The West Virginia Surf Report!

Jeff Kay's Ridiculous Adventures In Suburbia

Your Weekend Update, vol. 174

By 66 Comments

Our oldest son had to do a project for school where he was required to collect leaves from fifteen different trees, and label them inside a folder of some sort.  Who the hell knows?  Toney was all over it, so I wasn’t required to pay attention.

But on Sunday he was working on it, and Toney was at the grocery store.  So, he came to me with a couple of leaves, and wanted me to tell him what kind of trees they came from.

“You’re asking the wrong person,” I said.  “I don’t know anything about trees or plants, or any of that stuff.  I got – literally – nothing.”

“I need to finish this today,” he said.

“Well, wait till your mother gets back, or look it up on the internet.”

“Ohhhhh maaaaan,” he whined.

“Hey, it’s your project.  You’re supposed to know.”

“I just need to get this finished. I’ve been working on it all weekend.”

Frowning, I took the leaves and started looking them over.  “OK, let me see.  …I think this is a Chinese weeping maple, and this one looks like it might be a Jew spruce.”

I’m pretty sure he knew I was joking.  Reasonably sure.

On Thursday I mowed our whole yard, for only the second time this year.  I’ve been trying to pawn that job off on the boys, and they’ve been handling most of it this spring.

But they don’t do a very good job…  They’re half-assed, and are prone to cutting corners.  Or, more precisely, NOT cutting corners…  While I was mowing on Thursday I came across sections out back that had clearly not been touched since the last time I did it.  Grrr…  We’ll be having a brief meeting.

I got it whipped into shape, though, and loved having it done before everyone else.  It made me happy in my soul to see the neighbors out there on Friday evening, or over the weekend, their cracks awash in perspiration – while ours was already a thing of beauty.  You know, relatively speaking.

In fact, I’m tempted to just knock it out every Thursday, and always get a jump on the neighbors.  After school is out, I can enlist the help of the Secrets, and supervise their work. Thursdays will be “yard day,” or “stick it to Half-Shirt day,” or whatever we choose to call it.

Of course, the guy on the corner has a service that cuts his yard every week.  That trumps everything; there’ s simply no beating that bastard.  God, how I hate him.

On Saturday I woke up starving, and knew it would be one of those days where I’d be unable to achieve a state of un-hungry.  I’ve been around long enough to know how those things go.  If I get out of bed already super-hungry, I’ll be a bottomless pit the whole day.

So, I made that prediction on Twitter, and polished off two Little Debbies in the kitchen.  And when I returned to my computer, I had a response that said, “Oh noes. I have lots of days like that too.”  And it was from E.L. James, author of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy.  You know, the most popular books in the world? The whole thing was disconcerting, and I sat there blinking real fast for a full minute.

What’s next?  A J.K. Rowling Facebook “poke?”  It made my brain melt down.  Very cool.

And for the record… my prediction was correct.  I couldn’t stop eating on Saturday, yet remained hungry throughout.  You can’t start out with a deficit like that…

In case you missed it, I posted a super-rare Saturday update this past weekend.  Here’s your link.  It’s a story from olden times, written and cut from a book project I recently started.  I believe it’s at least mildly funny.

And if you were thinking about maybe donating to the Surf Report cause, today might be a good day to do it.  Ahem.  Here’s the beer page.  As always… much appreciated.

I’ll leave you now with a Question inspired by this article about a new line of Yankee Candles for men.  The new fragrances are called Man Town (wtf?), First Down, Riding Mower, and 2×4.  I like the last one, but sure as shit don’t want to smell fresh-cut grass, or (full-body shiver) Man Town.

In any case, I know we can do better.  What fragrances should Yankee Candle introduce for men?  Please list your suggestions in the comments box below.

And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he could use a beer

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Comments

  5. I believe this blues song was written by Robert Johnson’s cousin, Shlomo Johnson…

    .
    Gonna take my 2×4 to Man Town,
    ‘Cause my woman done me wrong,
    Yeah gonna take my 2×4 to Man Town,
    ‘Cause my woman done me wrong,
    Well, I might make myself a First Down
    If a Riding Mower don’t whack my schlong.

    .
    jtb

    Reply

  6. Other Yankee Candle Fragrances For Men…

    .
    Diminished Testosterone

    Old Spice & Rum

    Two-Cycle Engine

    Old Slippers

    Muscle Car With Lacerations

    Unbalanced Table Saw

    Buck With Four Wounds – None Serious

    Slightly Damp Dream

    Bad Memory

    .
    jtb

    Reply

  11. That’s cool she commented on your Tweet.

    I read the books. The first in the series was good, the other two so-so.

    The sex scenes got old after a while. Blah blah blah tie her up blah blah blah ball gag blah blah blah anal beads blah blah blah….

    Reply

    • My wife is halfway through the 2nd one. She’s said the same thing about the sex scenes (says there is one every 3 pages) but yet they still manage to tune her up for me to come in and work my magic!

      TMI?

      Reply

      • Not TMI at all!

        Glad the books are giving a little pep your “special cuddle time”. 🙂

        Seriously it gets really, really repetitive in the third book. I skipped most of the s-e-x scenes. Overall the story is good and the characters are interesting. But enough with all the sex. I have cable TV for that.

        I definitely recommend for guys to read it too. 🙂 It’s always good to get some pointers. 🙂

        Reply

  13. Broken Wind
    Soild Linen
    Hair ‘a Fire
    Ode la Foote
    Morning Breath
    Burnt Weenie Sandwich
    Doobie, Doobie Dew

    Reply

  16. Off topic……. Here’s a conversation that happened at my house this weekend.

    Yelling across the house….

    Me: The baby is bleeding!
    Her: From where?
    Me: I don’t know!
    Her: What are your *doing* about it?
    Me: Nothing.
    Her: WHY NOT???!!!!
    Me: I’m wearing expensive pants!

    Reply

  18. Manly candle scents:

    Fishin’ Hole
    Two-Stroke Engine
    Beaver Dam
    Wet Forest

    I am the master of the double entendre.

    Reply

  21. More scent ideas for man-candles:

    Diesel smoke
    Gasoline
    Burnout/Smoking tires
    Morning after college basement party

    Reply

  22. They should just market candles with whatever scent makes ladies underwear come off – lavender? vanilla? cash? – since that’s the only reason straight men tolerate candles.

    Oh and just get lawn service. Work the extra time required to pay for it, it’s a fair trade. 5 guys do my lawn (3 on mowers, 1 each with a weedwacker and a blower) in about 20 minutes and it would take me 2 hours. That’s 2 hours of sweaty butt crack, getting stung and fixing the mower when it breaks. Fuck that, pay someone else to do it. It’s liberating to know that you’ve cut your last grass.

    Reply

    • That would be cedarwood.

      My husband hates yard work too, but he’s stuck with mower maintenance. I’d much rather mow our acre, weed and cut brush than cook and clean any day.

      Reply

  25. A friend of mine showed me a website selling “Mandles” a while back. I seem to recall “buffalo wing” as being one of the scents offered.

    Reply

    • I mean seriously, what heterosexual man would ever light a scented candle? Maybe some men do…I’ve just never met one.

      Reply

      • To just sit around and smell it by himself to cover up his house funk?….not to many I’d guess. But….I almost caught a motel room on fire trying to get laid.

        Reply

    • Actually the two kinda smell similar don’t they? Cordite and that coppery blood like smell?

      I like to light an apple cinnamon candle around Christmas time. What of it?

      Reply

  30. Presenting the newest fragrance for that manly man…..Puke in a Beard”. Yes, Puke in a Beard, the one fragrance that stays with you 24-48 hours and makes you re-live the good times.

    Reply

  31. I can’t imagine a heterosexual man purchasing a scented candle. Candles are for when the power goes out, or you’re doin’ some romancin’. Having said that…

    – Fresh coffee
    – Steaks on the Grill
    – soldering (just a tiny whiff)
    – BG 44K
    – new tires
    – Laphroiag
    .

    Reply

  32. For some reason my computer at work can’t get to the Sur Report. I don’t know what I’ll do at work tomorrow if it still can’t connect to your server.

    Something good about being in Arizona is that we only have to blow the dirt to the other side of the yard with the lawn mower two or three times a year.

    Talk about being hungry, I have to fast for 12 hours for some blood work. I’ll even be awake for four or five of those hours. I don’t know How I’m gonna do it. I can already feel my stomach already trying to digest my spine.

    You want Rowling to poke you. Damn prevert.

    Wow, those Mandles are getting around. Here’s a report on them from Dave’s Cupboard.
    http://davescupboard.blogspot.com/2012/05/sniff-test-man-candles-by-yankee.html

    As far as my favorite scent, I like stuff from the Yankee Candle “Booze and Despair” line, particularly the “Virginia Slim Ashes” and “Greasy Gin.”

    Reply

  33. pineapple cumcake..(just sayin)
    chili starter
    lawn that mows itself ( i bet jeff would light 50 of those)

    and if anyone is keeping track…death #5 happened today.. ive no tears left

    Reply

  35. I’m not sure if this is smells that guys are supposed like, or things guys smell like:

    Smells guys like if they’re the type that likes smells. (I could do without smells so this is all assumption):
    Weed
    Giant Titty Smell
    Barbecue Smoke
    Pot roast
    WD-40
    Gun powder
    Kim Kardashian butt
    Old comic books
    Barber shop
    Solder fumes
    Fresh duct tape
    Butter simmered onion
    Old lumber

    Things that guys smell like:
    Stale urine
    Rotten meat breath
    Decaying Sports Coat
    Old flesh
    Shit
    Renault LeCar
    Crotch and Axe Body Spray
    Old Old Spice
    Headache
    Patton Oswalt
    Metal hands
    Old boner
    Sweat and vinyl
    Truck stop hotdogs

    Reply

    • ice..that was funny as hell! Just wondering, though, what “giant titty smell” would be? I have gia….well fairly big titty’s and never had anyone say anything about a “smell”!

      Reply

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