Our oldest son had to do a project for school where he was required to collect leaves from fifteen different trees, and label them inside a folder of some sort. Who the hell knows? Toney was all over it, so I wasn’t required to pay attention.
But on Sunday he was working on it, and Toney was at the grocery store. So, he came to me with a couple of leaves, and wanted me to tell him what kind of trees they came from.
“You’re asking the wrong person,” I said. “I don’t know anything about trees or plants, or any of that stuff. I got – literally – nothing.”
“I need to finish this today,” he said.
“Well, wait till your mother gets back, or look it up on the internet.”
“Ohhhhh maaaaan,” he whined.
“Hey, it’s your project. You’re supposed to know.”
“I just need to get this finished. I’ve been working on it all weekend.”
Frowning, I took the leaves and started looking them over. “OK, let me see. …I think this is a Chinese weeping maple, and this one looks like it might be a Jew spruce.”
I’m pretty sure he knew I was joking. Reasonably sure.
On Thursday I mowed our whole yard, for only the second time this year. I’ve been trying to pawn that job off on the boys, and they’ve been handling most of it this spring.
But they don’t do a very good job… They’re half-assed, and are prone to cutting corners. Or, more precisely, NOT cutting corners… While I was mowing on Thursday I came across sections out back that had clearly not been touched since the last time I did it. Grrr… We’ll be having a brief meeting.
I got it whipped into shape, though, and loved having it done before everyone else. It made me happy in my soul to see the neighbors out there on Friday evening, or over the weekend, their cracks awash in perspiration – while ours was already a thing of beauty. You know, relatively speaking.
In fact, I’m tempted to just knock it out every Thursday, and always get a jump on the neighbors. After school is out, I can enlist the help of the Secrets, and supervise their work. Thursdays will be “yard day,” or “stick it to Half-Shirt day,” or whatever we choose to call it.
Of course, the guy on the corner has a service that cuts his yard every week. That trumps everything; there’ s simply no beating that bastard. God, how I hate him.
On Saturday I woke up starving, and knew it would be one of those days where I’d be unable to achieve a state of un-hungry. I’ve been around long enough to know how those things go. If I get out of bed already super-hungry, I’ll be a bottomless pit the whole day.
So, I made that prediction on Twitter, and polished off two Little Debbies in the kitchen. And when I returned to my computer, I had a response that said, “Oh noes. I have lots of days like that too.” And it was from E.L. James, author of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. You know, the most popular books in the world? The whole thing was disconcerting, and I sat there blinking real fast for a full minute.
What’s next? A J.K. Rowling Facebook “poke?” It made my brain melt down. Very cool.
And for the record… my prediction was correct. I couldn’t stop eating on Saturday, yet remained hungry throughout. You can’t start out with a deficit like that…
In case you missed it, I posted a super-rare Saturday update this past weekend. Here’s your link. It’s a story from olden times, written and cut from a book project I recently started. I believe it’s at least mildly funny.
And if you were thinking about maybe donating to the Surf Report cause, today might be a good day to do it. Ahem. Here’s the beer page. As always… much appreciated.
I’ll leave you now with a Question inspired by this article about a new line of Yankee Candles for men. The new fragrances are called Man Town (wtf?), First Down, Riding Mower, and 2×4. I like the last one, but sure as shit don’t want to smell fresh-cut grass, or (full-body shiver) Man Town.
In any case, I know we can do better. What fragrances should Yankee Candle introduce for men? Please list your suggestions in the comments box below.
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he could use a beer
Fizzurst!
Numero Uno (and I already read the update!)
Damn you, t-storm!!
Used maxi pad
I believe this blues song was written by Robert Johnson’s cousin, Shlomo Johnson…
.
Gonna take my 2×4 to Man Town,
‘Cause my woman done me wrong,
Yeah gonna take my 2×4 to Man Town,
‘Cause my woman done me wrong,
Well, I might make myself a First Down
If a Riding Mower don’t whack my schlong.
.
jtb
DAMN, jtb – I have a meeting in 4 minutes and CAN’T STOP LAUGHING!
Other Yankee Candle Fragrances For Men…
.
Diminished Testosterone
Old Spice & Rum
Two-Cycle Engine
Old Slippers
Muscle Car With Lacerations
Unbalanced Table Saw
Buck With Four Wounds – None Serious
Slightly Damp Dream
Bad Memory
.
jtb
I bought one like this years ago called stripper. It smelled like cheap perfume and actually had glitter mixed in with it. Here’s a site for it… http://www.hotwicks.com/stripper-candles-a/150.htm
Kevlar Vest
Wet dog in the new car
Moldy basement
Flaming toaster oven
Chili aftermath
Candle scents:
Pizza box
New electronics
Sawdust
That’s cool she commented on your Tweet.
I read the books. The first in the series was good, the other two so-so.
The sex scenes got old after a while. Blah blah blah tie her up blah blah blah ball gag blah blah blah anal beads blah blah blah….
My wife is halfway through the 2nd one. She’s said the same thing about the sex scenes (says there is one every 3 pages) but yet they still manage to tune her up for me to come in and work my magic!
TMI?
Not TMI at all!
Glad the books are giving a little pep your “special cuddle time”. 🙂
Seriously it gets really, really repetitive in the third book. I skipped most of the s-e-x scenes. Overall the story is good and the characters are interesting. But enough with all the sex. I have cable TV for that.
I definitely recommend for guys to read it too. 🙂 It’s always good to get some pointers. 🙂
Hops.
Freshly opened Beer.
Essence of female.
Broken Wind
Soild Linen
Hair ‘a Fire
Ode la Foote
Morning Breath
Burnt Weenie Sandwich
Doobie, Doobie Dew
***SOILED Linen….damn!
Careful, you will get the Zappa Family trust on your ass.
Porterhouse Steak
High Stakes Poker Game
Chum Bait
Oil & Lube
Sweaty Scrotum
Brake Cleaner
Castor Bean Oil
Gutted Trout
Moonshine
Off topic……. Here’s a conversation that happened at my house this weekend.
Yelling across the house….
Me: The baby is bleeding!
Her: From where?
Me: I don’t know!
Her: What are your *doing* about it?
Me: Nothing.
Her: WHY NOT???!!!!
Me: I’m wearing expensive pants!
HA!
Gym socks
Manly candle scents:
Fishin’ Hole
Two-Stroke Engine
Beaver Dam
Wet Forest
I am the master of the double entendre.
Wet Navel Lint
Eau de Hoo-ha
More scent ideas for man-candles:
Diesel smoke
Gasoline
Burnout/Smoking tires
Morning after college basement party
They should just market candles with whatever scent makes ladies underwear come off – lavender? vanilla? cash? – since that’s the only reason straight men tolerate candles.
Oh and just get lawn service. Work the extra time required to pay for it, it’s a fair trade. 5 guys do my lawn (3 on mowers, 1 each with a weedwacker and a blower) in about 20 minutes and it would take me 2 hours. That’s 2 hours of sweaty butt crack, getting stung and fixing the mower when it breaks. Fuck that, pay someone else to do it. It’s liberating to know that you’ve cut your last grass.
The sent that would make ladies underwear come off would be called…”Berry White”
That would be cedarwood.
My husband hates yard work too, but he’s stuck with mower maintenance. I’d much rather mow our acre, weed and cut brush than cook and clean any day.
See da wood? Yeah you probably can if I’m bothering with scented candles and crap 🙂
Woody
John Deer Green
Powder Burn
Flat Skunk
Crawl Space
Snoose
what’s “snoose”?
Mouth tabackie…Skoll and the like.
Oooh gimme a wad! I’ll use my coffee cup as a spittoon!
My heart skipped a beat or three when I read that.
Man Town…….a blend of feces and astro glide??
haha! how many cigarettes does that cost?
A friend of mine showed me a website selling “Mandles” a while back. I seem to recall “buffalo wing” as being one of the scents offered.
KY Jelly/Go-Go Juice
Pigskin
Bat Wings
Meow Meow Pussy
Burnout
Biker Leather
Ape Hanger
Wet Towel on the Floor
Same T-Shirt
Sink Full of Dishes
Greasy Morning Mohawk
Gunpowder and Semen?
I mean seriously, what heterosexual man would ever light a scented candle? Maybe some men do…I’ve just never met one.
To just sit around and smell it by himself to cover up his house funk?….not to many I’d guess. But….I almost caught a motel room on fire trying to get laid.
Ha! Funny!
Actually the two kinda smell similar don’t they? Cordite and that coppery blood like smell?
I like to light an apple cinnamon candle around Christmas time. What of it?
Presenting the newest fragrance for that manly man…..Puke in a Beard”. Yes, Puke in a Beard, the one fragrance that stays with you 24-48 hours and makes you re-live the good times.
I can’t imagine a heterosexual man purchasing a scented candle. Candles are for when the power goes out, or you’re doin’ some romancin’. Having said that…
– Fresh coffee
– Steaks on the Grill
– soldering (just a tiny whiff)
– BG 44K
– new tires
– Laphroiag
.
For some reason my computer at work can’t get to the Sur Report. I don’t know what I’ll do at work tomorrow if it still can’t connect to your server.
Something good about being in Arizona is that we only have to blow the dirt to the other side of the yard with the lawn mower two or three times a year.
Talk about being hungry, I have to fast for 12 hours for some blood work. I’ll even be awake for four or five of those hours. I don’t know How I’m gonna do it. I can already feel my stomach already trying to digest my spine.
You want Rowling to poke you. Damn prevert.
Wow, those Mandles are getting around. Here’s a report on them from Dave’s Cupboard.
http://davescupboard.blogspot.com/2012/05/sniff-test-man-candles-by-yankee.html
As far as my favorite scent, I like stuff from the Yankee Candle “Booze and Despair” line, particularly the “Virginia Slim Ashes” and “Greasy Gin.”
pineapple cumcake..(just sayin)
chili starter
lawn that mows itself ( i bet jeff would light 50 of those)
and if anyone is keeping track…death #5 happened today.. ive no tears left
ok that first candle would be one i would buy heh
Awesome.
I’m not sure if this is smells that guys are supposed like, or things guys smell like:
Smells guys like if they’re the type that likes smells. (I could do without smells so this is all assumption):
Weed
Giant Titty Smell
Barbecue Smoke
Pot roast
WD-40
Gun powder
Kim Kardashian butt
Old comic books
Barber shop
Solder fumes
Fresh duct tape
Butter simmered onion
Old lumber
Things that guys smell like:
Stale urine
Rotten meat breath
Decaying Sports Coat
Old flesh
Shit
Renault LeCar
Crotch and Axe Body Spray
Old Old Spice
Headache
Patton Oswalt
Metal hands
Old boner
Sweat and vinyl
Truck stop hotdogs
ice..that was funny as hell! Just wondering, though, what “giant titty smell” would be? I have gia….well fairly big titty’s and never had anyone say anything about a “smell”!
I’m not sure. Let me get in there and take a whiff.
the ultimate mancandle:
4 hour erection
Is that a 4 hour erection I smell?
.
Boots and Saddles
Rode Hard and Put Away Wet
Saddle Blanket
Morning Corral
Horse Shit
I don’t do horses. And that has nothing to do with being bitten by a Percheron.
.
Bedpan
Overheated Ford
Vomit
Wrestler’s Jockstrap
Gasoline
Rancid Ham
Poprocks
Urinal Mint
Garage Garbage Can
Butternut ‘n balls
Fresh rubber
Are Weeping Jews evergreens or deciduous?
I read “Yankee” and “fragrance” and immediately thought of this. http://www.nyyankeesfragrance.com/ wtf?
OH, their advertising the crap out of out on the subways.
So i guess it’s safe to assume it smells like stale jock straps with a hint of Skoal?
BEER
Gunpowder
Ribs on the Grill
Dirt Track Saturday Night
The Hot Chick at Work
BACON
Fair Food
Krispy Kreme “HOT” Light
…now I’m officially starving!
Ragwater, bitters and blue ruin
Rusty trombone
Venus butterfly
Backyard sewer grate
Talcum powder