Many months ago I volunteered for a project at work which was supposed to be completed by December 9, 2011. Since it was so radically delayed, I’d almost forgotten about it. Apparently it wasn’t so important, after all? Oh well.
But on Thursday of last week – the first day of my weekend – I received a frantic text message saying it was a go, and we needed to get started on it RIGHT AWAY. I had multiple things going on last weekend, including a swim team banquet, and I couldn’t change my plans on the fly. They seemed slightly annoyed.
However, I started it this week, and it’s going to be a giant time-suck. I’ve worked about 25 hours overtime since Monday, and will probably be doing that for a couple of months. Maybe it won’t take that long… but it’s how it looks from this vantage point.
And it’ll probably screw things up around here for a while. I’ll try to maintain, but please know that I might not be able to update as often as usual. I’m going to be living at work until we get this shit knocked out, and there’s only two of us trained on the system.
So, don’t think I’ve abandoned you guys… I’ll just be at my job, crying softly into a keyboard.
On Friday I’m going to my first doctor’s appointment in roughly eight years. It’s just a check-up. My blood pressure has been a bit elevated the last couple of times, and I thought it might be a good idea to involve a doctor in my ridiculous life.
Of course I’m concerned that something will be twisted into my ass during this appointment, but Toney tells me I’m out of my mind. She also gets irritated with me, and says, “What are you, thirteen years old? Why are you so fixated on your ass?” I don’t know what age has to do with it. I’m thoroughly confused by that statement.
Heck, I’m in my late 40s. Aren’t those the ass years?! I WISH I was thirteen. They leave your butt alone when you’re thirteen. Unless you’re at Penn State, of course, but that’s another story… I’m convinced I’ll be bent over a table, and something will go up the exit ramp – for the first time ever. It’s traumatic, just thinking about it.
Toney just rolls her eyes and thinks I’m an idiot. But a few days ago I asked her where this doctor’s office is located, and she said (get this!), “Right here in town, in that building next to Jiffy Lube.”
Jiffy Lube! What the?! If I go there, and see a pipeline running into the medical building, I’m turning around and leaving. My ass appointment is going to take place next door to an outfit that specializes in lubrication?! This information did nothing to make me any feel better.
I just know I’m going to be walking around with a wad of toilet paper pressed against my weeping anus all Friday afternoon and evening. Good god.
A few nights ago I stopped at Wal-Mart on my way home from work, at 1:30 a.m. I needed some toiletry items, and a box o’ Little Debbies. And the place was pandemonium.
About once a month I go there in the middle of the night, to pick up something on my way home. And it’s usually abandoned, except for the stockers and the guys buffing the floor (always with the buffing!). But on this night it was full of shoppers – many with young kids.
I don’t understand this. There were quite a few grade school-aged children running around in there. I know they’re probably out of school because of so-called spring break, but still. It was 1:30 in the morning. And their big mamas and potbelly papas were hollering at them, just like it was a Saturday afternoon. “No, Colt! Put that down!! Colt! COLT!! I said put that down now!!!”
There were three registers open, with a long line at each. I sighed loudly and fell in behind two Indian guys. They had a lot of kitchen stuff, including a dish drainer. And they were talking about some unknown celebrity on the cover of a magazine in a nearby rack. Clearly, they wanted to mount her.
Finally another check-out was opened, and I moved toward it. But some woman and her hick-ass husband sprinted over there, with their overflowing shopping cart. I had three items in my hands, and they had a full week’s shop on wheels. And they ran to get in front of me. I couldn’t believe it.
I stood and watched all their crap being processed by the cashier. Loads and loads of off-brand soda… frozen pizzas… baloney… a Night Ranger CD…. I was fuming, but the guy looked like he made a living digging ditches, with a ditch-digging physique to match. So, I kept my mouth shut.
At the end it was something like $257, and he peeled off a shitload of twenties from a giant wad, and paid in cash. Hey, who the hell knows?
As I (finally!) moved toward the cash register with my three items, some little buzzcut hicklet came careening out of nowhere, and hit me from behind. I wasn’t prepared, and almost went down. It wasn’t on purpose, he was rough-housing with his protruding-forehead brother and ran into me. But I was PISSED, anyway.
After I regained my footing I turned around, ready to let the chips fall where they may. This was enough already. It was 1:30 in the morning and the white trash fiesta was still in full swing at Wal-Mart. I was ready to do battle.
But the two dumplin’ children didn’t say a word to me, and just ran away, still squealing and screaming. Their parents were nowhere near. I looked around for someone I could share my aggravation with, but nobody would make eye contact; they were just staring straight ahead with no expressions. Except for the two Indian guys who now had the magazine open, and looked like they were both about to take out their wieners.
“Wild in here tonight, isn’t it?” I said to the cashier. But she just grunted, and told me my total. Highly unsatisfactory….
You guys have yourselves a great weekend. I didn’t really have a Question prepared. But since we’re talking about Wal-Mart… let’s revisit an old classic. What do you say?
In the comments section, please list three unrelated items you could purchase at a Super Wal-Mart (with groceries). You know, crazy combinations of things. Like lettuce, diabetes hosiery, and bullets. Or underwear, cole slaw, and birdbath. You get the idea…
I’ll be back soon, probably Monday.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he could really use a beer
Thanks Easter bunny!
Chuck in Belpre says
I laughed out loud several times at this one. Thanks, Jeff. I had a wild-ass experience with a pet obsessed woman yesterday and needed the laugh.
hot fuzz says
Our grocery store experimented with 24 hour service. I was the only customer in a good size store and actually didn’t run in to any employees for at east 10 minutes. This was at about 3:30 in the morning (weekly insomnia). The music was loud and gave a kind kind of unbalanced vibe when added to the feeling of abandonment. For a while there, I WAS Legend.
They’ve since rolled back to closing at midnight but I did go a few more times before that happened…just for that weird vibe.
I had someone roll in to me once but it was in Costco not WM. We were in the exit line to get our black marker stripe on our receipt (why? and has anyone ever not received a stripe??). The guy behind me hit me with the front bumper on his cart, Right on the ankle bone/nerve are! I reacted like the proctologist forgot to lube up…
And speaking of lubing up…Jeff..if it is finger meet butthole time..just sit back and enjoy…I hear the stress relief from having your prostate massaged is delicious.
hot fuzz says
Wow, a lot of typos and doubled/missed words… if anyone needs the English translation, just drop me a line.. oh and I apologize for nothing.
you go into WalMart and are surprised to find trash? wtf? It’s the Capitol of Trash and Cheap Asses. Remember, that’s why their logo looks like a sphincter.
NEVER, EVER volunteer for anything…
No, I wasn’t surprised by the trash. I wrote the Wal-Mart Game, fergodsakes. What surprised me was the number of little kids in there, during the middle of the night.
condoms, orange juice, and Drano. I could see the cashier making an extra effort to remember my face.
hot fuzz says
plastic tarps and baby oil
preparation H, plunger, cowboy hat
duct tape, crow bar, tennis balls
Pringles potato chips, slingshot, eyeliner
Alli, tissues, Pre Stamped envelopes
Paper towels, tires & a dress.
I just visited my doctor yesterday for the annual check-up. He said that I was the only patient he had seen all week that didn’t come in for some health problem.
I significantly cut back on alcohol consumption recently… now I’m only drinking a couple of nights each week. I’m amazed at what it’s done for my health. My weight is down 6 pounds, my blood pressure is lower, and I’m falling asleep at a “normal” time (midnight vs. the usual 3am).
By the way, my doctor sent me home with some sort of poop card… apparently I have to rub three samples of my poop onto the card, and then I mail it to a testing lab. But I’m not sure how I’m supposed to collect the poop samples.
File this under it sucks to get old: Be inventive! If you don’t do this (and pass) they bug you about having an invasive colonoscopy.
Colonoscopy wasn’t that bad. They said they would give me some drugs to “take the edge off”. I went out in mid sentence. Didn’t feel a thing, didn’t remember a thing. Sort of like my first wife……
Chuck in Belpre says
Chain saw, blue tarp, kitty litter.
Your Walmart excursion explanation…..you happened to arrive when the welfare checks(ie-EBT cards) recharged with funds at midnight. This is a newish phenomenon happening all over in 24 hr. Walmarts. The EBT carded folks descend on Walmarts at midnight to spend their govt. monies. Do a search online and you’ll find news stories about it.
Next time keep that in mind before you head to THE MART in the middle of the night!. We don’t need you whipping your hand through your hair or exploding an artery over this. And heaven forbid you stroke out at a Walmart….lol
This is probably true. I used to live in an apartment that was across the street from a mall, I learned to not shop at Zellers (Canadian style Target) on the first of the month because the store would be full of funky folks and there would be long line-ups of trash.
The Beaver says
Jeff, hope your doctor is not a large fingered type. The key is to relax and open up. If you don’t, it could let to an embarrassing prolapse condition and you will end up doing porn movies.
Casino or Call Center?
The best time EVER to shop at Walmart is during the Super Bowl. No one there but us and a whole bunch of those tiny little Guatamalans (why are they all so short?). It was truly a joyous experience. I try to limit my Walmart visits to no more than 3 a year, so I’m definitely going to plan one of these visits for the next Super Bowl.
Ovulation kit, Chicken Soup for the Coal Miner’s Soul, and frozen shoepeg corn
Phil Jett says
Usually, the small ones are not Guatamalans, but Mayans. Yes they still exist. If they are shorter with large foreheads you have yourself some Mayans.
Shotgun, chainsaw, gallon of whiskey
A cucumber, KY liquid, and a webcam.
Chuck in Belpre says
That’s a small-business starter kit.
you will definitely get the finger this go round–sorry. not pleasant, three of my friends have discovered prostate cancer in their 40s and licked it–poor choice of words–but does Frank Zappa ring a bell?–it is not that bad–
I just had the finger for the first time a few days ago, and he was in and out so quickly I was almost disappointed. It kinda hurt my feelings. really, as he had so gently caressed my scrotum just a few minutes earlier.
WTF?? I hadn’t even considered the nut roll. Now I’ve got something else to worry about.
Don’t worry, just consider it foreplay! Just don’t get a boner.
While not at the finger exploration age just yet, I have a female doctor for just such an eventuality. At least I won’t have any jeff kay angst if I do end up standing at attention. Hopefully she does not farm that out to some ass specialist and ruin my carefully laid plans…
Miss Q says
Hilarious, Alex. Mr. Q also has a female doctor for just such an eventuality.
I will bet you a dollar you get wood to compound the embaressment.
OMG. I don’t care who you are…this is some FUNNY shit!!!
Bill in WV says
If the muzak in the office is Andy Williams’ “Moon River” – RUN !!!!!!!!
Great story about Walmart – an accurately portrayed slice of hell. Actually the Walmart closest to me is not so bad – smaller, newer, always with plenty of cashiers. It’s almost like a Target. The others are God-forsaken hell holes.
I’m going in for the “telescope in the ass” procedure pretty soon, and I’m looking forward to it. If there’s something up in there that needs to be evicted, the sooner the better, and I can transfer my hypochondria to some other area.
Big Can of Succotash, Justin Bieber Poster, Shaving Bump Lotion
Miss Q says
Your new Wal-Mart is “almost like a Target” …. for now. It will change, Ed. Oh, it will change.
Pickled beets, miracle whip, hamster bedding.
The Qweezy Mark says
Ahhhhh, the sweet diaper scented annoying minutiae of everyday life, and the witticisms of, are the very reason I’ve returned here for going on a decade now.
Deodorant, , pears, and Peter Pan on DVD.
My favorite store is open 7X24, and is a delight at 0200. I”ve never been inside a Wal-Mart and continue to believe that life is way too short to do so.
But it doesn’t require a great deal of imagination to know what they sell, so…
A Die-Hard battery, a hard drive, and Stay-Hard Cream.
Phil Jett says
Condoms, Listerine and Cheese Whiz
When I wrecked my truck the doctor at the ER stuck a finger in to check for some kind of damage. The worst part about it was waiting to get the jelly off.
I was looking at the people of walmart website featuring champion geeks and freaks and there was a old friend. Now what the fuck?
Docs frequently enjoy musical accompaniment, so while he’s lubing up, jjust sing the first verse…
When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark
thanks, jtb. I just read this while answering the phone and i laughed in some lady’s ear.
The lady happened to be my boss’ wife!
A plunger, a cake server and a Simplicity dress pattern.
Miss Q says
A pack of D batteries, 8 feet of rope, and a gallon of Crisco oil
Sitting here at lunch with one of my co-workers and I’m reading these hilarious comments. She relays this Wally World story to me….
Ahead of her in the checkout line is a guy weighing in at no less than 400. A mullet hair cut with the tail portion tied into a ponytail that trailed down to his ass. He is in line with one item…a jumbo box of condoms. As she is walking to her car, she watches him pull out in a hearse.
Party hats, Preparation H, grapes
Ping-Pong Balls, catcher’s mitt, face shield
Walmart comment from my mum from earlier today re some land whale she had to navigate around: Her ass hung down to her knees. (said with discust and revulsion). Haha! Go Mom!
Jeff, havn’t you got call display? WTF you answering the phone for anyway? Do they pay you extra to be on call? If not, learn to ‘not be home’.
Bill in WV says
A set of Monroe shock absorbers, Brylcream and a 32oz tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
ribbed weiner wrapper, cantelope, disposable razor.
“Mr. Kay…would you please remove your pants and underwear and lean over that table…on a slant”.
There is a new Super Wal-Mart very clsoe to my house, in the space where the Home Depot Expo (RIP) used to be. I’m going to see how long I can go without setting foot in it.
Three things you *can’t* get at Wal-Mart: a fresh bagel, a shot of espresso and Landjaeger. Correct me if I’m wrong.
I had an adventure in a New Orleans Walmart this weekend and saw innumerable children and adults freewheeling and hollering at each other (on Easter!). More unexpected though was getting stuck behind a disgusting amorous couple at the movie theatre. Got to watch Hunger Games and a dimly lit couple finger banging and talking their way through the whole goddamned movie. I need a Xanax to go out in public these days.