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What Super-Powers Do You Wish You Possessed?

March 6, 2013 By Jeff 49 Comments

team-justice-league
I often wish
I had the power to concentrate my mind on a specific car on the highway, and cause all four of its tires to blow-out at the same time.  I used to desire the ability to make engines catch-fire, but I’m stuck on the all-four-tires thing at the moment.

There are so many people on the roads that need to taste the pain of my imaginary super-powers…

I’d also like to make people trip over invisible curbs.  Or cause them to blast-ass, while pontificating in knowing tones.

It’s frustrating, not being able to cause fires, or flatulence in others.  Ya know?  I feel so limited.

Anyway, this is Wednesday.  I have my weekly meeting at work, and this is one of those “better than nothing?” updates.  Please note the question mark, because it’s certainly questionable.

I’m hoping you guys can save me.  In the comments section, please tell us the super-powers you’d like to have, and why.

And I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

Have a great day, boys and girls!

Now playing in the bunker
Try Dropbox! It’s free and fantastic.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Swami Bologna says

    March 6, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    1.

    Reply
  2. Kevin says

    March 6, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Nothing…

    Reply
  3. JG says

    March 6, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    I have never wished I could cause an engine to burst into flames or make tires go flat.

    I do have imaginary machine guns that rise up out of the hood of my car as necessary but that’s not a superpower.

    I have wished for years for the ability to cause someone to have a headache. I suppose it’s spinoff of a saying I once saw on a button, ‘Too bad stupidity isn’t painful.’

    Reply
  4. T Farty McAppleass says

    March 6, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    I’d like the ability to blow people’s heads up, as if they’d just been shot close-range with a shotgun.

    Being invisible would also be fun.

    Reply
  5. Uncle_Wedgie says

    March 6, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    X-ray vision. SELECTIVE X-Ray vision.

    Reply
  6. ron says

    March 6, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    to make the ladies think 60,fat, and bald is sexy

    Reply
    • ron says

      March 7, 2013 at 11:59 am

      was just at walmart
      my superpower backfired
      saw lots old fat bald laidies that thought they were sexy

      Reply
  7. Stephanie says

    March 6, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    I’m just here because there’s a Team Justice League picture. My geek is showing and I had a nerdgasm.

    Reply
  8. Root 66 says

    March 6, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I agree with TFA–being invisible would be a ton o’ fun!

    Of course, being able to do that Darth-Vader-choke-thing might have some advantages every now and again too…

    Reply
  9. chill says

    March 6, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Invisibility plus the selective X-ray vision. How about – was it Plastic Man? He could do stuff like reach through the a keyhole and open the door from the inside.
    .

    Reply
  10. madz1962 says

    March 6, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    I wish I could fly. And I don’t mean from a handful of happy pills with a chardonnay chaser. And IF I could fly, that would give me the power to swoop down and peck out people’s eys. or at least crap down their chests.

    Reply
  11. Linda says

    March 6, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    I wish I could make people disappear. I don’t care where they end up.

    Reply
    • chill says

      March 6, 2013 at 2:47 pm

      You can. Although it would involve a good amount of work, and might lead to prosecution and/or personal danger.
      .

      Reply
  12. junkfood says

    March 6, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    Short updates are always better than nothing. This way I don’t have to worry Jeff is dead.

    Super powers: Run like the Flash, fly like Superman, fuck like Aquaman. (Blowholes are sexy.)

    Reply
  13. airandee says

    March 6, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    I use to think having the ability to read another ones mind would be useful but then I thought do I really want to know?

    So I would like the ability to make money easily like knowing which number would hit in a casino or the next lotto numbers….

    Reply
  14. bikerchick says

    March 6, 2013 at 3:53 pm

    I would like the ability to either read minds or use some sort of truth serum. The ability to make the doors fall off some asshole’s car would be pretty cool too….or their hood fly up while screaming down the parkway. Cut me off again, dipshit!

    Reply
  15. Doug says

    March 6, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    My superpower is just being awesome. It usually surfaces after 6 or more beers. After 10 or more, my superpower involves me becoming a belligerent, ranting ass-hat.

    Reply
  16. rob says

    March 6, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    I’ve often thought how great it would be to be invisible. Like, for example, if you saw Jeff sitting at Wendy’s with his #1 combo, no pickle & Coke and then my invisible self would wait for him to turn his head and then just slather up that single cheese with about a quart of mayonnaise. Then watch as Jeff loses his shit at the Wendy’s staff, only it wasn’t them, it was me, Invisible Rob! Yep…invisibility would be the way to go.

    Reply
  17. T-STORM says

    March 6, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    The ability to become 3.7% better at anything than the person showing me how to do it instantly.

    Reply
  18. hot fuzz says

    March 6, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    I read “better than nothing?” in the same tone as “I’m Ron Burgandy?”

    I’d like to be able to step off a building, land on my feet and then just walk away all bad ass like Kate Beckinsale in Underworld. Without screaming like a little girl. Who am I kidding? I’d be screaming like a little girl and look as awkward as two dogs caught up in each other’s leashes…

    Reply
  19. Alex says

    March 6, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    The ability to (at will) see through clothing.

    Reply
  20. Phil Jett says

    March 6, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Invisibility. Much better than x-ray vision. No desire to see people’s bones or some odd object they have shoved up their ass.

    Reply
    • shinywilly says

      March 7, 2013 at 1:31 pm

      If the cops had exray vision they would not need drug sniffing dogs.

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/06/chicago-news-anchor-caboose-pistol_n_2821875.html

      Reply
      • shinywilly says

        March 7, 2013 at 1:33 pm

        exray? WTF !!!

        Reply
  21. Jack says

    March 6, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Remote ball kicking for the times that clueless politicians (doesn’t matter D or R, they all do it) go on about a subject that they know absolutely nothing about. Example: “Rape victims will reabsorb their fetus, OW!! what was that?”

    Reply
    • chill says

      March 6, 2013 at 6:32 pm

      Remote ball-kicking would be wicked awesome. It would also be good for when a journalist displays fundamental cluelessness on the subject on which they are reporting. NPR, Fox or anything in between – they all do it.

      For female reporters, perhaps a titty-twister or some such. I’m sure the female Reporters have better ideas.

      Hint to broadcasters: “the internet” and “the world wide web” are not synonyms.
      .

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        March 6, 2013 at 9:12 pm

        Not an NPR listener, eh? I don’t know what’s between the center and the crazy right except facts and parts of Wyoming.

        jtb

        Reply
        • chill says

          March 6, 2013 at 9:16 pm

          Actually I do listen to NPR. I only mentioned them because there is no left wing in the US.

          Minnesota too.
          .

          Reply
          • johnthebasket says

            March 7, 2013 at 3:19 am

            Fair enough.

            jtb

            Reply
            • hot fuzz says

              March 7, 2013 at 1:59 pm

              I’ve been waiting for an appropriate time to paste in a comment I read on a prepper website that bothered me. Sometimes the extreme on any side just make it so easy to generalize…and unfortunately stain all the others with whom they are associated (no matter how loosely).

              here goes:

              “I am one of those people that the liberals like to call a racist because I am outspoken about my hatred of the Muslim anti-American criminal in the Whitehouse.”

              sigh…

              Reply
  22. Greg in Cincinnati says

    March 6, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    The power not to shit at work.

    Reply
    • hot fuzz says

      March 7, 2013 at 1:42 pm

      Jeff’s missing out on getting paid to take a dump.

      Reply
      • Uncle_Wedgie says

        March 7, 2013 at 2:08 pm

        So you have monetized shit?

        Reply
        • hot fuzz says

          March 7, 2013 at 2:24 pm

          Apparently it is one of the services I provide for which I receive remuneration. I don’t even have to provide proof!!!

          Reply
  23. johnthebasket says

    March 6, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    The ability to change television channels from across the room.

    Reply
  24. johnthebasket says

    March 6, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    The ability to reach around.

    Reply
  25. Seanette says

    March 6, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    I’d like teleportation. That way, traffic would be a non-issue. 🙂

    Elastigirl-type abilities would be nice, too. There are times an extra hand or two more than standard humans have would be very helpful. So would the ability to stretch to reach stuff on high shelves (being 5’4″ can be a pain).

    Reply
    • Lori in Cbus says

      March 9, 2013 at 11:42 am

      try being 5’1 with short arms

      Reply
      • t-storm says

        March 9, 2013 at 11:56 am

        Got a machete.

        Reply
  26. chill says

    March 6, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    The ability to swing.
    .

    Reply
  27. hardoxdan says

    March 6, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    The ability to make someone shit their pants.

    And a horn so loud that it blows all the glass out of their car (but not mine).

    Reply
  28. putski says

    March 6, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    I would love to be able to make some guys punch themselves in the nuts. God knows they (my bosses) deserve it.

    Reply
  29. westersteve says

    March 7, 2013 at 7:09 am

    The ability to stop or slow time would be the best. The potential for pranks and random sex acts would be off the charts.

    Reply
  30. clintcurtis says

    March 7, 2013 at 7:34 am

    I wish I had a bionic liver.

    Oh, and I wish I had the power to disregard everything my wife bitches about, but do so in a manner that makes her think I’m paying attention. Seriously she thinks I have dementia and has me set up for tests next week.

    …ahhh shit, let’s get real here. Just give me laser eyes so I can just incinerate her!

    Reply
    • Linda says

      March 7, 2013 at 10:01 am

      Get a voice activated recording that says, “And how did that make you feel?” after everything she says. Oh, and ear plugs so you don’t have to hear it.

      Reply
  31. pressure cleaners says

    March 7, 2013 at 9:15 am

    I have always wanted to move stuff with my mind. How awesome would that be! When I was younger, I always wanted to have x-ray vision and even bought a pair in the add in the back of my old comic book. Total disapointment and a waste of my allowance money.

    Reply
  32. hot fuzz says

    March 7, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    I think I would like Tony Stark’s superhuman abilities… high IQ and $ up the wahzoo….. ok here come the wahzoo jokes…

    Reply
  33. Furious G says

    March 8, 2013 at 8:35 am

    I’ve always wanted the power to render someone infertile. Not in a creepy eugenics way, just as a way to stem the tide of idiots giving rise to morons that infests society. “Ding!” I’d say, tapping an offender on the shoulder, “No more for you!!

    Reply
  34. Charles says

    March 8, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Ooo I think I’d like The Firmata superpower from Nicholson Baker’s book. Man the fun I’d have…

    Reply

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