Toney was at Wal-Mart a few days ago, and said two women wearing t-shirts the size of the infield tarp at Wrigley Field were going around scanning items, and adding them to a wedding registry. …Yes, at Wal-Mart.
And you know how you get behind a person in a store, and keep seeing them the whole time? Even after you attempt evasive action, to try to break the pattern? Well, that’s what happened to Toney.
She said the portly pair selected several “sort of understandable” items, but twice she called me laughing and almost hyperventilating.
The first time was when they scanned one of those sponge-on-a-stick deals some people use while washing dishes. You know, so you can get the milk out of the bottom of the glass? And how much money would one of those set a person back? A dollar? Two? The woman put it on her wedding registry!
But the second was even better…
Toney swears it’s true, and I believe her. She said the dumplin’ duo scanned a 12-count box of Wal-Mart brand ice cream sandwiches.
Now, I can almost understand presenting a couple with a box of ice cream sandwiches as a wedding gift, but shouldn’t the newlyweds set their sites a little higher, and go for the Blue Bunny brand, at least? I mean, you only get married for the third time once.
But who knows? Maybe they were afraid people might accuse them of putting on airs, and thinking they’re uptown? Hey, I’m sure they know their guests better than I do…
We’re finally dumping our local monopoly of a phone company. Longtime readers know we’ve been toying with the idea for several years, but didn’t really like the thought of using cell phones only. It just didn’t feel right to us…
However, the company we’re forced to use has no direct competition, with the kind of prices you’d expect in such a situation. Even with our service stripped down to the bare minimum (no caller ID, no voicemail, no nothing), it’s still costing us more than fifty dollars per month. It’s a HUGE rip-off.
So we’re going to try Vonage. Our equipment arrived yesterday, and we’re going to hook it up today. For less than half of what we’re paying the local company, we’ll have unlimited calling and every bell and whistle known to man.
The only downside? We’re going to have to change our number. The aforementioned monopoly somehow controls all the telephone numbers in our town, and won’t allow them to be used with other services. You think I’m joking? Oh, you’d be mistaken on that count.
So we’re going to have to go with a number associated with some town I’ve never heard of, or visited. I don’t even know… Harelip Township? Mongoloid Ridge? I’m unclear.
In fact, I might be mistaken about this, but I don’t think our new number is even numbers, completely… I believe it’s something like 4!3-2@*6.
But it’ll be worth it. What do I care if our phone number is 4-exclamation mark-three-two-at symbol-asterisk-six? That’s cool with me.
Any opinions on Vonage? Are we making a mistake?
I heard a news report a few days ago about swine flu, and they said one of the best ways to avoid catching it is to never touch your face. I laughed, and thought, “Who goes around touching their face all the time?”
But now that I’m aware of it, I’m starting to realize that I’m apparently a serial face-toucher, myself. Who knew? I’m constantly catching myself scratching, poking, flicking, and stroking…
Try it sometime, and you might be surprised. Try to go for fifteen minutes without touching anything on your face. Am I the weird one, or do you also find yourself messing around with face stuff more than you realized? I might have to strap my arms down.
Joe T. sent me a scan of a baseball card this morning that made me chuckle, in a Beavis manner. Take a look at it here, along with two others I added from the same “team.”
Who else can we include in our little hall of fame? Help me out, won’t you? ‘Cause my mind isn’t working properly, on account of the drip, drip, drip of dumbness.
And do you want to see something inexplicably sad? Well, check this out. Shane got his teeth fixed! I can’t believe it. For some unknown reason this throws my whole universe out of kilter. Shane MacGowan with perfect (albeit grayish) teef? I’m not sure I’ll be able to function in such a world…
And I like the sound of this place. Have any of you visited it? I think I need to make a pilgrimage in the near future.
The light bulb in my Miller High Life lamp burned out a few days ago, so I added them to the grocery list hanging on the fridge. And I wrote “none of those stoopid Dairy Queen cone bulbs either, please” beside it, just to be sure. I can’t have anything “green” in the Surf Report bunker. I mean, seriously.
So Toney bought regular bulbs from Wal-Mart, but they’re 67 watts. Have you ever heard of such a thing? 67?? I don’t get it, but have a bad feeling. It’s something feel-good, isn’t it?
Dammit! Why can’t they just leave me alone? At least while I’m inside this tiny room?
And from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk… What are some of the best biographies or autobiographies you’ve read? Three jump immediately to my mind: this one, this one, and this one. All were excellent, and stick with me through the years. Especially the Raymond Chandler, for some reason…
Do you have anything on this subject? Tell us about it in the comments.
And speaking of Clive, one of his callers said she graduated from some school (I’m unclear) in the 1950s, and the headmistress gave all the girls some “advice for life.”
1. Don’t go near Piccadilly Circus
2. Never drink pink gin
3. Never touch a man on the back of his neck
WTF? What kind of advice for life would you offer someone graduating from high school today? Use the comments section below.
And I think that’s enough for one day…
I hope you guys have a great weekend, and all that stuff. I might post a “special report” before Monday, but probably not. I can’t imagine it happening two weeks in a row, but stranger things have happened (I’m told).
See you next time.
John Hughes is dead?
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Who’s next, Queen Elizibeth? This is getting absurd.
DO SOMETHING MR. PRESIDENT! DO SOMETHING!
I heard Steven Tyler was so upset John Hughes died, he fell off the stage.
What I want to know is where Shane got such straight and eerily white teeth from. Oh, Spain apparently.
I don’t own any of Apple’s crap. No Bose or Monster cable either. Overmarketed dross them all.
That’s a damned shame. I’m going to miss John Hughes a lot more than I’ll miss The Gloved One. I grew up reading NatLamp in the 1970s, which explains a few things.
The biography of Dr Sess and Mr Geisel is full of awesome.
urg. Dr. Seuss! and here:
http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Seuss-Mr-Geisel-Biography/dp/030680736X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249602415&sr=1-1
@Angry White Guy, I had to ask Jeff who you were yesterday after he sent out your homeowners association letters I laughed my ass off. After I found out who it was I wasn the least bit surprised. Way to stand your ground.
By the way are there any rees left in Boone?
David McCullough’s biography of John Adams is excellent. I read it years ago and couldn’t put it down.
http://www.amazon.com/John-Adams/dp/B000FC0QHA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1249603086&sr=8-2
I was visiting Pittsfeild recently to celebrate “pig day” when my fiancee molly & I stopped in at the local watering hole for a couple of pink gins (straight gin with a dash of angostura bitters I kid you not!) before heading off to Wallmart’s grocery isle to register for our upcoming nuptuals!” Did you hear shane Mc Gowan is Steve Coogan’s twin brother?” my beloved asked? when suddenly she was called to the telephone(a midget bellboy running through the bar yelling “Vonage call for Ms Ringwald”) “Oh my god she said to me John Hughes is as dead as my career!” Don’t worry my darling said I I’ll buy you an ice cream bar! and if you are a really good girl a baseball card with a rude name on it! “you spoil me” she said as she touched her pouty lips for the thousand damned time!
“Fake” by Kenneth Walton – the autobiographical account of a guy who started selling questionable art on ebay, with unintended but inevitable consequences.
It’s a great read.
http://www.amazon.com/Fake-Forgery-Lies-Kenneth-Walton/dp/1416948058/ref=sr_1_9?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249604389&sr=1-9
Pete LaCock was no dick. I got his autograph at the “Vet” when he played for the Chicago Cubs. BTW, LaCock’s father is Peter Marshall from “Hollywood Squares.” It would’ve been priceless to hear Paul Lynde say “LaCock.”
Re further evidence: who knew: Jesus was a chick!
I love when Jeff goes off his meds! This update is the caliber I have come to expect from the man whose hat I proudly sport on the Loveland-Madeira Trail, and which is becoming my fishing hat. I’m old-school on the Smoking Fish, but respect Evil Twins attempts at childlike scrawl.
The Reds actually won last night. A beautiful girl bought me a beer in a Pub. Guys were buying her rounds, and I offered to be her DH. Wild nights, Wild NIghts, so said Ms. Dickinson *snicker*.
Greg
You CAN keep your old number.
http://www.fcc.gov/cgb/consumerfacts/numbport.html
Don’t forget Albert Pujols. (poo-holes)
Jon Coutlangus played for the Reds.
Johnny Dickshot -old timer
Dirty Basketball name: Gregor Fucka
Dirty Football names: Harry Colon
De’Cody Fagg (not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Racing: Dick Trickle
@ WV Hillbilly – I was out to lunch yesterday with my husband and a couple came in and sat at an adjacent table. Both were wearing Pujols jerseys. I almost couldn’t finish my meal because I thought that was so disgusting. Plus the couple was really unfortunate looking and that didn’t help.
Jeff, as usual, you made my day. I hadn’t seen that Dick Pole baseball card since I was a yungun. Had a flashback of my buddy and I digging thru my older brother’s baseball cards one bored afternoon in 5th or 6th grade and laughing until we almost lost consciousness. Another gem we found that day was a Red Sox player named Dick Drago… We assumed we’d never heard of him before because, while he could hit, he would always trip on the way to first…
Well, Hello Surf Reporters…
It’s 2 in the mo’ning & I’m listening to Cypress Hill/Snoop Dog, heavy into hands of poker and looking into the bottom of empty Miller High Life bottles.
work in 7 hours is inevitable
hello surf reporters. I’m sitting at a henry hudson’s in okc drinking shitty beer and gin and tonics getting ready to drive to stl to see Wussy tomorrow (the girl is driving).
Well, Hello Surf Reporters…
I am sitting here working on a midterm for one of my classes. I have not had anything to drink to night. Instead, I am thinking about a very special person in my life. Besides today is pay day and I am going to finish this damn midterm and start on this bottle of Glenlivet 15 I have waiting. Or maybe not, who knows…
work in 5 hours is debatable, but I got it like that. It’s good to be me, don’t let it suck to be you. Peace out my friends.
angry white guy…
dude… nothing says “awesome” more than having a sex-related death!
I’m seriously considering putting in black lights throughout my house.
RIP John Hughes..
AWG: I’m robbing the proverbial cradle too! I am 46, but the boyfriend is 30….. Guess that makes me a Cougar! So be it. Life is gooood! Here’s your good news…Your wife may hit her sexual prime at 35, but I am here to tell you…it doesn’t end there! Giddy up!
Garrett: BRAVO!!
Shiney Rod: Steven Tyler’s “living it up as he’s going down….”
As for advice:
1. Make sure you make your own money so you don’t have to rely on anyone else.
2. Have your own friends. When relationships go bad, his/her friends before the relationship with stick with him/her….no matter the situation.
3. You are responsible for your own actions.
4. Never shit on anyone on the way up the ladder as you may pass them on the way back down.
I’ve been a huge fan of the “cougar” since my first one:
1) I was 17, she was 24.
2) me 27, her 36
3) me 36, her 41
3b) Reverse: me 37, her 24.
4) Now: me 38, her 41
Of course, 3b ended up a disaster. I just can’t deal with all the game playing bullshit that comes with an *untrained* companion.
They always get me with the whole “robbing the cradle,” and “caught me a young buck” stuff, when I’m the one clearly benefiting.
The only downside is that most of these cougar-types will come with baggage, but I like kids – being one myself.
My hat’s off to you, bikerchick.
Oh, and the first one (me 17 and her 24)? I met her in high school. I’ll let you figure that one out.
@Garrett…Let me guess, does the song have the lyrics, “man I think the clock is slow” and “I dropped my pencil”. Also excellent quotes earlier!
@Bikerchick…#4 is damn good!
@SR…Just finished a bottle of Glenlivet 15 french reserve, most excellent. Time to start saving my nickles and dimes for the next one!
@ bikerchick – Cougars are my favorite sport, I love a challenge. Ah, just joking, I’ve hung up my cougar hunting license. I like my peace and privacy most days now.
Re: the bearded woman on Further Evidence – my husband filmed an interview with her (he works for a German magazine) and said she’s a pretty cool person. She’d tried electrolysis and all that and the beard kept growing back, so she finally said fuck it.
My advice for high school graduates:
If 10-15 years down the road senior prom remains the highlight of your life, you may want to rethink your life.
@ WB in OH – I need to pick up a bottle of the 30 today, I love Glenlivet. But Glenfiddich is a bit more superior in my opinion. I like the taste of the single malts over the blended. But JW Red is good to if your hitting the budget strings.
@ Garrett – Hot for the teacher, oh you’ve been a bad boy. Your gonna have to stay after school and clean the chalkboard.
@SR…I would agree with you about the Glenfiddich, usually do Dewars when I need scotch fix but don’t want to part with $$$. Let me know about the 30, I feel a road trip to http://www.thepartysource.com/ is in my near future, this place has it all as I’m sure some of the cincy area boy’s would attest to.
Good guess, WB.
I’m in a funk today. All the radio stations are talking about “No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food,” and the like.
I’m at work and every time an oriental passes me, I hear a GONG! It’s getting ridiculous.
—————
Ginny: No Sam, I think you’re just acting selfish and immature.
Samantha: Oh yes that’s it. That’s exactly it.
Ginny: [to herself] I can’t believe it. You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.
The Geek: Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I’ll, uh, tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
The Geek: I’m Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You’re in the parking lot in front of my church.
The Geek: You own a church?
[on the phone to the police]
Howard: What was he wearing? Well, uh, let’s see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes… No, he’s not retarded.
Grandpa Fred: Hey Howard, there’s your Chinaman.
Howard: Thanks Fred.
Long Duk Dong: Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.
Mike Baker: It’s a quiche.
Long Duk Dong: How do you spell?
Grandpa Fred: Well you don’t spell it, son, you eat it.
Biographies I have read. Let’s see.
Hitler (a bunch)
Churchill (a few)
Stalin (a few)
Stalin’s daughter (1)
Khrushev ( a couple )
Himmler (1)
Martin Borman (1)
Ribbentrop (1)
Goebbels (1)
Magda Goebbels (2)
Irwin Rommel ( 1 )
Eichman (a couple)
Eisenhower (a couple)
George Reeves (TV Superman from the 1950s)
Stonewall Jackson ( a few )
Sherman
Bedford Forrest
Willem de Kooning ( a few )
Mark Rothko
Franz Kline
Van Gogh
Picasso
Matisse
Andy Warhol (several )
Gilda Radner
The Beatles
Marlena Dietrich
Leni Riefenstahl
Patti Hearst
Diana Otten
Timothy Leary
Kirk Douglas
Rosemary Clooney
Patti Duke
I must have bored everyone by now so I’ll stop.
Garrett: Atta-boy! “Hot for Teacher” is my favorite VH song! HA!
I’m not for the bullshit games either. If you have tricks up your sleeve…go find someother Houdini to tie up. And as far as baggage…none here! Just two hairy, fat, hungry, farting, snorting, sneezing, pooping 3x a day, pugs. Love me, love my dogs. They have been with me through thick and thin.
“Can you describe the ruckus, sir?”
“Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?”
“Chicks cannot hold their smoke, dat’s what it is.”
“What if your home… what if your family… what if your *dope* was on fire?
Impossible, sir. It’s in Johnson’s underwear. ”
“So Ahab, can I have all my doobage?”
RIP John Hughes
Dr. Smith on Youtube
My new favorite band
Zombie Bitches Kicking Peoples Ass Rules!
I’m Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell’s wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I’m… I’m the wart. She’s my tumor. My… my growth. My… uh, my pimple. I’m Uncle Wart. Just old Buck “Wart” Russell. That’s what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They’ll call me that. “Melanoma Head’s coming.” I’m s… uncle! Maisy Russell’s uncle!
Biographies: Alexander Hamilton, Ben Franklin, Bill Clinton, Elizabeth I, Mary Queen of Scots, Thomas Jefferson, and if it counts, a book about the wives of the Founding Fathers.
Recommended reading for all those who have to deal with idiots in the workplace: The Peter Principle by Dr. Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hull. It was written years ago, but is amazingly accurate, and trust me, it’s better than it sounds.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Principle
@Rusty-Hitler to Patty Duke? I think one would call that a “broad range” of interests.
BUELLER? BUELLER? BUELLER?
GCIII – This is my favorite John Hughes from the Breakfast Club.
Bender: Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, I guess you won’t be needing a drink. Naked lady says…
[the ceiling gives way]
Bender: Oh, *shit*.
guys if you are looking for a true bargain in blended scotch try “the famous grouse” It is the house whisky at pretty much every pub in Scotland! Makes Dewars & Johnnie red taste like cough medicine!
@ Pagan – My aim is to pay the most outrageous ridiculus price for sctoch I can afford. So far, I can’t seem to get past the Glenlivet 18. It’s hard to bite the bullet once you get around $75 a bootle. Unless its a special occassion. Fortunately, I just got a pay raise and a bonus.
Oh, he’s very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.
Shiny Rod: Try the Macallan 1926 it’s a mere $38,0000 a bottle:)
Oh, Gretchen… I’ve got the nasaly Chicago accent going in my head with that quote… and what’s this in my hair??? A pencil?!
@Pagan-I will give the grouse a try, although you and I have a little different view of “bargain”.
@SR-I believe Pagan has laid down a challenge my good man.
@Pagan-What kind of water would you recommend for a $38,000 dollar (I hope that’s not pounds) bottle of whisky and would you dare put ice in it?
I rather spend that on a wedding ring, a least I know where it will be going and I can see what I spent my money on.
I’m still trying to decide if Coors is better in a bottle or a can. The testing continues. The last time I bought bottles and drank out of the bottle, I could taste the cap…yuck. I usually use a glass either way. You guys are out of my league on the Scoth thing. I understand it…just never jumped in. I do know that some wines are red and some wines are white. I like red!
Lewis and Clark’s Journal…
And…Undaunted Courage…about Lewis and Clark. Must have been a hell of a walk! Sorry I missed it.