Many years ago I was driving on Interstate 64, between Dunbar and Charleston, and my girlfriend at the time suddenly leaned to one side and unleashed Satan himself into the cab of my Luv truck. It was a confusing turn of events, because she’d never farted in front of me before. But on this day, for whatever reason, she tilted toward the window and put her entire abdomen behind it.
The stink was almost instant, and as pungent as anything I’d ever experienced. It had a real kick: possibly cauliflower-based. Tears LEAPED from my eyes, and my esophagus began to spasm. “What the hell??” I hollered. I couldn’t believe it, and she was over there just laughing and laughing and laughing.
I tried to play it off, like it was a funny joke. But I was disgusted, fully and completely. There’s an old Eddie Murphy standup bit, in which he claims we all secretly want to smell each others’ farts. And maybe I’m the weird one, but I don’t fall under (or anywhere near) Eddie’s ass-sniffing umbrella. I especially don’t want to get a lungful of my girlfriend’s shit mist. I mean, seriously.
But, of course, I was a gigantic hypocrite, because I farted with impunity in front of all my girlfriends through the years. Until I met Toney, that is. For some reason I’ve attempted to maintain a pucker in her presence. Occasionally something will go awry, and the seal will be broken. But I don’t walk around the house brazenly blasting ass anymore, and making the trucker air horn motion with my right hand.
My kids are a different story, though… They’re boys, and farting is part of boy culture. So, if their mother isn’t home, all bets are off. Sometimes it sounds like Normandy Beach in here.
I dated another girl — lived with her, in fact — who would let ’em rip whenever she wanted. But for some reason it was easier to take with her. She had a farter’s personality, if you know what I mean. She was very plainspoken, and didn’t give a single dingle what people thought of her. She routinely told people to fuck off in public, so when she tilted to one side on our couch, it was just a logical extension of her, um, essence.
My dad lets ’em fly in front of my mother, but she certainly doesn’t fire back. And maybe that’s why I’m so conflicted on the subject of female butt-trumpeting? I know it’s not fair, but I’m not really a fan of it. Generally speaking. Maybe if my mom was more like my dad, and had used the wooden dining room chairs as an acoustic catapult, I wouldn’t have this low-wattage hang-up today? It’s hard to know.
And I realize this one isn’t lengthy, but I laughed a few times while writing it. So, that might be a good sign. In the comments section, please bring us up to date on your feelings about flatulent friends and loved ones. Do you have any feelings on this subject, one way or the other? Is it every sphincter for himself at your house, or do you try to maintain some rectal decorum? Tell us about it, won’t you?
And I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.
Have a great day.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself at Amazon: US and Canada
The Missus and I still apologize to each other. Must be in the honeymoon stage still, I guess.
I will let one loose in my husband’s presence, but will always apologize for it. Unless, I can pretend to be sleeping when it happens. Sleep farts are open territory in our house.
Mike the Ripper says
Farts are funny!
I like that the entire update was on farting, that’s some killer pinache.
Personally, I like to pretend that girls don’t poop. I don’t freak out if my wife lets one go, but I don’t care for it. I am the one who first “broke the ice” in our relationship so I’m really not allowed to complain.
Yes, I realize it’s a double standard, but Id really perfer to never hear any woman fart ever again. Guys farting, well, that’s just funny.
The female of the species are not allowed to fart, sweat, or swear. I do all three with malice and forethought. The farting especially, as I have a digestive disorder in which my innards are permanently set to The Ryan’s Steakhouse Experience. So, fukkit.
FYI, males can hold in their farts far more successfully than females. It takes a lot more effort for us women to “maintain”, as it were.
I want your first two sentences on a t-shirt!
Thanks. If you do take the plunge just change “are not allowed” to “is not allowed”. Sweat must have been in my eyes or somethin’.
my ex bf used to demand that i never fart in front of him even though he was a gross pig that would always let em rip. my husband now doesnt care if i fart, he farted in front of me since day one and i didnt care and he didnt care if i farted. i fart if i have to but im not gross about it. the way i see it is everyone does it but we should all try to be discreet and mature about it.
“Discreet and mature” aren’t words usually associated with farting.
First of all, you can’t hold your tummy in and look svelt with a belly full of gas. AND if you have tight jeans on, it’s double trouble.
My boyfriend farts, proudly, on the leather couch. He can drink a glass of water and get gas. I do try to hold it in and gently let it out. SBD.
Anyway… He tells me I fart a-plenty in my sleep. He referenced a tuba. Otherwise, I do try to keep it in. Act like a lady, ya know. If it does slip out, at least I do it with my pinky out.
The “Emily Post” of farting!
The pinky out sounds quite sophisticated. I wonder if it’d work for a male, or if it would just lead to being labelled a poofter farter?
LMAO!! Pinky up, awesome.
My friends and family have been doing the extended pinky thing for at least 20 years.
The rule is you don’t have to excuse yourself if your pinky is out.
I’m with Jeff on this one. I refrain from farting in front of my wife of 10 years and as far as she knows I’ve never taken a shit. I’ve never been a public farter. Maybe there’s some psychological reason, but when it comes to anything involving my ass (farting, shitting, hemoroids, etc) I’m an extreme recluse.
For some inexplicable reason, my first pee of the morning results in one long continuous and paired fart/pee. Men would have statues erected.
We don’t fart around each other but every once in a while my nostrils will be raped by a noxious odor and the Barney Rubble shoulder shaking/laughing from Beloved lets me know he let one rip.
Question for the men folk: What is so funny about farts? Is it the noise? Or the horrific odor that causes your loved ones to turn green and breathe into their shirts?
I think it’s both. The louder the funnier, especially in the shower. Or those crop dusters that kill an entire crowd in one swoop.
“Question for the men folk: What is so funny about farts? Is it the noise? Or the horrific odor that causes your loved ones to turn green and breathe into their shirts?”
I guess it’s neither of those things, because I was laughing reading your comment and had neither sound nor smell effects.
I think it is the misery set upon others.
Other peoples misfortune is funny, and a fart is a simple efective way of imposing misery on others.
We are all so cruel.
Schadenfreude in its purest form.
It must go back to caveman times as thinking farts are funny is totally engrained in us. Maybe that’s what we did around campfires before singing was invented.
WB in OH says
Sort of like this, only in caveman costumes?
That was funny as hell!
Mr. Kay in good form for sure!
I simply blame the dog. Until TW tells the dog to move away from me before he gets shit upon.
since we’re on the subject…………
Joey Jo Jo says
Cuppa cheese! Cuppa cheese!
I’ve only got one rule… no blatant stinking up the car. If you gotta, roll down the window first and give a warning before the siren sounds. I don’t want to smell it, and I’ll return the favor. Fuck up that simple request, and you will know the wrath of my peanut binge for I possess the window lockout switch.
Crop dusting is a family past time, and for some reason, grocery stores seem to really bring it out of all of us… ALWAYS run point if you are shopping with my mother… holy hell that woman can peel paint.
I’m laughing out loud here thinking about all the unsuspecting souls who have stumbled into the cloud while perusing the various breads, or deciding on what celary they want…
Hey, how come this stupid comments thing edited out my bracketed comments? Stupid fucking software assholes who think they know better than me what I’m writing…
It isn’t my job to assess the accuracy of your writing, so fuck that, but funny is another matter…”Normandy” works. For Americans, “Utah Beach” or “Omaha Beach” works; for Canadians, “Juno Beach”. But “Normandy Beach” isn’t as funny as any of the above. Just trying to be helpful.
Perhaps I did share too much information yesterday. Whatever–writing about farting is always funny. I laughed all the way through today’s.
Joey Jo Jo says
“Shit mist.” ROOOOOFL
I almost pissed my pants at “trucker air horn motion” – fantastic post! It’s a free for all at our house, but I ALWAYS excuse myself after wind escapes, so that makes up for it.
tracy in ohio says
I never once farted in front of my husband for the first 8.5 years. It was a good run but I can’t seem to keep them contained too much anymore. He doesn’t appreciate it much but I just laugh and laugh. I think my humor has gotten more juvenile as time has gone on.
better out than in is our motto.and btw…as kids we used to “cup” them in our hands…and then open your hand up in the unsuspectings face.hahahahahaha.
Great update. Farts are always funny, except when they turn on you.
Eugene B. Sims says
Damn funny! Normandy got me big time.
Wife and I have been married for 4 years, I never fart in front of her, even in bed getting ready for lights out, I will go to the bathroom and turn on the fan to fart. Also a very private shitter, on the first day of the American invasian of Iraq I didn’t shit all day, by midnight I really had to go and we were told to shit right in the middle of everybody because outside of our very tiny cirlcle we hadn’t cleared for land mines, told my sgt. i would rather get blowed up than shit in front of other people like an animal and went out behind a bush and took a shit. I definitely have hangups…
Dog is a killer. During dinner one night, she let loose under the table. Daughter’s boyfriend looked at me with a nasty smirk. I informed him it was the dog. He smirked again. I left the table, and the dog let him have a blast from hell. He couldn’t even finish his dinner. I told him, “See, it wasn’t me”, sat down and finished my dinner. She got extra treats that night.
Kenny D. says
My Uncle’s dog use to walk across the room, fart, and then return to her bed across the room.
Years ago, I had a sex toy party at my house for a friend who was trying to start her own side business of selling dildo’s and whatnot. Yes, I am a very good friend…..
I had about 15 girls all gathered in my small livingroom, sitting on the couch, dining room chairs and the floor. Mixed in between everybody were my nosey pugs (Stella and Bruno). Well, Stella decided to position herself on the couch, front paws hanging off the edge to watch the action.
My friend had just brought out some butt plug thing….it looked like a string of Pop Beads with a ring at the end to “yank” with. (!?!?). Just then, Stella let go a silent fart. Everyone jerked back and grimmaced at the exact same time. It was putred. At that point, one of my friends yells, “JESUS CHRIST! This is exactly the stank I would get if I yanked that fuckin’ thing out of my husbands ass!” Needless to say no butt plugs were sold…..well..as far as I know. Everything was divvied out in a paperbag, you know, for privacy purposes.
“dining room chairs as an acoustic catapult” – you are a master of the written language.
Am I the only one thinks it is funny when driving to push the “window lock” button?
Chuck in Belpre says
Mornings are the worst. I sometimes make a sound like a Trailways leaving Moline. I try to hold it other times until I am alone. Very private pooper, also.
My own vehicular aspiration is more towards the “jake brake”.
Do pussy farts count?
Chuck in Belpre says
Yeah. They count. In fact, if they are as loud as a regular fart, they get extra points.
I think I fall into that “farter’s personality” category. For anyone who knows me, nothing I do surprises them.
I did feel mildly embarrassed about farting…ONCE.
I was in Go Mart. I told the cashier (a friend of mine) that I had gas. (meaning that I needed to pay for gas).
He said, “You have gas again?”
I said, “Damn right I have gas.” And thinking it was just he and I in the store, leaned to the left and let a giant fart rip.
Apparently, some guy was standing behind me (which I didn’t realize) and he was horrified.
I started laughing like I was insane and the harder I laughed, the more horrified he looked.
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when he walked into work and told everyone that some woman farted on him at Go Mart.
I was this -><- close to taking a drink… If I read a little slower I'd be cleaning up the keyboard. Thanks.
My wife and I often eat cheese as a snack. When it was snack time one evening last week, I played dumb on which cheese was which. The wife got aggravated with me, finally shouting across the house [which was full of guests]…..
“I can cut the cheese better than you anyway!”
The first time my wife met my parents, I was nervous. Because they are the most critical people I have ever met.
After we left and I was driving back home, a distance of about 90 miles, I started cramping. I mean I had a hard time maintaining control of the car, because of the cramps.
And because I was in pain, and my future wife was so concerned I missed my exit to jump from I-85 to Business 85. By staying on 85 I was still able to get were I was going, but it prolonged my trip.
When I finally got off of 85 she insisted that I stop and buy myself milk to settle my stomach. That was the worst thing I could have done, because it cranked it up a notch.
By the time I got her back to her apartment, I was experiencing the worst pain I had ever known. I told her I was going home. But she would not hear of it. She was afraid I would wreck the car.
So, I went into her apartment and laid across her bed, in total misery. Finally she asked me if I needed to fart. And before I could even answer she said go ahead.
She didn’t need to tell me twice. I commenced to farting one right after another for an extended period of time. I had her bedroom smelling like pure shit. Then her roommate came home, and said what’s that horrible smell in here. Jesus Criminy that’s rotten.
This was awkward because the roommate was a co-worker of mine, and I would see her the next day, knowing she has smelled my shit scent.
From that moment I never held back. It was an ice breaker. And now I love to showboat. I also try to teach my son to do likewise.
I’m looking forward to having grandkids.
“Pull my finger.”
My husband can trumpet with the best of them…and it’s all over….doesn’t matter what time of day OR night…sleep or awake…I have an unusual talent of being able to give him back exactly what he screamed at me…same pitch, tone, length…and usually smell…so there….more power to the female trumpateers!! Hahahahaha…great one today!! Power to the pooters!!
As a husband and father of 3 girls I have all farting responsibilities of the household. A job I take very seriously and successfully.
I once let one loose at a McDonalds and moms were checking their kids diapers searching for the culprit.
Good Morning Surf Reporters……..
….farts are funny. Farts are cute. Farts in the bathtub go ‘bloop, bloop, bloop’.
Thank you, thank you…. I’ll be here all week.
Ha! As George Carlin once said “Farts are shit without the mess!”
My husband is Le Pétomane reincarnated. However, he acts shocked when I respond as enthusiastically (which is ALMOST never). My 2 year old and 4 year old boys think they are the funniest thing ever – both for them and for Mommy. Mommy farting is HYSTERICAL for boy toddlers.
/just lost my girl-card
//won’t miss it
Bill in WV says
OT, but did you folks see my Mountaineers lay an EPIC ass-whooping on Clemson last night? 70-33 shit-kicker.
Chuck in Belpre says
Loved every minute of it. 🙂
OMFG I’m crying here trying not to laugh so hard!
Jim Giggins says
I farted in front of my girlfriend’s dad a few days ago. First time ever farting in front of him becuse he’s a very formal guy from The Old Country, and all of his social interactions are very stilted. I decided to boost one out, figuring since he was hard of hearing he probably wouldn’t notice. So I let it rip and when my gf scolded me I reminded her he was hard of hearing. Then she reminded me that he had his new hearing aid, at which point I said, “Jenni!! Not in front of your dad. Have some respect.” The I looked at him and said, “I guess it’s just the way you raised her.” My gf objected of course, but I stuck to my story. I plan to come completely out of the closet and just lean sideways whenever I feel the need. This new-found freedom is heady.