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Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 714

June 25, 2009 By Jeff 134 Comments

BabeRuthLast weekend we were pulling into the Sam’s Club parking lot, when Toney’s cell phone started ringing.  “Probably Sunshine,” she sighed, and grabbed it from her purse.  But it wasn’t Sunny, it was… me.

That’s right, her phone said I was calling from my phone.  But I was sitting right beside her, probably going on and on about something nobody cared about, and singing along to Hall & Oates’ Greatest Hits like a retard with a toothache.

WTS?!  Where was my phone, anyway?  It’s usually on the console while I drive, but it wasn’t there.  Immediately I thought I’d lost it somewhere, and some good Samaritan was trying to track me down by calling numbers in my directory.

Toney answered, but nobody was on the other end of the line.  Then I remembered I’d put the phone inside my back pocket, while walking around Target.  And when I did a pat-down of my ass, that’s where I found it.

We thought that was a riot, my butt cheeks giving Toney a call.  But when we parked I looked at recent numbers dialed, and learned that my ass had also called Bill in WV, my brother near Pittsburgh, and a guy named Joe at my old job in California.

And the weird part?  The one to Joe had lasted for over four minutes!  Apparently he and my ass have a lot in common?  Of course I knew this on a subconscious level, but didn’t completely put it together until last Saturday.

The younger Secret and I were in my car (again) this morning, and I’d left a Fleetwood Mac CD in the player by mistake.  And, as always, he howled in protest:  “Aaaaahhh! ‘70s crap-music!!”  For a person born in late 1998, he sure has picked-up a lot of strong opinions…  Sheesh.

I told him he needed to give the band another chance, and tried to provide a little history and background.  And here’s what he said:

“So, let me get this straight?  Stevie is a girl, and Lindsey is a boy?  I rest my case.”

Yes, the younger Secret will be taking over the Surf Report someday.  The site is secure for another sixty or seventy years, I believe.  Because he’s me, reincarnated, before I’ve even had a chance to die.

And speaking of TheWVSR, here are three things I’ve learned since starting it:

1.  How to correctly spell diarrhea, without cheating.
2.  It’s “far be it from me,” and not “far be it for me.”
3.  It never pays to bring up politics, religion, or chili.

And since I mentioned cell phones…  I hate mine.  I did an inordinate amount of advance research, but still picked out a turd.  It’s the first generation LG enV, and I really don’t like the thing.

I called Verizon to see if I have any upgrade options, and it looks like I’m stuck with this dog until March 2010.  Unless, of course, I want to buy a new phone at full retail cost.

Have you ever been in this kind of situation, where you’re locked into a contract, but hate your phone?  What did you do?  Buy one off eBay?  What?  Help me out, won’t you?

My mother had knee-replacement surgery this afternoon.  She’s been limping around for almost a year, and wouldn’t go to the doctor.  But my Dad finally insisted, and they said her factory-installed knee was shot.

I know that kind of surgery is extremely common now, with very little risk, but I was on pins and needles all day.  I don’t like my parents being put to sleep, and somebody carving holes in them.  Ya know?

But she’s reportedly doing fine.  I don’t envy her next few days, but I’m sure she’ll come through it OK.  She’s far more courageous than I am.

There’s a guy at my job who looks EXACTLY like Babe Ruth.  I’m not kidding.  When I catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye, I instantly think, “Holy shit, it’s the Bambino!”

Do you have any “celebrities” at your place of employment?  How about around your town?  Have you ever run into “Jackie Gleason” at Wendy’s, or “Dwight D. Eisenhower” in the cereal aisle at the grocery store?  Tell us about it, won’t you?

And finally, a follow-up to yesterday’s story about the girl with blue skin…

If you’ll remember, a woman I know has a sixteen year old daughter whose skin started turning blue, for reasons unknown.  They took her to at least two doctors, and everyone was stumped.

The final doctor, a big-time specialist, thought she might have contracted an ultra-rare disease which makes a person literally change colors.

But the mother finally solved the mystery.

It seems the girl had been using some kind of spray-on tanning solution (tan in a can), and sleeping on new (blue) sheets.  The color bled into her skin, and literally changed the tone of it.  It wasn’t just on the surface, the shit was blue all the way down!

So, there ya go.  That’s what happened to the teenage girl with the blue skin.

And I’m calling it a week here.  I just found out Michael Jackson died on the same day Farrah Fawcett bought it, and I’m completely distraught…  What’s next, Scott Baio??  These things happen in threes, you know.

Wonder if they were able to save the nose, at least?  I’m picturing it in a laboratory somewhere, still breathing.

I’ll see you guys on Monday.

Currently in the trunk of my car.

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Filed Under: Daily

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Alice in WV says

    June 26, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    Glad to hear that your Mom is rocking her new knee, Jeff! YAY!

    Reply
  2. Knucklehead says

    June 26, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Shiny Rod, I look somewhere BETWEEN those two photos.

    If that’s what I’m gonna look like when I’m 67, I’m blowing my brains out at 60.

    Reply
  3. DTO says

    June 26, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Hate to be a stiff ass here…but…it’s still raining here sooooooo…. I’m still stuck inside
    ……:yay =…. “this;… or so:…. often with a gesture indicating size”…..(yay big)

    Yea =…1) yes…2) indeed…3) a preson voting in the affirmative…..or hurrah: a shout used in chreeing for a team……..(or a Mom)…..”Websters”

    You could call me a pain in the ass but you’ll have to get in line. Littlle stuff bugs me.

    Hey…quit raining……headed back out……..-d

    Reply
  4. Gretchen says

    June 26, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    Yea pain in the ass-ery! 🙂

    Reply
  5. Taiwan On says

    June 26, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    My wife bought me this really cool new touchpad phone (HTC Touch 3G) but the damn thing displays everything in Mandarin so I have no idea how to do anything with it except make and receive phone calls. Imagine, a phone that only acts like a phone.

    Fleetwood Mac’s first two albums after Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks joined the band are seminal works of art. This can not be disputed.

    Reply
  6. Kevindust says

    June 26, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    @ Shiny Rod

    Reply
  7. Kevindust says

    June 26, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    Please stop creating

    Reply
  8. Kevindust says

    June 26, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    a new post

    Reply
  9. Kevindust says

    June 26, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    for every sentence.

    Reply
  10. Kevindust says

    June 26, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    (No offence intended.)

    Reply
  11. SeanInSac says

    June 26, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    http://www.thelocal.se/20232/20090623/

    Check out this website, totally looks like something ol’ Nancy and Nostrils would do to their kids.

    Reply
  12. CitizenX says

    June 26, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Further Proof that SeanInSac is dead on:

    ““We want Pop to grow up more freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender mould from the outset,” Pop’s mother said. “It’s cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead.”

    Scary there are more of them out there.

    Reply
  13. Shiny Rod says

    June 26, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    @ Kevindust – Bite me!!! It’s bcause I am responding to different subjects and don’t want people confused about who I am directing my statement. Besides, last time I checked, there was no rule against how many times you post as long as you are not double posting. Or are you experiencing some posting envy? BTW, who made you moderator? Don’t let me go there…

    Reply
  14. Shiny Rod says

    June 26, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    Ooopss I went there didn’t I…

    Reply
  15. NDfaninAZ says

    June 27, 2009 at 12:34 am

    I use YAY in the cheer form 🙂

    Yay!

    Reply
  16. Misselle says

    June 27, 2009 at 9:32 am

    My ex mother in law looks like Ric Flair. Complete with the overprocessed platinum blonde hair, the fake cornhusk doll tan, and the oddly flabby torso.

    Reply
  17. Trisha aka Mrs. Wally says

    June 27, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    Late to the party as usual.

    Celebrities- I once worked with a guy who was a spitting image of John Cusack. My Dad looks like Larry Bird. My Mom looks like Florence Henderson (odd pair, I know).

    Phones: Like Jorge said… I had the Juke. I hated that damn phone. I finally told Verizon that if they did not let me upgrade I was canceling my contract. Guess who got to upgrade early? I have the LG Voyager and love it!

    Good luck and glad to hear Momma Kay is feeling better!

    Reply
  18. clintcurtis says

    June 28, 2009 at 10:35 am

    Actually, I think Michael Jackson starts a NEW death triumverate. The previous three were David Carradine, Ed, and Farrah. So, looking at it realistically, Scott Baio should be worried.
    Oh, and way to go, Biffy Spiffy! I’ve been using your “rear the children” line for the past couple of days, and all my friends look at me like I’m some total sicko. Hehehe…I wouldn’t want it any other way! That line had better make Jeff’s WVSR week in review email!

    Reply
  19. Jeff says

    June 28, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Where does Billy Mays fit into all this?

    Reply
  20. clintcurtis says

    June 28, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Oooops, I forgot celeb lookalikes…I had a guy working for me in WV that looked exactly like Charles Manson. I work with a guy who could be mistaken for Quentin Tarrantino. Also work with a guy who looks just like Chris Stamey…which is understandable because they are first cousins. People tell me that I look a lot like John Denver…I hope they aren’t referring to how he probably looks now.

    Reply
  21. chill says

    June 28, 2009 at 11:15 am

    @Jeff,

    “Where does Billy Mays fit into all this?” – Um, he just died too. Does that make the triad? I’ve lost track.

    Reply
  22. clintcurtis says

    June 28, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Yep…another trifecta ‘o’ death has just been completed. First we had Bea Arthur, David Carradine, and Ed McMahon. And now we’ve just completed Farrah, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays. Scott Baio can rest comfortably…for now.

    Reply
  23. Jason says

    June 28, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    Billy Mays too? Who’s next? Conan O’brien? Nancy Reagan? This is bullshit! I’m sitting here rocking back and forth on my desk chair, a pistol in my mouth. I don’t know what to do.

    Reply
  24. CBS says

    June 28, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    Now people can fake morn and act like they are Billy Mays fans, just like with MJ.

    I remember seeing him on that oxy clean commercial. *sniff*

    Reply
  25. CBS says

    June 28, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    Sorry mourn not morn.

    Reply
  26. Carol says

    June 28, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    Yeah, and don’t forget Patrick Swayze may be coming up (or going down?) soon, too.

    Reply
  27. Shane says

    June 28, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    What will Farrah and Michael Jackson be getting for Christmas this year?

    A: Patrick Swayze

    Reply
  28. Bill in PA says

    June 29, 2009 at 7:11 am

    @garrett Quote “What is the hell is everybody’s fascination with the Beatles? I’m talking about grown men, like 40 and 50 years old. They buy every tribute album, own memoribilia, tell people to shut up so they can absorb every vibration when one of the songs comes on the radio… you know the ones I mean?”

    I think some people reach an eternal moment of “Zen” in their youthful formative years that causes such a reaction. I’m guessing most of these moments were chemically induced.
    That said, I know a guy that is obsessed with Beatles stuff. The records, complete sets still in the unopened cellophane. He’s had custom jewelry made, tattoos, you name it.
    He confided in me that his collection is approaching 1 million dollars in value. The guy has a very successful business has never bullshitted me about anything in the years that I’ve know him. He just loves the Beatles.
    I guess you just “had to be there.”

    Reply
  29. airandee says

    June 29, 2009 at 7:48 am

    Farrah Fawcett – The pop icon every boy went to bed dreaming of
    Michael Jackson – The pop icon who dreamed of going to bed with every boy

    Reply
  30. Adam says

    June 29, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Well… I thought I might break the Billy Mays thing on the Surf Report but it looks like laying on the couch all weekend and clearing out the DVR made me the last to know!

    Reply
  31. Swami Bologna says

    June 29, 2009 at 11:17 am

    Since they come in threes, we’re due for another one soon.

    1. David Carradine
    2. Ed McMahon
    3. Farrah Fawcett

    1. Michael Jackson
    2. Billy Mays
    3. _____________

    Reply
  32. Adam says

    June 29, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Keeping my fingers crossed for Bill Paxton!!!

    Reply
  33. Hope says

    June 29, 2009 at 11:51 am

    wow Swami I had wondered how they bunched the trilogy of the dead. If I was in Hollywood I would be scared since the third slot is now open.

    Reply
  34. AngryWhiteGuy says

    June 29, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Anyone old enough to know who Fred Travalena was? Had his own TV show in the 70’s. 2nd best celebrity impersonator next to Rich “Funny as Syphillis” Little. Anyway, he died, if that counts.

    Reply
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