On Tuesday evening I received my “book” back from the formatter, and it’s exciting to see it coming together like this. She did a fantastic job, and it looks as good as anything produced by a traditional publisher. In fact, she used to work in that world.
When we started the process she asked if I had any requests or preferences, and I told her I know nothing. So, she took the first chapter and formatted it in two different styles, and I gave her my feedback. Now she’s finished with the whole manuscript, and is adding the front and back matter (copyright info, disclaimer, etc.).
Once I give her a final, jittery thumbs-up on it, she will create the two electronic versions (Kindle and ePub), and I’ll be ready to go. The ePub format is used by Nook, Sony eReader, Apple’s iBooks, and others. So, I’ll be able to offer it in many places, if I choose.
And yes, there will definitely be a physical book available. It’ll be a trade paperback printed by CreateSpace, a tentacle of the ever-expanding Amazon empire. I own several books produced by them, and they make a quality product.
The cover is being finalized now by the Evil Twin, and it’s also a thing of beauty. I’ll show it to you guys, ASAP.
I’m excited. It’s all coming into focus.
And speaking of Kindle, I’m almost finished reading my first book on the device. It’s a self-published effort (I thought it was appropriate to start with an indie), called Run by Blake Crouch.
Run is a thriller, along the lines of Dean Koontz, and is a hell of a good time. It amazes me that no traditional publisher would buy it. I mean, seriously. Read it, and you’ll see what I’m talking about. The thing is well-written, suspenseful, and relentless.
People who are in a position to know what they’re talking about have repeatedly told me that publishers are taking no chances on new authors right now. You know, on account o’ the sucking economy. Since I’m big into self-loathing, though, I naturally suspected they were just softening the blow after my book wasn’t sold.
But Run makes me feel better. Clearly, it’s difficult to sell a work of fiction at this point in our history, unless you’re Stephen King or John Grisham, or the like. Check it out if you have a Kindle or a Nook. I think you’ll enjoy it.
I have no further word from Nancy’s House of Soy, down souf. I’m not sure how they’re coping with the terrific hell unleashed by the one-hour time change this past weekend. I’m picturing Nostrils as Jack Nicholson about halfway through The Shining by now.
But I was wondering… do you bother changing all your clocks? I’m a little lazy with it, if you want to know the truth. Toney went around and changed them all on Sunday morning, but the two under my control haven’t been touched. I just adapt, and mentally add an hour. Is that so wrong?
In fact, I don’t even know how to change the clock in my car. It’ll either stay as it is until it’s correct again, or Toney will get exasperated and change it for me. I can live with either scenario.
Have you changed all your clocks, or do you just make adjustments in your mind, like me? Heh.
Our front yard was covered by a two foot-deep snowpack for most of the winter, and it’s finally melting. There are still a few stray patches, but 90% is now gone.
And it’s a full-on turd fiesta out there. Andy (Blacklips Houlihan) has been crapping up the joint and burying it, but now everything’s out in the open air. It’s like the ruins of Pompeii, a defecation excavation. Months-worth of freeze-dried, perfectly preserved shitlogs are being reanimated by the sun, and we have a situation on our hands.
I guess I should go out there now, while everything is still firm and semi-frozen, right? Yeah, but I can’t really see that happening. Maybe I’ll send the Secrets out with baskets, and tell them to pick a bushel of poop each? That would probably be a good start.
I’ll leave you now with a Question inspired by Adam Carolla. A few nights ago, on his podcast, he was talking about the phrases he has coined, which ended up being listed at UrbanDictionary. And it got me to wondering… are there any Surf Report words or phrases on that site?
I’m not very familiar with UrbanDictionary, but I did consult it a few weeks ago when somebody at work used the phrase “Jewish lightning.” WTF?
Anyway, I’d like to know what Surf Report words ‘n’ phrases should be listed there. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be stuff I’ve written, it can be great things from the comments section, too. Like, “smells like a vagina full of bad decisions.”
So, there you go. Let’s create a master list, what do you say?
And I’ll be back on Sunday or Monday, depending on my mood and energy level.
See ya then!
Now playing in the bunker
Buy Jeff a beer, he requires a beer
This Tweety & Sylvester t-shirt wearing chick in my office keep saying “TTFN” every time someone leaves the office. If not for the fear of seeing what’s beneath that shirt I would tear it off her torso and shove it so far down her throat that she could use it to wipe her ass with from the inside.
T. Farty McAppleass says
I just googled that and now I’m madder than hell. “Ta Ta For Now!” Go cut her brake lines man, seriously.
WB in OH says
Or get her a pair concrete shoes and take her swimming.
or get a beehive and go all buzzcunt on her.
Ask her WTF, then tell her to GTFO, and if she doesn’t, go all GTA on her ass.
Break her collar bones with a wooden mallet. Put a meat hook in her mouth and yank her jaw off. Once her arms are draped down to her ankles and her jaw is pulled off, strap her ankles to a block of wood and smash her feet across (like in “Misery”). Then, and only then, can you tell her what she did wrong. That’ll cure her.
Speaking of kindles, I just ordered one from Amazon (thru this site of course). I think I’ll give the book “Run” a try as Jeff Suggested, as it is only 3 bucks and has great reviews. Crossroads Road, however, must be in physical, autographical form.
I might need to go to Kings Island this year. I hear they are opening jurassic park there. I’ve always wanted to see two dinosaurs humping.
I think it’s cool to compile all the Kayisms Jeff has created over the years; it’s a nice catalog. But Jeff is one of those writers who has the ability to surprise me, so for me the funniest Kayism is always the next one.
Wisey in Ttown says
OMG! 111 responses and no one mentioned “thick piss”????
By the way, tweeting is still gay.
Wisey in Ttown says
Jeff, deep down you know it is…..
After initial missile and air strikes, Gadhafi said that even the children of Libya were ready to die for him. I rarely pay attention to a dictator who never spells his name the same way twice.
Not to mention he’s been a colonel for like 40 years. That means he’s been passed over for promotion a few times at least.
“The USA is HresponsibHlle”’ …”for my non-promotion…”
I’m blamin it all/
On the Nights on Broadway/
Singing those love songs/
Singing those- straight to the MURDER of my FUCKIN’ NEMESIS’ songs…/
Blamin’ it all/
On the Nights on Broadway…
Gadhafi’s love of the Bee Gees … may not help his cause.
you don’t know what it’s like… to love somebody…
The guy is obviously in-fucking-sane. He doesn’t even have the sense to promote himself beyond Colonel.
I got bombed last night and liberated myself.
So the sis of your “book yenta” lives near me, and mention’s your blog every time I see her. We giggle at your words like stoned teenagers in church. Congrats on the new book.
T. Farty McAppleass says
Has anyone ever seen “Country Fried Stings”? I think it’s fake. It must be fake. This bald guy and his crew work as private investigators and they find the weirdest shit. One guy hired them to check on his wife because he thought she was cheating on him. Turns out she was cheating on him – with his ex-wife. And they just busted a midget drug dealer. There’s always hookers involved. It seems too off the wall to be real.
They just caught a guy who was faking an injury. Turns out he was fucking his bosses’ wife. They tackled him in the front yard, naked.
It’s supposed to be reenactments of “real” events, thus the cheezy staged look it has. Same thing for “All Worked Up”.
T. Farty McAppleass says
That makes sense. I couldn’t imagine it being live and real. If some jackass came knocking on my door and rushed inside, he’d get a bullet to the brain.
“Smells like an erection”….
Was that one of Jeff’s?
The old site had a smiling guy in the sidebar, captioned “is that an erection I smell?” Also a bowl of corn, captioned “a bowl of corn, motherfuckers”.
JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says