This might come as a shock to some of you, but I have more than my fair share of phobias. Oh, I’m not a complete basket case like Nostrildamus; I’ve never called Toney during a rainstorm and asked her to bring clean underwear and ointment to an interstate underpass, where I’ll be curled up in a ball, smeared in feces, and repeatedly muttering dialog from Pirates of the Caribbean.
But there are plenty of things that give me the heebie-jeebies. Plenty of them. And today I’ll tell you about the main ones, and turn it over to you guys. How’s that sound? Let’s get started, shall we?
Doctors/Dentists When I was a kid and young teenager, I’d practically hyperventilate on “dentist day.”
We went to an old man named Dr. Jarrett in Charleston, and his office was located inside an ancient building with a ridiculous Laurel and Hardy-era elevator. It didn’t really have a door, just a screeching, retractable cage-wall that kept passengers from falling out.
And mister, there was nothing more terrifying than going up in that rickety box, seeing the bricks go past, and knowing I’d be in The Chair within minutes. Beads of sweat would be cascading down the middle of my back.
When I was finally inside the sanctum, I’d throw a death-grip on the armrests and try to think about baseball cards. Then Dr. Jarrett would get that drill fired-up, there would be smoke(!?), and I’d maintain a full-body flex until he finally whipped-away the drool bib.
Doctors are only slightly less frightening, although I don’t like them, either. I’m always convinced they’ll find something horrible, like a tumor the size of a fourth grader, and I’ll be plunged into a world of invasive tests and mysterious procedures. Each, of course, culminating with a full-sized Coleman camping lantern being twisted into my unforgiving “cavity.”
Eye doctors don’t freak me out as much, but I’m still a little on-edge when I visit one. They can see things in your eyes, you know. Hidden illnesses, voodoo curses, and bad stuff you don’t wanna know about…
Generally speaking: not a fan of the medical.
Heights I remember being at a so-called natural bridge somewhere in Kentucky, when I was a kid. I know there’s a popular natural bridge in Virginia, but this one was in Kentucky. And it scared the au jus out of me.
It seemed to be way up in the air, possibly touching the bottom of the clouds, and they allowed people to walk across it – with no handrails or anything to stop you from hurtling over the edge. Here it is. I got out into the middle of that thing, and nearly had a panic attack.
These are strangers standing near the edge, and just looking at it makes me nervous.
All my life I’ve been afraid of heights, but only if I feel unprotected. Flying in an airplane doesn’t bother me, and neither does riding a roller coaster. But I don’t care for being near the top of a stepladder. Weird, huh?
Even when I see it happening on TV, it makes me feel weird in the scrotal region. And that’s not a joke. Hopefully somebody can back me up on this? I get a strange sensation down there, and it’s not at all pleasant.
Just a few days ago our oldest son was playing a video game, and his character was climbing along an outside ledge of a building, several stories above the street. And I had to leave the room. It seems ridiculous, but I felt a bolt of panic go through my body when the character looked down.
No thank you. I realize it’s just animation, but I nearly vomited into the magazine rack.
Public speaking I hate to be the center of attention, I really do. Oh, I can publish these updates from my secret room, but I’d have a difficult time reading them to a group of ten or twelve people. Because all eyes would be on me.
I’ve gotten a little better since I started my “new” job (over two years ago), because I’m now required to stand in front of the department and conduct occasional meetings. Somehow I’ve grown semi-accustomed to it, and don’t get nearly as nervous.
In the early days I’d lie awake the night before, worrying. Then I’d arrive at work with bags under my eyes, and hold the meeting looking like a pudgy Alice Cooper, with trashcan lid-sized sweat stains.
So, I’m slightly improved. Improved, but nowhere near cured. Maybe if I went to a two-week speaking camp where I was forced to talk to a roomful of doctors and dentists on top of a natural bridge every day…?
Spiders/snakes When we lived in California our garage was lousy with black widow spiders. And so was everybody else’s. The old-time Cali veterans told us it was something we’d just had to live with, but I wasn’t having any of that nonsense.
I went out there with a D-Con hydrogen bomb, detonated it, and returned the next day. And those indestructible sacks o’ poison were practically laughing in my face. You can’t kill them, unless you step on each individually and grind your foot back and forth like you’re putting out a cig.
So, every time I went into that garage I was convinced an eight-legged death-pouch would fall from the ceiling, bite my neck like a vampire, and put me into instant cardiac arrest. Paradise!
And when I was a kid I spent a couple of days way out in the country somewhere, staying at a friend’s grandparents’ house. And it was like something out of a screaming nightmare.
Snakes were everywhere.
I remember walking through a field, and hearing the grass move every few feet. I saw two HUGE black snakes slithering up the side of an outbuilding. And when we went out on the river in a little rowboat, snakes were swimming in the water all around us. And I swear it’s true, they were also hanging from the trees like Spanish moss. Hanging from the trees!
In case the permanent psychological scarring wasn’t quite deep enough, we were also treated to a real-life scene straight out of a Flannery O’Connor novel.
One afternoon we heard a lot of frantic chirping, the sound of birds freaking out, and noticed a big, shiny black snake curled around the pole of a birdhouse that was WAY up in the air. The snake was slowly inching its way upward, and the birdhouse was apparently full of baby birds that couldn’t fly.
Oh my god! This visit just kept getting better and better… We couldn’t do anything, besides stand there and watch the complete slaughter of these helpless chicks. It was gut-wrenching.
Then, from somewhere nearby: BOOM! It was a shotgun blast, courtesy of my friend’s grandfather. And the snake, now headless, fell to the ground — but still wrapped around the pole.
And I just stood there blinking real fast for the next three minutes or so, trying to process what had just happened before me.
So yeah, spiders and snakes are not my favorites either. I’m not irrationally afraid of them, like I am with heights, but they definitely fall under the heebie-jeebie heading.
Apparently my so-called phobias are fairly standard? According to this, all appear in the top 10 most common. I’m kinda disappointed, if you want to know the truth. I’d like to think I’d be more of a neuroses trailblazer. Oh well.
Now it’s your turn. Use the comments link below to confess your personal phobias. Are you afraid of flying? Thunderstorms? Lesbian dwarves? Tell us all about it, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day!
I have a phobia of not being FIRST!
High Places….not a big fan of ladders. The pictures of that Skywalk over the Grand Canyon makes my sphincter pucker. Also the observation windows of the (formerly) Sears Tower….urp.
Ugh. Tight spaces. Not your normal, “OH MY GOD THE ELEVATOR IS SHRINKING!!!” More, I can’t stand the thought of not being able to move my arms and such. I get creeped out watching those folks on television exploring caves and squeezing though impossibly small cracks and holes. That’s why we came OUT of caves and invented houses, man!!
Jeff-
Oh, almost forgot…I have a HUGE fear of no N&N updates…and my fears have been realized, sadly…
clowns creep me out.I’m not afraid of them,they just annoy the fuck out of me.
dentists,did anyone’s doctor have the old belt driven drill that turned about as fast as a whirling dervish and you could feel every turn of the diabolical drill?
i’d have to say that my only phobia is of heights. i can’t even read about someone standing on a cliff without getting sweaty hands and shaky knees.
top 10 – bonus points!!!!
CHECKPOINT!!!!
I recall going to see The New River Gorge Bridge when it was being built. I was a little kid, and it was not fun. I have never been back there. I don’t care for bridges in general. I walk across one everyday though. Of course, it does not help that the whole bridge moves when coal trucks go across it.
I grew up in the boondocks. We use to catch copperheads and put them on people’s car windshields.
I know what you mean about seeing high places on TV. I was watching one of those Pittsburgh history films the other day (the one about bridges), and I had to change the channel when they showed the view from very top of the middle support structure.
Rats. Goddamn rats. Beady-eyed, nasty little bastards. And Christmas crowds at the mall. Freak followed by hyperventilation.
Yea, top 10, now to go read, lol!!
number 10!!!
ok. now I can contribute. These phobias seem to get worse with age, I dont’ remember them when I was young. Bridges…there is one is Charleston I bought lost it. I swear I could feel the damn thing swinging. I hate roller coasters, and had a full blown panic attack this year on the ferris wheel at the local fair. no shit. don’t laugh. I went with my 5 year old, and once we got to the top I froze…sweating, mumbling crying and the poor kid is soothing me…Never Again. It seems so dumb from the ground, but I have never been so scared. Flying is one of them, I have little clautrophobic attacks on airplanes. No air flow!! I also have a fear of someone hurting my kids…pretty much everything I have no control over.
I am neurotic ok!!! Now I am going to walk around rest of the damn day imagining being on that Ferris Wheel(aghhhh) on top of that bridge and someone threatening to throw my kids off the top with an airplane going over. “”full body shiver””
🙂
Well played tadpolegal…well played!
Mice…I hate them meeces to pieces. And I’m sure if I ever had a chance to meet a rat I prolly wouldn’t like them much either.
I don’t really have a fear of heights but I’ve learned over the years to respect them a little more. Back when I was twenty something I climbed to the top of a 100′ communication tower to change the strobe light, you couldn’t come up with enough money to get me to do that at forty something.
I think there is a medical term for that scrotal feeling you describe but I’m struggling to Google it, I’ll report back later if needed.
I understand the heights thing, but don’t have a problem being on a roof or even on a ladder. It’s the process of getting off the ladder on the roof and vice versa that sends me shuddering.
I also HAD a fear of white milk. Couldn’t drink it, touch it, smell it without gagging and dry heaving. Still can’t drink it, but since having kids, I’m well past having a problem being around it.
I Googled “fear of heights testicles” and found someone who experiences the same thing:
“For the first time in my life, I felt the terror of heights. I was on a mountain with them—on the rim of Mount Vesuvius—and as I was trying to keep our youngest son from squirming away from my grip, I felt a terror that centered in my testicles. ”
From: http://www.theamericanscholar.org/fear-of-falling/
Heights, small spaces, large crowds, very loud noises, doctors (precisely because I’ve been subjected to all manner of invasive medical tests, including the Coleman lantern up the ass), dentists, and worms (worms of size, I should say; small worms just piss me off). Snakes and spiders don’t bother me at all.
Right this minute I’m trying to work up the courage to call my dentist and schedule a crown. I’ve been trying for about a week.
You’ve hit upon my secret fear in your last paragraph, Jeff. I’ve been diagnosed with Homo-Nanosophobia, which is not very well understood by the mental health community at this point. As such, an effective treatment has thus far not been identified for my condition. Until there is a cure or an effective treatment strategy, my doctor has recommended that I not attend any roller derby events or Tom Waites concerts. It feels better just sharing my condition with everyone in this forum.
I think my only real fear is public speaking. And it has subsided quite a lot the older I get. I think these days, in my late forties, I wouldn’t have much problem giving a speech, but it’s still something I try to avoid anyway. But in my teens and twenties it absolutely terrified me. In fact, in grad school I signed up for a public-speaking course to try to overcome my fear, but was experiencing so much anxiety that I canceled after just one class.
I ditto you on the heights, dentists and spiders. I’m ok with snakes and public speaking.
I’m also mildly claustrophobic which is very inconvenient during makeout sessions. If he covers one of my nostrils while kissing me I have to fight off the panic attack, also if he puts too much weight on my chest, same thing. So maybe it’s more of a fear of not being able to breathe.
I hate hate ferris wheels but love roller coasters, even the ones that go upside down.
I also hate driving in bad weather or long distances. I’m talking have to pop a valium before I even get the car bad.
Damn I’m fucked up.
Moist assrabbits make me shudder.
That and heights – I never had a fear of heights until a summer of window washing and painting…one or two close calls changes your whole ‘tude sometimes.
Wasps/hornets/bees/yellowjackets the whole family can just go fuck themselves. When I was little I put on a pair of jeans that came complete with hornet. I felt a little prick (made you smile) and ran in to the house. Mom emptied a can of raid in to my pants and my 7 yr old eyes saw this foot long monster of a wasp swagger out of the jeans. Mom took up a defensive postion between me and the death beast and then attacked with a fury that kept me in line for quite some time. Once the death monster that shot acid coated pieces of glass out of it’s fully extended attack probe (at least 16″ long to a 7 yr olds eyes) was turned in to mush I looked down to see the burning that was my upper thigh. I thought how strange that I was growing a third nut in the side of my leg but what of it.
Spiders just give me the willies.
Swami – I’ve been looking for years for a term that describes the constriction of the scrotal sack in response to fear or discomfort – hearing someone talk about injuring their feet (step on a nail) makes the boys seek protection and comfort as close to the rest of me as possible. SHRINKAGE!!!! I’ve yet to find the official term. Yes I have a lot of time on my hands sometimes.
I am terrified of doctors for the exact reasons you stated. I have to feel like I’m two steps from death’s door before I can force myself to visit one.
I also have a great fear of roaches. I’m getting chills just thinking about them.
My phobia is definitely heights, especially in a car where there is about 6 inches between the edge of the right lane and a 500 foot cliff. Yea, I am sure that little 2 foot guide rail is going to keep my 3 ton SUV from busting through and plunging me to my death.
Those TV commercials where some guy is driving about 80 miles per hour out in California on that road up on a rock hillside with about 1,000 feet drop off between the road and the ocean make my balls suck up to my throat.
Snakes, spiders, rats, I don’t care. I can kill all of those.
I also hate the dentist, but I have drugs for that. 20 MG of valium, and you could amputate both of my legs with a dull knife while I watch.
Clowns…oh my God do I fucking hate clowns.
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me…I’m afraid of widths”….Steven Wright.
The testicle retraction comes from the medulla reacting to a fight or flight situation and instantly reducing bloodflow to certain areas of the body while increasing it, and a bunch of other hormones, notably adrenaline.
Jeff…was that pic at Sky Bridge at the Red River Gorge in KY? I used to go camping there all the time…looks fairly familiar.
. . . to other areas of the body. (No idea why that first part went without the end.)
I am not a fan of going in dark bodies of water (lakes, rivers, ponds). All those creepy water plans and slimy fish touching you? Plus I had a dream I was swimming in a local lake once and as I was walking in the shallower end of the lake I discovered I was walking on dead bodies, and that was it for me.
I also have an extreme fear of car accidents. I don’t like driving on the express way or busy areas, and I prefer taking back roads everywhere.
Definitely share the fear of heights, and I can barely even climb a stepladder without my knees knocking.
This ridiculous East Coast winter we are having has revived one of my greatest phobias…ice. I am deathly scared of falling on the ice. Probably because back in the 90s, we had a winter of terrible ice storms, and during the winter, I had a cartoon like fall, where my feet went out from under me, I flew up in the air, and then landed flat on my back, wailing my head against a cement step, knocking me unconcious. So, yeah, I don’t handle ice very well.
bees.
definitely bees, & any of the other goddamned flying, stinging thingies –
when I was about 3 or 4 at my grandparents cabin, I somehow got hold of a hammer & proceeded to whack the shit out of anything & everything – including the woodshed; which, it turns out, was the home to a large nest of yellow jackets or some such critters – I was quickly engulfed in a cloud of the little fuckers, dropped the hammer & ran screaming willy-nilly through the yard whilst being repeatedly stung from head to toe until my grandmother came & whisked me into the house – I spent the rest of the day covered in dabs of moistened baking soda –
to this day I will run & shriek like a little girl if I even think one is near me – my wife gets a kick out of it – in fact, on the drive up to our honemoon getaway, one got in the truck somehow & while she tried to keep it pinned between the rear sliding glass windows, I pulled off the highway at the next exit full speed into the parking lot of a subway shop or somesuch, slammed on the brakes & leaped from the vehicle like it was on fire yelling “get it!!! get it!!!” – the cop eating his sandwich leaning on his police cruiser was quite amused –
Darkness. In all it’s evil lurid forms
@JQ Brat – WTH are you kissing that cover’s a nostril?????
My phobias are pretty standards, heights, small spaces etc.
I have a phobia of yesterday’s labia pic.
Heights. Spiders. Midgets. Clowns.
I am big ‘ol sac of wienies.
I, too, am scared of heights. Just the same as Jeff I can handle an airplane or tall building as long as there is a floor and rails of some sort but can’t do ladders or roofs. I was walking on my lunch hour last year with a friend from work and they had closed a bridge on our path and we (in order to be back in time) crossed a railroad bridge over the river that was open on the bottom and sides. I did it becasuse my fear of uneployment is greater than my fear of heights. It was horrifying though and i would never do that again. full blown panic set in about half way across. I shook for the remainder of the afternoon.
I am also afraid of germs to some degree and rats and mice.
Angry husbands, chasing me with 12-guages scare the living shit out of me.
Jeff…what did your parents do to you?
I hate public speaking…I will never do it ever again. Mice freak me out I have to admit…sneaky little bastards.
WB…appreciated the Pixie and Dixie reference, as well as Lee Harvey’s Waits reference.
Is there a medical term for the fear of running out of toilet paper?
From North of the Border I found this and it explains the Cremasteric Reflex quite well.
http://www.billcasselman.com/canadian_sayings_three/csthree_five_fear_saying.htm
I’d look up “medulla” on Wikipedia, but I now have a fear of looking up any body part on Wikipedia, after yesterday’s horror show.
OMG….Spiders… of any size. Deathly afraid. My boyfriend used to think it was funny until this past summer I stepped into my morning shower before work. Rinsing my hair I looked up to see the biggest, hairiest fucking small dog with eight legs crawling along the shower rod….right above my head. I freaked the fuck out and ran naked, soaking wet out of the shower and into the livingroom where I proceded to have a major panic attack.
Thank God my boyfriend hadn’t left for work yet cause I would have burned the fucking house down to kill it. He runs into the bathroom and all I hear through my screaming and crying, “HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH IT?” He didn’t know whether to shit or wind his watch either and shit like that doesn’t bother him.
I don’t even know how he got rid of it and I don’t wanna know. The fucking thing was so big I swear it had eyelashes. That night we were at the Home D-Pot buying gallons of bug spray to exterminate the house.
And, by the way….chicks get that “feeling” in the “nether region” too… at least I do.
Oh….and flying…I have a fear of flying. No control. What goes up, must come down. My boyfriend is traveling for work this week. Had to fly. I was a nervous wreck until I heard his voice and he was on the ground.
I’m learning so freaking much – what a service this blog is!!!!
– CREMASTERIC REFLEX – and that chicks get it too (?)
– that I’m not alone in my fears
– I am not the only big guy to run around and scream like a little girl at the site of a bee
some other things that freak me out
– Transvestites dressed as clowns
– Head cheese
– those little spare tires
– green ink pens
– coupons
– yellow cleaning gloves
– Tuesdays
– lederhosen
– Taragon
– shoe laces where the little plastic nubs have worn off
– mirrored sunglasses
– the word Danke schön
– irredescent items
– Ayrians
– belly button lint
– not having a kleenix when I need one
– relish
– condoms
thats pretty much it – beyond that I’m quite well adjusted
Bikerchick: I get that feeling in the nether region too. Thank gawd you said chicks also experience it, I was beginning to think my parents had been hiding an awful secret.
And for all the rodent-phobes out there, don’t get one of these capybaras as a pet: http://gianthamster.com/ I’m totally fine with mice and rats, but these fuckers give even me the willies.
Buttercup: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.’s?
Westley: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.
[Immediately, an R.O.U.S. attacks him]
Hot Fuzz: That’s what they named it after. And it fits. :-&
Totally agree on the black widows. I worked in the Central Valley of CA, at a gas station. We had automatic lights set to turn on/off according to a timer. The timer was outside, in a hot, dark electric box. I was told to reset the time one daylight savings day. I opened it up, reached down, and there was a big fat black cocksucking widow right on the timer. I calmly walked back in and told the manager that she was awesome to work for, but I would not be doing that, even if I were fired. She understood, and I’m not sure the lights were ever changed.
Joe
I’m afraid of snakes, heights and the dentist. Add fire to that and you have every paranoia that plagues me.
I even see a picture of a snake and I turn into a chicken shit.
Thanks for the great shot of the snake biting that guy’s face. I’m standing on my chair typing this.
Oh, and my wife is afraid of heights, big time. When we go to a ball game, if we’re up in the nosebleeds, I have to help her down the bleachers. I sort of understand, though I don’t feel it in those situations. But if I were up in a hot air balloon, I’d feel the same way – somehow, I just know that I’d accidentally fling myself over the side, just like she’s accidentally going to somehow go barreling down the bleachers and smack third base with her head.
Joe