Last night at work someone shouted in exasperation, “Yeah, and they can all go pound sand!” That saying always makes me laugh, especially when it’s coming out of a contorted-by-anger pastyface. But I don’t know what it means. Pound sand? What the crap?
Do you have any idea? And what other oft-used phrases fall into the same category? “As all get out” is one that jumps immediately to mind. What the?
J.D. Salinger died today, or yesterday or something. Here’s a nice obit. I was a fan of both his writing and his mysterious persona. He became a recluse during the 1960s, and hasn’t granted an interview, or published anything new in over forty years.
And from all accounts… he was also a blue-ribbon curmudgeon. Which is something I can certainly appreciate.
A few years ago I sent him a request for an autograph, and my envelope was returned unopened. Here it is. And Mark Maynard and I toyed with the idea of filming a documentary, in which we traveled to the town where Salinger lived (Cornish, NH) and attempted to agitate him to the point of… something interesting happening.
But all that’s out the window now. Hopefully, however, he spent the past four decades writing, and will allow his “new” books to start being published upon his death. I read somewhere that he had a full-on bank vault installed inside his house, in which he stored his unpublished manuscripts. That might very well be boolshit, but I’d like to believe it’s true.
A few days ago I was talking to a guy who said he’d recently undergone surgery for testicular cancer. And now I’m convinced I have it, too.
Do you ever do that? I’m a master at it. If he’d told me a story about contracting the flesh-eating virus, I’d be convinced — right now — that my back and shoulders were starting to rot away.
It’s the power of suggestion, I guess. Mix that with my powerful paranoia… and things can quickly get out of hand. If you’ll excuse my use of the word “hand” in a conversation about balls.
The guy told me he was in surgery by noon, they extracted “the left one,” and he was in a car riding home by 2 pm. Can that possibly be true? Sounds kinda questionable to me.
In any case…
Last weekend I posted a whole mess o’ new Smoking Fish photos, and forgot to link to them. So, here they are. Thanks, folks! Keep ’em coming. The gallery now extends to 62 big pages, and we’re just getting started.
Toney informed me I’ll be giving Andy (Black Lips Houlihan, Snoopy Manny Mann, Mr. McDingles) a bath this weekend. On account of the stench.
And man, I hate giving that hound a bath. It’s a huge production, because of his many neuroses, and I always end up soaked and mopping up ten gallons of water from the bathroom floor.
I tried to convince Toney that Andy’s high-funk is like the Fountain of Youth, and breathing it in will ensure eternal life. But she’s not buying it, for some reason.
Then I told the younger Secret it was time for him to step to the plate. He answered, “But I don’t know how.” And I said, “What do you mean, you don’t know how? You just put shampoo on his back, and start rubbing.”
But it’ll be yours truly, despite my best efforts. It’s one of those jobs that has somehow been assigned to me forever. I’m not sure how that happens, but there’s no use fighting it.
Rule of Thumb: All people who drive faster and slower are idiots.
Rule of Thumb: You can tell when things are really getting out of hand, when the midgets show up.
Today Amazon deposited $10.88 into my checking account, for my share of the past seven months-worth of Surf Report Kindle subscriptions. Hell yeah! I’m buying!! Drinks all around!
But seriously folks, I’m kinda surprised anyone subscribes to TheWVSR via Kindle. I never hear anything about it, good or bad, and just assumed there was no activity.
So, if you get the updates delivered to your Kindle, please tell me about it. How does it look? Is it pretty good? Do the links work, and everything? I’m completely in the dark here.
And since we’re on the subject… Why would anyone want to buy the new Apple iPad? A person would look like an absolute idiot making a call on that big thing. Ya know?
Before I close out the week here… this is funny, and so is this, and this.
I’m planning to take Friday off, to get caught up on some other stuff, so that’s probably what will happen. Although, you never can tell. I make plans, and they go swirling down the catcher all the time.
So, I’ll just say… see ya next time.
Have a great day, my friends!
Congrats, Jason! We’re all rootin’ for ya! Best of luck to Junior and the Missus!
Jeff…Please, TAKE THAT PICTURE DOWN! I had midget nightmares last night that my wife shrank but still had the same sized head. Friggin creeeeeepy!
Not that it matters now, but I took a look at the JD Salinger envelope and noticed the “sorry, returned unopened stamp”. That means he had no idea it was an autograph request. I wonder if you had written your letter to Salinger on the outside of the envelope telling asking him to either A: Sign the enevlope without opening it prior to returning it or B: sign the envelope and then place it in the enclosed self addressed stamped envelope.
Think it would have worked?
I want that pole dancer. I have always wanted to screw a dwarf.
Not a midget whose features are all in disarray.
But, a dwarf whose features are proportionate to height. You know just a miniature person.
She looks nice.
OMG Tim. More friggin nightmares. Thanks dude.
not Oprah says
ok surf reporters, you know those little mini mandarins? I just ate about 12,000. You may never hear from me again.
not Oprah says
Of course, It won’t because of scurvy.
Jason: Congratulations on you new bundle of joy. I wish you good luck and good health. I was wondering though…..since you and your wife will undoubtedly need some time to yourselves at some point..does T. Farty babysit?
Six keys to surviving an MRI if, like me, you have a touch of claustrophobia…
1) Get a script from your doc for 10mg of Xanax (Alprazalom). They come in .25 and .5mg strengths usually.
2) Make an appointment at an OPEN MRI facility. Every city has one. No tube and open on all four sides, but you’ll want to request a mask anyway because you’ll be looking up at 2 tons of metal. Have them blow a fan at you, and bring your favorite CD. Most open MRI facilities have a player.
3) Have your husband lined up to drive you to the appointment.
4) Start taking the Xanax 2-3 hours before the appointment, and take one every half hour or so (depending on the strength of the tablet).
5) Float into the MRI place with the help of hubby. The nice staff will take care of the rest.
6) If possible, get enough Xanax so you can do a “dry run” a couple of days before the procedure. I require about 4mg, but most people need less. Your mileage may vary.
Your doc might tell you Xanax is habituating. Yeah, if you take it every day for six months. Most docs will be happy to script it for air travel or other traumatic events like weddings or MRIs.
Hope this helps. I’d avoid the hard liquor. Alcohol is a CNS depressant, but a neurotransmitter stimulant. You’d just end up a frightened drunk in the MRI device.
Best wishes and best of luck with the doc on Thursday.
Thanks JTB. I actually did get a prescription to Xanax after that last MRI. However, I haven’t had the balls to try it yet as I tend to have unpleasant reactions to drugs. I used to have Ativan to get through the holidays, but it made me suicidal and homicidal. I have no idea what the Xanax will do. Will have to do a dry run, as you said. By the way, there is no open MRI close by to where I live.
Swami Bologna says
Tim: You’ve got it backwards. It’s midgets who are miniature people. It’s dwarves who have regular-size heads and regular-size torsos, but tiny little arms and legs.
Swami Bologna says
Though, after some Wikipedia consultation, I realize neither of us is completely correct, Tim. Apparently there are two kinds of dwarfism:
“Disproportionate dwarfism is characterized by one or more body parts being relatively large or small in comparison to those of a normal adult, with growth abnormalities in specific areas being apparent. In cases of proportionate dwarfism, the body appears normally proportioned, but is clearly abnormally small.”
Xanax is a pretty subtle med. I’ve never heard of anyone having a negative reaction to it. It’s not time-release, so you can break one in half if you want to test the homocidal potential of you or the med.
I would drive (or be driven) quite a distance to avoid the tube. If it’s like a hundred miles for you, then that’s probably too far. Actually, with Xanax (or a prior generation med, like valium) you’ll probably do OK in the tube. Somehow you seem less neurotic than me. I actually flunked my first open MRI because I was shaking. I accidentally took an underdose. Since then, nary a wiggle. I generally play They Might Be Giants because they cram a lot of minutes on their CDs, and because they’re fun and really good. Of course, tastes vary.
JTB: How exactly does one stay still during “Ana Ng”? 😉
Gretchen: The same way one stays still during “Don’t Let’s Start.” Let your neurons dance, but ask your muscles to sit this one out. Frankly, my biggest problem is “New York City” which, perhaps interestingly, was written by an all-female band from Vancouver BC called Cub. John and John do it better than Cub. They heard it on the radio while traveling through Washington and pulled over and transcribed the lyrics. They didn’t get them quite right, placing Bob Dylan’s residence in the Empire State Building, but they came close. Anyway, in the MRI you can’t fall asleep without messing up the image, so Montavani and Hall and Oats are out.