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Your Destination Is Not A Real Place

February 6, 2010 By Jeff 53 Comments

Today the Secrets had an AWAY swim meet, and Toney told me it was at a place we’d never been before.  And since we’ve been going to AWAY meets for years now, this was surprising.  How could it be possible?  Surely we’ve been everywhere by now?

No, I was told, this is a new team, just getting off the ground.  Nobody knows much about them, but they were somehow admitted into the league, and we’re swimming against them today.

Hey, whatever.  Just tell me where to point the hood of our car, and I’ll get us there.  It’s no skin off my scrote.

Yeah, but it turned out to be quite an ordeal…

Toney had directions printed from an email, and they took us way out in the boondocks.  Within twenty minutes of leaving home I had no idea where we were; the road was winding and roller coaster-like.  And on the rare occasion we passed a building or house, it was ramshackle and falling down.

Toney consulted the GPS for a second opinion, but our British guide couldn’t help us.  She told us our destination is not a real place, or something along those lines.  Extremely comforting.

And the longer we drove, the more obscure the directions became.  Eventually it was stuff like, “Turn left at the wagon wheel, and continue until you see the Sprite bottle on the stump…”

“They have a swim team out here?” I started hollering.  “What do they do, swim in overalls?  Do the kids have to remove their Skoal dip before getting into the water??”  It was crazy; it felt like we were in depression-era Kentucky.

We continued, and our car bottomed out twice on the pavement, and at one point I believe we were on an actual dirt road.  It reminded me of going to my great grandmother’s house as a kid, which was so remote you drove for a long time, parked the car, and walked the last mile.

Eventually we found the high school, where the meet was to take place, and it looked like there was a football field next door with a grain elevator in the end zone.  I’m not sure what that was all about.

“Hey, at least it’s a real school,” I said while parking.  “I thought you guys might be swimming in a pond, out on Old Man Taylor’s back 40.”

We went inside, and I needed to find a bathroom.  When I located it, a guy was there posting a sign on the door telling everyone to use the men’s room off the gym, at the other end of the hall.

Gritting my teeth because of pee-urgency, I went in search of the gym.  And man, what a time-warp.

The school didn’t look overly old, maybe from the ’70s, but it felt like I’d entered a section that was somehow much, much older.  That gymnasium was straight out of the 1930s, or my name’s not Jeff “The Snob” Kay.  The scoreboard was very ornate, and old as hell.  For a few seconds I forgot about my urine-trouble and looked around, fascinated.

Toney was holding court, as usual, when I returned, and I wandered over to the concession stand.  I half expected them to be offering “a hit off the ol’ clay jug” for $1, but unfortunately they were not.

It was still a tad unusual, though…  They had all the regular stuff, but a lot of it was homemade.  They didn’t have Reese’s peanut butter cups, for instance, but a reasonable facsimile whipped-up in someone’s home kitchen (potbelly stove?) — two inside a baggy for fifty cents.

Weird shit.

I bought a Dr. Pepper from a cooler on the floor, and went upstairs to the balcony overlooking the pool.  It was hotter than an August crotch up there.  But they had real stadium seats, instead of the ass-punishing bleachers most schools offer.  So, that was nice.

The other team, I saw, was extremely small.  We have about 75 boys on our team, and they had less than 20.  But it’s a new team, and hopefully they’ll be able to whip-up some interest in the, um, community.  I wish them luck, sincerely.  Competitive swimming is a great sport.

I took out my cell phone, to check my email, but there wasn’t even a hint of a signal in that place.  The section where the bars appear on the display was missing — the entire section itself.

Sighing with disappointment (no internet for three hours??), I took a look around and saw that a lot of the fashions were from the 1980s.  Many of the women reminded me of Barbara Mandrell, at the height of her popularity.

One exception was a woman seated to my right, with terrifying man-hands.  She looked like she’d been baling hay for the past twenty-five years, and the veins were bulging on her forearms.  Holy shit.  She could probably bend prison bars with her bare hands.

Yeah, and unfortunately the kids on the other team weren’t very good.  A lot of them didn’t even dive into the water, they just jumped off the blocks like a Mountain Dew commercial.  It was not pretty.  Our team slaughtered them, straight-up.

But at least they didn’t start each race with a shotgun blast, like I’d predicted in the parking lot…

After it was over, we turned on the GPS again and hit the Take Us Home button.  And it worked in reverse.  Penelope (I think that’s her name) had us drive a slightly different route, but no less “scenic.”  At one point we had to stop while a passel of wild turkeys skittered across the road.

It was an interesting day.  And I wish their team luck, I really do.  It’s just the extreme ruralness of it all…  And all those houses that would’ve made even Fred Sanford shake his head in disgust.  I always say I could adjust to almost anything, and I’m sure I could adjust to that style of living, as well.

But I’d probably risk being labeled “uptown,” and have a few of the rusted-out appliances removed from my yard, and the engine block hauled off my front porch.

Would that be cheating?

Now playing in the bunker

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. NDfaninAZ says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    Odd time for an update, but I’m not complaining!

    Reply
  2. Brad K. says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    You were in Reidsville, NC, and didn’t stop by to say hello? You are Jeff “The Snob” Kay.

    Reply
  3. The Dish says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    After growing up in the midwest and living in Austin for 6 years moving to the south was a trip. When stuff up here starts to fall about they tear it down. In Georgia they just leave it until the plants reclaim it as their own. And the first time I saw all the lawn ornamentation of a metal nature I had to do a double take.

    Don’t get me wrong, we have hillbillies and rednecks, but nothing like rural southern America.

    Reply
  4. Shiny Rod says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    A weekend update and I’m number 3, will miracles cease to exist?

    Reply
  5. Chris says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    You and you’re high-falutin Scranton ways…

    Reply
  6. Chris says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    Typos show I’m a real ‘Merican

    Reply
  7. Angie in Japan says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Glad you made it out alive, Jeff!

    Reply
  8. CitizenX says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    Sounds like you need a noise canceling microphone to get that podcast up and running. I recently bought one and to test it, had the family stand behind me and scream. The mic picked up the first blip of sound then nothing. Beautiful technology. I was teary-eyed.

    Reply
  9. Jeff says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    Yeah, but there was no noise, Citizen X. I was home alone, in our dining room. Total silence. I think I need to play around with the settings on the mixer. Something’s turned up way too high, I believe. The mic I bought is a good one, and I don’t think that’s the source of my trouble.

    Reply
  10. putski says

    February 6, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    The country always has a few surprises. My surprise was the five meter long python that I ran over on the way home one night. I stopped and went back to check on it – not a scratch though it might have been a little pissed. I held up traffic to let it pass. It was the least I could do after driving my car over it.

    Reply
  11. Chuck in Belpre says

    February 7, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Wait a minute. I call BS. A swim meet in the dead of Winter? And no mention of Snomageddan? Someone is trying to pull a fast one. Maybe.

    Reply
  12. Big Bear In OH says

    February 7, 2010 at 12:20 am

    Snomageddan indeed. I woke up today to a drift taller than the hood of my full size pickup outside my door, and at least 12 solid inches of snow everywhere outside. And not that weak stuff, no, no. Dense, heavy, wet packing snow, great for causing accidents and turning into ice when it’s run over with a vehicle…Miserable.

    Reply
  13. JDL says

    February 7, 2010 at 1:38 am

    Consider yourself lucky, we got about 30 inches. After shoveling off and on this morning and barely making a dent, my wife informed me this evening that one of her friends on the HOA sent her a text yesterday saying that the guy who does the roads in our development would plow driveways for $10.
    I love my wife, we get along great. But I could feel my hands being magnetically drawn to her throat.
    I said “so you’re telling me that for slightly more than the cost of a fast food meal, someone will come and remove the 8,000 tons of snow in our driveway and you didn’t think to tell me?”
    She just said “You usually like to do things yourself so…”

    Reply
  14. NDfaninAZ says

    February 7, 2010 at 1:42 am

    I’m picturing Napolean Dynomite…..

    Reply
  15. [email protected] says

    February 7, 2010 at 2:02 am

    Brian K….. I lived in Kernersville for 16 years, I’ve seen way worse places than Reidsville!! Some of those hollers in West by God are pretty bad!

    Reply
  16. Evil Twin's Wife says

    February 7, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Sounds like you were traveling Coal River Road!

    Reply
  17. Joe T. says

    February 7, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Hilarious, but it started me thinking where? My 3 best guesses…Western Wayne, Mountain View, or Blue Ridge.

    Reply
  18. White Trash Barbie says

    February 7, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Chuck in Belpre, I too call shenanigans. Is there a portion of the upper pierogi belt that wasn’t slammed with snow?

    Reply
  19. Swami Bologna says

    February 7, 2010 at 10:59 am

    As James Carville once famously observed about Pennsylvania, “It’s Philadelphia on one side, Pittsburgh on the other, and Alabama in the middle.”

    I suppose in your neck of the woods, Jeff, it would be paraphrased as: “It’s Scranton on one side, Erie on the other, and Alabama in the middle.”

    Reply
  20. Jeff says

    February 7, 2010 at 11:06 am

    No snow here, unfortunately. Philadelphia’s less than two hours south of us, and received, what, thirty inches? We got nuthin’. And we’re usually the first to get hammered. Go figure.

    Reply
  21. Swami Bologna says

    February 7, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Chuck in Belpre: Snowmageddon barely touched northeastern Pennsylvania (where Jeff lives). Down here in southeast PA we got hit hard (at least two feet), but it petered out the farther north you went up the Northeast Extension of the PA Turnpike.

    Reply
  22. JCIII says

    February 7, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Good Morning Surf Reporters….

    My town is approximately 25 miles downriver from Pittsburgh. My town is typical middle class & there are few neighborhoods that are filled with McMansions. However, not but a few miles away is a little road named Mudlick Hollow. Go up that road and you are in downtown Appalachia. Plywood patched houses with corrugated tin roofs, mongrel dogs roaming the yards that have the obligatory appliances and rusted out vehicles sitting in them.
    There’s even a little chapel / church where I think they speak in tongues and handle snakes.

    A few other Reporters have mentioned Snowmaggedon. We’ve also referred to it as the Snowpocalypse. Someone yesterday uttered Snowly Shit! Total snowfall in my yard was 20 inches.

    I actually got my car dug out after being plowed in and got to work, albeit drenched in sweat, wearing jeans and a hoodie and smelling like a wet dog. There were 5 people who made it too, out of 50 some employees. Those 5 dedicated souls were 4 managers and 1 salesman. Too many Chiefs and not enough Indians. Needless to say we did not stay open for business.

    Reply
  23. Chuck in Belpre says

    February 7, 2010 at 11:43 am

    OK…I stand corrected. Only about 5 inches here along the Ohio river, although just outside of town it was 8. I cleaned off my car yesterday and the heavy wet snow slid off in 3 big sheets. I’m glad not everyone up North got smacked.

    Reply
  24. hot fuzz says

    February 7, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Last year we had 8′ snowbanks..this year probably less than a foot…it’s my fault really – I bought snow tires, the largest snow blower I could afford and a good sized generator. I challenged the snow gods and they’re laughing their asses off at me.

    Reply
  25. [email protected] says

    February 7, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Evile Twin’s Wife..I thought most of Coal River Rd had fallen away by now, LOL I’m guesing you must be in St. Albans area, do you ever go to the Eldorado?

    Reply
  26. Evil Twin's Wife says

    February 7, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    No, it’s still there! Although we live on the opposite end of SA, so I rarely travel in that direction. We’re on the hill up off Kanawha Terrace. I’ve never been to the Eldo, but it’s only a few blocks away….It looks a little sketchy. LOL.

    Reply
  27. [email protected] says

    February 7, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Evil Twin’s Wife, the Eldo isn’t sketchy at all just a little neighborhood bar. One of my younger brothers owns it. Great hotdogs on the grill side. That side is open till about 4pm then closes and the other “club” side is open. It is very clean and he doesn’t put up with any problems, my other brother is a sheriff, lol!!

    Reply
  28. WB in OH says

    February 7, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    We got about 5-6″ of white death here in the middle of Ohio. I was hard to tell because of all the drifting. Had a couple of 2 footers to get out of the driveway but the Kubota makes quick work them, God bless you John Froelich.

    As for the swim meet, I’m suprised the school could afford an indoor pool.

    Reply
  29. Pagan says

    February 7, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Nothing but Green fields North of the Border! ‘you are in downtown Appalachia. Plywood patched houses with corrugated tin roofs, mongrel dogs roaming the yards that have the obligatory appliances and rusted out vehicles sitting in them.” We have “Hidden Valley” here in Beeeyoootiful Burlington Ontario you just described it to a tee!

    Reply
  30. Greg says

    February 7, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Pagan ~ Thanks! As a resident of WV, I was afraid “Downtown Appalachia” was limited to WV!!

    Reply
  31. Ron from Niagara says

    February 7, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Never did thank you for the evil shirts. I like them. But my wife wasn’t impressed with her “present” Oh well, can’t please them all.

    Reply
  32. debra says

    February 7, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    The Who were really actually pretty decent tonight! God bless those boys!

    Reply
  33. debra says

    February 7, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    Up here in Sheffield Ohio we got a pretty decent amount of snow. The wind created some mighty drifts in the driveway. One about 4′ tall!

    Reply
  34. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    February 7, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    I was pretty impressed by that coin toss

    Reply
  35. chill says

    February 7, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    Holy moley, a Saturday update! So Pavloved am I that I didn’t even check.

    We got about 24 inches here in northern Virginia. The plow and backhoe have come by a few times today (Sun.), always with the blades up. Bastids. But at least I have off from work tomorrow (Monday), and I’d have to take it if I didn’t.

    I’m scheduled to head out to Bridgeport WV on Tuesday to conduct user training on a new system we just installed, but that may not be happening, since another several inches is forecast for then. I’m not real thrilled about the prospect of driving the length of I-68 in that shit.

    Reply
  36. [email protected] says

    February 8, 2010 at 2:19 am

    Well, guys, I guess I’ll be back after fat Tuesday. The BIG party has started here in ‘Nawlins. Tomorrow has been declared a holiday with schools and most businessess closed. Tuesday evening a parade with all the Saints players. Big parades kick off Wed-Fat Tuesday. So we got a 10 day party!! See ya next week!
    Never had parties like this in West by God! Who Dat!!

    Reply
  37. Not Oprah says

    February 8, 2010 at 3:24 am

    PartyOn – Bumblebee – will be looking for you in the headlines!

    Reply
  38. bikerchick says

    February 8, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Pittsburgh is like a war zone. I have never seen such a mess. A 20 minute drive took me 1 1/2 hrs….and that’s with minimal traffic as everything is closed. Not to happy to be here babysitting a phone since the Doc is in FLORIDA and has no clue what hit us. AND there is more coming. Good times.

    Reply
  39. Knucklehead says

    February 8, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Wasn’t there supposed to be a podcast on Friday? Sorry – I’m out of the loop. In the hospital Friday a.m, until yesterday p.m. What did I miss?!

    Reply
  40. Swami Bologna says

    February 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Knuck: Jeff said there was too much background noise on the recordings, and he’s trying to find a solution.

    Reply
  41. Jeff says

    February 8, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    I meant for Saturday’s update to be a bonus, but it’s gonna have to stand as the Monday update. My alarm clock didn’t go off this morning, and I overslept BIG TIME. It was like I was entered in some kind of sleeping contest. It’s outrageous. I’ll try to make up for it tomorrow. Sorry.

    Reply
  42. Lee Harvey Ramone says

    February 8, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    OK, Jeff. I’ll go ahead and re-read the Saturday update for today. If you cannot do a Tuesday update: No worries. I’ll just re-read the Saturday update again tomorrow.

    Reply
  43. Shiny Rod says

    February 8, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    So, I have to ask you, how’d you go from living on the Upper East Side to St. Louis?

    Reply
  44. Rat Bastard says

    February 8, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Described my hometown stomping grounds to a tee — Fayette County, PA, just over the border from West Virginia. I can recall several 1970 Plymouth Roadrunners up on blocks in local driveways.

    Bikerchick, JCIII — it is a goddamned mess here in the burgh. I shoveled out the car I’m borrowing but haven’t moved it yet. Work was cancelled so I woke up on a friend’s couch this morning, drank the leftover Stella Artois from the Superbowl party that someone brought over then walked home. I still haven’t seen a single fucking plow truck, so Luke Ravenstahl can shove the road salt up his preppy ass for all I care. When we get round two tomorrow, this city is going to be paralyzed. I heard they’re going to tow cars under the pretense of clearing snow, so I guess that’s how those corrupt motherfuckers are going to pay for the road salt that our tax dollars already paid for. Grrrr……

    Reply
  45. Son Of Sam says

    February 8, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    I second that Rat. Beaver county ain’t much better.
    Up in Lawrence where I live we plowed our own road yesterday.

    Reply
  46. Swami Bologna says

    February 8, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    I wonder if Bill Oates has an update for us today.

    Reply
  47. Swami Bologna says

    February 8, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    Nope, just checked — he’s still stuck on January 25, 2007.

    Reply
  48. Rat Bastard says

    February 8, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Son Of Sam — sometimes you have to do it yourself if you want it done at all, right? I wish I had a plow attachment and a salt spreader for my truck; I could clear this corner of the Southside in a few hours and the neighbors would probably buy me beer until next winter.

    Reply
  49. WB in OH says

    February 8, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    It’s suppose to start snowing here around 3 am and not stop until sometime Wednesday. Fuck! Oh well only 10 days till pitchers and catchers report to spring training, April and Opening Day are right around the corner!

    Reply
  50. hot fuzz says

    February 8, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    When the ground hog saw his shadow did he mention to you folks that the 6 more weeks were all going to come in one 36 hour period?

    Reply
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