I woke up this morning and thought, “Alright! It’s Thursday and I don’t have to go to work! It’s a fresh weekend, full of exciting possibilities… Hell yeah!!”
Then reality dropped back a step or two, and proceeded to kick me square in the onions. How’s your day going?
I wrote a short piece yesterday evening, and posted it at Mockable in the dark of night. I suspect some of you might disagree, but I think it’s kinda funny.
And since I’m self-promoting here, be sure to check out the Sports Figures with Filthy, Filthy Names page. I recently added three or four new athletes to the gallery.
If you have any additional recommendations, please let me know. It’s very important work we do here, and our high level of integrity must be maintained. …Hello?
Also, I have a Google Buzz account, if you’re interested. I tried to be open-minded and an early-adopter, but I’m just not feeling it yet. What do you think of Buzz? Have you used it much?
It feels chaotic to me, and I’m not really a fan of chaotic.
And since we’re on the subject… Through my vast network of liars and backstabbers, I recently got my booger-hooks on a (completely legit, non-bootleg) copy of Microsoft OneNote software.
I was unfamiliar, had never even heard of the thing. But man, I love it. I’m already completely reliant, and have only been using it for a few days.
It’s basically an organizational tool, and allows you to keep your notes and scraps and to-do lists in one central, customizable place. I’m a big-time list-maker, as mentioned, and my lists end up scattered all across the landscape. But now I’ve got the fallout of my mental illness all sorted and color-coded! Pretty cool.
All joking aside, I do like it a great deal. It’s one of the first things I open in the morning, and use it constantly. If I’d paid for the software I’d now say, “Money well-spent.” But I guess I won’t…
Toney and I were in Old Navy over the weekend, and I’m very skeptical of that place. Ya know? Some of their clothes (some of it) looks pretty good in the store, but after the first washing… it all goes to hell.
We were discussing this fact, and together coined a new phrase. It describes what happens to clothes at places like Old Navy after the first washing: shrinkle.
What do you think? Does it have legs? Feel free to work it into your conversations, if you’d like. Maybe we can cause it to take-hold, and eventually be added to the dictionary?
Yes, that will be my legacy, what will be carved on my headstone: Jeff Kay 1962-(whenever I croak) Came up with shrinkle.
And another thing… Why is blue underwear always the saggiest? Have you noticed this? The other colors do what’s asked of them, but blue kinda lies down on the job.
Or is this just all in my head?
I was listening to Clive Bull last night at work, and he was talking about a British couple who won 56 million pounds in the Euromillions lottery, or somesuch.
Here’s a story about it.
Many of the callers were infuriating me, by saying it was “too much” money, and that nobody “needs” so much, and stuff like that. Hey, it’s a lottery, ya commies! That’s the point of it: the extremely slim chance of winning outrageous amounts of cash.
Then, of course, they wanted to insist that the winners do this and that with the money — all manner of feel-good stuff — and I very nearly turned it off.
But after the crybabies died-down, Clive started asking the basic question, and it got kind of interesting: What would you do if you won 56 million pounds (or $88 million)? How would you spend it? Or would you?
And I’m going to make that the Question of the Day: How would you proceed if you hit the lottery jackpot? Would you be one of those liars who say they’ll continue working? Would you buy expensive cars and boats, and stuff like that? Would you move somewhere new?
Tell us about it in the comments.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, with more of this questionable material. Oh my god…
Have a great day, my friends.
I’d bet my brother mortimer a dollar that I could make Eddie Murphy do good movies again. He’d bet me that he could make Dan Akroyd make good movies again.
hot fuzz says
I’d get a car wash but this time splurge on hot wax for a change.
One thing I wouldn’t do is give a shit about the things or people that aren’t worth it.
And I’d do something so hugely nice with the money it would inspire people to do their own “nice” things and set off a chain of events that literally changes the world for the better. The type of thing that grown men can’t talk about with choking up but can be discussed by no more than a nod… the type of thing that makes moms reach for their kids just to god damned hug them because they can and they hadn’t in the last five minutes in a new improved world. I’d do it anonymously but I’d do it big. But, I’d know that I made a difference.
I’d purchase some congressmen to pass a bill and get people who type “FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, “yea #2!!!” and “4?” deported to Haiti and banned from internet usage for life.
I am just curious as to what limitation of the imagination causes men, newly endowed with $88M, to restrict their trysts to two women.
Rat Bastard says
If I hit the lottery, I’d take care of 2 or 3 close friends who have stood by me through thick and thin; they could use the help. Then…
I’d buy a shit-ton of land in the mountains of Fayette County, PA and build myself (by hand, no pre-fab shit) a nice log cabin with a fireplace and a few outbuildings.
I’d grow vegetables in the summer and can them for the winter, and I’d have a nice compact 4X4 pickup, rototiller, utility quad and a small aluminum fishing boat with a trailer to haul it to the river. Probably a vintage dirtbike or two as well as a late 70s BMW with a sidecar. A mid-70s Gibson SG custom with a Marshall Plexi or two with a couple Greenback Cabs…throw in converted child-killer refrigerator that’s setup for draft beer and that would all make the short list. That, and a few more rifles, pistols, reloading station and about 40,000 rounds of 7.62×39 and I don’t think I’d ask for much more.
I don’t think that would take $88 million, but I’d still need some pocket money for the vacations to visit friends in England and Germany, as well as the trips I still like to take in the states (New Orleans, NYC, Cali/Nevada Desert Country). Still way under the $88 million mark. I’d probably invest the rest in my little brother’s name ’cause I’d be dead in a few years anyway.
For the time being though, I’m in Pittsburgh — drinking Old Milwaukee. Thanks for the reality check, Jeff.
Rat Bastard says
…and I would quit my job the day it happened. Never liked the idea of enjoying work but I bust my ass when I am at work; I only do it to survive.
All I would want is a 1969 GTO Judge and a lot of open road…and fuck the speeding tickets!
Initially, I’d probably masturbate profusely.
Then, I’d have to agree with Rat Bastard. Except, I’d buy the land in Pocahontas County, WV and invite some friends along. No commune or militia stuff, just think it would be the way to go. Of course, I’d have a house in Ponza, Italy and a few other places. Travel some. Maybe buy an island for vacation purposes.
I would probably do some pro bono work just to keep it interesting. There would definitely be no chance of keeping the present job. I would give the requisite notice though. Karma and shit. Probably wouldn’t help because the extracurricular activities would get me eventually.
On a side note, anyone know how to fix a fucked ipod? Its killing me. I’m in a catch 22 with it. Can’t reset it because its out of juice, cant charge it because it needs reset and the hard drive is a clicking away and trying to turn on instead of charging. I had a hammer out earlier, but didn’t go through with it. I will though, I will.
Great Googly Moogly says
If I won the lottery I’d spend it all on wine and hookers.
Good Morning Surf Reporters……………
If I had a job I’d quit it. I’d sit at home and stay drunk and write dick jokes all day.
“Two dicks walk into a karaoke joke…one dick says…”Can you sing?”…other dick says…”No but I can whistle.”
I’m getting lots of practice wating for my 88mill to show up.
I would walk into work, tender notice “effective immediately”, and walk out. If they insisted on knowing “why”, I would either tell them that “I have decided to do something else with my life” or “I’m making changes, starting with YOU”.
I’d pay off all debt, purchase much land for farming, etc…and build at least 4-6 houses on the property. One for my dad, my sister, my in-laws, and all of my bonus (not “step”) siblings. The property would likely be in the southeast.
I’d set up a large savings account for my niece, as she has extensive (and expensive) health issues. This would include setting up a foundation to research the illness (she’s not supposed to live past age 10).
I would also spend copious amounts on muscle cars, just because I LIKE them. Oh, and I’d also pay off debt for friends and purchase Tahiti.
White Trash Barbie says
mountie9wv – My two brothers and I got iPods at the same time, and they all crapped out at the same time. They threw their’s out, but I went online and repeatedly googled search terms related to iPods and fixing their problems. I finally stumbled across something that fixed it. The problem we were having sounds similar to the problem you are having, so by my estimate you have a one in three chance of fixing it if you just keep messing around with it.
Son Of Sam says
I’d buy a liver on the black market and keep it on ice.
Then I’d party this one into submission.
Cross Lanes Curmudgeon says
I’d immediately cannonball off the wagon and chop a line of cocaine from Cross Lanes to Dunbar. Oh, and keep my job, of course.
I would quit my job, not that I don’t like it, but there’s some other sap out there who could use the employment opportunity.
Pay off everything.
Build a mansion out in the boonies, with the batcave under it.
Train my son in all of the martial arts and trick him out to be a real life batman or ironman or some such masked vigilante, and we’d spend our nights offing bad guys.
My wife and daughter would be oblivious to these goings on because they’d be too busy shopping!!!
Swami Bologna says
tomH: Just wait for that day when you click over to theWVSR and scroll down and find that there are “0 Responses” to that day’s update — I guarantee you’re gonna have an insatiable desire to jump right into the comments section and write “FIRST, Mutha-Fuckas!!!!!!” The only reason you look down on us Firsters is ’cause you haven’t yet experienced the joy and excitement of posting that first comment of the day, and gloating about it. Mark my words, my friend. (And if I ever see that you were the first to post someday, and all you write is an answer to Jeff’s question of the day, with no mention that you are indeed “FIRST!!!!”, then I will be the first to bow down and praise your maturity and restraint. But until that day comes, I’ll just consider you another wannabe Firster suffering from sour grapes syndrome.)
Chuck in Belpre says
Sure would like to have a Smokin Fish coffee mug. Can you say ‘Cafepress’? I knew you could.
Swami: I was first here once. And despite your “resistance is futile” theory, I did resist proclaiming my firstly-ness. You may commence with the bowing and slavish praise of my maturity levels now. 😉
For any Massive Attack fans out there, I’d like to report that their new album is pretty awesome.
WB in OH says
Swami-I have to concur with you. When I first started coming here I thought all the first stuff was kind of stupid, I mean that level of sophmoric behavior just didn’t seem to fit with the topics we discuss and the important issues we try to tackle on a semi-daily basis. Then low and behold one day I opened my link to the Surf Report and saw that there were no comments. My mind raced, should I? Could I? I must! So being a bit shy I put in a !? and the rest is history. If you want to feel like you’re back in grade school, racing your friends across the blacktop playground in a footrace to impress the girls, by all means if you get the opportunity let out a big ol’ FIRST!!!
Gretchen-I admire your self control!
Back to the topic-after I got bored with being isolated I would go out and buy a Hawker 800XP and hire my brother to fly me around to all the craft breweries here in the states. Then all the wineries.
I’m surprised no one has mentioned Buzz on here after Jeff’s question. There actually was no choice about being an early adapter or not for most gmail users. Recently Google put every gmail user onto Buzz, just like that, whether they wanted to be on or not. Here’s the story here:
Luckily I signed up to gmail using a fake name as I was just using the service for Craigslist transactions. The whole thing sets a disturbing precedent. I’ll be watching the outcome of this closely, because if Google comes out on top, then I expect more companies to follow suit with similar actions.
$88 mil? Wine, women and song, to the nth degree!
I live in Canada, eh, we don’t pay tax on lottery winnings. I would follow the Swami investment plan with $60M, divide $20M among my family and close friends, donate a few mil to local children’s charities and schools. Take $5M to buy and furnish a house, a nice yacht, a Ferrari, to rebuild my race team and to start my Mustang collection (I want one of every year.) The key, of course, is to ensure that the annual costs of maintaining the toys and lifestyle are less than the investment income. After the initial drunken orgies, I would divide my time between racing, travelling and drunken orgies.
google caught alot of flack for forcing everyone into Buzz…thankfully you can now turn it off at the bottom of your gmail. It’s only a matter of time before we’re picking up a can of peas at the Google-mart and filling our cars with googlegas…
on to the lottery…
1) I wouldnt tell a soul. I’d cancel my phone, email, etc
2) I’d buy a nice winery and house in france
4) after a year or so, send a bottle of said wine to shitty people i know.
5) send a bottle of said wine to good people i know with my contact info on the label.
Fat Secretary says
I would sit around and play spider solitaire and wait for WVSR reports, Mockable postings, and Trisha aka Mrs Wally blog posts…Oh wait, I already do that.
FIRST I would pay off my mortgage and tell BOA that they can go FUCK THEMSELVES in such a way that I may be borderline arrested. I would set up all my immediate family members and a few select friends. Then I would buy vast amounts of property far away from anyone that could complain or care and set up a humane animal shelter-and live out my days being the crazy cat/dog lady. Bliss.
The Qweezy Mark says
I would seek to only do bad things to good people…..kinda like now.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters….
Craigslist transactions?? But hey, I’m not one to judge. Nothing wrong with occasional casual encounter.
I kid, I kid…..
JCIII: 😀 I guess that does sound dirty. Ironically enough, we’re meeting up with some dude tonight to buy a quick flash….a flash for a camera, what were YOU thinking??!!
PAmike: At the bottom of gmail it says “Turn off Buzz”. I assumed that was the opt out feature they were forced to add, but for all I know it just means I just can’t see what they’re doing. And ergo it does not exist, right?
X’s, like Jeff. O’s, counterclockwise. Haven’t fallen for while, but the last coupla times, it was either getting into or out of a car, with lots of ice involved. There might have been a few refreshing cocktail beverages involved, too. I always thought that the two-circle eights were military. On that note, does anyone cross their sevens, or slash their zeros? The WV legislature is considering an additional 3 cent tax on a beer. Yea, we need that!
I’d buy a helicopter. I would never had to drive from RI to WV again. I would not quit my job since I LOVE my job. After the helicopter, I’d have to really think about the rest of the money – but definitely the helicopter.
If I were to win an insane amount of cash, I’d build a compound. Not a “Kennedy Compound”, but an “Uncle Randy Compound” like Ruby Ridge. I’d probably break ground in Hinton, WV.