Over the weekend the older boy took part in a high school district championship swim meet, and it was fairly mind-blowing. I’ve been to many, many meets through the years, but wasn’t prepared for this one. Raucous is the best word to describe it, I think.
We walked in on Friday evening, and the noise was unbelievable. Every seat was taken, and this was no tiny facility. The audience was huge, and it sounded like everyone was entered in a contest to be the first to permanently destroy their voice box via sustained yelling. Some people were holding up signs, there was music blaring over the loudspeakers, and it was hotter than an August scrotum in there.
There was no available seating, so we had to stand way off to the side. At one point some unknown dance song began playing, there was a shriek of recognition, and suddenly half the swimmers started doing some sort of synchronized line dance. I have no idea… It was mostly girls, but there were plenty of guys involved in this spectacle, as well. I’d like the record to show, however, that our boy was not among them. Thank you very much.
Once the actual events kicked off, it seemed like the decibel level actually increased, which I would’ve previously said was impossible. My ears were buzzing from the onslaught, and condensation kept dripping from the ceiling – most likely from the sweat of the crazed audience. Blecch.
We didn’t have competitive swimming at my high school, but I probably would’ve sniffed and sneered at it (as I am wont to do). However, the electricity in that building was more ratcheted-up than at any sporting event I’ve ever attended. And our son put in at least twenty hours of intense practice every week, for many months. It’s serious business, and requires a level of dedication that would’ve eliminated my ass on Thursday of the first week. Possibly Wednesday.
On Saturday night he swam a new personal best time in his strongest event, shaving off more then four full seconds. And that’s a lot… Apparently it was the charged atmosphere that made the difference. He’s only in ninth grade, and is improving at an accelerated clip. He gives it his all, without a single complaint. And he makes me proud.
On Thursday night the swimmers who qualified for districts got together for a pasta dinner, a bunker-buster of carbs, and Toney, the younger Secret, and I went to Five Guys. I ordered my usual: a cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, onions, green peppers (yum), ketchup, and mustard. And the three of us split a large order of fries, which is practically served in a 55-gallon drum.
But there was a mix-up, and they didn’t put green peppers on my burger at all. No, they put jalapenos on there, instead. And these weren’t just normal jalapenos, they were some kind of souped-up pepper that nearly made the top of my head flip open.
My lips were numb, crystal-clear snot started pouring from my nose, and it felt like my sinuses were aflame. But I just took a fry, flicked off the offending items, and continued eating. About an hour later I stopped talking like Dick Clark, and Toney could understand what I was saying: “Damn, that shit is good.” My enjoyment of Five Guys will not be curtailed.
My “book” is now officially submitted to the United States Copyright Office. I filled out the John Holmes-sized questionnaire, paid the fee ($35), and uploaded the file to them. When I received the confirmation email – from the U.S. government – I felt a twinge of panic, like I was poking a hornet’s nest with a stick. But maybe I can finally start calling it a book now, without the quotes? …No, probably not.
Based on the feedback of Surf Reporters, I decided NOT to watch Shutter Island over the weekend. Thanks for your advice on that one. But I did watch The Social Network, and loved it. In fact, I’m thinking about buying a copy of the DVD. I think it’s a movie I might want to watch once a year. And there aren’t too many of those.
Also, the boys and I have been watching the new Chris Elliott series, Eagleheart, on Adult Swim/Cartoon Network. Each episode is only fifteen minutes long, for some reason, but they’re absurd and hilarious. The latest installment, featuring The Death Punch, is making me laugh just thinking about it. Some people can’t stomach Chris Elliott, but I’m a big fan. I’m glad he’s back on TV.
And finally, I’ve got a questionable Question for you guys today, based on a text message I received from metten yesterday. He sent me a note that said something along the lines of, “How many breasts (or pictures/videos of breasts) do you think you’ve seen in your life?”
Yes, these are the kinds of intellectual exercises my friends and I engage in. What of it?
But that’s not really the Question… I’d like to know what personal statistics you’d like to learn, if it was somehow possible. Number of beers consumed? Number of farts since birth? Number of times you’ve wished fiery death on another driver? You know, things along those lines.
So, tell us the categories. And I’ll be back on Tuesday, with something new from Nancy. This one pisses me off a little, because it involves me – kinda sorta. Grrr… I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.
Have a great day, my friends.
Badass drive, man. Hope you recover with some hops and food soon…
It was a bad scene; I abandoned my car a couple of blocks away from here. However, I’m drinking a Yuengling with Andy at my feet, so all is right with the world.
For me, it’s not about the stats I’d like to know. It’s about continuing to develop and refine the analytical skills to calculate new ones I’m curious about in the future.
Sure, I can tell you approximately how many bottles of bourbon I’ve consumed, but sometime I might like to compute my BJR total and correlate with my BOBC (bottles of bourbon consumed) number. Which is higher?
OK, now I’m curious.
“The cure for boredom is curiousity. There is no cure for curiousity.” ……..Dorothy Parker
By the way, my BJG number is zero. Just thought I’d throw that in for the orientation-curious.
At the moment, I’m reading Crazy ’08, about the 1908 baseball season (a terrific book, by the way) and I checked out Honus Wagner’s 1908 numbers. He hit .354, stole 53 bases, and didn’t miss a game.
I’m just imagining years from now when Jeff is semi-famous and rich that we’ll be looking back at his stats…
“…Hey, check this out. Jeff only saw 24 breasts in 1990 and only got lucky three times with men in scoring position…”
“…Sure, it was a bad year for him. But I think he was injured the first half of the year and had to be relieved quite a few times. He came back strong in ’91 with good breast and ass numbers. That’s the sign of a champion. Man, those injuries are hard to overcome.”
OK, just imagining.
I read Crazy ’08. Great book.
I read it too and liked it. Learned a lot about how baseball used to be played (definitely a contact sport!).
Joe T. says
Love Chris Elliot. And for whatever reason, on my drive INTO work, Rt. 81 may have been the worst it’s been all winter long.
It was horrible between 1:30 and 3:00 am, too. Tractor trailers were even traveling at 25 mph, so you know it’s bad. They usually just floor it and let the chips fall where they may.
How many times I’ve had sex and how many times per girl and how long for each
Wisey in Ttown says
Top ten! Cabin Boy is one of my top ten fav’s!
I like Chris Elliot also. However, I like his hot daughter (no idea how that worked out) that’s on SNL a lot more.
I have always been obsessed with how many steps it takes to walk somewhere. For a while, I knew how many average steps it took to walk to school when I was a kid, how many steps to walk to my job when it was close enough to walk, etc. Later I obsessed over the smaller walks…how many steps to take out the garbage, to get the mail. So….I guess I would like to know how many steps I have taken in my life.
Also would like to know how many breaths I have taken, how many heartbeats I have pumped and how many times I have blinked.
I’m beyond help now, keep me in your thoughts.
I count steps too. Sometimes. Like, how many steps does it take to get from my car to my office. Recently, it’s been in the 600 steps range.
Kind of a personal stat, but I’d like to know how many jerk chicken plates I’ve consumed at Eats (a restaurant here in Atlanta). I think the number is north of 1000… even though I only started eating them back in 2000.
Related to that, I’d be interested to know how many cows I’ve consumed in my lifetime. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was more than 10.
And on that note… I’m leaving in 10 minutes for a colonoscopy. Happy Monday, surf reporters!
hot fuzz says
A little “tip” for colonoscopies? ask for the ribbed tip.
Good luck with the scopin’. We used to like Eats when we lived there, too. Good food cheap is a formula that can’t be beat. Well, except for Tortilla’s… but you know what I mean.
Thanks guys, I’m already back in the land of the living. The colonoscopy turned up nothing abnormal, so it looks like I’m good for a while.
I’m now trying to figure out what I want for lunch, since I haven’t eaten anything since dinner on Saturday. Sadly, no beans today, so I can’t have Eats. I’m thinking that pizza is a good option.
Chuck in Belpre says
Ya know, I’m thinking that whole Travis Walton story could have been a scopin’ gone wrong. Maybe.
Shiny Rod says
Green peppers!!! What are you, a health nut? Put some pickles on that sammich man. LMAO
I’d like to know how many books I’ve read. And how much coffee (in gallons) vs. how much beer.
I’m thinking coffee would win, hands down.
Congrats on your son’s time! Although I also sneered at swimmers, it was mostly because I’m afraid of the high dive.
Nurse Ratched says
I’m trying to imagine a certain misanthrope/cynic/mocker among all those Speedos.
Chuck in Belpre says
As to the question…I’d like to know how many bottles of George Dickel, cheap scotch and draft beers I consumed during the 80’s. I could probably buy Bahrain with that money. I don’t want to know how much I have spent on cigs. Enough for a castle in Spain I bet.
Speaking of swimming, recently I have seen Mark Spitz doing commercials. I can’t remember what the product is because I’m distracted by how old he looks. Am I the only one?
Nurse Ratched says
He’s hawking gold.
I don’t care for applying for copyright to much. It’s even worse when applying for a Trademark.
But hey, once you get your formal government copyright your book is recorded in the Liberary of Congress, that’s pretty cool.
Root 66 says
Personal statistics I’d like to know:
-The number of times the average person uses the word “like” per day.
-How much gold/silver/platinum I could have bought had I not wasted my money on fast food.
-How many licks does it really take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
-How much time I really saved at the Self-Checkout.
It once took me about 330 licks on the same spot to break the surface of the tootsie center of a tootsie pop.
Sticking with real-life actual breast encounters, I would just hope it’s an even number. I think I would remember if it was 77 or something like that.
“There must be fifty-seven tits up there”….Steve Martin from “The Jerk”.
WB in OH says
Speaking of your “book”, any idea when it will be available in the Kindle store?
I’d hate to guess at how many breasteses I’ve seen. I do know pictures to in person would have have to be a ratio of at least a hundred to one and probably much higher. Sad? Yes, probably so.
I do not wish to know the amount of money I’ve squandered on alchohol and cigs…you can’t put a price on fun!
WB in OH says
After reading my last comment, it just dawned on me the surgeon who does my liver transplant will not have an issue putting a price on my fun.
The number of times I have spooged alone.
Chuck in Belpre says
I’m glad I wasn’t the first one to bring that up. 😉
What about the volume of “liquid”
WB in OH says
You don’t keep yours in a Mason jar?
Lee Harvey Ramone says
would the individual breast count include only those encountered during some sort of sexual activity, or all bare breasts seen in one’s lifetime?
Back of the envelope estimate brings me up to about 27690 beers consumed so far, and about 64620 cigarettes up until the point when I quit about 9 years ago. I suppose I should make sure my living will is executable…..
Lee Harvey Ramone says
If I ever get pulled for a suspected DUI, I’ll make sure not to tell the officer that “I’ve only had a couple of beers”. I’ll tell the truth, and say “I figure I’ve had about 27690 beers, ociffer”.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Something to ponder (stolen from the Daily Cow):
Life expectancy – 78.5 years or 2,475,576,000 seconds
Words Spoken in Lifetime – 123,205,750
Friendships – 1,700
Baths – 7,163
Dreams – 104,390
Beef and Veal consumed – 4.5 cows per person
Chickens consumed – 1,201 per person
Potatoes consumed – 5130 pounds
Chocolate – 10,354 bars
Baked Beans – 845 cans
Farts – 35,815 liters of wind
Soap – 656 bars
Toothpaste – 276 tubes
Deodorant – 272 cans
Shampoo – 198 bottles
Beer – 10,351 pints
Wine – 1,694 bottles
Vomit produced – 149 liters
Sex – 4,239 times
Holidays – 59 trips
damn thats a lot of chocolate
hot fuzz says
Damn that’s a lot of sex. I better get busy…oh wait, does that include solo work too?
I know some miserable bastards who’ve spoken 123,205,750 words in one conversation. Ever run into these assholes who love the sound of their own voice?
Just yesterday. A question of how’d you flip your U-Haul turned into a thirty minute story.
i always wondered exactly how many cigarettes my neighbor has smoked in her young life, shes only 28 but she chain smokes like u wouldnt believe. everytime i see her shes smoking and if were have a short conversation or chit chatting, she just keeps lighting up one after another. her teeth are so tar stained and have layers of gunk on them. she said she hasnt been to the dentist in forever. what i dont get is that she thinks shes hot shit too. i dont smoke so it makes me sick which is why i keep our chats short. but it really makes me wonder how many ciggs she has smoked so far…
Chuck in Belpre says
Yeh you gotta go at those teef with the Arm and Hammer Advanced White a couple times a day at least.
and a chisel.
omg i know and the other day she comes to me and shows me her teeth and goes hey i started whitening my teeth can u notice? i was like uummm not really maybe it takes a little bit…what i was really thinking was u need to go to the dentist and get all that crap scraped off ur teeth before u try and whiten them.
Those numbers are scary.
I just did a back of an envelope add up on beers, assuming my “normal” weekly consumption, and I’ve drunk 45,500 so far. Give or take. Bloody hell. Which (thanks wikipedia) is just under half the capacity of an 18 wheeler gasoline delivery truck. I think I need a drink…
I don’t know your age. What are the chances of topping off that 18 wheeler before the final buzzer?
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…
One stat I’d love to know is the total amount of money I’ve spent and / or has been spent on me in the last 44 years.
And the wish then is to have it all back in your pocket. (Must be big ass pockets).
And, on an unrelated note, in reading through these comments, I learned Abby Elliott from SNL is Chris Elliott’s daughter. I never ever made the connection. Because, yeah, she’s way hot and Chris is.. less than comely.
I work with a guy who’s the spitting image of Chris Elliot, just a lot more reserved.
I want to know how much fuel I’ve burned for leisure driving activities. (cruising, racing, driving around to see where a road ends up). And, how much tire equivalent mileage has been left behind on the pavement doing the same.
I’ve often thought before about how many beers I’ve consumed since I was 16 (when I started drinking) and since I was an alcoholic for a few years, the number is probably really high. I’d have to say, if I put all the beers into kegs…that would be ALOT of kegs.
Kraft singles eaten since birth – well over 2000. I enjoy kraft singles. I eat them on life. I also enjoy REAL cheese, in which I’ve eaten several blocks of that in my life time as well.
It’s no wonder I packed on the pounds after highschool. Cheese and beer…good at the time, bad over time. Luckily I’ve cut back on both though and I’m down 30…Here I come Florida!
But beer and cheese are two of Nature’s Perfect Foods! It makes me feel better if I drink good beer and eat good cheese.
I would like to know how many times I’ve ever thought, muttered or flat out yelled “You stupid muthafucker!”
I’d also like to know how many teaspoons of sugar I’ve ingested over my lifetime. I still take my coffee with 2 sugars and when I was a kid, I’d add 1/2 sugarbowl to Cheerios.
I wonder how many hours have been spent on the throne? And to get even more technical – how many books and articles have been read while on the can?
Root 66 says
OR…how much time spent on the throne (reading, balancing your checkbook, etc.) vs. actual time it takes to use the terlet!
Chuck, now that you bring it up, there might be a number of “scopin’ gone wrong” incidents that would explain bizarre behavior. Is there any chance Charlie Sheen…
Looks like Charlie will be able to rack up a lot more scopin’ time, now that he’s been fired. Way to go, Charlie. By the way, don’t worry about trying to negotiate that $3 mil per episode anymore. Your shit’s cancelled.
How many times has a telemarketer made my phone ring?
I take it “made my phone ring” isn’t a euphemism.
Right! Despite the semantic similarity, it’s not the same thing as “ring my bell”.
I’ve occasionally wondered how much money I’ve spent in my lifetime on less than satisfactory meals.