The younger boy woke me up this morning at 11:15. Toney decided I’d had enough sleep for one night, and sent him upstairs to shake me awake. I’d been hitting the snooze button since 9:30. Wotta lazy sack.
I groaned, rolled over, and expelled a cubic yard of intestinal gas. The change in position apparently set a giant bubble into motion, and almost led to the comforter flying down the hall. After I peed for a long, long time, I went downstairs, poured myself a cup of coffee, and talked with Toney for a half-hour.
And before I knew it… I was outside mowing the lawn. I think back on it, and sincerely can’t remember the unlikely series of events that led to me mowing before I was fully conscious. What the hell, man??
I haven’t mowed much this summer, because I’ve successfully pawned that horrible job off on the Secrets. They don’t do a spectacular job of it, but it looked good enough for me. I didn’t do a very good job when I was their age, either. I could always see my dad’s jaw working as he inspected my handiwork, and fought the urge to criticize.
Anyway… I hadn’t been out there for more than a month. And it was worse than I knew.
Our property isn’t level, and there’s a section of it that’s nothing short of treacherous. I’ve fallen down out there, on multiple occasions, and almost had an arm or leg run over by the mower. It sucks, and I’ll be the first to admit it. However… they just didn’t mow it. That’s how they dealt with the problem: they avoided it. It looked like Vietnam!
This is a small section of our yard that can’t be seen from a window or the deck. I hadn’t walked around out there, and had no idea they’d just let it go full-‘nam. I was hollering profanities, and the mower cut-out three times while I tried to bring it back under control. Eventually I got it mowed, but it doesn’t look very good. It’s like a hay field at this point.
Then there was this: a bottle of Vitamin Water in our back yard – which had clearly been mowed around. The last person had just maneuvered past it, instead of reaching down and picking it up. Oh, this was half-assery that surpassed even my own spectacular half-assery of the 1970s.
Once I was finished, and was horrified to see giant sweat stains circling my mannery glands, I called the boys into the living room. Yeah, and they said they hadn’t been mowing that little section of the yard because “you can’t get to it.” “I just mowed it!” I hollered, and they shrugged and said they weren’t able to do it. I could feel my temples starting to throb.
And, of course, neither of them had any knowledge of the Vitamin Water bottle.
I don’t know… I don’t want to force them to mow that radical slope; if something were to happen I’d feel horrible. But a quick, “Hey Dad, we weren’t able to get the side of the house” would’ve been nice. They’d told me, every time, they’d mowed the WHOLE yard. Grrr…
When I was a kid we had a neighbor who would let his grass grow for weeks on end, finally go out there to mow, and get about halfway into the process and say fukkit. He’d just turn off the lawnmower and go back into the house. So, there would be a few strips of regular lawn, a mower, and knee-high grass in front of it.
And he’d just leave it out there for a few more weeks – through rain storms and whatever happened. He was all the time buying new mowers, because they’d rust-out and stop running. He went through two or three every summer.
So… whenever I feel like we’re not taking proper care of our yard, I worry that I’m being as lazy as our old neighbor — the laziest person I’ve ever met. In fact, his face was dancing in my head today, as I shoved the mower up and down the side of that freakin’ mountain.
And I’m pretty sure he winked at me, conspiratorially.
The lazy neighbor was a nice guy, everybody liked him, but he was… you know, super-lazy. And he haunts me to this day. I feel like I’m trying to outrun him, but he almost catches up every once in a while. So, I have to let-loose with an extra burst of energy to put some distance between us.
Who’s the laziest person you’ve ever met? What’s the laziest, most half-assed thing you’ve ever encountered? And do you have someone from your past who unknowingly taught you a lasting “don’t do it this way” life lesson? Please tell us about it in the comments section below.
Have a great day, my friends!
I’ll be back soon.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
Yessireebob.
It may not be THE laziest act EVER, but every time my husband vacuums, he commits the Vitamin Water bottle swerve around whatever happens to be on the floor at the time. A shirt, a toy, a dog, a water bottle. Doesn’t matter. Makes me CRAZY, but I never say anything because, hey, he vacuumed, right?
yeah you do have that my man wont do a damn thing. that’s womans work (even though I work harder & longer hours) BUTT HEAD!
I won’t be a doucheketeer and point out the obvious,
What, that you were second?
Is 3rd lazy?
Top 5 baby!!
Which TTown does your name refer to?
Tulsa, Ok
Ok, our town is often called TTown, just curious.
we live with 2 teen boys. It’s really REALLY hard to top the lazy. Have had more than three tutorials on how to load a fricking dishwasher…and they still don’t do it ‘right.’ The yard work though, is OK. Our lot is level, though at times mushy.
Let’s don’t talk about their room….
It might be me, but I try to keep up appearances from time to time…
I confronted one of the other lazy people in my life with the line, “Don’t half-ass it.” He responded, ‘But that’s the best kind!”
Couldn’t stay disgruntled.
I wish I could post a photo of the MOUNTAIN of clean clothes on the chair in our bedroom. I think my husband is trying to see how high he can get it before it falls over. I put my stuff away, and he (in theory) does his. Right. I put it on the bed for him clean and folded, and everynight WITHOUT FAIL he puts it ontop of the pile on the chair. THEN when he needs to find something, he digs through the pile until everything is wadded up and wrinkled. GAH I can feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up while I’m typing this. Lazy fucker.
Happy Friday, Surfers!
My husband does the same exact thing!!
MINE TOO!!! WHAT IS THAT ABOUT????
Mine doesn’t! But only because I fold and put away his clean clothes for him to reward him for always putting his dirty clothes in the hamper, changing the toilet paper rolls and putting the seat down (he had 4 sisters; they taught him well).
I was going to say if I didn’t do this his clothes would be in a pile somewhere (everything else is – mail, books, guitar picks, shoes etc.), but maybe not – he often refolds things if I haven’t “folded them right.”
My wife does all the laundry, takes out the trash, grocery shops, takes off my shoes at night, and blows me while I play PlayStation.
Is this the fortune cookie game where you add “in my dreams”?
My boy carried a cooler of fish around on the back of his truck for a good, long spell until the mechanic where he’d dropped his truck off to get worked on told him to come and back and pick it up–to get it off his place immediately and that he wouldn’t consider continuing until whatever the awful smell was had been taken care of. I raised a godawful heathen.
I think I might have shared this one before–we had an attorney that would walk past two copiers to give me a 2-page copy job! Pushing the buttons was just too much work!
I also had to pick up that same attorney’s SUV and it was filthy! Food and food wrappers laying around, dirty clothes–it was NASTY! It stunk, too.
I’m very persnickety about the interiors of my cars and it just baffles me when somebody’s car looks like a mobile episode of “Hoarders!!”
Napalm will clear out the “Vietnam” area of your lawn. I’m told it’s very effective. Or, maybe just a weed-whacker? I don’t know…
Maybe some Agent Orange.
My husband will come home from work, take off his dirty socks and leave them on the living room floor, every day! He goes into our bedroom multiple times but he can not ever pick up those damn socks to put them in the hamper. Also, I leave for work when he comes home, If I happen to leave a half of cup of soda or a used dish on the table because I am running out the door, that shit will still be sitting on the table when I come home 8 hours later. The table and the sink are 10 feet from each other!
Jesus, I think our husbands were separated at birth. The good thing here is, my dog takes his smelly socks out onto the front lawn almost immediately. LOL!
My lazy nephew lived with me for a little while. We would come home from work and he would go straight to sleep and not wake up until time to go back to work and even then he was hard to wake One time I thought I actually got him to do something. I asked him to wash the dishes and he did but when I went to use a plate it still had soap on it. I asked him if he rinsed the dishes and he said ” You just said I had to wash them, you didn’t say anything about rinsing.” Lazy fucker… that’s the reason he doesn’t keep a job
My ex-husband was the epitome of lazy. I came back from a weekend away to find dog shit and pee all over the downstairs of the house. We had two dogs and he had spent the entire weekend upstairs on his computer, playing games and looking at porn. The whole weekend. Couldn’t be bothered to let the dogs out. That was only one reason for the eventual demise of that “relationship”.
I can’t believe I was ever married to that lazy fucker. I get pissed off whenever he so much as crosses my mind.
My brother pulled a similar stunt – the rest of te family was away on vacation and my sister came back a day early only to find every dish, pot, pan and some electric frying pan my mother hadn’t used in over a decade, sprawled across a filthy kicthen. Useless fuck. .
I’m too lazy to think of the laziest person I know.
Free Pussy Riot!
Thank you! I was concerned when none of the surfers mentioned this case, but not enough to say anything. The whole issue is right up our alley – two years for Hooliganism! We’d all be on trial…
We are all Pussy Riot!
The best sentence I’ve read all day….
“The crowd outside swelled to about 400 Pussy Riot supporters….”
“Free Pussy Riot”. That could be read two ways!
I have to say, my friend’s husband is one lazy. bastard During the workday, hhe works very hard – but that’s it. He comes home and expects a hot dinner. Won’t help to prepare or clean. Flops in bed or on the couch. His wife (my friend) busts her ass at work then goe shome and takes care of everything. He won’t even pay a bill. She tells me some of these stories and I’m seething inside and thanking my lucky stars I have a husnabd who pitches in. I want to tell her “A good swift kick in the nuts may change his habits” but I bite my tongue. Oh, and he stays in bed the entire weekend.
What a wonderful existence!
I think I would start cutting that slope with a weed eater, rather than trying to maneuver a mower around it. I don’t want to start referring to my friend as “Stumps”. Be CAREFUL DUDE!
Heh. What has 9 arms, and sucks?
As I sit here today, pondering the wisdom that is the WVSR, I have come to a realization.
Lazy people piss me the hell off. It’s a righteous anger, mind you.
cows mow my yard here in wv
my shirts and pants are dumped on top of dresser in a heap
provided i dont leave them in dryer till needed
socks, underwear, and bandannas in second drawer that has been left open since i moved in in 1982
i have no idea what, if anything is in the rest of my dresser
In most aspects of life my husband isn’t at all lazy, however he’s not exactly helpful to me with normal household chores.
Point #1 – When we bought our house he added a laundry cabinet in the bathroom because he thought the wicker laundry hamper I had in our bedroom “looks like shit”. So where does he throw his dirty clothes now? In the floor in front of our dresser in a huge pile so anyone walking past our bedroom sees a big pile of of filthy laundry. But hey, at least it doesn’t look like shit, amirite?
Point #2 – If I’m folding laundry on our bed my husband will come in, push the pile of clean laundry over as I’m folding it and turn on the tv. One memorable time I was trying to get the laundry all folded before we had to get ready to go to the World Series and he offered “to help me” fold the laundry. See picture. ‘Nuff said.
http://s303.photobucket.com/albums/nn147/ckuban1/Random%20Stuff/
lmao! My husband is the same way. Hardest working person I know aside from my dad, but house work, pffftt. I just got done telling him yesterday that he is like a little kid and leave a trail of crumbs and dust wherever he goes. I will have the entire house cleaned, dishes done, laundry done; and he will walk in and make a sandwhich. This isn’y just any sandwich, this is the biggest sandwich in history with 4 pounds of meat and the crustiest bread in the world. Somehow he uses 4 pans, 6 knives, a fork, 12 napkins to make this sandwich. I don’t get it.
We can almost do a spoof on this topic!
“The elderly and crippled get up and give HIM their seats.”
“The Grand Canyon stares at HIS gaping pie hole in awe!”
“For fun, he wtaches paint dry.”
“In 2009, he twice had to be surgically peeled from his mattress.”
“The remote control drops into his hand.”
HE IS: THE MOST LAZIEST PERSON ON EARTH
“I don’t always take sleep aids, but when I do, I take Ambien. Stay sleepy my friends.”
I have so many stories for this, I don’t even feel like typing them all.
One little thing I will post about, is my husband had a brochure of some sort in his windhshield wiper. I was unloading things out of my trunk, which was parked in front of his car. The garbage cans were right next to the garage no more than 5 feet from my car. I was coming back from the house, and saw him take the brochure off his car, and instead of going to put it into the garbage, put it in my trunk instead of the garbage cans.
I definitely called him out on that one. He thought it was hysterical.
I cut the grass as seldom as possible, only enough to avoid a fine from Lawn Enforcement. But I am obsessive-compulsive about dishes, trash-emptying and laundry. The interior of my car is neat and clean. The interior of my house is a mess.
I’m sure I know some lazy (or lazier) people, but I can’t be bothered to come up with examples.
.
Careful with that Brush Hog Eugene.
http://www.wvmetronews.com/news.cfm?func=displayfullstory&storyid=54412
Memories…late 60’s & early 70’s I worked retail (women’s clothing). Saturdays were the pits because we did most of our business that day and barely had time to breathe. Need a cigarette but can’t leave the floor because the store was too crowded? No problem. Just cue up Careful with That Axe, Eugene and wait for the screams. Without fail all the suburban mothers would hurriedly drag their daughters out of the store, leaving us free to break for a smoke.
Mmm, smoking indoors at work. I remember those days with fondness.
.
What the fuck is a brush hog?
A brush hog is a large shaft driven lawn mower type of implement usually pulled behind a farm tractor. Not my choice of a way to go.
The “Skeeter Hill Road” report. It almost sounds made up for the story.
I think all of us have been “lazy” at one time or another. Let me ask you, men, who among us HASN’T slipped on a pair of the wife’s panties before work because all of ours were dirty and we didn’t want to wash them? Am I right? Oh God.
Typing, Thinking, it is best not to mix the two up.
Indeed.
A girl I work with who is best qualified as “supremely useless” recently found out that if you’re physically present til noon, you don’t have to use paid time off if you fuck off at twelve. So Friday she spent two hours looking up emergency department wait times online and bitching about not wanting to wait, then went to the emergency room……..for a headache. Bitch if you can drive yourself there, your headache probably isn’t emergency room worthy. Use.less. Gone by 12:10pm.
A few years ago one of my co-workers had a heart attack and drove himself to the ER. It was a real heart attack, and genuinely life-threatening, and he was out for a few months recovering. I don’t hold it against him that he drove himself; since he was physically able to do it, it was probably the quickest way to get his ass to some help. I would have done the same.
.
My dad did the same with his heart attack when I was in high school. His outcome wouldn’t have been as good if he hadn’t. This girl acts like she is allergic to doing work and literally skipped half our last deployment because she had a bloody nose. She left one hour into a 12 hour shift and missed two more days after that…because of a bloody nose (that she managed with a napkin, it was such a gusher).
Mr. Kay;
Might I suggest that your personal “Nam” might be worth putting a non-lawn type area in, such as a planter, or a bench, something solid that prevents the growth of grass and weeds? Rather than continuing to risk limb-ripperagry. Also, second suggestion… Use the two teens to do the heavy work like filling the area in with dirt or whatever is need.. 8^)
How about putting in a garden so you can grow your own ‘maters!
I’m typing this on my laptop from my bed. I’m wearing a diaper so I don’t have to get up. My nightstand is a mini fridge. How’s that for lazy?
Here’s the perfect tune for this topic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCSLFx4l5qU
I think I would have to admit that my teenage self is the laziest person I have ever run across. I was TERRIBLE, when I was 14 I had a summer job cleaning rooms at a local motel (ick) but whenever I was unsupervised (often) instead of changing the sheets when a patron left, I would simply smooth them out and make up the bed and then take the clean ones and wab them up into the dirty hamper (to make sure there was a correct count for the owner). Thinking about it now really grosses me out. Back then the thought never entered my head… ew.