I woke up this morning and thought, “Alright! It’s Thursday and I don’t have to go to work! It’s a fresh weekend, full of exciting possibilities… Hell yeah!!”
Then reality dropped back a step or two, and proceeded to kick me square in the onions. How’s your day going?
I wrote a short piece yesterday evening, and posted it at Mockable in the dark of night. I suspect some of you might disagree, but I think it’s kinda funny.
And since I’m self-promoting here, be sure to check out the Sports Figures with Filthy, Filthy Names page. I recently added three or four new athletes to the gallery.
If you have any additional recommendations, please let me know. It’s very important work we do here, and our high level of integrity must be maintained. …Hello?
Also, I have a Google Buzz account, if you’re interested. I tried to be open-minded and an early-adopter, but I’m just not feeling it yet. What do you think of Buzz? Have you used it much?
It feels chaotic to me, and I’m not really a fan of chaotic.
And since we’re on the subject… Through my vast network of liars and backstabbers, I recently got my booger-hooks on a (completely legit, non-bootleg) copy of Microsoft OneNote software.
I was unfamiliar, had never even heard of the thing. But man, I love it. I’m already completely reliant, and have only been using it for a few days.
It’s basically an organizational tool, and allows you to keep your notes and scraps and to-do lists in one central, customizable place. I’m a big-time list-maker, as mentioned, and my lists end up scattered all across the landscape. But now I’ve got the fallout of my mental illness all sorted and color-coded! Pretty cool.
All joking aside, I do like it a great deal. It’s one of the first things I open in the morning, and use it constantly. If I’d paid for the software I’d now say, “Money well-spent.” But I guess I won’t…
Toney and I were in Old Navy over the weekend, and I’m very skeptical of that place. Ya know? Some of their clothes (some of it) looks pretty good in the store, but after the first washing… it all goes to hell.
We were discussing this fact, and together coined a new phrase. It describes what happens to clothes at places like Old Navy after the first washing: shrinkle.
What do you think? Does it have legs? Feel free to work it into your conversations, if you’d like. Maybe we can cause it to take-hold, and eventually be added to the dictionary?
Yes, that will be my legacy, what will be carved on my headstone: Jeff Kay 1962-(whenever I croak) Came up with shrinkle.
And another thing… Why is blue underwear always the saggiest? Have you noticed this? The other colors do what’s asked of them, but blue kinda lies down on the job.
Or is this just all in my head?
I was listening to Clive Bull last night at work, and he was talking about a British couple who won 56 million pounds in the Euromillions lottery, or somesuch.
Here’s a story about it.
Many of the callers were infuriating me, by saying it was “too much” money, and that nobody “needs” so much, and stuff like that. Hey, it’s a lottery, ya commies! That’s the point of it: the extremely slim chance of winning outrageous amounts of cash.
Then, of course, they wanted to insist that the winners do this and that with the money — all manner of feel-good stuff — and I very nearly turned it off.
But after the crybabies died-down, Clive started asking the basic question, and it got kind of interesting: What would you do if you won 56 million pounds (or $88 million)? How would you spend it? Or would you?
And I’m going to make that the Question of the Day: How would you proceed if you hit the lottery jackpot? Would you be one of those liars who say they’ll continue working? Would you buy expensive cars and boats, and stuff like that? Would you move somewhere new?
Tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, with more of this questionable material. Oh my god…
Have a great day, my friends.
To those who hate Firsters, I say Eff-U!!!!
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yo Mama!
yea #2!!!
4?
Me? I’d buy a nice secluded island somewhere with all the amenities, running water, electric, a nice pool, with a cabana boy of course, my dog and plenty of alcohol. No cell phones, and no stupid people (that means xhusband).
I’ve answered this question – on the surf report believe it or not!
http://thewvsr.com/metten10.htm
Everyone that see’s that snow pic on Further Evidence claims it’s a fake.
If I won the lottery I would build a decent house in the middle of about 200 acres or so and watch the world burn down.
If I won $88 million, I would buy a $2M house, invest the rest in safe investments, and live off the interest for the rest of my life. For the sake of argument let’s say I had to pay 35% of it in taxes right off the bat. That would leave about $52M. $2M goes to my house, so I invest $50M. We’ll be very conservative and say I earn 2.5% per year in my safe investments — that comes to an annual payout of $1,250,000. I’d say I could live quite nicely off of that each year for the rest of my life. Of course, I would not work. I would do a lot of traveling, and reading, and patronizing “the arts,” and eating at fine restaurants, and drinking the finest booze. In other words, I would enjoy life.
And by the way, if I won it in a state that allows you to collect it anonymously, I would do so, and wouldn’t tell anyone that I won it. I’d probably tell my closest relatives that I had come into a nice sum of money and therefore no longer need to work. But I wouldn’t tell even them exactly how much I’d won. That way I’d avoid all the sycophants and scam artists that come out of the woodwork whenever anyone wins as little as $1M. And if I won it in a state that doesn’t allow anonymity when collecting, I think there are ways around that — you set up a trust, and the trust’s lawyer turns in the winning ticket on behalf of the trust, and the trust collects the winnings. You’d have to enter into a confidentiality agreement with the attorney, so he wouldn’t reveal who is behind the trust, but I think that would work.
You may have noticed I’ve already given this a lot of thought.
I’m with Chuck, well on my own 200 acres.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….
One of two things if I ever had the great fortune to win a great fortune.
Buy a house on a nice golf course and play every single day. 18 holes in the morning, come home, eat lunch, take a snooze, then 18 holes in the afternoon.
-or-
Move out to Vegas and play poker. I think with millions backing me up I wouldn’t be too concerned with buying in for a couple of thousand at a no limit Hold ‘Em table. Would also definitely buy in for $15,000 every year at the World Series of Poker Main Event. Hell, even if you place in the top 100 finishers, that’s worth at least a hundred grand.
When ever I hear the “what would you do with a million dollars” question, I always think of the scene in Office Space:
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That’s it? If you had a million dollars, you’d do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; ’cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that’d double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax… I would sit on my ass all day… I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he’s broke, don’t do shit.
… ‘Cause I don’t want to end up like this guy:
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hnC6UTdLXhu_YqYms8HQCvuRFJ_gD9DS4A0G0
The female partner in that lottery story has a great filthy name. Wonder if she’s some kind of athlete?
I would stay on working so that I could be the biggest pain in the ass… Just to see how much of my crap they can take before firing me.
I’d spend it on wine,women,and song.the rest would be spent foolishly.
Damn, the first thing I’d do is invite my mortgage company to suck it twice. Then I would move somewhere secluded and invite a bunch of other people to suck it. Shortly after that I would give a bunch away to people I like and/or feel familial obligations to, and finally, I would come back here and click on the “buy Jeff a beer” link a couple two tree hunnert times.
After I was done buying all manner of useless shiny things for myself, I think I’d pay for a camera crew to follow around Eninen & Translucents and bring me all the footage, so I could stay current on the insanity in between updates (hint, hint).
Nobody would hear from me, my husband and cat again.
I WOULD like to waltz into the office that last day and tell a lot of people what I *really* thought of them!
I would live it up like good ol’ Abe Shakespeare, and end up buried under a slab of concrete. Now that’s some classic Sunshine State living there for ya!
FIrst, I have an announcement-
After two and half years (one year full time) of pre-requisties and coursework I graduated with my Bachelors of Nursing in December. I took my board exam on Monday and have official word that I have passed.
I am now a fully licensed registered nurse.
I am applying for jobs and hope to also secure a spot on the WVSR medical staff.
Thank you for your attention.
Now on to today’s topics.
Clearly Sawami has thought this through and I think he’s right on.
I know a guy who won $29M when we were 19. He is still doing well, hasn’t blown it or had it wreck his life. But he has no imagination.
He bought a house in a nearby middle-middle class suburb and a couple of nice cars. He goes to Vegas every now and then, but that’s about it. I am not sure he even has a passport.
I saw him about 3 years after he won and he was thinking about buying a watch with his next check. One of my friends still see’s him and hangs out with him. When they get together for poker he makes everyone chip in for pizza.
The worst part is that he’s still never had a girlfriend. He trys, but even with millions he has no game. Sad.
Now, if it was me with $88M…
I’d buy a couple of houses in area’s that I like- here in Michigan, maybe Colorado, Honduras, Fiji…
Then I’d buy a large, ocean going pleasure yacht and turn it into a live aboard dive operation. I’d hire a captain, mate, chef and dive master and start running really expensive dive vacations (hopefully around Cuba when it opens up- I smell money to be made there).
I would keep an eye on the business to make sure it stayed profitable and once in a while wither book ot for myself or just jump on board and do my own divemastering.
I’d also place my order for a P-51D Mustang and start learning to fly. I’d spend summers flying around to Airshows with a group like the Yankee Air Force, flying “escort” for thier B-17. How freaking cool would I be?
Of course college would be paid for for some of the relatives, and The Peanut would attend the best schools I could bribe her way into. Does Andover or Eaton take girls? And then she’d attend a prestigous, outrageously expensive college as well.
Finally I’d have a personal chef and a trainer to get me into shape. That should take about 6-8 months of real work, then I could just keep them on a contingent basis.
I would buy my wife whatever she wanted; mansion, island, plane, anything. I would pay off my parent’s house and my brother’s house. I’d buy a car each for my daughters and keep them in storage until they’re old enough to drive. I’d quit my job and go to culinary school, just for the hell of it. I’d buy every car that I’ve ever lusted after, like a ’64 Jag E-type convertible, a ’68 GT500KR, an ’87 BMW M6 and the list just keeps going. I would prove that money can make you happy.
Wow, I modified my handle, nothing else, and it went to moderation. Weird. Well, you’ll all see it once Jeff clears it.
1) I’d cut off my phone and get a new one with a restricted number to avoid all the unsolicited calls from people with helpful suggestions on how to spend the money.
2) Pay off all personal debt.
3) Anonymously help out a few friends and family members by paying off mortgages and loans.
4) Buy a new house.
5) Invest the rest in safe investments and real estate. I choose real estate since I’m currently in the business and have some knowledge on how manage rental properties. This serves both as an investment and a business venture to keep me occupied.
6) Live off the investment interest.
7) Any charity work I do with the money will be done through the interest, not the principle funds themselves.
There are too many cautionary tales out there about people receiving huge payouts and then ending up broke and homeless in 5 years. While this type of money changes your options, it can go quickly if you change your lifestyle too or manage it properly.
Metten, do not look at the picture!
The mockable isn’t kind of funny….it’s hilarious! Great job.
Lottery winnings would go towards travel, homes, golf courses, homes on golf courses, traveling to my homes on golf courses, and getting 2 really good seats at Yankee Stadium.
I think I’d build a dwelling out of pure cocaine and then crash an expensive sports car into it while being sucked off by a high dollar hooker. Or maybe I’d buy a jet boat and crash it into Hawaii. Or maybe I’d buy an RV and drive it to Idaho and shoot my brain out in front of a church crowd.
Wow! That’s a loaded question. If I answer it one way, I may upset some of my best friends. If I answer it another way, I will upset another group of friends. So, when I win, just look for the angry group of friends and you will know my answer.
dammit – I was still on yesterday’s comments, chattin’ it up about my fear of bats. doh!
my lottery winnings would be split between a) hiding some away for my son’s future before it was pissed away, b) paying off debts, ours, families & some selected friends, c) set up foundation for charities to satisfy kharma, d) refurbish our house and seal it off from the wicked bats, and e) travel.
I’ve always loved vintage cars & trucks – I’d indulge in a few of those, too, I think. My Dad rebuilt a ’66 mustang for me when I was 17. and he had a ’56 Ford pickup that I loved and a old boxy Ford Bronco (can’t remember the year). The center of gravity made it top-heavy, I nearly rolled it a few times, but I’d probably try to find one of those, too. I’m nostalgic like that.
Jason- Dude you have issues galore!!! LOL
First I would give 10% to my church because I believe in that.
After that I would do whatever the heck I wanted. Seeing to it that my wonderful father had everything he needed and my daughter too. everyone else could kiss my big white ass.
1. Change my number, or better yet, cancel my numbers… all of them.
2. Quit my job.
3. Buy a house somewhere warm.
4. Build a giant wall around said house.
5. Buy several doberman pinchers to ward off the riffraff.
6. Travel a little… or a lot.
If I won $88 mill I would immediately quit my job. I would also insist that my family (in-laws, parents, brother) quit their jobs. I have always been pretty modest, so I don’t need 55 bedrooms or anything. In fact, I just got a house that I think is small but cute, so I would touch it up to my liking and continue living there. I would fix my parents’ house up nice (because they like it) & would make sure they never have to work on it again. Same with my brother, who lives in Pittsburgh (we’re in CA). I’d give my parents $5 million, my brother $2 million & I’d give my parental in-laws about $5 million too. The sibling in-laws will get a bit, but maybe not $2 million a piece. There’s 3 of them!
I’d make sure my boss and two coworkers who I totally dig are set up to retire. I’d keep my car, cuz I like it but I might splurge on something fancier for my other half.
I wouldn’t buy houses in the US but I sure would snap up property around the globe. House in Italy? Sure! Chateu in France? Why not? Casa in Barcelona? Ok! Yep, traveling would be the way I’d go in spending my cash. That and lots and lots of fine wine, great food & fun memories.
“Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t fucking have any.” – Boiler Room
Great, now I feel poor. Thanks, Jeff! Back down to reality I go….
Buy a big-ass boat and float around the world. Oh, and two chicks at the same time. But for free this time…
Remember the song “Take This Job and Shove It”?? I’d be singing it all the way to the bank. Then….
…a couple of vacation home’s scattered throughout the sunny spots of the world; more toy’s…bikes (Harley’s), speed boat, a few custome vintage muscle cars…Super Bee, Chevelle, Convertable Mustang, Challenger…..you know…big boy TOYS. Oh! Gotta have a old Ford Pick-up with the big ass tires and lift kit. So, I’m a redneck…what of it?
Once our selfishness was out of the way…spread the wealth to a deserved few. Gotta have someone to play with, right?
Quit my job, of course. Pay off my student loans and other debts. Buy homes in San Francisco, New York, London, and Tokyo. And if there’s anything left after that, spend 80-90% of my time traveling around the rest of the world.
oh, and that picture at the top of the page belongs on the “phobias” update. can’t even bear to look at it…
I would buy a Unimog. And a German mechanic to keep it running after I did ridiculous things to/with it.
First, I would quit my four (yes, FOUR) part-time jobs.
Then, I would pay all of debt off.
Give some money away to friends and family.
Buy a beautiful (not huge) home, and hire full time maids.
Travel to places I have always wanted to go to, but cannot afford (Ireland, Turks and Caicos, Hawai’i, Scotland).
Hire a full time masseuse.
Finally enjoy a life where I don’t live paycheck to paycheck and worry constantly about paying bills…
And those people that say winning millions makes your life “harder”…? Let ME be the judge of that, please…thank you.
I’d keep 10% of what I won and live off the interest on that amount. Even earning no interest – with just a million dollars, and budgeting $5,000 a month to live on, it would last us for more than 15 years. We don’t even bring home that much in a month anyway.
Then I’d just get rid of the rest in various ways. Honestly, if I bought everything imaginable that I have ever really truly wanted ($5,000 camera lenses and shit like that), I’d probably only spend a million or two, and I just wouldn’t want the rest of that money. So I’d be paying off debts for my friends/family, donating to charity, and just generally trying to make people’s lives better in some way.
I would keep my job, at least for a while. I’d use the oppertunity to say exactly what comes to mind to certain people without concerning myself where the next pay will come from. Generally do as I please (I like my work, some of the people need a reality check).
Next, I’d be looking at property well outside city limits for my compound.
Invest the rest and become the crazy guy with lots of firearms and old cars.
OneNote Tip: If you work off of multiple computers (I find 3 different one on some days) download and install the free version of dropbox (http://bit.ly/12eA19), save your notebooks inside of your dropbox folder, and you’ll have access to your notebooks synced across all the machines.
I would like to buy a biggest traveling bus/RV (no box of bed) = a real gas guzzler. Then I would pack up my kids and pets and see America. I would have also purchased a really cool compound somewhere to use as a base of operations. After wearing out the bus, I’d head over to Europe to check it out too. Needless to say my job would be history. Then I’d retire to the compound a run some type of animal rescue facility.
Really, I’d get totally bored not working, even with all sorts of things money could do. I hate leasure travel, and I don’t need a car that does more than 65. No, I’d maintain that it wasn’t me and go one with life in general. All except for the times when I secretly used the money to totally fuck with stuff. Like I’d buy a priceless lambo, then spray paint it hot pint and put snow tires and fuzzy dice on it. I take it grocery shopping and bang the loaded cart behind the door. I think I’d buy some house a snoody “gated community”, then donate it to the local frat. All of this while maintaining a “wudn’t me” attitude.
Oh yeah, I’d also get lasik surgery and lipo….
I would never wear the same pair of socks twice
65 Sam? Do me a favor and stay in the right lane. I have places to be.
I used to think that I would go to Haiti and build a school or something to help all of the little orphan children, but now everyone seems to be on that bandwagon, so I guess I would just get cable TV.
And I have a list of people to whom I would annually give money. I would give each person on the list 12K because I think that is the current amount that can be gifted without tax ramifications.
Oooooh, and after reviewing the comments, I am surprised to see that TILLY isn’t on my 12K a year list. Huh.
Best friend my eye.
i would buy my place of employment, then party
Pay off debt, buy a house in marietta, oh, cincinnati, st. louis, and possibly cleveland (nothing outrageous, just places to hang my hat when I’m in town). Pay off my parent’s debt, possibly my brother’s and best friends. Set up a college fund for my nephews.
Buy a house on caye caulker in belize and probably put the rest in a mix of investments and start paying myself a salary.
oh yeah, I’d buy the gummy venus de milo
Of course, getting totally out of debt would be first, buy a nice house and car (a silver rolls royce), help out some family members, put a little bit away for the future….after that, I’d like to hire a movie production company and have a couple of movies made, about some ideas I have.. If they flopped, oh well. OR I’d set up a business where people would pay for the opportunity to go on an actual date with thier favorite celebrity; movie star, actor, musician, sports figure. I think that would be a real popular business. But I would invest most of it in to a business or two and generate even more money, rather then just spend, spend, spend!
Of course, the idea of just sticking most of it in the bank and living off the interest is an appealing idea, too. I’d be tempted to dress like a bum and not let people know I had money, but I’d do some good deeds with it, too.