During the past week I’ve attended two semi-formal dinners, where I was forced to wear fancy-pants and stand around making chitchat with a cocktail in my hand. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I’d make the world’s worst politician… I hate schmoozing, am terrified of public speaking, and tend to roll my eyes a lot, in exasperation. Hey, maybe if I ran on the Misanthropic Shut-in ticket?
The first event was at a restaurant in Wilkes-Barre, where the menu was enormous but only had about eight items listed on it. I went with the New York Strip steak, which cost “38.” There was no dollar sign, or .99 after the price. You know, because it’s sophisticated. My meal was brought out on a giant square plate, by a rather severe gentleman with a cloth napkin over his forearm.
On Saturday evening Toney and I were at a country club, where she chatted-up the room and I just stood there with a charley-horse smile on my face. When I got home I considered putting a heating pad on my jaw, because of all the fake smiling. But I just had a Yuengling instead.
I don’t do well in situations where I have to imitate a mature adult. Ya know? I don’t have a problem amongst my own (in a beer bar with guys who love the Hollywood Knights), but when I have to play the part of regular suburban dad… I struggle.
Also, when I walked past a wall of mirrors on Saturday evening I caught a glimpse of myself in my Sunday go-to-meetin’ clothes, and audibly gasped. “I look like goddamn Ted Kennedy!” I hollered. “Ted Kennedy without the money and the power – and that’s no good!!”
And as I shouted the second part of my outburst, an unknown woman came around the corner, and Toney was buckled over in laughter.
Earlier the same day we, along with both boys, were driving through the parking lot of Wegmans, and I had a mini-meltdown. People were stopping their cars in front of the store, apparently confused and not knowing how to proceed. I was screaming, and waving my hands around.
While I ranted a guy walked between my car, and the one in front of me. And he turned toward us as he walked, and it was… our very own Joe T! A Surf Report regular, catching me in mid-freak-out.
I haven’t spoken with him – I didn’t see him inside the store – so I don’t know if he noticed me losing my mind, and yelling, “Get out of the way, you bag o’ whores! Have you never been outside your house before?? Do you not know how a parking lot works?!” Maybe he can give his side of the story in the comments, if he sees this.
And, only a half-hour later, inside the front door of Sam’s Club, someone laid-down a monster fart that covered an incredible amount of square footage. People were coughing, and pounding their chests, and hunkering down as if under fire. It was amazing. I could still smell this gigantic assplosion all the way to the farthest TV aisle. And to quote Scott, my old Atlanta office-mate, “Somebody needs to see a physician!”
Why would a person do something like that? Just throw open their anus in a crowded store on a Saturday afternoon? It’s mind-boggling to me. Somebody should’ve called Homeland Security.
I have a hard time dealing with the general public, I really do. My tolerance level used to be around a 5 (admittedly, it’s never been very high), but now it’s down to a 2 or 3. If I was forced to work retail for one day, I’d surely be arrested.
Plus, I look like the Liberty Bell in a golf shirt. …I hope I can count on your vote in November?
Before we get to the predictable Question of the Day, I’d like to alert you guys to a few quick things:
On Friday I added another Ads vs. Reality photo: the Burger King BK Big Fish sandwich. Unfortunately it doesn’t look too bad, but you can see it here.
Also, I expended a little extra effort on two recent updates, and want to link to them one last time before they disappear into the archives: my story about having to get glasses when I was in fourth grade, and the latest Explanations for Aliens report, about going to the gym. If you haven’t read those yet, I’d be honored if you could click over and give ’em a shot.
And finally, Jason Headley (who wrote this masterpiece) is creating a series of video shorts I think you guys will enjoy. The series is called At the Bar, and features Jason himself, and an actor friend named Scott McCabe. They’ve done three so far, and you can watch them here. Don’t skip this one, folks! They’re really funny, and well-done.
Now, for the Question… I’d like to know that I’m not alone in my simmering rage all weekend. So, in the comments section below, please tell us what’s ticked you off during the past few days. What’s the fresh outrage in your life? We need to know.
And I’ll be back tomorrow, my friends.
Have a great day!
Now playing in the bunker
Follow Jeff on Twitter and Facebook
Yep.
You should have introduced yourself as Mr. Newbomb Turk.
Good god. I had to refrain from howling like a mad man here at work after reading about the death cloud in Sam’s Club.
It’s easy for coworkers to think you’re crazy when you just start laughing for no reason and they can’t see you…
Not any unusual outrages, just regular. I did get greeted this morning with a group photo from a seminar I was in last week. When the fuck did I get a double chin like tht????? I look like goddamn Bert Large. Sigh.
A fun thing I like to do is back up to the toilet paper in the grocery store and cut the cheese.
Why do people go to the self-checkout, then take their sweet ass time and try to scan produce with one hand while talking on the cell phone with the other? Bastards!
My latest outrage was the horrendous meltown of “The Ohio State University” mens basketball team Saturday night. I’m over it now. Sort of.
Pulling for KU tonight.
I’m pretty much always pissed off to some degree, the weekend offered up no reprieve or new reason for that matter. I completely appreciate the parking lot madness, here in Jersey “Non-douchebag Operator” is optional on most late edition sport models….
Ok, I’ll go back to shaking my fist at random strangers now….
When are the Misanthropic Shut-in primaries? I’d like to know when I should, but won’t, get out to vote.
My fresh outrage is that crazy coupon people, not normal coupon people the really crazy ones, aren’t forced by penalty of law to where sandwich signs identifying them as crazy coupon people. I need to know well ahead of time that I am getting in line behind a fuckhead.
My morning fresh, right out of the oven, outrage is some bullshit at work.
I have to do something that sucks, I work for the government so I’m cool with that. (the reward to effort ratio is way high). But to do this I have to go through some training. The lead organization sends me this:
“Go to genericgovernmentonlinetraining.gov and do your training.”
I go to the generic training website and click on the “Training” link.
I’m borught to a page with about 40 different training events.
Then I ask the lead organization, ‘Which one of these 40 things do I have to do.”
He comes back with, “I don’t know.”
WELL FIGURE IT OUT FUCKHEAD!
Don’t give me some bullshit about having to do something for you and then you not knowing what it is I have to do.
I have to make sure we spend $500,000 dollars on slighlty beiger pen caps instead of slightly whiter pen caps, I don’t have time to figure out what you want me to do for you.
I have many, constant fresh outrages. The one in particular that comes to mind are the parents that speak to their children as if they were a visiting executive that is new in town. Catering to their every whim. For instance the mother is in line getting her four year old a piece of pizza: “are you hungry? How hungry? You want pizza? (and since the kid is hollering about whatever toy he wants she just repeats in never before recorded decibles) You want pizza?You want pizza?You want pizza?You want pizza?You want pizza?You want pizza?You want pizza?You want pizza? What kind? Pepperoni? No? Sausage? What kind? What kind? Where do you want to sit? Are you cold? ” And on and on and on. THE KID IS FOUR. TELL HIM WHAT HE IS GETTING, BUY IT AND FEED IT TO HIM. THE END. AND LOWER YOUR DOG WHISTLE OF A VOICE!!
RAWR thanks for asking, Jeff. I feel better now that I have gotten that out.
Great Gallahad! Look at the white goo on that sandwich!
I wouldn’t have eaten that if its makers life depended on it.
I’ll be back with more later. I’m chokeingly full of outrage today.
Oh yeah, I meant to comment on the fish sammich. It looks disgusting.
My outrages are old but new. Due to my health declining rapidly at the tender age of 32 (goodgawd!) I’ve run out of sick time at work. So much so that I’m dipping into vacation to see various doctors and such. Over the weekend I was hospitalized & I looked a fool begging them to release me so I wouldn’t have to go unpaid at work. Then I get here and I wonder what in the hell was wrong with me to want to come back here that badly. I can’t win.
But, I need to keep reminding myself that I have a job, I have a house, I have two awesome dogs & an even awesomer (go with it) boyfriend. One who sat for 48 hours with almost no sleep watching nurses poke me 13 times to get an IV in and doctors disrobe me four different times to run “tests”. I guess I got it okay after all. 🙂
But fish sandwiches? Nay Nay! Blech!!
Oh, Melissa, I hope your health improves! Here’s to sending good karma your way.
My secretary was sick as hell for years, the doctors thought it was gall bladder, then stomach cancer, then pancreatitus, then ulcers, then a hysterectomy, more tests, sick days, dramatic weight loss, and on it went.
They finally figured out she was allergic to wheat gluten. She changed her diet and all better (after having all her guts removed except for heart and lungs).
Melissa…. Better days ahead! Get well soon!
Disgusting looking or not, all I can think of on this slightly hung over Monday morning is a goddamn BK Big Fish sammich. I’m just about ready to blow off my appointment (I work on commission) and go get one…….Thanks Jeff!
The fish was lukewarm, the bun a little dry and they had a 2 inch thick slab of iceberg lettuce on it that made it very unwieldy. Fuck me!
As I age it’s becoming more and more clear that I’m expressing all the rage I used to keep tamped down so that people would think I was ‘nice.’ Well, to hell with that. I’m nearly 50, thus more than half my life is over, so it’s time to start expressing before ‘she was nice’ is engraved on my urn! Recently, my road rage has amped up nicely, and with no shortage of asshole drivers (it’s pandemic!) in the Triangle I can practice to my heart’s content on my commutes to and from work.
Which, coincidentally, is where some of the absolute best moments of schadenfreude are experienced.
@Melissa – sorry you’ve not been well. Hope you’re on the way to better health soon!
Robo-calling politicians calling my home several times a day, despite me being on the so-called “Do Not Call List” (I know, politicians are exempt). Since politics is (wisely) off limits I won’t mention which one keeps calling here (although sometimes it’s his Mormon wife, like I care to hear from her as well?).
NYC traffic. It took me 80 minutes to drive from Brooklyn to Hoboken last night, a Sunday night, a distance of 12 miles. That’s seriously messed up. Glad I live I live in the boonies 🙂
You should get that case of Echolalia looked at. Regards, Chuck.
I did, my Doc gave me a repeat prescription.
Yup, the politicians are ramping up my blood pressure. Not only them, the Fraternal Order of Police just won’t take no for an answer, calling my house EVERY GODDAMN DAY, begging for money to help THEM help kids. I actually answered one caller on Friday night and told the guy I had to get off the phone, that there was a LOT of blood on the carpet and I needed to get to it before it’s discovered, then hung up him.
Bill, the police are NOT allowed to solicit by phone. I’m betting that Fraternal order of Police is being run out of the trunk of a 1976 Chevy.
Well, they ain’t gettin’ doodlie-squat out of me, either way.
Up at an un-godly hour to make an airport trip….. Bill that “blood on the carpet” is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read, think coffee just came out of my nose…. Gotta remember that!!
Not really rage but perhaps just confusion. At the store today an otherwise lovely check-out girl was apparently the victim of an industrial stapler accident. I don’t get it.
Get well soon, Melissa.
Where the hell are Dorothy and AWG?
Oh, and if you are so damn desperate for help in your IT department, why do you make me wait 3 weeks for an interview?
These days, it’s “what DOESN’T piss me off.” but I think the one thing that sets my teeth on edge is oblivious parents sitting there with their heads up their ass while their little shit stain offspring run a-fuckin-mok. Not loud kids playing – I get that – but little annoying, mean, nasty little brats.
Here’s some fresh outrage for you.
I recently discovered that little league baseball and softball teams have to pay hourly rent to use public baseball parks. These parks are already paid for by the city, the money the city gets from rent just fluffs the coffers. I went to the city Parks and Leisure department and tried to give them a bunch of money so they could go the rest of the year without charging little league teams field rent. They wouldn’t accept it. They said I would have to just pay for each use of the field as it was requested, instead of simply having a running balance to pull from anytime a little league team wanted to use the field.
That’s bullshit.
Wow, that makes no sense! I work for local government and my motto for ALL local government is ‘There’s no room for logic in this building.” If you ever have the time check out Parks & Recreation. I swear whoever writes that show must have worked for local gov’t because they get the attitudes spot on.
I am annoyed by many things lately too. Stupid drivers and stupid parents top my list. Be a parent, not your kid’s friend. My daughter is pissed at me for some reason every day. I consider that a sign I’ve done something right that day.
I’m also pretty pissed at my own incompetence.
I’m trying to build homemade circuit boards and I can’t seem to figure out how to perform a skill usually accomplished with excellence by 9 year old girls at slumber parties.
You’re supposed to be able to print a circuit board image onto a piece of glossy paper, from a laser printer, and iron it on to a copper clad circuit board. You know, iron on graphics.
Well I can’t get this crap to work. All the how-to’s I see say the edges are the hardest thing to get ironed on to the copper. That’s the only part that ever gets on. I have perfect boarders and NO DAMN CIRCUIT PATHS.
I’M SUCH A FOOL!
…i’m so fat, ugly, and stupid…
icy, I’ve been down that road many times. For the most recent project, I threw up my hands and went with http://www.batchpcb.com/ – they make good quality boards for cheap, but you’ll probably have to wait. They are a dollar or two per square inch for double-sided boards with plated-thru vias, silkscreen and solder mask; very professional-looking, much better than I could have made at home. I think they will do multilayer as well, but I didn’t need that for this project.
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Thanks dude.
Add me to the “what DOESN’T piss me off” list. A few ass wipes as work jack me off on a daily basis. There needs to be a sign on the Mrs’ office door that says, “do as I say, not as I do”. She is pure evil.
Traffic. Lately it has been horrendous. I wish PENDOT would finish one project before starting another instead of putting 3 guys on each one. Finish it in 6 months and move on instead takings 3 years. Ridiculous.
Outrages…
Due to car issues detailed here earlier, I ended up taking my car in for inspection on the last day of the month, and mid-day to boot. Long story short, I had to wait 2.5 hours for inspection, followed by another hour’s wait at my friendly neighborhood DMV – which is located in Fair Oaks Mall, next to the Viper Pit of Small Screaming Children. Got my one-month registration renewal, went home and prepared a Negroni. Or two.
Also I have the mother-out-law’s laptop, which is infested with malware and I can’t do a thing with, not being a Windows expert. I guess I’ll take it to the Einsteins at Micro Center and pay them to reinstall WinDOS so I can get it back to her on Sunday.
Final outrage – at work, we were recently “migrated” to Microsoft Outrage. I can honestly say this is the worst email client I have ever used. What a bloated, unusable piece of garbage. But it has a calendar!!!1!
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Download Malwarebytes to a thumb drive of CD. Start the system in ‘Safe Mode with Networking” Press of F8 while starting. Run Malwarebytes.
“or” not “of”
Malwarebytes did nothing for me two months ago, but I didn’t try booting from it. I’ll give that a shot, thanks.
It chaps my ass that this suppurating pustule of an “operating system” has become the de facto standard of the world. Windows is designed to be easily compromised, and there is a whole big industry (or two) built around its fundamental flaws. Why do people put up with this shit, if they have a choice? My unix systems at home run for years with no issues other than power failures.
Hey, I guess that’s another outrage.
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Hey, another irritation. Just now I put in bogus html tags like “rant” and “end rant” around my second paragraph, but whatever blog software this is decided to just silently remove them. The same way it turns ASCII characters into “smart quotes” which can only be read by a select few. God, I hate people. Miss Thrope, may I call you Anne?
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As another Unixer (Linux and Mac OS), I can’t understand why another company hasn’t stolen Windows market share.
Sure, back in the day, Apple was a small player and couldn’t compete for the corporate market. But now it has the biggest market cap in the world! And billions in cash to boot.
Take some of that cash, and crush Windows out of existence. You owe this to the world, Apple.
I’m afraid that if Apple crushed MS, they would turn into MS. It seems to go with the territory of having one company dominate an industry so completely. Look at what IBM was, what Ma Bell was, what Google turned into.
FreeBSD here.
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Fresh outrage? My roommate’s dad is flying her sister down to LA so they can see Aerosmith together, at no cost to her. Pretty sweet deal, right? Well no, it’s not good enough. This almost 23-year-old child is throwing tantrums because he didn’t get the seats she wanted. You know, in addition to the hundreds of dollars he’s already kicking in because he wants to spend time with his daughter.
They’re all dumbfounded that a person could be so greedy and self-centered, but I can’t fathom how anyone would want to get that close to Stephen Tyler.
It’s not a FRESH outrage, it’s more of a CONTINUED outrage. Dearest co-worker, I have been with this [redacted] company for over 10 years, and have held almost every frigging position, including yours. Do NOT condescend to me and tell me that I am doing my job incorrectly.
If you catch me at just the wrong (or perhaps RIGHT) time, I just might send you bowling down the warehouse aisle. Do NOT piss me off.
I have two these days.
1. No. I will NOT give you my email address, home address, driver’s license, mother’s maiden name, etc. I’M HERE FOR A FREAKING OIL CHANGE AND I HAVE CASH!
2. People who think they got taller and/or stronger since they packed their suitcase and the 10 minutes they spent trying to get it in the overhead bin.
Enjoy it while you can. At some point, having cash will be viewed as “suspicious”, just as today it is “suspicious” to have large amounts of cash, like more than a couple of hundred. I try to pay cash for “little” things, like lunch or a pack of smokes. Of course, lunch is often from some place where they English not so good, so cash is welcome.
Micro Center is like Radio Shaft was in the 90s – they really, really want your mailing address so they can send you ads. I tell them no.
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Assholes behind you on the Interstate entrance ramp who pull into the passing lane and cut back in front of you as you PROPERLY merge into the driving lane. Usually executed when there is a slow moving tractor trailer in the driving lane, effectively blocking you.
This is more often observed in New Jersey by young drivers in “wife beater” undershirts and NY JEts caps worn with the bill facing backwards.
These young gentlemen also have the uncanny ability to blow their car horns while behind at traffic lights one nanno second as soon as the light turns green.
Before I get into this, let me assure you that it has nothng to do with “race” – believe me or not, I don’t f@#%$g care anymore. My biggest pisser right now is that everytime I drive into town, I drive thru/close to two mobile home parks with large amounts of people with hispanic backgrounds. WITHOUT FAIL, I will get behind one or more of these people driving. WITHOUT FAIL, they will be going at least 10 miles below the speed limit. Every. Freaking. Time. And with the few hills and stop signs, it is almost impossible to pass them once your behind them. So I have to ask – WHY SO DAMN SLOW!?! Finally I asked some of my hispanic students (who I get along wonderfully with) why this is so. Their answer: if someone is driving that slow, more than likely they’re here in our country illegally and don’t want to take any chance of being pulled over and the trouble that would come with that. So I ask a couple policemen friends of mine who live in my neighborhood whether they’re aware of this. Oh sure, yeah, common knowledge. Anybody ever do anything about it? No, too inconvenient. So let me get this straight – these illegals, who shouldn’t even be here, are wasting my time and raising my blood pressure and the policemen, paid by my taxes, are too damn lazy to do anything about it? Fuck each and every one of you and please feel free to look the other way the next time I run one of these assholes off the road….
We have that same problem in our area. Stupid bastards (always he same ethnicity you mentioned) that have to drive 10 mph under the speed limit. And after they stop for any reason, be it a stop sign, traffic light or their own stupidity, it takes them a mile and a half to get back up to 10mph under the speed limit. Last year I had occasion to pass a couple of these Sunday driving non-English speakers going 40 in a 55 zone in a clearly expired-registration 1980’s vintage Chevy Luv while enjoying a cerveza on the public highway. I got pulled over and given a speeding ticket because I had to get up to 70 to get around them and of course CHP was around the next curve. When I questioned him about why he ignored Julio and Hector, he accused me of being a racist and said that had no bearing on this traffic stop. Jackass was probably married to their toad shaped sister. My wife, being a nurse who has to deal with this crowd at the emergency room has a theory. She believes much of the problem stems from lead in their pottery and dinnerware, causing systemic brain damage among a majority of that population group.
Texting and driving,and it’s retarded brother, the one who’s too cheap or lazy to use bluetooth. No doubt most of the driving related outrage is due to a distracted driver. Defensive driving has evolved into a survival skill. The technology now exists which allows you to send and receive text messages without even looking at or touching your phone. Check out the Motorola sliver. Amazing! And cheaper than a lifetime of garnished wages due to a moment of distraction.
Oh, and fracking. You folks in PA are really seeing the brunt of it. Before the earthquakes start, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with fracking. Just for the record.
I feel a little out of place, among all the ranting, saying these things, but…
1) Mr. Headley’s 20 minute short is really good.
2) Mr. Headley, by coincidence, uses a tune under the credit roll that I identified two weeks ago here as transportive.
3) If Chuck can’t find a job in IT, surely there’s a job as a comedy writer waiting for him somewhere. He’s on a roll with his one-liners the last week or so, and when he’s rolling there’s nobody, nobody funnier.
4) I’m kinda old, kinda broke, and in more pain than I’d prefer; on the other hand, phone calls, bad drivers, and inelegant operating systems bounce off me like hickies off Superman.
5) Melissa, I wish you joy.
jtb
I recently got a ticket for crossing the solid line merging onto the interstate too early and not waiting till the very end where fucktards will NOT let you merge, cost = $380. Now every night on the way home from work I fume as I watch 80% of the drivers behind me cross the same line – while I do everything by the book now and have to pretty much go an extra 100 yards on the shoulder so I can get merged. Of course all the time watching the pricks who crossed too early drive past me without a care in the world! Everyday for 20 years I have seen at least 10 cars a day cross too early and have never seen anyone get a ticket.
The actual fish burger looks like a massive upgrade of the ad. More sauce, more cheese, more fish, bigger, fluffier bun. It doesn’t have the same “pop” of the ad, but it’s got my mouth waterin’.
Can’t really rage about much. Other than fighting with the girlfriend but 95% of that is my fault.
I think I did win my bracket, though, for a bar I’m not even allowed in anymore. $190 bucks from what I heard.
I thought you were saying, “Go out of your way and open the doors” for the nice old people. Thought I’d see you in the beer aisle, but we missed each other.
I’ve managed to navagate my way through life’s maze of assholes and fuck ups with booze, weed and my right to bear handgrernades.
Put down the handgrernade and step away from the keyboard :^)
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I don’t know why you would want to resort to the violence of a hand gernade when a flame thrower is both deadly and stylish.
jtb
The good news is that I seem to know how to spell “hand”.
jtb
My hand is my friend.
It never turns down a dance
Lovely wallflower
When dto plays
He always brings down the house
Give him a big hand
My weekly outrage has been somewhat tempered by the fact that my gastroenterologist wrote me a three day pass from work for a combination endoscopy-colonoscopy. Of course, he didn’t believe me when i told him to use what should have amounted to excessive amounts of drugs, and I woke up with a tube crammed down my throat, an unpleasant sensation to say the least. They immediately put me back under, and my next conscious moment is of waking up with a tube rammed up my ass. Even more unpleasant. He did a biopsy of stomach lining tissue (the reason for my 3 days of sick leave) to attempt to determine the cause of my 30 year case of heartburn, but no going back for the ass-ramming for another ten years, so that’s all good. Friday night I go back to being pissed off about the supposedly grown people I work around who have some psychological problem that causes them to act like fucking mildly retarded kindergartners. One of these ass-hats, who bears a striking resemblance to Homer Simpson, but who lacks Homer’s intelligence and analytical thinking skills, actually got all bowed up and in my face a couple weeks ago. Fucktard is lucky I value my paycheck over the pleasure I’d have gotten out of knocking him on his punk cartoon ass.
Do you know how to tell if they used the wrong scope in the wrong location? Flavor.
It’s official – my WVSR T-shirt arrived in the mail yesterday. (Thanks Jeff!)
I was so spas-tastically excited, I wore it to work today. Pass me a purple shroud and some Kool-Aid. I’m in.
Oh yeah, and I’m changing my name. I figure it’s approriate considering my new affiliation.
Thank you for your support.
Over the weekend I mentioned Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock and the girl (who is only 3 years younger than me) said who?