On Tuesday evening I received my “book” back from the formatter, and it’s exciting to see it coming together like this. She did a fantastic job, and it looks as good as anything produced by a traditional publisher. In fact, she used to work in that world.
When we started the process she asked if I had any requests or preferences, and I told her I know nothing. So, she took the first chapter and formatted it in two different styles, and I gave her my feedback. Now she’s finished with the whole manuscript, and is adding the front and back matter (copyright info, disclaimer, etc.).
Once I give her a final, jittery thumbs-up on it, she will create the two electronic versions (Kindle and ePub), and I’ll be ready to go. The ePub format is used by Nook, Sony eReader, Apple’s iBooks, and others. So, I’ll be able to offer it in many places, if I choose.
And yes, there will definitely be a physical book available. It’ll be a trade paperback printed by CreateSpace, a tentacle of the ever-expanding Amazon empire. I own several books produced by them, and they make a quality product.
The cover is being finalized now by the Evil Twin, and it’s also a thing of beauty. I’ll show it to you guys, ASAP.
I’m excited. It’s all coming into focus.
And speaking of Kindle, I’m almost finished reading my first book on the device. It’s a self-published effort (I thought it was appropriate to start with an indie), called Run by Blake Crouch.
Run is a thriller, along the lines of Dean Koontz, and is a hell of a good time. It amazes me that no traditional publisher would buy it. I mean, seriously. Read it, and you’ll see what I’m talking about. The thing is well-written, suspenseful, and relentless.
People who are in a position to know what they’re talking about have repeatedly told me that publishers are taking no chances on new authors right now. You know, on account o’ the sucking economy. Since I’m big into self-loathing, though, I naturally suspected they were just softening the blow after my book wasn’t sold.
But Run makes me feel better. Clearly, it’s difficult to sell a work of fiction at this point in our history, unless you’re Stephen King or John Grisham, or the like. Check it out if you have a Kindle or a Nook. I think you’ll enjoy it.
I have no further word from Nancy’s House of Soy, down souf. I’m not sure how they’re coping with the terrific hell unleashed by the one-hour time change this past weekend. I’m picturing Nostrils as Jack Nicholson about halfway through The Shining by now.
But I was wondering… do you bother changing all your clocks? I’m a little lazy with it, if you want to know the truth. Toney went around and changed them all on Sunday morning, but the two under my control haven’t been touched. I just adapt, and mentally add an hour. Is that so wrong?
In fact, I don’t even know how to change the clock in my car. It’ll either stay as it is until it’s correct again, or Toney will get exasperated and change it for me. I can live with either scenario.
Have you changed all your clocks, or do you just make adjustments in your mind, like me? Heh.
Our front yard was covered by a two foot-deep snowpack for most of the winter, and it’s finally melting. There are still a few stray patches, but 90% is now gone.
And it’s a full-on turd fiesta out there. Andy (Blacklips Houlihan) has been crapping up the joint and burying it, but now everything’s out in the open air. It’s like the ruins of Pompeii, a defecation excavation. Months-worth of freeze-dried, perfectly preserved shitlogs are being reanimated by the sun, and we have a situation on our hands.
I guess I should go out there now, while everything is still firm and semi-frozen, right? Yeah, but I can’t really see that happening. Maybe I’ll send the Secrets out with baskets, and tell them to pick a bushel of poop each? That would probably be a good start.
I’ll leave you now with a Question inspired by Adam Carolla. A few nights ago, on his podcast, he was talking about the phrases he has coined, which ended up being listed at UrbanDictionary. And it got me to wondering… are there any Surf Report words or phrases on that site?
I’m not very familiar with UrbanDictionary, but I did consult it a few weeks ago when somebody at work used the phrase “Jewish lightning.” WTF?
Anyway, I’d like to know what Surf Report words ‘n’ phrases should be listed there. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be stuff I’ve written, it can be great things from the comments section, too. Like, “smells like a vagina full of bad decisions.”
So, there you go. Let’s create a master list, what do you say?
And I’ll be back on Sunday or Monday, depending on my mood and energy level.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he requires a beer
first—-tool!
Is that anything like a Jewish Screwdriver?
Third. Never made the top ten before.
“Sphincter Lock”
“I about dropped a rectal plate”
Doucheketeer – this was the first, and only, place I’ve heard that particular word.
I concur. Should be UrbanDictionarized.
Absolutely!
Doucheketeer – absolutely!
I have to change my clocks, otherwise I forget that they are not correct, then have a mild heart attack when I look and see I’m an hour late for something.
Good news on the book!
I have a travel clock in my bathroom — I cannot change the time on it. It’s also 8 minutes fast so I have to add the hour and then subtract the 8 minutes.
Assplosion!!
‘…deep and on a slant.’
I set all clocks to the atomic clock in Colorado. I know. I just can’t stand having 2 or more clocks that don’t agree. It’s part of an ever growing neurosis.
My husband is OCD about our clocks, too. We have a couple that set themselves via radio signal, then he sets all the others to match those.
I have a couple of OCD clocks. They’re really easy to read.
jtb
I got an atomic clock from Hammacher Schlemmer and it was the biggest kick in the balls ever. Piece of shit won’t change over for DST and there’s no way to set it yourself.
I currently live in a place that doesn’t change time, so you’re in one time zone one day and another the next – this has been my first year here and it totally messed with my head.
I’m proud to say that “assrabbit” has made its way onto urbandictionary. “Asshat” is also on there.
I set my clocks back, but I never set them forward. In 24 short years I’ll have a full day on the rest of you fools.
I’ve seen a truck putting around town and they’re in the business of cleaning dog shit from people’s yards. For a fee they go pick up all the dog shit in your yard once a week, or whatever. Maybe you should see if there’s a similar service in your area?
I feed my dog condoms, that way when he shits it’s already in a bag.
George Carlin had a routine where he said he would feed his dog lots of rubber bands…so that when they shit, the turds would have a little loop on the end of them, and he could just fling them into the neighbor’s yard.
I mentioned this a week or so ago, but “asshat” was used on an episode of “Being Human”. The only other place I’d heard it was here, or from the friends I spread it to. Did it originate here?
I had seen “asshat” elsewhere before Jeff used it here on the Surf Report, but I think Jeff uses it better than anyone else. 🙂
“I feed my dog condoms, that way when he shits it’s already in a bag”……..simply awesome.
Yesterday, I figured out how to set the clock in my car so that it is accurate to the second. It’s only taken me 14 years to figure it out.
I changed all my clocks. I don’t wear a watch any more, but there are two of them on my dresser, and this time I decided to not bother changing them. I probably should remove the batteries from them before they start oozing gunk.
May I add, the spring ahead isn’t a big job at all. The fall back is a much bigger deal.
Fall back blows. If your clock has a separate “hours” button it’s not so bad, but when you have to do that “ahead 23 hours” thing, it sucks, because now you’re about 45 seconds off by the time it goes all the way around to that. So it takes another good couple of minutes to get THAT all straightened out. Life is too short for this sort of hassle.
And another thing: since we’re on daylight saving for most of the year now, wouldn’t it make sense to change everything to DST and leave them? Then you would only be wrong for 4 months of the year.
Or we could just do away with DST all together, you know, since we have electricity now and everything.
Cue my semi-annual “standard, daylight, split the difference, pick something else altogether, I really don’t care, just pick something and STICK WITH IT” rant. There is no sense to all the hassle, confusion, etc., of the changeover.
I changed my bedside/alarm clock without the instructions– just clueless. John’s changes automatically (how’d they do that?) I estimated the time wrong and it’s several minutes fast but I haven’t checked to see exactly how many. On Monday I accidentally woke up at 6:15 (whatever time that really was) and realized I hadn’t set the alarm–dumb ass. Lots of running around shrieking and a lick and a promise shower. Some good came of it, though. I’ve been getting to work earlier than usual since I haven’t learned to compensate for the wrong time. It’s coming I’m sure.
Buzzcut hicklets!
That’s what I was gonna say! That and Dropped a rectal plate. Both give me cringe worthy mental images!
amen to doing away with DST!
FYI they named the building the “Citizens Square” in Ft. Wayne much to the dismay of Harry Baals fans everywhere.
Thanks for the update, our local rock station in Ottawa, Canada has been following the Harry Baals debate very closely.
Morgantown is a beautiful town if you don’t count those half naked girls puking on the sidewalk with no shoes on when it it snowing.
Now that’s funny.
Re: Morgantown. I decided not to move there. Is there a level piece of ground anywhere? A real estate agent (on the elderly side), refused to take me to a couple of properties because they were practically dangling from cliffs. She said she was afraid she’s kill herself going up there and back. Funny she never said that she was afraid of killing me.
If “turd derby’ isn’t in the UD, it should be.
I never need to know what time it is. I’m retired.
AND I own a Harley.
Oh yeah.
Every clock in the house has been reset except for the one on my side of the bed. I don’t know how to work the damn thing and I don’t care enough to figure it out. I’m not really sure why I have an alarm clock on my side of the bed since I use my husbands for my alarm and if I want to know what time it is I always sit up in bed and look at his.
Look at his what?
jtb
That’s what she said.
His sundial? I’m guessing.
http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=rimshot
This is a riot! Find the most distressing news story on TV, death destruction, etc., then do a rimshot after each sentence. God, I’m sick.
Long-time reader, first time commenter here!
On a random note, I was on an insufferably long line at Kohl’s about 2 weeks ago. The kids behind me (about 14-17, tops) were genuinely claiming they coined the phrase “shitting bricks”. I wanted to turn around and smack them. I am 24 and have like 5 gray hairs! These little punks think they actually coined the term “shitting bricks”. Luckily I had my own, personal “vitamins” and just decided to get on another line. The youth these days…
Reminds me of the time I convinced the two teenage girls behind me who were buying ice cream that Jerry Garcia was gay. Why do you think they call it “Cherry Jerry”?
Which also reminds me of the time two other teenage girls behind me were discussing the best form of birth control. My interjection was “Don’t shave your legs”
“Jewish Lightning” refers to a house or business that had a “fire” in it to collect the insurnance money. “See that? Dave’s Tavern – it was hit with (conspiratorial whisper) “Jewish Lightining” last week.”
Fuck this DST. Let’s do away with this crap.
Buzzcut hicklet gets my vote!
And, because a lot of you seemed to enjoy it, I’m throwing one of mine in the ring:
fucklebug.
Two old guys from New York City were laying on lounge chairs on the beach in Florida. The first guy says to the other, “So, what brings you to Florida?”
The second guy says, “Ahhh, my business in New York was destroyed by fire so I decided to move down here and retire. What brings you to Florida?”
First guy says, “Ahhhh, my business was destroyed by a flood, so I decided to move down to Florida and retire.”
Second guy says, “Flood? How do start a flood?”
Good one.
I have to set all the clocks for the “correct” time. They are all set slightly off, by about 8 minutes or so, because I am always late. The thing is that they cannot all be 8 minutes fast because I will then give myself time to do that last chore or whatever that ends up making me late. So they are all off one direction or the other by a few minutes so i never really know what time it actually is. My fiance thinks I am completely insane. i am sure he is right. but it works for me.
The clocks in my house are the same way. Each one is fast, but by a different amount. It drives my husband crazy. The only one that is correct is above the TV, and it’s the last one I see on my way out the door.
the only clock a woman needs to worry about is the one on the stove.
Damn this clock-changing-industrial-complex!
Jeff,
Great news on the book! Very exciting.
We can thank Ben Muthafuckin Franklin for the time change crap. It was his “great” idea.
I have two watches, so my arms will weigh the same, and I never change them. They both say it’s about 4:30 right now, but I think the actual time is about 2:30. Time is just a thing. I don’t give a fuck about it, and it don’t give a fuck about me.
I’ve written a couple of “books” (shittily done, xerox copied) and I’ve sold a few. I sold 8 just last month. Yeah, the IRS is all over me.
It was a great idea, back when everything was lit with candles.
Right, back when we were burning sperm whale oil. But God, this is the two thousands. We should bury this shitpot idea.
Jeffisims: Doucheketeer, assplosion, dropped a rectal plate, retard with a toothache (my personal favorite), all seem to be unique to WVSR, but may also be regional expressions. Asshat is common on FARK.
Clocks: The only clock I need to change is in the car. The rest, including computers, cell phones, cable box, etc., all update automatically.
Personally I’m ok with DST as it gives me another hour of light at the end of the day when I can actually enjoy it. The alternative is to change my work hours in the summer, which would amount to untold chaos. As it is we close one hour early on Fridays between May and September and the way some of my clients react you’d think we were anally raping baby Jesus.
I also like ‘assholes whooping’ to describe any half-shirt neighbors PBR fueled bbq’s/family reunions/receptions/etc.
The only clock that changes automatically is my blackberry. Everything else is manual and is usually forgotten about until I think I’m late or, God forbid, got up an hour too early.
Our back yard is torn to shreds. Dead tree limbs….. empty water bottles our american bulldog uses as toys surfacing from melted snow….mud..tons of mud….and do you need some dog turds to fill paper bags for burning on people’s porches for Halloween? Let me know. Wanna send someone a gift of dog shit in a Cool Whip container? I’ll even gift wrap it and mail it for you. Our yard is a sea of shit.
My female pug is 13/14 years old. Her little ass end has a mind of its own. On tile floors, she’s like a deer on ice. So..her hind legs aren’t strong enough to hold herself up for pooping purposes. Now, she just poops as she walks. Where ever. Whenever. I always know where she is. Just follow the popcorn trail of turds.
i too have an american bulldog, best dogs ever in my opinion.
I usually concern myself with three clocks, the grand father clock, the vcr, and my wristwatch. Everything else gets changed eventually.
So why don’t you clean up the turd fiesta as they occur thru the winter? A lot easier to wrangle frozen turds than reconstituted spring sliders. I was only lazy one year, that was enough to keep me from letting them sit the course ever again.
You would think that would be the most logical thing to do. But it’s one of those jobs you keep thinking…I’ll do it “tomorrow”. Then before you know it, you’re “tip toeing through the tulips”
VCR? Seriously? You do know that you can get new porn, right?
lol i was just gonna say the same thing, a vcr??
It’ll please you guys to know I also have a fully functional Sony Beta machine as well. Morethanoneactually…
Thats my point exactly, it only takes one year of tiptoeing trrough the tulips to make sure you don’t need to do that again.
You’ve probably never been divorced if you have all that old stuff. Some-woman-took-all-my-shit is the only reason I’ve sorta kept up with technology.
I certainly hope the wvsr gets credit for “crap in a bundt pan.”………
i had a time-changing marathon last week. i went from Eastern Time to Central Time, setting my watch back an hour, then had to change my watch forward to compensate for Daylight Savings Time, then set my watch back to Eastern Time when I came home.
I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters…..
only 2 clocks in my household that need manually adjusted for DST. I usually take care of them on Sunday morning. The rest reset themselves automagically….
As far as WVSR / Kayisms, I’m particular to a “tiny seahorse shaped shitlet”.
the measure of a “metric shit ton”.
When it’s a particularly bad day, it “ate it from the ass in”.
I’m sure I’ll think of more
Make sure those disclaimers are air tight.
I use Douchenozzel at parties all of the time. Great conversation starter.
I heard Adam Carolla use “douchenozzle” in the early aught years when he as on with Dr Drew. Great minds…
“Douchenozzle” is not new, but it’s a classic always-funny. I saw it in National Lampoon sometime in the 1970s.
.
best of luck on the book Jeff!
What do you think of the Kindle?
Forgive me for being all late and wrong, here. I’ve been doing…other things…
Love all the Surf Report terminology. As for the dog poo issues, that’s why I’ve always let ’em go in the house. I’m very concerned with the classy appearance of my lawn.
And Astroturf’s fuckin’ expensive.
Whistle dick.
Jingleballs
We could start a band.
It took as a few days, but now all the clocks in the house have sprung forward. Even did the one in my car on the way to work this morning.
Here’s a phrase for the Urban Dictionary: “dormancy platform”. The only place I’ve seen it is here at the Surf Report. Gotta agree with “doucheketeer” as well.
“And it’s a full-on turd fiesta out there. Andy (Blacklips Houlihan) has been crapping up the joint and burying it, but now everything’s out in the open air. It’s like the ruins of Pompeii, a defecation excavation. Months-worth of freeze-dried, perfectly preserved shitlogs are being reanimated by the sun, and we have a situation on our hands.” That’s worth the two day wait.
I hate the time change. I always want to stay up an hour later but never want to get up on time. I know it’s just an hour but damn! If I say anymore it will sound like I’m bitching so I’ll stop here.
I have one clock that is “Atomic”. I start there and as the minute changes, I start a stop watch. I then make the rounds to the rest of the clocks in the house changing them on the nearest “minute” so they all match.
I have to break out the manual to figure how to change the clock in the wife’s car everytime I do it.
I say sick the kids on the the turds.
FMPs
Good to hear the book will be in hardcopy form. That way as I read the pages I can tear them out and wipe my ass with them on the shitter er, “reading room.”
Oh–and urbanize dictionary this: BUCK OUT
i hate the time changes, just thinking about it gives me a panic attack.
I liked “retard at a taffy pull” myself. Not to mention “a bowl of corn, motherfuckers”.
.
My current favorite is “asshole jamboree”.
mine too!!
Oh…that’s fantastic!! I’m adding that to my list and using it as often as possible!!
FYI, Jeff used it while enduring an exasperating trip to McDonald’s (a must read):
http://thewvsr.com/index.php/a-review-of-my-most-recent-visit-to-mcdonalds/
I re-read that a couple of weeks ago and laughed out loud and re-read it today and laughed out loud. Some Jeff’s finest work in my opinion.
Definitely one of his very best. How can you not burst out laughing?
“The man appeared to have been digging ditches since November of 1983, and had a head the size of a softball. All his features were bunched together into one small area of his face, despite the shocking smallness of his overall head.”
Classic!
This side of the pond we have Rogers Profanisaurus. Of which these were lifted:
Beaten like a ginger stepchild
Face like an easter island statue with an arse full of razorblades
Happy as a cat with a strawberry flavoured arse
Pale as a nuns tits
As much use as Anne Frank’s drum kit
Anyone know how I get my WiFi set up on the Kindle? I’m having trouble getting it to connect to my neighbors non-secured line. And since I’m much too busy to read the instructions I figured I’d just bother you folks who are bored at work and like being helpful.
The Wireless Security Password (encryption key) is default the ESN/MEID in decimal form. To find it do the following:
1.Remove the battery cover.
2.Remove the battery.
3.Locate the ESN.
4.Replace the battery.
5.Replace the battery cover.
I don’t think my Kindle has a battery cover?
At least not one I can remove. Also, I’m not very good with decimals, I may need some help if I figure oout where the battery cover is.
Here’s a video at Amazon.
Damn I feel old when I do that.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/help/customer/display.html?nodeId=200505540&#setupwifi
Or do this:
To connect to a Wi-Fi network:
Press the Home button, then press the Menu button.
Navigate to “Settings” by moving the 5-way controller down, then press the 5-way controller to select.
Select “view” next to “Wi-Fi Settings” to display a list of detected Wi-Fi networks. You may have to wait a moment as your Kindle detects networks in range. Kindle automatically scans for available Wi-Fi networks at periodic intervals. To rescan for available networks at any time, select “rescan.”
Select “connect” to connect to a network. If you see a lock symbol next to “connect,” the network requires a password to connect.
If necessary, enter the Wi-Fi network password, and choose “submit.” Press the Symbol key to enter numbers or characters not present on the Kindle keyboard.
Wow, that’s why I didn’t read the instructions. If you lived a little closer I’d bring it over so you could show me.
Actually I did all that and it tells me I need to configure my do hinky for blah blah then I just get bored and turn it off.
Thanks for your time Chuck.
Nothing to it…just a copy and paste from Amazon’s site.
None of my books even have batteries.
Most of mine don’t either. Grrr…