Notice: This part of today’s update was not written by Jeff, it was generated by the WVSR Excuse Engine. Your corpulent correspondent apparently forgot to set his alarm again last night, and went snoozing right on through to noon. His first word of the day: Goddammit! It was pretty funny, to tell you truth. He’s a big doofus, constantly exasperated; it’s hilarious to watch him stumble through life. Anyway, this notice is to explain why today’s update will be brief, and probably not very good. Shocking, huh? Excuse Engine out.
Hello Surf Reporters! This one’s gonna have to be a quickie, for various reasons. So, let’s get right to it.
Last night I saw a man eating a freezer bag full of radishes. It was a huge sack of the things: maybe thirty or forty good-sized radishes. He had a knife, and was cutting them in half, then arranging them on a paper plate. Then he put salt on ’em, and went to town.
I found this to be a tad unusual. I don’t see people eating radishes very often anymore. They seemed to be fairly common during the 1970s, but it feels like their popularity has plunged. And I certainly don’t see people eating JUST radishes. Ya know?
A few years ago there was a guy at my current job who was a pumped-up weightlifter, and he carried around a sack full of egg whites. Whenever he broke the seal on that baggie, it smelled like we were literally inside an ass. I was new to the job, and didn’t feel like it was my battle to fight. But I wanted someone to put a stop to that nonsense.
It was disgusting, and he would slurp the slimy things into his mouth, and make a noise every time. I get a full-body shiver, just thinking about it. Thankfully, he got another job shortly after I started, and I’ve never seen him again.
In the comments section I’d like know about the weird stuff your co-workers eat. Do you have anything on this? I hope so, because I’m relying on you guys to take up my slack.
There was another guy at my current job (now gone, as well) who used to eat tightly-compacted spaghetti every night. Well, maybe not every night… but often. He’d put it in a butter bowl, and there must’ve been five pounds of pasta hyper-mashed into that thing. It was a small bowl, but he kept forking spaghetti outta that bitch for a full hour. It was amazing, like something from a magic show, or a circus.
And I need to turn it over to you guys now. I was ten minutes late to work yesterday, and don’t need to repeat that today.
But before I go… Following my break last night I stopped by the baffroom, and as I was coming out of there, I heard someone say, “Radish?” The guy was brandishing his paper plate at me, and I thought, “Hell, why not?” So, I ate one, and it was good. Just thought you’d like to know.
Have a great day, my friends!
I’ll see you again tomorrow.
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon
People heating up left over fish in the break room microwave. I will never understand that one.
Word.
My office area shares a break room with another office. Each office has a door to the break room.
Sometimes I’ll heat up fish or some other stink-food. In those times, I close the door to my side of the office and open the door to the other side.
I used to work in an office that pretty much resembled the United Nations… but everybody loved their fish on Fridays. One of the ladies in the office used to say “great…smells like fish cured in piss”… I think she really captured the essence.
I believe that is called “lutefisk”.
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I don’t much care what you eat, just do it quietly, ya lip smacking idjits.
Going to see if we have any radishes left in the fridge.
I hate loud eaters. Or people who call ME on the phone and start cramming their pie holes while talking at the same time. If you’re going to sit down to lunch, clal me later.
That’s my biggest pet peeve at the office. I just want to scream at people for eating so damn loudly! Close your mouth and quit tearing at your apple like a fucking veliciraptor.
A lot of folks at work come from the Indian sub continent or generally south east Asia where lip smacking is the accepted norm. I wish someone would gently tell them that when they come to Canada for a meeting, that it’s not the accepted norm up here. It’s almost outrageous how loud some folks are but I guess if you’re enjoying your food that’s one way to show it.
I”ll take the Fifth because sometimes it’s me eating the weird shit…. sorry….
But we all want to know!
Tuna straight from the can, various wild game, boiled eggs, sometimes a meal of nothing but various beans…. I could go on and on.
I eat plain radishes, but usually never more than three at a time.
A guy at my old job would eat yams (or sweet potatoes, I don’t know). A lot of them. He’d lay out 5 to 6 of them on a cookie sheet, pop them in the oven for an hour or so, then come back and peel and eat them all in one sitting.
We also had an enormous woman who wheeled her lunch in everyday in a travel suitcase (not exaggerating, I swear). She had a heart attack and died about a month after retiring. No one was surprised.
I have a co-worker who eats brussel sprouts almost every day. The whole office smells like poop for an hour.
Then she complains when my Scentsy warmer is on because she ‘can’t stand the smell’.
It’s a losing battle.
I searched “Scentsy Warmer”. Holy shit. Big industry, millions of hits. Never heard of them.
Hi, Brittney. Nice to hear from you.
jtb
This is no joke – a big ‘ol riffle-puddin’ chick here at work, came into the kitchen one morning and stuck a bowl of something in the microwave. I was getting my breakfast shit together and she pulled the bowl out and took a table spoon and dumped a couple heapins of mayonnaise on top of what she was about to eat – yep, you guessed it, PINTO FUCKING BEANS !!!! A few months after that, she had her stomach stapled, because she just couldn’t drop any weight, naturally. She’s already back to just about where she was, weight-wise before the staplin’. Oh yeah, she “suffers” from the diabeetuss too. Sick all the time. Pathetic.
I can see a spoonful of sour cream maybe, but mayo? I’m intrigued. Not intrigued enough to try it myself, mind you.
You people who eat breakfast at work creep me out.
EVERYONE (except me) where I work eats breakfast at their desk. Ceral out of a styrofoam bowl just gives me the gags.
LOL, yeah, some people get pretty damned elaborate on the breakfast at work thing. Mine usually consists of a soda and a breakfast bar or a Tudor’s biscuit I bring to work. I ain’t cookin’ squat.
Years ago, my inside sales person who is in an office 300 miles away was packing on the weight. She is about 5 foot 4 and was about just as wide. She told me that she was going to have the gastric bypass, went to the doctor and was weighed.
The doctor told her that at 328 pounds, she needed to be 12 pounds heavier to qualify as morbidly obese so insurance would pay.
She told him that she would be back in three days to be weighed again. She gained exactly 12 pounds in 3 days and got her surgery.
Now, she is sick every other week and is a tiny, little wrinkled prune.
Also, radishes are beneficial to ward off enemies. Eat a few of those, and burp in the general direction of that person. It works.
When I was teaching interrogation to Soldiers, I used to eat radishes, raw onions, and bologna for lunch. The little rooms where we trained them, one-on-one, were about 6 feet by 6 feet cubes. I’d stink that place up real good.
Dude a couple of cubicles over eats something uber-crunchy every dang lunchtime. I suspect they’re carrots, but it could be anything. All I know is it’s loud.
There used to be a Chinese fellow here who heated up leftovers – authentic Chinese food leftovers with seaweed and fish and something that smelled of death. He must have loved that stuff, by the noises he made while eating it. He also drank about 10 cups of green tea a day. I have no idea how he got any work done with all that sloshing around in his tract.
I can’t believe Jeff Kay ate food off of someone else’s plate. Mayyyybe a family member’s, but a co-worker’s? My world is turned upside down.
I’m gonna have to second that.
That shocked the shit out of me too. What’s next, going to a Super Bowl party at a co-workers house?
over to half shirts house for the festivities
and backing into the parking spot?
The wife or the secrets should write a few updates. They could write about Jeff’s day from their perspective.
This is an excellent idea.
A sack full of egg whites? Hahahaha! The fuck is with people?
There is an older stick figure of a woman who eats what looks like a 2 ounce salad with vinegar. Every day. I want to force feed a friggin Big Mac down her gullet. Over the summer we had a family fun day and she shows up in very short shorts and a tank top. But she’s OLD (67) and all anyone saw was sagging skin and blue veins. Knowing how conservative our company is, I was kinda shocked to see her clad like some old hooker.
I eat an entire raw swordfish everyday for lunch. It’s part of a diet I have been on for the last six months or so. It’s called the swordfish diet. I’ll betcha this bugs the heck out of my co-workers.
Yeah, you’ll be wanting to dispose of the sword part very carefully. No telling where your pals might stick that.
jtb
i used to work with a filipino that ate baluuts at his desk. for the ignernt, balluts are duck eggs that are almost hatched. watching him fill his word hole with one of those and then pick out the duckbill and flippers out of his mouth was enough to ruin my lunch.
holy hopping Jesus on a jackhammer – I would need therapy after seeing that.
I saw Andrew Zimmern from the Travel Channel just about lose it eating one those things in Thailand, or wherever. It MUST be bad to gag him…that dude would eat just about anything!
Just puked in my mouth. Probably tasted better than a bag full of egg whites anyway…
Holy mother of god! That turned my stomach. And damn, I just ate dinner too!
One of my coworkers, who just happens to be from Romania, eats the loudest healthy foods you can get. He crunches into apples, celery, carrots, and raw broccoli with his mouth wide open like he’s trying to eat a hot charcoal briquette. Drives me absolutely insane.
The weirdest foods my coworkers eat are anything vegetarian, like “vegetarian chicken tenders” or some shit like that.
“hot charcoal briquette” God thats good!! I think vegetarians that eat meat flavored anything have more problems than they like to admit. Eat the damn meat and enjoy life!!
Years ago, I worked in the corporate headquarters for a major airline catering company. There was this “earthy” girl that worked down the hall from me and one day during our lunch hour, she walked down to the coffee station with this beat up, aluminum pot, filled it with water and put a corpse of some animal in the pot. She then put the pot on one of the burners of the Bunn coffee maker and walked back to her desk to give her gourmet mea timel to “cook”. Within minutes this rancid odor filled the area around the coffee station. My boss, one of those sophisticated corporate types, walked down to the coffee station to see what the hell was causing the odor. When he looked into the pot, he almost passed out cold. Marion (the earthy girl) was boiling a entire squirrel, and when I say “entire”, I mean head, toenails, tail and all (minus the fur…they did apparently skin their animals before eating them). It was something I will never forget, particularly when she actually ate the damn thing. My boss was so freaked out about this whole experience that he actually wrote a hilarious poem about it. I wish I still had a copy of his poem; it was epic! I always wanted to submit Marion’s meal to Virgin airlines as a proposed meal in their first class cabin but somehow the company didn’t buy my idea. I, personally, think it would have been a big hit.
Winner!
I think Granny Clampett might have had a good recipe for squirrel!
Ain’t nothing better than squirrel gravy and biscuits
Beloved and I run a seasonal smoke house/sausage kitchen primarily for hunters and game clubs. One year someone brought us squirrel to smoke. I didn’t try it. I have eaten rabbit and people say it’s similar but I’m not buying it.
Even if it was IBM and I was the CEO….If I saw looked in that pot I would just get in my car and go home without saying a word.
This isn’t necessarily weird stuff, but it’s HOW it’s eaten: We always have some “look-at-me-I’m-healthier-than-you” bonehead eat HALF of a donut! For God’s sake, quit being such a wussified, dainty, fancy lad and eat the whole dang thing!!
We do have a couple of vegetarians at work and when they heat up their tofu-vegetable-whatever in the microwave, it smells like a dumpster in August! Give me a burger any old day! 🙂
I’m lucky – I have a private office space. There is no way I could eat around a bunch of people.
The only people here who eat in the break room are all the women that work here. None of the men eat there.
That sounds sexist, but it is actually true. The men go out to eat, the women bring their lunch.
My wife eats radish sandwiches. Sounds very odd, and I seriously debated if I even wanted to try them out. Turns out that it’s very good!!
Toasted bread
sliced radish
mayo
pepper
give it a try if you dare!! 🙂
I’ll dare, but I need more detail. This “pepper” of which you speak: ground black? green bell? jalapeno? roasted red?
Thank you.
.
The pepper is to increase appetite. Five guys a bat and a ball.
jtb
LMAO! Wonder how many “got” this?
it’s black pepper.
it’s better than it sounds.
I worked for this doctor who was always dieting. She’d try any fad diet that she could get her sausage fingers on. The worst (for us) was The Cabbage Soup Diet. She ate this shit every day. It stunk to high heaven when she heated it up in the microwave. Then after a while, SHE stunk just like it. Not to mention her cabbage farts. Ugh. Oh..did I mention she was a gynecologist. Yeah..she smelled like that.
Oh God I remember this fad and the heiffer in my office who was on it. After drinking about 2 quarts of this foul brew, she’d waddle her way to the vending machine and come back with a giant bag of Fritos.
Went out with a girl who did that horseshit every spring to trim down. Yep, after a few days she’d smell just like it. Here’s what I do to trim down………..I fucking eat less !!!!
after 40 yrs of sammiches, i’m so sick of them,
i ate froot loops or some generic form thereof for the last yr
co worker thought that was gross
so to really freak him out i would use root beer, grape,or orange pop[i’m from wv] instead of milk on them
he was so happy to see me retire for numerous reasons, not just lunchtime
Some former coworkers used to put naan in the microwave to heat them up. Not naan on a plate, or even naan on a paper towel, it was naan directly on the bottom of the communal microwave that hadn’t been cleaned since 1986.
I did not do pot lucks when I worked there.
I refuse to eat anything at work that came from someone’s kitchen I don’t know. Some cheapos at Christmas always want to do a pot luck and I refuse. Pony up you cheap bastards and let’s go to a restaurant.
We have a guy at work that only eats potatoes as far as any of us know. I’ve been on business trips with him and when we go out or if it is a seminar and eat in all I’ve ever seen him eat is potatoes.
French fries, baked potatoes, home fries, hash browns, potato sticks, potato chips, potato crisps, mashed potatoes, etc.
At work all I ever see him eat are plain potato sticks and grippos bbq chips.
Not nasty but really odd.
OVER SLEP
ASSY EATS
ROBO BLOG
A former co-worker used to have a piece of so-called “pecan pie” most days. I don’t know what it really was, but when he microwaved it the whole office smelled like a home perm.
.
korean guy at work eats sashimi alllll the time. Sometimes he says “not so fresh today”…ha.
Not that weird except that he had a stomach virus or some kind of weird tapeworm or something for a while, like months, that caused him to uhh have a case of the “alli side effects” all the time. Doctor said it was too much sashimi. Well he’s better now, but still eats it allll the time. wtf? why would you continue to eat something that gives you the shits?
Someone else having the shits is simply funny. Be grateful for the entertainment.
He’s probably shooting mercury out of his bung hole.
Chan Ho has gotta GO!
Featuring Kam Fong as Chin Ho.
I had a kid who worked for me who was an exercise / weight lifting obsessive; he was all of about 5′ 2″. He would walk around with gallon ziplock bags of white meat chicken and lean beef and eat them all day. He was very into his own appearance and the ladies who worked with him nick named him “pretty pretty princess”
One time I took him to Five Guys for lunch and he asked if he could get his burger in a lettuce wrap (like In & Out Burger) they just stared at him
Kippers in oil sauce. The smell lasted for weeks.
If they are in season, I keep a bag of strawberries
Or cantaloupe cubes in the fridge.
I hate the smell if cheap coffee, smells like
Boiling acid. The numerous keurigs are slowly
Replacing the LBG era coffee urns.
Lyndon Baines Godfrey?
Am I the only dumbass that didn’t know Gomer was a Sodomite?
Shazzam!
Sodomite? More like Sodom-does, amirite?
/Best of luck to the happy couple.
Yeah, he used to blow Corporal Boyle behind the duty hut.
I never agreed with any of Boyle’s orders. Always thought he was a little too pragmatic and needed to be tougher.
Probably.
I eat non-breakfast foods for breakfast (hotdogs, fried chicken, chili, etc.) but I’d never dream of subjecting my coworkers to that bullshit. I leave for lunch so I have no idea what everyone else eats. There’s one guy that’s constantly drinking bright green ” shakes”. Wheat grass or something like that?
I also hate those assholes walking around with their fancy $7 reusable jugs full of ambiguous excretion colored fluids.
I no longer have the dubious pleasure of employment but we do have a teenager or two (or more) around here 24/7. One of them makes this sandwich spread–tuna, mustard and peanut butter. She gets it just right, and I swear it tastes like chicken. No fish, no peanuts, no mustard taste at all. The taste is pretty good but I can usually manage just about 2 bites (small bites) and then I’m thinking about the combination of ingredients, and I’m done.
I’ve eaten Tuna on English muffins since I was little. Now I’ve got the 17yr old girl doing it too.
I haven’t in a while, but when I was little, I used to put the noodles (from Lipton’s Chicken noodle – the small noodles) on crackers and eat them like an Hors d’oeuvre.
My parents used to make sandwiches of home fries.