Seriously. This thing has been hanging around our house for many years, possibly a decade or more. Where the hell did it come from?! It’s an outlier. There are no other forks like it in the silverware drawer. So, what the shit, man? How did it get in here? What’s its history?
I hate that rogue fork, and will not use it. Toney knows this by now, and never assigns it to me. But in the past I’d make a point of getting up and trading it for an official sanctioned utensil, something I can assume we actually purchased somewhere along the way. God only knows this thing’s background. I’m thinking it rode in with an outside pasta salad, or something, and never left.
And look at it! I hate the way that center groove is longer than the other ones. It’s trying too hard. There’s no way in hell I’d ever be standing in a store and say, “Yes! That is the fork for me.” And that rose pattern on the handle? Fuck that shit.
Sure, I could throw it in the trash and have considered it many times. Believe me. However, it’s functional and everybody else in the house uses it with no problem. How is this possible?! Anyway, I have a hard time tossing something that still works. Probably because I grew up during the depression. OK, that part’s not true. But I still don’t like throwing something away that has an ongoing purpose. Ya know?
There’s also a highly questionable towel up in here. I’m talking a full-sized bath towel, with a completely unknown origin story. WTF?? How does this keep happening? I wouldn’t even touch that horrible thing for years, but at this point… it’s been washed hundreds of times. Whatever ball spores or cooter residue was embedded in the fabric has long since been eradicated. So, I use it. But I’m never thrilled about it.
Do you have any rogue items in your home? Things you notice every once in a while, and think, “Seriously, how did that crap get in here?” If so, please share in the comments.
I have to be at work early today, so I need to cut this one a little short. But before I go, I want to recommend another holiday gift item for you guys. How about 38,400 batteries?! Imagine the looks of pure joy when your loved ones unwrap the pallet! Buy a dozen or more.
Also, I meant to mention this last time… Metten and Lakrfool are starting to resurrect Mockable. It’s still early days, but please check it out. Those are a couple of funny dudes, right there.
I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have a great weekend!
Support us by doing your shopping at Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you guys!
Thanks much for the plug. I’d be willing to bet a small sum of money that the fork has been washed and sanitized at least as many times as the towel. Why doesn’t the same logic apply?
I have no issue with the towel, except I don’t know where it came from. I have many issues with the fork.
Having had swimmers in my house too, I can guarantee that towel came from the pool
Rogue forks have always bothered me, too. Fork dat!
We have some rogue spoons. I figured out their origin, though. I noticed the spoon I sent with my son in his lunchbox never came home. He was turning them in, or throwing them away. So I stopped sending spoons with him, knowing he would just use one of the school’s. Then he started bringing those home with him. Not many, 1 or 2. I didn’t turn them back in; it was a fair trade, IMO.
I keep clicking on your Amazon gift ideas and it’s thrown my Amazon recommendations into a frenzy. Amazon now seems to think I have one of those black American Express cards.
I can see a rougue fork, spoon, or God forbid a butter knife. They’re smaller and are easier lose track of. But how about a rougue dinner plate?!
What Joe T. won’t tell you is that he speaks Esperanto.
Cu vi povas mangi glaciajon per forko?
(accent marks omitted)
jtb
A small towel – not small enough to be considered a hand towel, but too small to be a bath towel – showed up out of nowhere. It moved with me from college to Atlanta and through three more moves since. When we had the flooring replaced in our house this past April, I had to clear out the linen closet and put that thing in a box to go to Goodwill. Probably had it for about 17 years and never knew where it came from.
Also had an odd wine glass for the longest time that I refused to use, but no more rogue silverware or kitchen items of any kind reside in my house. I purged them during our last move and will never allow another to take up residence. Never!
No forks – but I brought my laundry home from the laundromat one day and found a pair of women’s underwear at the bottom of my basket. I guess someone tossed them in a washer or dryer I was using.
Back in the 1980s, I found a spoon wedged in the trap of the kitchen sink in my apartment. I may still have it. I also have a tennis racket that I found in the attic of the rental house I lived in during the 1990s. No, I don’t play tennis.
In the house now, I have many odds and ends that came with the house: silverware, towels, paint roller frames, etc. That silverware is in the the secondary silverware drawer – for emergency use only.
But in all cases, I know where the stuff came from.
Rogue Fork: A Flatware Story is out next Friday.
We, too, have a rogue fork. I also refuse to use it.
One of the outside tines is slightly bent, like it was used to stab a rock or something, and I can’t remember if it was always that way or not. Probably not; I bet a kid used it outside for who-knows-what.
I checked out that battery deal.
Not rechargeable, what’s up with dat?
What marketing genius decided to call a lithium battery “SureFire”?
surefire is a tacticool flashlight company, and sells branded batteries as well.
Surely, surely if you were going to add lithium batteries to your “SureFire” product line, you’d sub-brand them. I know people don’t expect much from a tacticool products company, but catching airplanes on fire seems to be pushing the joke over the edge. On the other hand, if you didn’t bother to rebrand, you might as well sell your Surefire lithium batteries in lots of 38,400, on the premise of go big or go to your burned out home.
Sometimes I shake my head, and sometimes I just shake.
jtb
I thought it was funny.
Mystery Tupperware or other unmarked food containers. Okay if not stained.
I have an actual Ginsu knife that can (and has!) cut through a tin can. Except I know where it came from – it arrived as a free sample in the mail in the 70s. Still have it and use it occasionally.
In Japan, the foot can split a watermelon. Or something.
My Ginsu knives were a gift for signing up for a Sears credit card circa 1983. My first credit card. I think I bought a Betamax with it. Two of those knives still exist.
I have a rogue fork, not sure where it came from. Looks similar to the other flatware, so it stays in ciculation.
No rogue flatware. But you know those two or three spoons that tangled with the garbage disposal? When I was a kid it offended my sense of order to mix them in with the other teaspoons in the drawer, so I would place them at the end of the spoon queue. But that didn’t work either because what if it made them feel bad to be singled out like that? My father finally convinced me that spoons truly did not have feelings; I eventually stopped noticing their difference and they earned a willy-nilly drawer placement. I sure hope he was right about that.
Somewhere there are two mangled spoons in heavy therapy sessions.
Ack!
Years, make that decades ago, we were having work done in one of our bathrooms. The contractor looked just like Wimpy from Popeye. And Wimpy liked to drink coffee with us. We gave him a mug nobody else cared for. After the job was completed nobody wanted to drink out of the Wimpy mug. I almost stabbed my sister with a fork quite like the one pictured. First fights would break out when the lone Wimpy mug was the only one available. I think we finally threw the thing out after years of fighting over it.
I have a rogue pair of underwear. They are huge sailboat white Hanes her way. They come up to my chin. I think my mother left them when she spent some time with us.
There is fork in the communal cutlery office kitchen that I work in the size of a pitchfork. No one can possibly have a mouth that big. Makes me giggle when I see it.
I am married for the second time, just completing 16 years. I have had a rogue friend of my wife who keeps showing up. We moved for New York to Oregon, and suddenly she is with us. WE moved from Oregon to New Jersey and a year later, here she is again. Do you think Goodwill would take hr?
I am offended….forks lives matter…..racists!
The slot in the middle of the utensil indicates that this is a dessert fork rather than a salad fork, although dessert forks are usually a little wider.
Utensils are not a protected class under the constitution or federal statute. The fourteenth amendment to the constitution does protect the rights, privileges and immunities of persons born or naturalized in the United States. Thus, black lives do, in fact, matter. This reflects directly back to the fourth amendment which clarifies what some of those rights are.
The first amendment, clarified by Supreme Court decision, protects the right to burn the American flag in protest of injustice. The amendment, part of the United States Constitution, cannot be changed without a vote of two thirds of the House of Representatives and two thirds of the Senate, followed by approval of the legislatures of three quarters of the states. It can’t be changed by the tweet of a madman.
Hope this helps.
jtb
You tined it all together very nicely, jtb!
Thanks Madz. Just to put a bow on it, sometimes when the tweeter-in-chief gathers his cabinet for dinner, including salad fork and dessert fork, one feels in impulse to let in a little fresh air. . .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amYzBQMT4VI
Prank by Tony?
Looks like your silverware drawer has been hacked by the Russians. Throw it all away before this gets out of hand.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
My wife hosted a potluck Christmas (Holiday?) get together for some of her friends from grad school yesterday. After everyone left I noticed a rogue spoon in the sink that someone had obviously brought to serve whatever not-very-tasty-but-still-have-to-say-it-looks-delicious-thanks-for-bringing food they provided. I immediately thought of this post. If not claimed within a week or so, I may make the executive decision to throw it away rather than let it get mixed into the rotation of our everyday silverware (stainless steelware?). I can’t have a crazy handled non-symmetrical spoon messing up the stack. If all the silver doesn’t match it doesn’t stack in the drawer correctly and I have enough on my mind than to worry about that. Okay that settles it, I’m throwing it away as soon as I get home.