Toney was at Wal-Mart a few days ago, and said two women wearing t-shirts the size of the infield tarp at Wrigley Field were going around scanning items, and adding them to a wedding registry. …Yes, at Wal-Mart.
And you know how you get behind a person in a store, and keep seeing them the whole time? Even after you attempt evasive action, to try to break the pattern? Well, that’s what happened to Toney.
She said the portly pair selected several “sort of understandable” items, but twice she called me laughing and almost hyperventilating.
The first time was when they scanned one of those sponge-on-a-stick deals some people use while washing dishes. You know, so you can get the milk out of the bottom of the glass? And how much money would one of those set a person back? A dollar? Two? The woman put it on her wedding registry!
But the second was even better…
Toney swears it’s true, and I believe her. She said the dumplin’ duo scanned a 12-count box of Wal-Mart brand ice cream sandwiches.
Now, I can almost understand presenting a couple with a box of ice cream sandwiches as a wedding gift, but shouldn’t the newlyweds set their sites a little higher, and go for the Blue Bunny brand, at least? I mean, you only get married for the third time once.
But who knows? Maybe they were afraid people might accuse them of putting on airs, and thinking they’re uptown? Hey, I’m sure they know their guests better than I do…
We’re finally dumping our local monopoly of a phone company. Longtime readers know we’ve been toying with the idea for several years, but didn’t really like the thought of using cell phones only. It just didn’t feel right to us…
However, the company we’re forced to use has no direct competition, with the kind of prices you’d expect in such a situation. Even with our service stripped down to the bare minimum (no caller ID, no voicemail, no nothing), it’s still costing us more than fifty dollars per month. It’s a HUGE rip-off.
So we’re going to try Vonage. Our equipment arrived yesterday, and we’re going to hook it up today. For less than half of what we’re paying the local company, we’ll have unlimited calling and every bell and whistle known to man.
The only downside? We’re going to have to change our number. The aforementioned monopoly somehow controls all the telephone numbers in our town, and won’t allow them to be used with other services. You think I’m joking? Oh, you’d be mistaken on that count.
So we’re going to have to go with a number associated with some town I’ve never heard of, or visited. I don’t even know… Harelip Township? Mongoloid Ridge? I’m unclear.
In fact, I might be mistaken about this, but I don’t think our new number is even numbers, completely… I believe it’s something like [email protected]*6.
But it’ll be worth it. What do I care if our phone number is 4-exclamation mark-three-two-at symbol-asterisk-six? That’s cool with me.
Any opinions on Vonage? Are we making a mistake?
I heard a news report a few days ago about swine flu, and they said one of the best ways to avoid catching it is to never touch your face. I laughed, and thought, “Who goes around touching their face all the time?”
But now that I’m aware of it, I’m starting to realize that I’m apparently a serial face-toucher, myself. Who knew? I’m constantly catching myself scratching, poking, flicking, and stroking…
Try it sometime, and you might be surprised. Try to go for fifteen minutes without touching anything on your face. Am I the weird one, or do you also find yourself messing around with face stuff more than you realized? I might have to strap my arms down.
Joe T. sent me a scan of a baseball card this morning that made me chuckle, in a Beavis manner. Take a look at it here, along with two others I added from the same “team.”
Who else can we include in our little hall of fame? Help me out, won’t you? ‘Cause my mind isn’t working properly, on account of the drip, drip, drip of dumbness.
And do you want to see something inexplicably sad? Well, check this out. Shane got his teeth fixed! I can’t believe it. For some unknown reason this throws my whole universe out of kilter. Shane MacGowan with perfect (albeit grayish) teef? I’m not sure I’ll be able to function in such a world…
And I like the sound of this place. Have any of you visited it? I think I need to make a pilgrimage in the near future.
The light bulb in my Miller High Life lamp burned out a few days ago, so I added them to the grocery list hanging on the fridge. And I wrote “none of those stoopid Dairy Queen cone bulbs either, please” beside it, just to be sure. I can’t have anything “green” in the Surf Report bunker. I mean, seriously.
So Toney bought regular bulbs from Wal-Mart, but they’re 67 watts. Have you ever heard of such a thing? 67?? I don’t get it, but have a bad feeling. It’s something feel-good, isn’t it?
Dammit! Why can’t they just leave me alone? At least while I’m inside this tiny room?
And from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk… What are some of the best biographies or autobiographies you’ve read? Three jump immediately to my mind: this one, this one, and this one. All were excellent, and stick with me through the years. Especially the Raymond Chandler, for some reason…
Do you have anything on this subject? Tell us about it in the comments.
And speaking of Clive, one of his callers said she graduated from some school (I’m unclear) in the 1950s, and the headmistress gave all the girls some “advice for life.”
1. Don’t go near Piccadilly Circus
2. Never drink pink gin
3. Never touch a man on the back of his neck
WTF? What kind of advice for life would you offer someone graduating from high school today? Use the comments section below.
And I think that’s enough for one day…
I hope you guys have a great weekend, and all that stuff. I might post a “special report” before Monday, but probably not. I can’t imagine it happening two weeks in a row, but stranger things have happened (I’m told).
See you next time.
LOL Adam! Love that film. That and “Sixteen Candles.” I suppose it was nice to be in high school when Hughes was hitting his stride.
Car Rental Agent: [cheerfully] Welcome to Marathon, may I help you?
Neal: Yes.
Car Rental Agent: How may I help you?
Neal: You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! Then you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!
Car Rental Agent: I really don’t care for the way you’re speaking to me.
Neal: And I really don’t care for the way your company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn’t fucking there. And I really didn’t care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here to have you smile in my fucking face. I want a fucking car RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Car Rental Agent: May I see your rental agreement?
Neal: I threw it away.
Car Rental Agent: Oh boy.
Neal: Oh boy, what?
Car Rental Agent: You’re fucked!
Del: You play with your balls a lot.
Neal: I do NOT play with my balls.
Del: Larry Bird doesn’t do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!
Neal: Are you trying to start a fight?
Del: No. I’m simply stating a fact. That’s all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.
Neal: You know what’d make me happy?
Del: Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?
Jeezum Crow Shiny, you are one lovesick sumbitch!
Hey, a guys got set spending limits somewhere. I’m just trying to be practical about what I would spend 38K on. I don’t get sprung that easy.
@Garrett-WTF? That’s funny shit but I missed that movie, which one is it from. T-storm mocked me today so I don’t feel bad admitting it anymore!
Hopefully I will be setting new spending limits later tonight after winning the Mega-Millions jackpot!
That would be Planes Trains and Automobiles, WB.
Don’t forget your fellow surf reporters if you win, WB! 😉
Thanks Garrett, and there will be cold beer for everyone when I win!! Peace out, got to run 5:22 tee time!
Turns out Billy Mays was a coke head.
I remember watching Sixteen Candles with my cousin and he said of Molly Ringwald, “She’s hot. I wish she was here so I could finger her.” I thought that was odd. “Finger her? I wish she were here so I could run her through with my ding dong.” And he said, “Run her through? What the fuck does that mean?” So I punched him in the neck.
LOL… There’s a rodeo in town and I was at Chili’s with Erica. Two rednecks in starched wranglers and cowboy hats were being served by a 6.5 foot tall flamboyant, gay, black waiter. Their discomfort was quite discernible.
Oh, and by flamboyant I mean this giant did a z-snap with a 5 foot wingspan after he entered their order into the computer.
giblets
About Vonage. I have it. On my end it seems fine, despite some intermittent clicky beeps while I speak. But according to my brother I sound like I’m being “waterboarded” and/or I am using a “Gilligan’s Island coconut shell” phone.” But it’s very inexpensive.
Jeezum crow, I am sad that I missed this shit. JK- this was the best update in awhile. And the comments have been stellar as well. See what happens when I am not around?
WB No ice just a splash of a good Scottish mineral water! (most tap water has chlorine in it that would ruin the taste completely!) I promise you wont be dissapointed with the grouse!
All this talk of John Hughes reminds me how much I miss that Great Comedian: John Candy!
@WB in OH
You live near Wapakoneta? Been to the Armstrong Museum.
@Good2go
Vonage at least OFFERS 911 service
and adding the address is part of the set up process.
It is a good thing.
@JCIII
Yep. Have The Breakfast Club memorized.
HATE catching it on TV when they censor
My son who is 17 recently bought the DVD extra of the movie and I just grinned.
He also bought The Outsiders after reading the book
Another Classic.
@Shiny Rod
“Naked blonde walks into a bar”
.. there IS NO punchline.
Best John Hughes joke ever.
I have googled in the past and recently binged
(I still occasionally check)
NO PUNCHLINE. Love it!
I stood before both John Hughes
(without knowing it and had a great chat with him)
and Molly Ringwald
via my Sunset Blvd Tower Records stint 1990
(Molly’s cards were declining left and right. I felt bad.
Congrats to her on the twins and she looks great)
Jeff
I read both links
My Penis (hilarity)
My Vagina (eh)
Loved the perspective enough
I thought about linking these on my site but I do not have the guts.
So thank you for having guts. Speaks volumes.
About Vonage:
I dunno. Never tried. Still a monthly bill.
I pay what $2 a month for skype?
And can call US/Canada unlimited?
But I have not gotten a skype in phone number yet
so people can call me on it.
I think that is another $3 a month. LOL
They never had local numbers for my area
until recently.
I avoid the monthly bill using MagicJack
http://www.magicjack.com/7/index.asp
It also uses your internet connection
If the PC is powered off calls go straight to VM
I love that.
There is another like it called ooma
http://www.ooma.com/
That I learned about tonight
but the box costs around $300
(I watched the video. Impressive)
compared to magicjack at $50.
These are ONE TIME FEES for life.
Please consider over Vonage
and get rid of monthly phone bills
I’ll second & even third that on The Famous Grouse.
If you can’t or won’t drink single malts, TFG is the one to get.
Biography: A Deeper Blue: The Life and Music of Townes Van Zandt, by Robert Earl Hardy. Recommended.
Here’s the
Today’s quote: “For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.” H. L. Mencken
We had Vonage for a few years, and literally went stretches of weeks/months without service. The fact that I live 1) in the middle of the woods and 2) in a military fly zone probably didn’t help. We finally transferred the # to a cell phone…which gets better coverage, for some reason.
You CAN transfer your number. Your phone company is simply trying to hold you hostage.
Advice to seniors:
1. Put some clothes on.
2. The world is NOT your oyster, it’s a dumpster for those who have gone before you.
3. Lose the attitude; have some respect for your elders.
4. While technology is a wonderful thing, learning how to do things ‘the old fashioned way’ won’t kill you.
5. Be willing to start at the bottom and WORK your way up. The world doesn’t owe you JACK.
Why, yes. I *have* had young employees. I’ve had to fire a good many of them for reasons listed above. Including #1.
I believe this is more applicable to the topic from an earlier posting, but the Seattle Mariners called up pitcher Doug Fister from the minors yesterday. I guess it makes sense that he’s the pitcher and not the catcher. [badum-ching!]
Good one, Gretchen!
Yeah, those odd-watt bulbs seem to be the only option anymore, besides the CFL. Apparently this is the latest in the campaign to make American “green”, if you refuse to switch to CFLs, you’ll have to buy reduced-wattage incandescent bulbs as punishment.
I’m 28 and I already feel like a cranky old man, pining for the days of yore, when we had real 75 watt bulbs and they were bulb shaped, dammit!
Nate did I get this right If you refuse to support the Canadian Football league you are punished? what a neighbourly sacrfice:)
I thought he was talking about Corn Free Lasagna. Why wouldn’t you support such a thing? Who wants corn in their lasagna?
Jason, Jason, Jason. You never fail to make me laugh.
Pagan, you watching CFL today? (not the lasagna)
@renn
That’s good advice for anyone who wants to be employable. I’m way younger than anyone I’ve managed… In fact I think I’m the youngest person at my company other than an administrative assistant. We recently let a senior citizen go for your items 1, 2 and the opposite of 4. I think everyone should not only know how to do their job manually but why it’s done that way. I’m finding that incompetence goes completely unnoticed when a job is reduced to clicking some buttons.
Also, nothing wrong with thinking the world is your oyster as long as you don’t mind making your own pearl.
I was talking about Central Florida. Duh.
I went to Vonage and kept my old number
Not Oprah like most Canadians I’m an NFL Fan:) the Bills are only a 90 min drive from my house!
We dumped our phone company too but instead of Vonage we went with T-mobile’s $10.00 a month plan for the house service. That includes all local and long distance calls, and I think caller id and call waiting. We have had the service for about 2 years and once the initial bugs were worked out it is great.
Almost forgot my Biography list:
Ayaan Hirsi Ali
Albert Einstein
Chris Gardner
Sidney Poitier
Victoria Rowell
Robert Goolrick
@Citizenx-Yes I live near Wapak, shamefully I have not been to the museum, I suppose it is one of those things that are so close and you could go anytime, you just never get around to it. That being said I will make an effort to go, sounds like a nice little motorcycle ride, hmmm.
Hey! Just stumbled upon your website at a fellow-WVers recommendation. I’m a Martinsburg transplant and living in Philly. McGillin’s is worth a trip! There’s a few other bars in the area as well that warrant a visit – check out Monk’s!
It seemed like HBO/Cinemax/Showtime pre-empted a lot of scheduled movies this past weekend to show JohN Hughes movies.
Did you know- The Cousin Vicki in Nat’l Lampoons Vacation (Daddy says I am the best!), which for some unexplicable reason has been changed to “Daddy says I am a scientist!” on the TBS version, is the same person now on 30 Rock (Jenna) all growed up?
On IPOD right now- The Rain Song- Led Zep
I will always have a soft spot for the To The Stars autobiography by George Takei. Audio version only. I know that Howard Stern totally mined that gem over and over for his show but it is great and funny.
My mother traumatized me into never touching my face or putting my fingers anywhere near my mouth– Ice cream dripping, scooping whip cream? Hell no! Mom’s hand, from what I’m sure was downstairs, would come flying at the offending digit precariously aimed at my mouth, “Don’t even think– you’ll get strep!” Now I can’t and no one around me can either… wierd childhood memories.