Our oldest son had to do a project for school where he was required to collect leaves from fifteen different trees, and label them inside a folder of some sort. Who the hell knows? Toney was all over it, so I wasn’t required to pay attention.
But on Sunday he was working on it, and Toney was at the grocery store. So, he came to me with a couple of leaves, and wanted me to tell him what kind of trees they came from.
“You’re asking the wrong person,” I said. “I don’t know anything about trees or plants, or any of that stuff. I got – literally – nothing.”
“I need to finish this today,” he said.
“Well, wait till your mother gets back, or look it up on the internet.”
“Ohhhhh maaaaan,” he whined.
“Hey, it’s your project. You’re supposed to know.”
“I just need to get this finished. I’ve been working on it all weekend.”
Frowning, I took the leaves and started looking them over. “OK, let me see. …I think this is a Chinese weeping maple, and this one looks like it might be a Jew spruce.”
I’m pretty sure he knew I was joking. Reasonably sure.
On Thursday I mowed our whole yard, for only the second time this year. I’ve been trying to pawn that job off on the boys, and they’ve been handling most of it this spring.
But they don’t do a very good job… They’re half-assed, and are prone to cutting corners. Or, more precisely, NOT cutting corners… While I was mowing on Thursday I came across sections out back that had clearly not been touched since the last time I did it. Grrr… We’ll be having a brief meeting.
I got it whipped into shape, though, and loved having it done before everyone else. It made me happy in my soul to see the neighbors out there on Friday evening, or over the weekend, their cracks awash in perspiration – while ours was already a thing of beauty. You know, relatively speaking.
In fact, I’m tempted to just knock it out every Thursday, and always get a jump on the neighbors. After school is out, I can enlist the help of the Secrets, and supervise their work. Thursdays will be “yard day,” or “stick it to Half-Shirt day,” or whatever we choose to call it.
Of course, the guy on the corner has a service that cuts his yard every week. That trumps everything; there’ s simply no beating that bastard. God, how I hate him.
On Saturday I woke up starving, and knew it would be one of those days where I’d be unable to achieve a state of un-hungry. I’ve been around long enough to know how those things go. If I get out of bed already super-hungry, I’ll be a bottomless pit the whole day.
So, I made that prediction on Twitter, and polished off two Little Debbies in the kitchen. And when I returned to my computer, I had a response that said, “Oh noes. I have lots of days like that too.” And it was from E.L. James, author of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. You know, the most popular books in the world? The whole thing was disconcerting, and I sat there blinking real fast for a full minute.
What’s next? A J.K. Rowling Facebook “poke?” It made my brain melt down. Very cool.
And for the record… my prediction was correct. I couldn’t stop eating on Saturday, yet remained hungry throughout. You can’t start out with a deficit like that…
In case you missed it, I posted a super-rare Saturday update this past weekend. Here’s your link. It’s a story from olden times, written and cut from a book project I recently started. I believe it’s at least mildly funny.
And if you were thinking about maybe donating to the Surf Report cause, today might be a good day to do it. Ahem. Here’s the beer page. As always… much appreciated.
I’ll leave you now with a Question inspired by this article about a new line of Yankee Candles for men. The new fragrances are called Man Town (wtf?), First Down, Riding Mower, and 2×4. I like the last one, but sure as shit don’t want to smell fresh-cut grass, or (full-body shiver) Man Town.
In any case, I know we can do better. What fragrances should Yankee Candle introduce for men? Please list your suggestions in the comments box below.
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!