My spring hay fever is kicking up, right on cue. At the beginning of the season a lot of people start sneezing and hocking and snotting, but I’m perfectly fine. Then, about two weeks later, after the rest of the world has settled down, I get going.
It’s no fun, but it’ll only last for half a month or so. By late May it’ll be smoove sailing again.
Everybody always asks if I’m taking anything for it, and that’s completely predictable, as well. No, I don’t pop pills because of every tiny change in my life. I see people at work, who are younger than me and seemingly healthy, bust out a goddamn section of Revco racking full of prescription pills on their lunch breaks. And what the hell, man? I don’t even take aspirin. Whatever.
Speaking of aspirin, Toney took our oldest son to the middle school this past weekend, and let him drive her car around the parking lot. He just turned fifteen. The thought of him driving a car freaks me out a little. It feels like he’s still a little kid, even though he’s 6 foot 1.
Toney told me she’d take care of showing him how to drive, because I don’t have the “patience” for it. Ha! I’m deeply offended. Why would you not take advantage of unlimited access to the best driver on the road? And I was born to mentor. Everybody knows this. Of course, I can’t put up with any nonsense… Or people making decisions that differ, even slightly, with my opinions. But still.
I’ll show him how to properly merge onto an interstate highway, for instance. That’s a rare lesson in these parts, I know. People up here, and nowhere else I’ve ever lived, think you’re supposed to drive out to the end of the entrance ramp, stop, and turn on your blinker. Then, when there’s an opening, enter the flow of traffic at five mph. It’s douchetastic!
And I’ll teach him how to never back into a parking space and look like an asshole. Or hang anything off his rearview mirror, or be seduced by bumper stickers, decals, or any novelty adornments, such as stuffed animals with suction-cups on their feet.
And, most importantly, I’ll tell him how it’s best to EXPECT idiocy from your fellow drivers at all times, and consider it a bonus when no mind-bogglingly stupid shit happens.
Heck, I should start a new business, I really should. I could do some good in this world. Smoking Fish Driving School: Making the Roads Safer and Less Infuriating, One Shiny Zitster at a Time.
Have you ever been to a fortune teller, or palm reader, or anything of the sort? My only encounter was with a man at Venice Beach in California many years ago, who told me I’d be starting a second family during my forties. I didn’t care for that “reading,” and kept it to myself. I don’t think I ever told Toney about it, for obvious reasons.
Right now a lot of people I know are going to see a so-called medium, who is supposedly scary-accurate. She charges twenty bucks per sitting, and everybody raves about her. Some folks have encouraged me to give it a shot, but I have little interest. I think it’s almost 100% horseshit, for one thing. Plus, that guy at Venice Beach kinda messed with my head. So, no thank you.
But what about you? Have you sat through a reading by any of these folks? What happened? Did any forks come flying out the kitchen, or anything? Please tell us about it in the comments section below.
And since I was talking about pills, do you take any herbal supplements, or anything of the sort? Don’t tell us about your prescription meds, ‘cause that’s private. But do you take anything from GNC, or whatever? Is it helpful? Sometimes I hear guests on the George Noory radio show who swear by some obscure herb, and I get mildly interested. Until I turn off the radio, anyway.
Also, if you have any good “learning to drive” tales to tell, we’d like to hear those as well.
This is going to be my last update of the week, my friends. I’m going to be turning over my life to the signed books for the next couple of days, and hope to have all of ‘em in the mail by Saturday morning. So, I’ll see you guys again on Sunday or Monday.
Have a great weekend!
Now playing in the bunker
Read Jeff’s new novel, Crossroads Road
Jeff, regarding your Driving Rules reminded me of the movie “Gran Torino”
Lawyer: [reading from Walt’s will] And I’d like to leave my 1972 Gran Torino to…
[the lawyer pauses and looks up at Ashley, who smiles expectantly]
Lawyer: …my friend… Thao Vang Lor. On the condition that you don’t chop-top the roof like one of those beaners, don’t paint any idiotic flames on it like some white trash hillbilly, and don’t put a big, gay spoiler on the rear end like you see on all the other zipperheads’ cars. It just looks like hell. If you can refrain from doing any of that… it’s yours.
Fucking awesome movie. The kind of movies Clint should have been doing all along, rather than that “Bridges of Madison County” crap or “Every Which Way” movies with a monkey as his co-star. Clint was da man, even in all the “Spaghetti Westerns”. Somebody should be advising these people who try to act outside their realm.
On an unrelated note: Anyone else ever wake up daily with an assload of phlegm and coughing? It goes away after a couple of hours, but this shit has sidelined me every morning since January. WebMD (the paranoia website) has given me reason to think I am dying. Anyone else experience this lately? Please help your old angry friend out, if you have. No insurance, so don’t want to go to Doctor Nut-juggler (cause everything is related to my nuts with him). Here’s $120.00, can you please hold my nuts?
I was having that phlegm problem every morning for a while. We changed the AC filters to those fancy-pantsy hepa whatevers (about $30 at home depot) and that helped a whole lot. I still have some, on ocassion, but I used to get up and choke up about a tablespoon of pudding every morning. Not anymore.
I wondered about that, but I change that shit every month. Doesn’t seem to help, even the day AFTER I change it. All seemed to start after I made a trip to the great white north and 10 degree temps. Never had this problem when I lived there, but after sucking in 100 degree heat for years, thought maybe that had something to do with it. Thanks for the suggest tho, J.
I got a humidifier that really helped. I also pour some peroxide inthe water. My house was dryer than sand on crackers, which caused a higer dust level. And I mean, come on, I’d rather plug in a humidifier than be grabbing the frickin’ Pledge every 10 minutes. Suzy Homemaker I’m NOT.
I think Clint directed “Bridges of Madison County”, besides also starring in it.
I could go for a “Dirty Harry” Marathon – but not that cut up. commercial laden crap on AMC.
When I feed my cat I ask her: “Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?”
Garrett - g1g3m says
You might have a touch of Bronchitis. I got it once and didn’t realize it. My body would fight it way down because I was in decent shape back then, but once there, I always did some stupid shit (all night party) to let it come back.
I was at a friend’s house and there was a doctor there. I think I coughed ONCE, and out of nowhere produced a stethoscope and made the diagnosis before i even knew what the hell was going on.
“Bronchitis is inflammation of the main air passages to the lungs. Bronchitis may be short-lived (acute) or chronic, meaning that it lasts a long time and often recurs. “
A small amount mint extract in your bong water will do the trick.
I used to have phlegm like that, but it cleared right up once I started smoking.
Wait, LESS. Smoking LESS.
Yeah, I’m sure the smoking doesn’t help, but just the cold weather I was in at the end of the year was when it all began. Garrett’s diagnosis of chronic bronchitis was my first thought too. I’m hoping it goes away on its own eventually.
Would a vaporizer do the same thing? Got one of those.
SHIT! Mother’s Day Sunday!!!!
I’m a lousy gift giver. Can someone make some suggestions?
Married 6 years, two kids. No real hobbies, doesn’t wear perfume, thinks flowers are a waste.
Mine’s getting chocolate covered strawberries from proflowers.com
Get her a puppy.
hot fuzz says
Mom really loved the strap on anal Intruder I got her years ago… you could try one of those…
Get the model with the beer bong attachment!
tracy in ohio says
My grandpa fixed up a little tractor that he let all the grandkids that were too big for the power wheel. I loved driving it but the steering sucked and I ended flipping it on its side when I didn’t turn early enough to avoid a tree. Never drove it after that. My dad thought I should learn to drive stick first but I almost drove into an oncoming car because I didn’t know how to down shift and steer at the same time.
Grey Goose Vodka
Got nothin else. In the same boat
If you have an assload of phlegm I don’t think webmd will solve your “issue”
WB in OH says
and it’s probably not phlegm…
Ian the Errolite says
Arnica works wonders on bruises. I pick up afew of these doing karate.
I tend to find that whisky is a great way to forget that you have any ailments in the first place. It is also really good for hangovers.
A little hair of the dog never hurt!
Vitamin E pills slit open to release the oil works on scars, too.
And a hell of a lot cheaper than that mederma stuff.
Whisky is nature’s perfect beverage. It’s good for what ails you.
Psychics – no.
Supplements – yes. I eschew meds & doctors as much as possible, but I do take vits & etc. daily.
Learning to drive: my dad taught me to drive in his 1972 Ford Pinto. One rainy day we headed down a red clay dirt road. The road was snot slick and slightly mushy, but I was maintaining control okay… until I hit a stretch of washboards. A coupla fishtails later Daddy felt compelled to reach over and try to take the wheel from me. Pshaw! My death grip would not allow that and we snatched the wheel back and forth a few times. At the same time, I was frantically stomping what turned out to be the gas pedal!
After ricocheting between the edges of the road a few times, we went airborne across a 3 foot wide deep ditch and landed in a fence row on the opposite side. It was one of those 3 strand barbed wire fences with tree saplings growing up in it. The saplings bent over without breaking and held the car about 3 inches off the ground. One wire strand went over the car and one went under it. The middle strand broke. The property owner, after laughing his ass off, pulled us out with his tractor.
During the wild ride, my younger brother was buried in the backseat with boxes of nails, window shutters & assorted construction paraphernalia (my dad was a builder & used that Pinto like a pickup truck). He couldn’t see anything that was happening and ended up curled up in a ball to try to avoid being knocked out.
For some strange reason, thereafter he never would sit in the back seat. He always rode perched on the emergency brake between the two front seats (this was before the days of mandatory seat-belts). To this day, he swears he’s got an imprint of that brake in his tush from all the times I jumped the railroad tracks near the high school (when my dad was NOT in the car, of course)!
I just want to point out something really important:
In the illustration at the top of this update, the man holding the handerchief to his nose has a backwards hand, with the thumb on the wrong side.
Chuck in Belpre says
Oh, good. I thought I was dyslexic.
I’ve not had a personal experience with a pyschic myself, but my husband’s aunt recently did.
A woman she’s never met before approached her on day 4 of a 7-day cruise and asked her if she had a cousin name Louis or Louie or Lou. She remembered that as a child they’d had a close family friend they used to call “Cousin Louie” even though he wasn’t an actual cousin. This woman proceeded to tell her that Cousin Louie wanted her to know that he was in heaven and he was with her mom and dad and they were together and were ok. My aunt about fell over. This woman told her that Cousin Louie had told her that her mom and dad has passed away exactly three years apart. She knew what ailments they’d had, she knew which onw had passed first, and a bunch of other information that no one could possibly have known. The woman told her that she was nervous about approaching her but good ‘ol Uncle Louie wouldn’t leave her alone until she delivered the message.
After that, she never saw the woman on the ship for the rest of the cruise. Freaky.
Wow! That’s cold chill stuff.
I have gone to a “Medium” (but she’s actually quite large), and I believe she lives near Clarks Summit.
Mary Lil is her name, and she was incredibly accurate.
Mary Lil the large medium? Go figure…
Colloidal silver – best thing since peroxide. AWESOME.
Chuck in Belpre says
sorry but no. dangerous with no benefit.
I get all the vitamins I need from beer. I use it to wash down my high blood pressure meds every day and I feel great!
As for the bumper stickers, well I have a few and they hold my car together so I consider them necessary. Besides, I’m convinced that if someone reads that “I’m wicked smaht!” they’ll eventually have no choice but to worship me.
Happy Kentucky Derby day everyone!
I got my mother the perfect gift. A chicken bat. It’s a bat that you use to beat chickens to death. Old man Palmer, up the street, had a huge chicken farm. When he died they got loose. Now they run all over the neighborhood, shitting on people’s mailboxes. As soon as we finished lunch mom went outside with her chicken bat and promptly killed eleven of the sonsabitches.
hot fuzz says
Dibs on the wings!!!
Happy Mother’s Day moms of The WVSR.
For some reason, Mother Lover sounds like an insult.
Miss ya Mom!
Chuck in Belpre says
Speaking of box scores…there have been 2 no-hitters already this season. I thought that shit was supposed to be hard to do.
T. Farty McAppleass says
“It’s mother’s day. Can’t you do something besides laying around all day, jacking off?” – my wife.
So I said, “I’ve got the dry heaves. Give me something to eat so I can puke.” I don’t think she’s cooking anything. Bitch.