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Your End of Week Topic Dump, vol. 274

April 24, 2009 By Jeff 61 Comments

kitchen4I took the oldest Secret to the orthodontist yesterday afternoon.  Apparently this is my job now…  And do I have to do everything around here??  I mean, I’m already emptying the dishwasher every two or three days, now this?  Unbelievable.

Anyway, it took forever.  The place is an endless conveyor belt of pubescents with crooked teeth.  I’m not kidding, they line them up in chairs, shoulder to shoulder, and when one is finished, they replenish from the holding pen in the outer office.

I don’t much care for it.  And even though it’s mostly young teenagers, a high percentage of them are surprisingly hideous.  Here’s a text message conversation I had with Toney, while waiting:

Me:  This place is bubbling over with ugly.
Toney:  I know, lots of ugly parents.
Me:  Some of the kids aren’t far behind.
Toney:  True.
Me:  There’s a girl sitting against the wall who looks like she should be running in the second race at Santa Anita.
Toney:  I bet the dentist sees big dollar signs in her.

Whenever I go to a doctor’s office I’m convinced I’ll catch tuberculosis, or some sort of airborne cancer.  And when I go to the orthodontist I fear I’ll wake up the next morning with huge buck teeth.  Like that Japanese soldier on Gilligan’s Island.

Is that irrational?

After the toof adjuster, I went to Wegmans to choose a fancy-ass microbrew, since it was Thursday.  On Thursdays we like to get our beer on, get our LOST on…  To paraphrase Andy from The Office.

I went with Rogue’s Dead Guy Ale, from Oregon, and was looking forward to being confused and baffled by another episode of my favorite confusing and baffling show — with a superior craft beer in my right hand.

But it was some kind of weird recap thing, not an actual new episode.  Wotta ripoff.  Here’s a photograph Toney took of me, the moment I realized what was happening.  I’m still a little upset, if you want to know the truth.

Buck sent me these pics a few days ago.  What do you think?  Would you feel at-ease in such a contraption?  Could you, you know, perform?  You probably know how I feel about it…

And is this a great photo, or what?  I’d never seen it before.  Perfection!

Tomorrow the temperature is supposed to reach eighty degrees, here in the Upper Perogie Belt.  And I think we’re going to clean up the yard, unfortunately.  There’s all manner of leaves and sticks and random crapola that builds up over the winter, and we’re going to rake it up and put in new mulch, etc.

Oh, my nipples are exploding with delight.  I hate yard work, like a dog hates a meter reader.  But what are you going to do?

Hey, wonder if I could market a series of decals, that would cover the entire inside of household windows, showing various scenes of suburban perfection?  Just impeccably manicured lawns, amongst beautiful homes…  We could bring them up from the basement every spring, stick them to our windows, and pretend everything’s OK outside — while not actually lifting a finger.

Huh, not bad.  I might have to look into it.  I have a feeling half-assery is a largely untapped market.

Steve and I were talking about the translucents a few days ago.  The first two, as some of you know, have names inspired by the town in which they were conceived.  I can’t go into the details, but it’s all fairly hilarious…

The third see-thru, however, has a more generic name.  I’m not sure why they abandoned the tradition, because I can think of plenty of creative and unusual names for the kid.  Since, you know, he was reportedly conceived on the kitchen floor of their previous home in North Carolina.

Oh, I’ve offered plenty of suggestions over the years, but my favorite is Swiffer.  Why didn’t they name him Swiffer?!  That would be excellent, and also consistent.

What do you think would be a good name for a boy conceived on a kitchen floor?  Help me out with it, won’t you?  Use the comments below.

Also, have you ever been on the radio?  Have you ever won a contest, or called into a talk show, or anything of the sort?  If so, we need to know about it.

Except for those painful robot-like “readings” I did for Jack Boston a few years ago, I can think of three times I’ve taken to the airwaves.

When I was really young, grade school age, I won a book of McDonald’s gift certificates by reciting “two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun” in less than four seconds.  At that point there was only one McDonald’s in the area, in downtown Charleston, and it all seemed wildly exotic.

And during high school I won a 105-second “record run” at Budget Tapes and Records.  They pulled my name out of a hat, and I had 105 seconds to call in.  Luckily, I was listening at the time, and secured the prize.

And just so you know, I ended up with 96 full-length albums — once all the restrictions were enforced.  And the owner of the store even allowed me to turn them all in, and choose 96 that I REALLY wanted, instead of the ones I’d grabbed during my wild flailing frenzy.

Finally, in Atlanta I faxed a suggestion for a “rock block” to the local classic rock station.  They liked to do themes, so I came up with six songs that featured stuttering.  Like “My Generation,” “Changes,” and “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet.”  I got to go on the air with Christopher Rude, who I considered to be hilarious.

A quote from an exasperated Toney, circa 1994 or so:  “You’re being ruined by the Jerky Boys, Beavis and Butthead, and Christopher Rude!”  Heh.

So, that’s the second question: tell me about the times you’ve appeared on radio.

And I’m calling it a day here, boys and girls.  Have a great weekend.

See ya on Monday!

Now playing in the bunker.


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Comments

  1. The Qweezy Mark says

    April 25, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    “It is what it is.” Every Monday morning @ the weekly sales meeting in Allentown. What a douchey cop out. Might as well say…”this eats it, so tough shit! I’m making money off you bed wetting fuckfaces” Makes me feel like Michael Landon in :The Loneliest Runner.”

    Reply
  2. Kevindust says

    April 26, 2009 at 8:34 am

    I was on the radio late night on Monday May 1, 2006. It was a midnight madness sale at CD Warehouse for the May 2 release of Tool’s 10,000 Days and Pearl Jam’s self titled AKA “avocado”. I entered a contest and won the grand prize of train tickets, hotel accommodatons and concert tickets to see Pearl Jam in Toronto. I had filled out at least ten contest entries and only later found out that it was supposed to be one entry per person…I lied and took the prize anyway.

    For the record, the concert was great even though the seats were mediocre and I feel no guilt whatsoever!

    Reply
  3. Sally says

    April 26, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    Way back in 1960 or so, here in Atlanta, Ga, it was Krispy Kreme land when it comes to donuts. Then a new donut joint opened called…Dunkin Donuts!

    The city was in an uproar over this contentious contender to say the least, and to this day there are fierce debates over which ones are best.

    The historic Briarcliff Hotel, at the corner of Ponce De Leon and Highland Ave, would occasionally host a radio broadcast . Since my daddy was a barber there, when the time came to have a little kid go on air to sing the Dunkin Donuts jingle, yours truly was chosen. I was 5, maybe 6 years old at the time.

    The jingle went like this; ‘ I like to dunk dunk dunkin dunkin donuts, cause they hold more coffee than the rest!’

    Sacrilege!

    Personally, I don’t think Dunkin Donuts can hold a candle to Krispy Kreme. If I wanted cake, I’d just as soon go buy one from a bakery.

    Reply
  4. Jason says

    April 26, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    I think I might have caught that pig flu that’s going around. Shit.

    Reply
  5. Amy says

    April 26, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    When I lived in Florida as a Kid there was a fast food restaurant calle WUVS and I did a commercial with my brother where we said “We love WUVS, love WUVS with us” say that three times fast 🙂

    Reply
  6. K(arla) says

    April 26, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    I’ve won lots of junk on the radio. I once won tickets to a Dennis DeYoung concert, and then he was sick and it kinda sucked.

    My sister was up visiting from Florida and had some kind of creeping crud. She finally felt so ill that she wanted to go to the emergency room. They put us in a room with a lady sitting upright in a chair and pulled the curtain between us. I’m so paranoid about germs that I whispered to my sister that I hoped she didn’t have something dreadful. My sister, in the meantime, is hacking up a lung and being run through many tests. Finally, the room grew so quiet I thought the lady next door was gone. I peeked around the corner and she had pulled her blanket up over her nose and mouth, afraid of what my sister had! Of course I started asking my sister how she enjoyed her trip to the Orient, and if she had gotten to tour the poultry plant before she left.

    Reply
  7. Joe T. says

    April 27, 2009 at 6:23 am

    @ Qweezy Mark….”The Lonliest Runner” w/ Michael Landon……..LOL, and made me piss my pants.

    Reply
  8. scott says

    April 27, 2009 at 11:49 am

    My wife was an intern at a Tampa radio station. One night when I was visiting, I convinced her to flash her boobs at the DJ from the producer’s booth. We found out your can’t say “HOLY SHIT” on the air.

    Reply
  9. ZAZU the Pitts says

    April 27, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    How about Grit?

    There is grit on every kitchen floor….

    Reply
  10. Pagan says

    April 27, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Jason, maybe this is natures way of telling you to stop sleeping with PIGS!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  11. Sonny in NH says

    April 28, 2009 at 10:45 am

    Jason,
    really….never sleep with a pig…they’ll squeal on you everytime!

    Reply
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