over 1300 pages (the unabridged version). I recommend against it!
Phil Jett says
Great characters, great references, great storyline. You are nuts.