There’s a hole-in-the-wall Chinese place that recently opened near our house. It’s actually within walking distance of us, but I’ve never walked. I mean, seriously.
But the food is excellent (not gloopy at all), and cheap ($5.35 with tax for their lunch specials), and plentiful (I gave Andy the last two pieces of my lemon chicken a few minutes ago, ’cause I couldn’t eat it all).
And as I was sitting in there waiting for my order, I could hear all the employees talking to each other in Chinese. They’re straight off the mainland, I think.
While listening to that most baffling of languages, I started thinking about one of Phil Hendrie‘s characters, who said Chinese sounds like a dropped fork. And I know it’s horrible of me, but I’m still laughing.
A few nights ago at work a fairly-new supervisor in another department asked if I could spare one of my “people” for about fifteen minutes after lunch.
“Yeah, I’ll send Mike over to see you,” I said.
“Thanks Jerry!” he answered.
And a woman who sits near me at my job sometimes plays an oldies radio station (at a too-high volume, I might add). It’s the normal oldies stuff: “Under the Boardwalk,” “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” “Jailhouse Rock.” But every once in a while they’ll throw in something that seems a tad… askew.
Like “Strawberry Fields” for instance. That doesn’t belong on oldies radio, ya know? That’s classic rock. There are rules in this universe…
Indeed, a few nights ago they took it even further. So far, in fact, it shook me up a little. Right alongside “Hello Mary Lou,” they played (are you ready for this?)… “Jump” by Van Halen.
And I believe it ripped a small hole in the space/time continuum.
I’m returning to the yurt on May 12 & 13. I think I can log upwards of 24 hours of uninterrupted writing/editing time on those two days, if I’m disciplined. Then I’m planning to take a week off from work sometime in June, to finish the book.
I don’t know exactly what the phrase means, but it’s nut-cutting time with my “novel.” I have to focus and get it done. I told Mr. Big, face to face, I’d have it to him in June.
Will somebody please hold me?
And since we’re on the subject… Last night after work, around 2:30 am, I cracked open a Yuengling to celebrate another week ended. My long weekend had officially begun.
Then I started eating salted peanuts in the shell. But I didn’t get a bowl of them, I was just standing in the kitchen and taking them straight out of the bag, then tossing the shells into the trashcan. And around peanut #7, I sucked one of the reddish skins down “the wrong way.”
I could feel it in there, attached to the wall of my throat, fluttering with every breath I took. And I started gagging and coughing, and almost screaming into the darkness.
I couldn’t breathe, and panic was starting to set-in. I gulped down a glass of water, but the skin would not dislodge. Tears were rolling down my face, and I was making all sorts of surprising noises.
Then everything settled down, my breathing stabilized, and I was able to continue with my beer.
And when I got up this morning there was a text message from Toney on my phone (this is how we communicate). It said, “Were you puking last night, or what? I think you woke up half the neighborhood.”
I guess she doesn’t think it’s necessary to get up and check on me, until she hears my body hit the floor? Is that the action-trigger at this point? My lifeless torso slapping the linoleum? I’ll have to text her, and find out.
Have you ever had Canadian maple cream cookies? A friendly woman at work insisted I try one, saying they’re the best things ever, and I almost yakked. It was disgusting; it tasted like a tightly compressed pancake breakfast. And while that might seem appealing in the abstract, it ain’t. Not to me, anyway.
I smiled like an idiot, lifted the partially-eaten cookie to signify my approval, then wandered off and threw the awful thing into a recycling bin.
What’s the worst cookie you’ve ever tasted? I know there aren’t too many awful cookies, but there are a few. Oh yes there are.
And I’m gonna call it a day, my friends. I’ll leave you now with a question from the Stealing Clive Bull‘s Topics desk.
In the comments section, please tell us if you’ve ever paid more than a hundred dollars for a ticket to a sporting event, concert, Broadway play, or anything of the sort. I’m talking about one-night (or day) events, not a cruise, or something like that.
If so, tell us about it. Also, was it worth it? I don’t think I’ve ever paid that much. My closest is probably the seventy-five bucks I plunked down for Steely Dan a couple years ago.
Have a great weekend, boys and girls!
I’ll see ya next time.
Ian the Errolite says
I paid over $100 the last time I saw U2 in Glasgow- the very last time!
That was when Bono paused to tell the audience that ‘every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies’ and someone from the audience replied ‘stop fucking clapping then!’ -truly excellent.
When I worked in the bar trade a lot of people called me ‘John’. I know ‘Ian’ is the gaelic equivalent, but it was still a bit weird.
I kind of like ‘Jerry Kay’ though.
It sounds less sinister.
so ian = john? i tend to just call people what they are named. with variations.
i’m t-storm (tony)
tanya is tans (tauns) or taun taun
lindsey is now lindsey toons
haley is halstead
krista is ksta
amanda is manswers
trish is trish the dish
dana is danger
and so on.
4 am. bleah. do i get up early? do i?
I know you’re close to your departure date. I left a late-night comment for you a couple of days ago wishing you well, but Jeff posted early the next day and I’m not sure you saw it. No big deal, and I don’t need a response, but it’s here…tenth comment from the bottom..
@JCIII- A Floyd fan?
Most I ever paid for a concert ticket? $350. Front row. Neil Young.
You can also hear Disco songs and Huey Lewis and The News on oldies radio shows now.
Son Of Sam says
Waters is coming to the new arena in Sept to do “The Wall”. I’ll be there with the youngest secret..wonder what those tix will cost??
WB in OH says
chill-Last US Grand Prix was in Indy 2007.
About the only thing I can see myself spending over a $100 going forward would be for a Bengal superbowl ticket or a Reds world series ticket, neither of which seem very plausible in the near term.
hot fuzz says
She who must be feared and obeyed received front row court side tickets for Raptors Vs Nuggets for us once. The price on the tix was $600 each. Being that close to the players was great. Being that close to the dance squad was even better.
The next game I saw cost me $20 and I was in the very LAST row …and felt like I was about half a mile away
i got the twit about the giant baby. is that the same baby from the shanghai expo on the big picture?
i couldn’t open your link.
I’m going to the reds/mets game on monday. interested?
WB in OH says
t-storm-interested yes, able no. Already commited to golf Monday night.
i do twitter, i think at jaboersma
but i’ve found with the new droid i’m not so good at it.
you appear (sp?) to be in dayton area, I’m in town sat, sun, and mon. and free for a drink most of the time. just may be geographically limited based on consumption. or the thick piss.
WB in OH says
t-storm-I’m actually about 50 miles north of Dayton. That’s a long way to drive with one eye closed. Weather’s supposed to be crappy all weekend.
You should find a DD and come up on the 15th if you like craft beer. That goes for all the surf reporters. Cincy and Cbus are both only a 90-minute drive.
I would Pay $100 to see The Black Keys right about now.
If you like any kind of blues rock I highly reccomend them. “Attack and Release” was their last album and their new album “Brothers” is out 5/18. Both are Fan-fucking-tastic. Actually all of their albums are great. Get them all.
Rat Bastard says
I have paid at least $100 to see AC/DC (floor seats) a few times and my friend got us tickets to a Wilco show recently (PGH, Carnegie Music Hall) from bastardly online resellers for about $105. I don’t go to many arena/concert hall shows so I can justify paying that once in a great while. Most of the times, I’m either playing on the bill with bands I want to see so I don’t pay a cover, otherwise most shows I go to cost less than $10.
I paid $140 for general admission to see The Avetts Brothers at Cleveland House of Blues. More than worth it. Also, just last weekend paid $460 for tickets to see that singer songwriter from Alabama mentioned above at Star Lake (I refuse to use new names) this summer. Third row. Despite the opinions of him to the contrary previously posted here, I am sure it will be worth it. Paid over $100 numerous times to watch the Mountaineers. Always worth it, even when they lose.
On a side note, does anyone need a car? I seem to recall someone saying they did a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, its a ’94 Eagle Summit. Manual steering, transmission, windows etc. No bells. No whistles. 195K miles. Still runs good. Ugly as shit. Free of charge for someone who actually needs it. You will have to pick it up in Huntington, WV fairly soon. If not, posting on craigslist or going to goodwill where it will certainly be turned into scrap metal, which will make me cry. I tried to give to a charity that gives them to single moms without cars, etc., but got rejected because it only books for about $1.50.
Swami Bologna says
Hey Ian, sorry to burst your bubble, but:
Retrollama- I have seen McCartney too, he does put on an amazing show! I didn’t pay for a ticket though, it was a gift from mom and dad. And I know what your talking about with those ‘gourmet’ jelly centered cookies…it’s not even jelly, it’s like a melted gummy worm.
T-Storm-I agree. I’m always dissapointed when I go to bite into what I think is a chocolate chip, and it’s a raisin. If they were chocolate covered raisins, I’d be totally in.
mountie9wv – I would totally take that car for my little brother, but you’d have to bring it here to Chicago. Heh.
Paid a hunnert or so for tickets to The Who with Robert Plant opening a while back – absolutely worth it…
Hilarious, hilarious update Jerry. I am still laughing.
Anything thing “maple-flavored” is a living nightmare. I will not allow anyone, even my children, near me if they have so much as looked at maple flavoring. If I get maple-flavored anything on my person, God forbid, I immediately must shower. I am not kidding. And yet, I love REAL maple syrup more than almost anything. Go figure.
Dudley Dawson says
Paid just over $100 from ticketmaster to see the Cream reunion concert at MSG back in ’05. Spent $75 to see game 6 of the ’86 World Series at Shea Stadium.
Oral Roberts says
Ewey gooey, rich and chewy inside.
That’s right, take a bite.
Tender golden flakey on the outside.
Your darn tootin,
It’s a big fig Newton.
IT’S A BIG, FIG, NEWTONNNNNNN.
Ian the Errolite says
The best cookie I’ve had was in Amsterdam. Can’t remember a whole lot about it, but I did laugh a lot!
My bubble remains intact mate!
This one is actually true- and the ‘f’ word was used!
Maybe the guy in the crowd was a Jim Carrey fan, but the laughter from the crowd was worth the plagiarism. It was on the 21st June 2005 during a ‘speech’ in the ‘Elevation’ tour where Bono was asking people to text donations to charity.
The gig itself was pretty poor.
I’d seen them in ’97 on the ‘POP’ tour, which remains the most impressive show I seen to date, but on this occassion the pleading migdet let his own ‘hobbies’ marr what should have been a rock concert!
T. Farty McAppleass says
I love you motherfuckers, that’s all I wanna say.
Well, that’s not all I wanna say. I’d also like to add that I’ve never paid for sex in my life…………….and that’s really pissed off a lot of hookers.
Canadian maple cream cookies? You lost me at hello.
A hundred dollars for a show? Can’t even come close.
One time I was on the Mexico border at a shitty bar, these girls would pick up coins from the top of you beer bottle with their hotdog hallways. So we decided to stack $2.50 on a long neck, but we heated our quarters with lighters firrst.
They looked like a slot machines, or my name isn’t “T. Jason McAppleass”.
I just got back from Chicago…my boyfriend and I just went and saw Phish 3D…A 3D movie of the Phish concert we attended in October in Indio, CA. Not only did we make it into the movie, which was awesome, but we also announced it in the theater. We also met the keyboardist of Umphrey’s McGee in a bar tonight…I am drunk, and I wanted to share with everyone on the surf report, because I love you all.
After reading the new posts…I want some fricking Maple cookies, or a huge whopping stack of pancakes.
I will regret this in the morning I’m sure.
brit you seem cool except for the part where you get double teamed by trey anastasio and jon fishman.
i just couldn’t stand a double teamin’ for three hours with only one song being played.
I have worked a couple of places where we had to do service calls at chinese restaurants and every time the service guys would come back and say they would never eat chinese food again….
$100 + tickets: Bristol night race numerous times, worth every penny.
Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, watching Carolina win with a shut out! Never seen anything like it, Canes fans rock!
I have seen Jimmy many times starting with seeing him open for the e\Eagles in Tampa in 1978 and every show was worth the money but I am not paying $100+ to see him until he starts writing boat songs again…
bad cookies: anything with chocolate or coconut in them:(
snickerdoodles are the best!
WB in OH says
“hotdog hallways” I had to read that twice for it to click. Nearly spit coffee on my screen, you rock TFM.
PAmike-Thanks for the heads up on the Black Keys.
I’m no fan of Oreo cookies. I know I’m probably alone on that. I paid over $100 for front row seats to a Ron White show.
I didn’t pay that much for the last concert I went to. I was very disappointed. I’m sure the show was great but I blacked out shortly after getting there. Those so-called “date rape” drugs are a total farce. I couldn’t even stand up, much less do any raping.
T-storm, Trey and Jon can double team me any day. But you are right, some of there songs are just wayyyy to fricking long, even as a Phish fan, even I get bored after a 17 minute song.
Peace out surfers. Need sleepy.
There’s almost nobody here on the weekends; for the most part, the Reporters don’t mind rippin’ off their companies for surf time, but are reluctant to spend their weekends or evenings checking in. (I think some of them are in constrained relationships, but I’m too polite to point that out).
So, since I know no songs about North Dakota, I’ll sing two verses and two choruses of “Rapid City, South Dakota” by Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys. You’ll have to put your ear real close to the monitor because I don’t have a mic or anything, but I’ll sing as loudly as possible.
Have a fine, badass, badlands weekend.
all the best,
I had to check my Uniform Resource Identifier address to make sure I didn’t accidentally land in Penthouse Forum…all this talk about double teaming threw me off. I blame the storm for leading young girls astray, but everybody has to have a hobby I guess.
Jason beat me to the oreo cookies, but I’ll say my piece anyway.
I’ve never gotten the appeal of the oreo. It’s just a glob of sugar-lard blend sandwiched between two wafers of compressed choco-flavored dirt-like substance, which when chewed and combined with saliva, is converted into a gritty, tooth-covering black sludge.
I also hate Little Debbie Star Crunch.
One good thing about Oreos is that they make possible Stephen Wright’s two-liner: “I like the hygienist who works in my dentist’s office – I think she’s cute. So while I’m waiting, I’ll eat a whole box of Oreos.”
As for surf time, I don’t in principle object to ripping off The Man, but generally there is no time to spare for such things. I do my Reporting from home or the odd hotel room, during evenings and weekends (as seen here).
JTB, thanks for bringing up Kinky. Now I have to listen to “Asshole from El Paso”.
Yeah, I’m not sure why it took that direction, but I just played along.
My favorite things begin with the letter “V”.
Valium, vicodin, vodka, and vagina.
Today, I am batting .750
Need to go visit the wife before midnight to bat 1000.
Big bear in OH says
Well, better late than never… I paid over $120 a seat to see Brad Paisley two years ago… One of the greatest shows of my life. On the other hand, I was handed a bunch of free tickets to see Loggins and Messina and it was the hands down worst show I’ve ever seen. I guess you get what you pay for. As for cookies, I find Lorna doones and fig newtons equally repulsive, and actually knew a guy who was killed by a Lorna Doone lodged in his windpipe. My surf report time is equally balanced between home and work, but my iPhone blurs that distinction.
Agree with previous posts, raisins are the devil’s dangleberries and should be avoided in biscuits at all costs.
I would however, stamp on a litter of puppies for a Scottish shortbread bickie to dunk in my tea!
Swami Bologna says
Jason, your date-rape-drug comment was funny as all hell, and had me laughing out loud. That’s professional stand-up comedian caliber writing, my friend.
Swami Bologna says
And T. Farty’s hooker one-liner was pretty darn funny as well. Are you sure you guys aren’t stealing this stuff? If not, if it’s original, you two have a higher calling than real estate.
Good Evening Surf Reporters….
Hope everyone had a fan freaking tastic weekend.
Worst cookie ever hands down..Social Tea.
My grandmother would just throw them all willy nilly in the cookie jar with the good cookies ie Chips Ahoy..and it permeated the cookie jar wtth that horrific shortbread flavor. It’s an old lady cookie and has no business being classified as such. I’d say it’s more of a biscuit..
bob's your uncle says
Erm, once I counted in gas, parking and tolls. I paid 150 to see Tommy Hass play live in Washington DC.
Seeing a handsome, sweaty German tennis player cursing while loosing was glorious. Perfect.
Dudley, I was at that Cream concert, too!
And my sister was ayt game 6 in ’86.
Do I know you?
Alice in WV says
Son of Sam & JCIII – Roger Waters in Pittsburgh will cost ya $245 – $1,215 – gulp!
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I am uncertain as to whether the Ken doll is gay or not, but he sure does have a purty mouth
i paid $100 to see the donky show in tiajuana once.
it was tastfuly done.
Son Of Sam says
Gulp is right!
Thanks Alice…I think
hot fuzz says
How much extra would I have to pay to see the same donkey show but this time NOT tastefully done?
Hey do they still call the first row the splash zone?