“Yeah, and my boss jumped all over me, because he said I never participate in departmental functions. I’m always having to tend to urgent matters, he said, that seem to pop up at pretty convenient times. I laughed, because I knew I was busted. But he didn’t think it was very funny, and…”
“…a potluck lunch for some idiot named Ronald, who is leaving the company. And good riddance to that useless bag of…”
“…no way I could duck it, really. And the thought of eating home-cooked garbage from our gang of nasty-ass…”
“…don’t even know how a person’s gums could turn coal black…”
“…reluctantly grabbed a plate and…”
“…filthy green Crockpot…”
“…pepperoni rolls…”
“…meatballs…”
“…foamy…”
“…pungent…”
“…a musky aftertaste…”
“…tried to smile and keep going…”
“…cramps hit everyone at the same time…”
“…moaning and groaning, and holding our stomachs in agony…”
“…Bernice from accounts payable was the first to let go: a high arc of tan vomit across a cubicle wall…”
“…something way off in the distance that sounded like a person trying to get the last bit of mustard from a squeeze bottle…”
“…everyone running for the bathrooms and exits, slipping in pools of upchuck and wallowing around on the floor…”
“…only good thing that came from it: my boss mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ to me, above the sound of all the retching, and then shit his pants like a cannon. Oh, and Ronald is in intensive care…”
“Well anyway, it looks like the ride is over… I hope you girls sell a lot of cookies this year. It was nice meeting you, and I’m looking forward to my box of Thin Mints. They’re my favorites! …I’m over here, Cody!”
Just hours from Jimbo Beam !!!!
Every fiber of my being want to believe this is true. What a classic. This is exactly why I won’t eat at work when people bring shit to eat. I work with some real dirt head, scum bag, reformed meth freaks and I don’t want to eat their ass meat sandwiches. I’d rather root around in a storm drain to find something to eat.
AGRRED a bazillion percent.
This sounds like a conversation I partook in (partook in – is that correct English?)
Going to the Pens game tonight at the Goal Mine.
Dantahn should be a fuckin mess with “Light up Night”
Damn Yinzers never saw a Christmas Tree before?.
Holy crap!! Good luck with that shit!! Went to Light up Night last year. Wotta a complete clusterfuck. It was asshole to elbows all night. Not to mention tripping over friggin baby strollers every corner. Never again. GO PENS!
Light up night this year no big deal huh? Police riot gear ,dogs. people getting shot in the head just another night in Pittsburgh.
Oh yea Pens win!!
“in which I partook”
Thank you It’s hard to believe I have a degree in English. But I am having a tough day – friend just passed away this morning from lung cancer. We were walking on the beach in Cape Cod less than 5 months ago.
Life sure does laugh in our face sometimes.
I think we can all cut an English major a little slack for some difficulty conjugating partake in the past tense obscure form.
The boy has know twins since they all went to nursery school together – 17 years or more? The young guys’ father was killed in a fall this week. They had 5 siblings. He was 52. It’s like life just says “so what; your problem; deal with it.” I hate that part about life.
Big brotherly hug Madz. Please stay around for the laughs as needed – it should help. Here, here’s one to keep you going – just think of the scarring the two little girl guides had from the encounter on the scrambler.
take care Madz
Oh thank you, hot fuzz! I appreciate it.
On a lighter note, Jeff, WHY WHY WHY would you go to Sx Flags and go on the Scrambler. That’s a typical carny ride. You go to SIx Flags to conquor the coasters, baby!
madz…
The story form doesn’t work on a roller coaster, or, in fact, any ride except the Scrambler. Had Jeff ridden the roller coaster five times, he’d still have had to mount the Scrambler to get this scoop.
Sorry for your loss.
best…
jtb
Completely brilliant.
Longer conversations while the ride is spinning up.
Quick quips while the ride is at top speed.
And elongated near the end as the ride slowed to a stop
Genius.
My favorite line “…something way off in the distance that sounded like a person trying to get the last bit of mustard from a squeeze bottle…”
Even though I’m 54, I still giggle like a fruit when the mustard or ketchup dispenser makes that noise.
Wait, Devo had groupies?!?!?!? Looks like he was whippin’ it good, all right!
Me, too.
…should have mentioned I was commenting on the bunker cam photo…
That had me going just one notch under beef and mac. Why do I think people vomiting is so funny?
I think it’s funny because the vomiter is so helpless and stupid looking. There’s no dignified way to puke.
I worked with a guy who felt the same way – no freaking way would he go to a pot luck. He’d go to the Asian food place and buy a few dishes worth of food, bring it back as his contribution and load up on that instead.
Another friend was telling me that 35 people she works with all came down with plumbing rattling cramps, dire-rear, and fever after, not a pot luck, but rather a sub lunch. It was from a place that sort of sounds like rubray… it hit everyone about 16 hours later so it was one of those really deep bugs that get all the way in to the lower intestines. My friend found comfort lying with her face on the bathroom floor tiles. She called her sister in California and said to call her back at midnight. If she didn’t answer, call 911 for an ambulance. The newly hired president of the company was on a flight to India when it hit him.
“THAT WASN’T ME, IT WAS CENTRIFARTAL FORCE”
I forgot to hit the notify check box.
Also I had to be at work at 10 today (normally 14:30) and I get to really see how little my co-workers do all day.
rubray will get you every time.
Went to lunch with some co-workers when I worked at an airline that sounded like momair and the subway AC was on the fritz in mid July. The hypochondriac in the group (also the conspiracy theorist and anti-semite) against all of our protests ordered the seafood sub.
Imitation crab meat, 90 deg temps, questional refridgeration and sanitation practises, what can go wrong?
Well he left work about 2 hrs later. We’re not sure if he really was sick or if we put the idea in his head.
heh – dire-rear.
I have have been reminded quite recently about just how short life really is. You only get so many sunsets. Stop and enjoy one the next chance you get.
Further evidence – those mattress exposees (sp??) pop up every couple of years. I got paid to do one when I was in grad school – I got to say “urine” on TV!
Maybe I’m not seeing this right, but it looks like the Devo groupie has an AC cord. I think her pants are plugged in. True, it might be a catheter tube, but I think that would be worse.
jtb
And, by the way, are we not men?
She’s just the girl
she’s just the girl
the girl you want
kristen – I’ve never had the opportunity to say “urine” on TV (or radio). Perhaps among Reporters you are unique. So you have that going for you.
Maybe you meant exposé. I think in English, an exposee would be one who has seen a man (or woman) with his (or her) trenchcoat unfurled.
Or maybe you said “ursine” in honor of the Bears victory over the Dolphins last night.
I’m just wondering…
jtb
Anyone got an ice pack? The eunuch Scheisse hund just jumped up on my junk. It feels decidedly un-delicious…. sigh….
Mr. Hot…
Dood, you live in Canada. Just remove your trousers, go outside, and kind of dip your junk in the snow. Repeat as needed.
jtb
…and never let Germans jump your junk. You give ’em an inch and they invade Poland.
jtb
Cannot. Stop. Laughing.
LOVED THIS!!!!!! I hope this is true…God, I do.
I forwarded macaroni and beef to a co-worker who didn’t know what I was talking about.
She’s beet purple, wheezing, and choking on laughter.
Absolutely hilarious, Jeff.
Years ago, my late husband went to an auction with me under complete protest. In the news paper it stated “catered lunch”….which is how I bribed him to go. He figured he’d eat his way through the boring auction. Well, unfortunately the “catered” lunch was the auctioneer’s workers bringing “pot luck”. Yuck. My husband didn’t give a shit once he was there…he was gonna dig in regardless. He gets in line behind some douchbag who precedes to do a noncovered, full blown, yaking sneeze ALL OVER the crockpotted food. My husband threw his paper plate and utensils down into the snotted food and just walked away. I thought there was going to be a brawl for sure. He was so fucking jacked-off.
Pot luck at work, no fucking way. Went to my inside sales rep’s house one day last fall to pick her up for a company function. She invited me in for a few minutes while she finished getting ready.
Her place is a 4 bedroom house in a bad section of town, smells like a piss soaked trailer park with barking dogs, cat hair, junk cars parked on the lawn, and Brady Bunch shag carpet that sticks to your shoes.
And she is the “chef” of the office. Everybody brags about her cabbage rolls “pigs in a blanket”.
If I decided to throw out my vacuum, have a party for every homeless person I could find on the street, crack addict, used up whore, and incontinent senior citizen, and a college frat I could muster, it would take 10 years to achieve the odor of her place. Beyond description, filth.
I now refuse to have dinner, drinks, or socialize with any of these people. I figured she was the best of the group of social rejects. If this statement is even near accurate, I cannot imagine how the remainder of these people live, maybe a cave shared with bats and cripples and retards who shit their pants?
Holy fuck, what an eye opener, I would not drink a glass of water at her house.
I am not sure if I should have my car detailed or drive it in to the woods and light it on fire to kill the germs in the passenger seat.
Man you gotta pass that on to the co-workers. Maybe save a life.
Mounties over Louisville 17-10! Good job, Mounties! Next week, the Backyard Brawl against Pitt.
Quiz time mother fuckers:
Who said this
“Is it possible that cream cheese can also be used as soap?”
Translucent # 1.
t-
that was Buck two Cristmases ago. I figured it was just another of Buck’s holiday household hints.
jtb
debra…
Thanks for your kind words, and thanks for making the Airplane connection. That’s why the reply feature generally doesn’t work well for me. It’s kinda fun to have to see the whole board. That way, when you push a pawn, things change elsewhere. Action at a distance.
“and then shit his pants like a cannon.”
You had me before that; that phrase just put a big, brown exclamation point on the story. Simple construction, almost feels understated; of course, the “like a cannon” part is gratuitous and makes little literal sense. Nonetheless the word picture is clear and steamy. Minor genius moment. Why I came here.
I suppose it’s more accurate to say that I came for the shit and stayed for the cannon.
thanks, Jeff…
jtb
How bored can one person be?
Wow. Thanks for getting me all excited about my potluck breakfast at work in the morning. Geebus Crispee.