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Who’s This Liver-Lipped Root Vegetable-Headed Sumbitch?

November 17, 2021 By Jeff 27 Comments

I’m monkeying around with yet another ill-conceived side project (more to come on that someday, maybe), and wanted a cartoon version of my tiny Duke head for use there. So… whenever I need something like that I make a beeline for Fiverr. I’ve had a lot of luck with that site, and there have also been a few misfires. I mean, you’re generally not paying much, so you just have to read the reviews, look at the samples and hope for the best. Often the results exceed my expectations.

But take a look at what I received back today. Yep, another one for the MISFIRE folder. Sweet Maria! It looks like I’m wearing lipstick, suffering a rampaging goiter, and enduring a bout of dangerous brick-house constipation. Also, my hair doesn’t look like that. It reminds me of the plastic Devo hair (with chinstrap) from the New Traditionalists era. Who is this bulbous sweet potato-headed mofo?!

Sometimes I ask for a revision (or two), but this time I just paid the guy and walked away. He’s in Indonesia, and maybe the ten bucks will go farther there than it does here? I have no idea. But this shit is both hilarious and unsettling. And there’s no fixing it. Right? There would be no point in requesting a revision. The lips straight-up freak me out! Good Lord. Whenever I look at them I think they’re going to start moving, and I’ll hear the voice of Satan or perhaps Clutch Cargo.

Hey, you win some and you lose some. Especially at Fiverr. At least I get to share the disturbing thing with you guys, right?

Speaking of disturbing, did you see the video of a female singer pissing all over a man’s face onstage a few nights ago? If not, and you’re so inclined, check it out here. What are your thoughts? I’d like to know. I’ve been to a lot of shows in my time, but never witnessed anything like this. I saw the lead singer of a band called Five-Eight get completely naked onstage, which was… memorable. And I saw John Lydon show his bare ass to the audience for far too long. It was too much of a terrible thing. I mean, Angus Young always flashed his bare ass in concert, but ol’ Johnny Rotten thrust his out there and let everyone take a long gander. It’s not something I need in my memory banks, yet it’s there and probably will be forever.

But I have never seen a person urinate on the face of a willing audience member before. Did you see the way he was whipping his head from side to side like he was reveling in the experience? Also, that was quite a load she unleashed there. She’s clearly a well-hydrated young lady. Was there steam coming off of it? I think there might’ve been. Incredible! Apparently this little stunt didn’t go over as well as she’d hoped, and she’s apologizing all over the place.

You’d never catch the Statler Brothers doing something like that.

I’ve had three days off from work, but now it’s time to return. Ugh. I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day, my friends!

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. big R says

    November 17, 2021 at 12:21 pm

    ha!

    Reply
  2. Dave Figueiredo says

    November 17, 2021 at 12:41 pm

    Heh-So Clutch Cargo!

    Reply
  3. Kristy says

    November 17, 2021 at 12:42 pm

    After recovering from the the dry heaves from that video, “Statler Brothers” sent me into a giggle fit. Thank you, sir!

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      November 17, 2021 at 2:44 pm

      Yeah, extra points and a free game for both Clutch Cargo and the Statler Brothers. This was the writing that drew me here 15 years ago. The mentions are laudable, but weaving them into the syntax seamlessly while combining two unrelated topics into one post is the kind of high-wire work that separates professional writers from jukes like me. A fine piece of writing that is also eminently commentable.

      John

      Reply
  4. Ognir says

    November 17, 2021 at 1:00 pm

    G.G. Allin used to do shit like that – didn’t he?

    She outdid Ozzy, Alice, WASP and those guys.

    I thought it was sort of sexy.

    Reply
  5. Limey says

    November 17, 2021 at 1:19 pm

    I saw one of the young ladies in L7 whip out her tampon and throw it into the audience. Which was nice.

    Reply
    • madz62 says

      November 17, 2021 at 1:37 pm

      Thanks, Limey. As if the peeing wasn’t enough to give me the dry heaves for the afternoon. Woah! {{{full body shudder}}}!

      Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      November 17, 2021 at 2:31 pm

      Limey, as frequently happens you found the humor in a serious subject, but your comment wouldn’t have been half as funny without the full stop after “audience”. It created the beat you needed to throw away your last three words. I really had to work hard there to avoid using the word “period”.

      Also, unfamiliar as I am with the work of Brass Against, and only barely aware of the work of L7, it sounds like they are fulfilling the mission of Punk by playing their instruments a little randomly, whereas my favorite Punk combo, Romeo Void, knew what a bass and kick drum were for and weren’t afraid to use them; and Debora Iyall was way too busy hitting low notes and executing death-defying melisma riffs to stop to take a leak onstage. It seems like something you do instead of singing. Although there’s nothing wrong with pissing if that’s what you do. Ms. Urista (which sounds a little like a female body part) just removed a small object from a different part of her female anatomy, while NASCAR repeatedly failed to get the stick out of their ass. Loosen up and drive you bastards.

      John

      Reply
      • Limey says

        November 17, 2021 at 4:36 pm

        John, L7 were a perennial support act when I was a student in London. They’re fine, didn’t amount to much, I have a few of their records somewhere. “Which was nice” is a catchphrase and cadence from an old sketch show:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOhZgAPn_CU

        that I shamelessly stole without attribution. Which was nice.

        Reply
        • Limey says

          November 17, 2021 at 4:48 pm

          Yes, that’s a young Arthur Weasley if you’re a Harry Potter fan. I’m sure you are.

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            November 17, 2021 at 9:38 pm

            I would be unable to pick a Weasley out of a lineup. Any book that gets kids to read is OK with me, but I’m unfamiliar with any Potter details.

            As for lifting, I can assure you that “Loosen up and drive you bastards” is a lift from Dr. Hunter Thompson. I think it was from one of his automotive reviews in the ’80s or ’90s, but all that stuff has become so much a part of me it doesn’t feel like a lift. I would never be able to find the piece to execute a proper attribution. Of course, since Thompson’s doctorate was also a lift, there’s a certain cosmic balance achieved when anybody lifts from him. Which is nice.

            jtb

            Reply
  6. madz62 says

    November 17, 2021 at 3:05 pm

    Jeff, if it’s any consolation, if I saw that shade of lipstick, I’d probably buy it.

    I hope the pee pee lady had a nice big plate of asparagus beforehand.

    (some things just need to be done in private.)

    Reply
  7. Vincent R. says

    November 17, 2021 at 3:21 pm

    Nice rendition of a young Gilbert Gottfried. Keep doing you my friend.

    Reply
  8. Ognir says

    November 17, 2021 at 5:22 pm

    I think Jeff looks like a Baptist preacher from the south.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      November 17, 2021 at 10:07 pm

      Well, technically a Baptist preacher in a Star Trek non-com uniform top who is just about to violate an even number of Commandments with an odd number of girls.

      jtb

      Reply
  9. Zach says

    November 17, 2021 at 6:04 pm

    Does anyone here have a Peloton? That pissing chick is Jess King’s wife.

    Reply
  10. Margo Foreman says

    November 17, 2021 at 6:14 pm

    Jeff, you sould go on MyHeritage and animate your pic.

    Reply
  11. chill says

    November 17, 2021 at 10:08 pm

    Statler Brothers… was that Chauncey and Edgar? It’s all a little blurry to me now.

    Reply
    • johnthebasket says

      November 19, 2021 at 5:08 pm

      I think it was Edgar who pissed on the entire front row in Branson. I’d guess 1970, but it’s easy to be a little off on these things. Kinda like Edgar’s aim.

      jtb

      Reply
  12. Ed says

    November 18, 2021 at 12:34 am

    The Statler Brothers line will have me smiling involuntarily for the next few days!

    Reply
  13. Sponge says

    November 18, 2021 at 8:44 am

    That wasn’t just peeing, it was a damn firehose. It’s funny and gross and I’m sort of surprised that it hasn’t happened before! The way the guy reveled in it was funny too, what a way to earn your five minutes of fame.

    Reply
  14. johnthebasket says

    November 19, 2021 at 5:04 pm

    In perspective, this woman pissed on a man, then returned to singing (can she do both at once? The vid has been removed from youtube so I can’t confirm that). Nobody got injured, nobody got killed, there was no violence and quite a bit of joy. It’s safer than crowd surfing and cleaner than the water in Flint and half of Oklahoma. It’s a “mach shau” moment that, if repeated, might get a little tiresome; I’m guessing that this guy might be without a girlfriend, but if he had one she might not be kissing him on de lips for a few days. That’s pretty light damage for rock & roll.

    John

    Reply
  15. The Yodler says

    November 20, 2021 at 6:10 pm

    Not too worried about the piss take.
    More relevant: U.S. Covid-19 Deaths This Year Surpass Toll in 2020.
    https://www.wsj.com/articles/u-s-covid-19-deaths-in-2021-surpass-2020-11637426356

    Reply
  16. Joey Jo Jo says

    November 21, 2021 at 12:39 pm

    The dude who made your face drawing clearly studied at the “Grand Theft Auto” school of art. You look exactly like one of the drawings that play in the credits of those games, or on the cover art. Not a bad thing. Just, that’s obviously his aesthetic.

    Reply
  17. Joey Jo Jo says

    November 21, 2021 at 12:40 pm

    Dude getting pissed on was reveling in it like fucking GG Allin.

    Reply
  18. Poppy says

    November 22, 2021 at 11:57 am

    I’ve seen David Yow from Jesus Lizard whip out his schlong more times than I can count, and back when I saw the Athens, GA Inside/Out tour, the lead singer from the BBQ Killers called my Asian companion a ‘chink’. Apparently she (?) was known for off putting stage behavior.

    Reply
  19. Ian in Scotland says

    November 24, 2021 at 2:13 pm

    Son of Lon Chaney Jr. & Frank Black! Well worth the money!

    Reply

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