A few nights ago Clive Bull was talking about the driver’s test, the one you take when you’re sixteen or whatever, and asking people to call in with stories on the subject.
I can’t really recall anything unusual happening with me. I know I passed the written part with no problem, but had to take the actual driving test twice. The first time I was a little “shaky,” they said.
And I recall my parents taking me out in their cars, teaching me how to drive (or in my mother’s case, hollering “Oh, my god!” and repeatedly grabbing the dashboard). I remember almost hitting a parked car on Virginia Avenue in Dunbar, and desperately whipping the wheel to the left at the last possible second. Heh.
But I don’t recall too many big-time dramatics during the run-up to my driver’s test. It just seems like I was riding a bike one day, and tooling around town in a Nova the next. There wasn’t any sitcom-like transition, or anything. At least I can’t remember one.
What about you? Do you remember the actual test, or tests? Did anything unusual happen? Who taught you how to drive? Any problems? Like fires, or decapitations, or the like? Tell us about it, won’t you?
Why do fast food restaurants put the general manager’s name on the door? Are we supposed to be impressed by this?
Am I supposed to say, “Honey, look! It’s a Carl Culver Wendy’s! Oh my god, I’ve been following Culver for years! Even back when he was paying his dues inside the Hardee’s operation, during the late ‘80s, everyone knew he was going to be a star. I saw him speak once, at Burger and Chicken Con, and I’m telling you… there was electricity in the air. I can’t believe we’re about to sit down and have a meal in… I’m sorry I’m getting emotional… a Carl Culver Wendy’s!”
Or am I way off on it?
Over the past weekend Toney and I took Andy (Snoop Manny Mann) for a walk, and when we were almost home we passed one of Toney’s many, many acquaintances. She was out walking her hound, as well, and we stopped to chitchat.
And I didn’t stick around very long, because this is how it started:
Toney: I haven’t seen you around much lately?
Her: Oh, I had a COMPLETE HYSTERECTOMY, and it’s FANTASTIC! Highly recommended. I mean, it’s all gone — everything!
Me: Um, I think I’m going to take Andy home, so he can get a drink of water…
Her (ignoring me): Woo-hoo! No more periods for me!!
Good god! I barely know the woman… but I know her a little better now. Shit.
A few days ago I was reading about the Farrelly brothers at IMDB dotcom, and happened upon this highly confusing page. Apparently they’re going to attempt to recreate the 3 Stooges? This isn’t a biographical film, or anything like that, right? This is a new trio of Stooges, doing what the Stooges do.
And check out who’s playing Larry: Sean Penn!? Wha’? My brain can’t even process this information. Sean Penn?
Sure, he was funny as Jeff Spicoli, but that was thirty years ago. Since then, the man has had a stick jammed so far up his ass, he’s like a human corndog of insufferability.
You’ll notice that nobody’s yet been chosen to play Curly, and I’m hoping we can help the brothers cast this part. Taking into consideration the improbable choice of “Mr. Fun” to play Larry, who do you think should play Curly? Who is the most unlikely actor, or celebrity, to play that part?
I’m going with Tom Waits. What do you have on this one? Use the comments link to list your nominations, as well as your “learning to drive” tales.
And before I call it a day here, I want to introduce you to a new Surf Report sponsor, and hope you’ll welcome them by visiting their site, and checking out their products. The website is called Flying Puppets, and it’s all about “very light radio-controlled model building.” I spent some time there this morning, and I think some of you guys are really going to dig it.
Their ad is appearing in the sidebar, and I wish them much luck. Again, it’s FlyingPuppets. Check it out. It’s very cool!
And I’ll be back on Saturday or Sunday, probably Sunday.
Have a good one, my friends!
hot fuzz says
WB – I’m sorry to say the website works now… you know it’s possible Mrs Funnel Pants was wearing “normal” this morning and they turned in to what we see there through normal fabric memory or simply elastic responsive constriction. Wait a minute…. she looks familiar….Mom??
Jeff’s out until Sunday????
Looks like the inmates are going to be guarding the hen house. Or somesuch.
Where’s Buck with a new topic when we need him?
It’s so true what they say. You can’t use a pig ear to break a camel’s back. You can’t kill two bush-birds with a straw. Let us all learn from this wisdom.
Gretchen, your humor ruffles my skirt, but vaudeville is hard. I don’t remember claiming that Sean Penn was immortal. I just claimed he’s a fine actor. Not that I think this movie is worth this much discourse, but, for the record, Sean Penn is 49. Moe Howard retired at 67. Bono fucked up his back at 50. Mine collapsed like a dynamited building at 57. (To be clear, I’m not up for the part, and Moe’s dead.)
It was actually Penn Jillette who I was suggesting for the part. The Penn part threw me off. (Penn is 55). It’s possible his well-known Libertarian views will be more palatable here, and he’s no slouch as an actor to which his well-rememberd stint on Sabrina the Teenage Witch will attest. He is one of the last men in America who can’t be bought with money, so he’d probably take the job if he admired the Farrellys and raise his Jelly Apple Red little fingernail if he didn’t.
Yeah, I’m just sayin’.
Penn Jillette is one of fewer than a thousand men who has spent an evening naked with Debby Harry in a hot tub.
“A little touch of Harry in the night.
And so our scene must to the battle fly”
jtb via ws
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says
Any NE-OH wvsr folk want to go to the Indians game Sunday? I have a spare ticket, and would prefer to sit next to a like minded individual for the game. You can e-mail me at jeffindenver2 at yahoo dot com if you want to go.
Jeff in Denver!
Me! Me! Me!
I’m flying into Cleveland tomorrow morning for the Saturday game and leaving Monday.
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says
Done deal. E-mail me and I’ll reply with my number.
hmmm, I don’t have your email. But mine is email@example.com
No peaking stalkers.
Chuck in Belpre says
You have to pay to listen to Clive Bull? Guess I won’t.
My neighbors (whom we call Pedi and Moana) constantly have LOUD sex with the windows open.
Personally I’m happy for them but it’s traumatizing my 13 year old secret. The other day, the dog moaned in her sleep and my son put his fingers in his ears and started yelling, “LA LA LA…I’M NOT LISTENING” over and over.
I want to go over there and tell them we can hear them but I’m not sure that would be well received….
Pedi and Moana are SUPER-Christians. They don’t wear capes but I suspect they would if there were “Jesus Loves Me” capes available.
Pedi is our age. He wears shirts, caps and probably even underwear that all proclaim his love for Jesus or vise-versa. He never speaks unless we corner him, which Mr.Man does whenever he’s had a few gin and tonics..and he always has a cap on (proclaiming that Jesus loves him) pulled down to cover his eyes.
Moana is A LOT younger….like maybe in her early 20’s. She’s kind of a big girl with a head like a catfish. We don’t see her much but when we do, she has her hair pulled into two tight pigtails that sit right above her ears.
She smiles and giggles a lot but doesn’t say much. She seems pretty quiet…well…unless she’s moaning. THAT is LOUD.
As far as neighbors go, they leave us alone….we torment them occasionally and so far there haven’t been any arrests, so it’s working out ok.
Except for the loud sex noises.
I’m not a prude but you know…
1. It’s upsetting my son…traumatizing him really and damnit, that’s OUR job, not theirs.
2. The visual that pops into our heads is disturbing and sometimes we are trying to eat dinner when it happens. Yuck
3. We already have to put up with the blaring Gospel music or WWW Wrestling, her constant giggling or his laughing (which sounds like a hyena receiving a rectal exam). How much more must we suffer?
I’m not saying that we are the greatest neighbors in the world but 75% of the time we keep our debauchery and general heathendom quiet. Vodka has been known to turn the volume up on it, but that doesn’t happen very often.
Does anyone have any creative suggestions as to how I can get them to stop having sex with the windows open?
I can’t think of a better group of people to ask for advice.
Thank you. I will be patiently awaiting your nuggets of wisdom…
A direct approach is the only way I’m afraid. Try standing outside the window, whistling and clapping your hands, while your other half shouts “go on my son, give it to her up the bum”
Funnily enough I don’t very often get asked for advice.
Two words: air horn
Stand outside the window and yell…..NEXT!!!
Spray the water hose through the window and say Jesus made you do it.
hot fuzz says
1.Tape recorder. Hey neighbor, have a listen.
2. Pack of small dogs – they’ll join right in.
Just call them out and say we heard ya fuckin. Or go all Forrest gump on them
hot fuzz says
2….. they’ll join right in WITH THE HOWLING
i figured a clarification with this group was necessary.
Ocean County, NJ road test, 1974. Driving test conducted on public roads (unlike modern day Maryland, where my kid was tested on a safe little test course where you never go more than 10 mph).
At the first stop sign after leaving the parking lot:
I don’t exactly stop.
Driving test guy calmly reaches down and pulls.up on the parking break (which was between us in a 1972 Corolla wagon). Full transcript:
“That was a stop sign. You didn’t stop. Your test is over. I’ll drive back”
Two weeks later, I stopped.
I vote to put a tape recorder on their window sill, record the moans and howling and mail the tape to them anonymously with some bible verses that deal with sexual promiscuity. I am far from a Bible thumper, but I have a good memory.
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification:
that you should abstain from sexual immorality”
1 Thessalonians 4:3
“Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.”
1 Corinthians 7:1
This may freak them out and the show will be over if they are real Jesus Loves Me people.
Record as much of it as you can, video and/or audio, and upload it to You Tube. Maybe it’ll go viral.
i would love to hear that! post the audio HERE and let us all listen.
thank you jesus.