Before we get started, here’s your link to the Monday edition of The Jeff Kay Show podcast. It’s also available in all the usual podcast locations. And there’s a website the hosting company auto-generates. I have almost no input into this thing, it just appears as if by voodoo black magic. But it’s another place where you can hear the Monday episodes if you’re so inclined.
Here’s the description:
In this one I tell you about an aborted visit to the new Dairy Queen, people double-dipping on the stuff I don’t know, the Lewis Phenomenon, Jim Halpert as an international badass, being trapped in the haircut funnel, a music video that single-handedly destroyed the career of an 80s rock star, and asking Gordon Ramsay to please come up here and put a metaphorical foot in my ass.
I hope you enjoy it. Seventeen episodes now! They’re stacking up quickly, and I’m far less self-conscious in front o’ the microphone at this point. That’s not to say they’re good, or anything. Let’s not get crazy. But there are some laughs, I think. Thanks for listening!
Today I’d like to ask you guys about the sounds that make you absolutely crazy. I have lots and lots of ’em. In fact, Toney often accuses me of being “on the spectrum.” I don’t know about that, but there are plenty of sounds and noises that send an electric current of white-hot annoyance straight through me. Including, but not limited to:
People smacking their lips while eating
The sound of people talking through walkie talkies
Incessant gum snapping
The creaking door voice
The half whine/half cry little shithead kids make
People dragging chairs across a floor
When a diva-style singer launches into one of those showy up-and-down yodels
Ludicrously loud cars and motorcycles
People who almost literally make the GULP sound while swallowing
Repetitive ink pen clicking
I could probably come up with 20 or 50 more, but you get the idea. I’m now going to turn it over to you guys to list the sounds that really touch a nerve with you. Use the comments link below, or maybe above.
And it’s crazy, but our Las Vegas trip is less than two weeks away. It doesn’t seem real. We’re deep (deep!) in a rut here, and the idea of Toney and me on an airplane, going to some over-the-top vacation destination just feels impossible. But, unless something happens here at Chez Kay between now and then, we’re going. The boys will be on their own for a week, and that’s on them. They’re old enough. Sheesh. Hopefully, the cops and/or fire department don’t have to get involved. I’m fairly concerned about that, but am sure it’ll be fine. Maybe. Possibly. ,,,We’ll see.
OK, I’m calling it a day, my friends. If you haven’t given the podcast a listen, please do. The Monday episodes are completely free and readily available. I’m digging the whole experience so far. It’s fun!
I’ll see you guys again on Thursday.
Have a great week!
Now playing in the bunker
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The sound of rap music/those bass vibrating cars
Ozzie Bucco says
Or the rice burners that sound like a windup toy.
Ozzie Bucco says
My wife has a habit of slapping her thigh with her hand when there’s music on in the car. In the summer it’s a SPLAT sound that drives me nuts.
The DQ here (Morgantown) closed after being open since the 1940s. They didn’t do food at the downtown store – only ice cream.
-Lip smacking when eating
-Gulping when drinking
-Breathing through nose when drinking
-Fork on teeth when eating
-My dog licking itself
-Any repetitive, non-rhythmic sound
-Loud mouth breathers
-Loud nose breathers
-When my wife flicks the ends of her nails together
So…..sounds in general pretty much piss me off. And get off my damn lawn!
Steve in WV says
Hand clapping. I can handle a “round of applause” kind of thing, I’m just referring to a single person clapping their hands.
Especially if they start off with that slow clap (pause) clap (pause) clap (pause) shit.
That Billy Squire story gets around. I guess he has disappeared from the public eye. I would say much like Vinnie Vincent – but Vinnie is going to do some shows – apparently. MTV would not play that Queen video – I Want To Break Free – due to the crossdressing of the band members in the video.
I hate the sound of music or video played through cell phone speakers, especially in public places. Nobody wants to hear that.
Paper napkin on teeth
The microwave or other timer that is still going off minutes after it signaled it was done with its job, but the person who activated said job doesn’t immediately leap up to turn off the timer.
Spitty talkers, like, when it sounds like there’s a gob of something on their epiglottis.
Macaroni salad being stirred.
…and most of what’s already been mentioned.
Lew in Bama says
The dog licking himself
That noise people make when they snort their snot back in instead of blowing their nose
Loud public phone-talkers
Soup slurpers (goes for coffee and tea too)
Loud high heels that the rubber has worn off the bottom.
This is going to be super-specific.
Crunching noises when some people, but not everyone, eat (ice in particular) with their mouth closed. I’m convinced there is a certain tone created by their sinus cavities that puts me over the edge. The sound isn’t the same if they grind away with their mouth open, but it’s about all I can do to not hunt down a ball-peen hammer and a pair of Visegrip pliers to perform extractions so that I never have to hear it again.
Yeah, it’s that bad: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-misophonia#1
Off topic, Jeff, but I had the pleasure of driving through WV this past weekend on the way to a wedding in Buckhannon. Wifey and I stopped at the New River Gorge Bridge and took a few pictures on the way back. We didn’t go all the way down like you did in your post a few weeks ago, but there was a little visitor center at the top with wooden steps that took us down to a good view. Pretty amazing structure, and we had a great time overall in your home state. The only drawback is that I can now add that damn John Denver song to my list of sounds that drive me insane. If I heard it once I heard it 100 times over the weekend.
But it was worth the trade for the opportunity to learn about Pepperoni Rolls…where have those been all my life?
Root 66 says
Pepperoni rolls are NEVER off-topic! Those bad boys are awesome!
Root 66 says
In no particular order:
-Neighbors who let their dogs bark–incessantly!
-Metal fork between the teeth.
-Water dripping from a leaky faucet/rain gutter.
-Creaky voice (aka-“vocal fry”) has already been mentioned, but needs mentioned again! I HATE it!
-Occasionally, I can hear high-pitched electronics that no one else can hear, but I can hear it.
-(Dis)honorable mention: people who end every sentence like it’s a question!
Joe T says
Other people snoring or breathing heavy while asleep. I may as well get dressed and go to work.
Crinkling cellophane packaging…the worst!
A fork scraping on a plate.
A baby crying in distress.
A bunch of kids singing. God make that shit stop.
The back.up beep beep on trucks.
The buzz buzz buzz of a bee too close for comfort.
Not Oprah says
Oh Madz. I never admit to the kids singing thing because people will think I’m awful but it’s so true!!!
Chadwick Wallace says
The crinkling sound it makes when someone opens a bag of potato chips/pretzels/snacks.
There’s a malady called misophonia – now that I know I have it, the warden seems to take delight in crinkling any bag for inordinate amounts of time.
And even though I know I have it, the sounds still piss me off – Immediately. I suspect several folks on here have the same syndrome.
The noise when one is clearing out their chest cavity, kinda like Owen here:
People that sniff their snot instead of using a Kleenex to blow it out.
A Camel hack – See Jeff’s Walmart game.
That is my pet peeve I utterly lose my stuff when an adult man or woman walks around sniffling and snuffling like a 2 year old. Back in the day I would carry a box of tissues to meetings and once it started just hand them the box… if they said “i’m Okay” I’d reply “No you aren’t”
The thudding bass in rap music that makes the car trunk rattle and the windows vibrate. I want to slash the shit out of their woffers.
People talking loudly on cell phones in public places. I don’t give a damn what you did this past week, nor do I care what you are doing today or in the future.
That rumbling mucus noise that comes from the cough of a 3 pack a day smoker.
Janrinn in Fall City says
Fork on teeth.
Styrofoam the worst
The sound my long haired dog makes when she chews an itchy spot: snarf, snarf, snarf, followed by gagging. The sound of my grandson clapping his hands, over and over at the same pace, a trick they taught them in school for some insane learning exercise. The sound of anyone speaking to me when I am reading, unless it’s to say the house is on fire or dinner is ready. The sound of the shower running and running, I know they’re not that damn dirty, and I pay the water bill. The sound of teenagers slamming doors.
Hollow Jaw Syndrome: Where you can hear teeth banging together even with their mouth closed. Wow that sets me off. Barking dogs in the wee hours. The sound not so much as the timing. Old diesel engines (also in the wee hours.) Yeah, I have a bunch of inconsiderate dolts for neighbors.
Cats fighting. That high pitched screech can make me jump out of my skin. Sounds akin to a rabbit being murdered.
“This is your captain speaking. We’ve been holding right over your house for 45 minutes now, but at this point we’re running low on fuel so we’re going to divert to Harrisburg.”