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What I’ve Learned About Ear Trouble, My Exciting Retirement Plan, and Cheap Beer

January 21, 2014 By Jeff 52 Comments

laysI know it probably sounds like I’ve gone full-Noss on this thing, but I’m still not feeling great. It’s been a week, and I haven’t been able to get all the way back to normal. I’m well enough to work, of course. But my head feels like it’s packed out with a roll of that Pink Panther insulation, and my ears are all jacked-up. I hate ear trouble; it throws off my whole world. This is bullshit already.

My dad has a lot of ear problems, and passed them on to me. It’s not unusual for me to wake up in the morning with one side sealed-off like a submarine. It’s something I’ve dealt with all my life, and there’s nothing that can be done about it… except ride it out. I used to try to “fix” it, and actually tried various remedies suggested by blowhards. But unless I just leave it alone I’m making it worse. That is an absolute truth, learned the hard way.

It’s a difficult thing to ignore, though. It feels like it can be cleared up with a simple finger-wiggle in the earhole, or a tug on the lobe, or whatever. But it’s deceptive, and if you’re not careful you’ll set yourself back a full day or more. It takes immense willpower to leave it alone, but I’m pretty good with it by now. It took 40 years or more, but I’ve trained myself to resist the false promises of the finger-wiggle.

Lay’s is having another contest where people suggest various new flavors of potato chips. Three will be chosen, I think, and will actually go into production. Then they’ll let people vote, and one will be added to the permanent rotation. If you make it to the final three, you get fitty grand, and the winner gets a million.

My entry: Denver Omelette. I think it’s a good choice, and I’m letting it ride. I’m casting my entire lot with the Denver Omelette.

I posted about this exciting development at Twitter and Facebook: it’s basically my retirement plan. The Lay’s potato chip contest is all I have left at this point. And you know what people said? Not “great idea!” or “you nailed it!” No, they wanted to know “what’s a Denver Omelette?” You see? You see how it goes for me? And you wonder why I’m annoyed all the time.

Believe me, if I know what a goddamn Denver Omelette is, you should too. My knowledge of breakfast foods is not exactly immense. If I’ve successfully absorbed this information, there’s no reason you shouldn’t have, as well. Grrr…

What are some OTHER good ideas for new chip flavors? Please tell us about them in the comments section below.

I’m a grouchy bastard these days, and am not firing on even half my cylinders. I apologize. And I’ll just leave you with these ratings of cheap American beers, and ask for you opinions. What do you think? I agree with The People’s Bracket; I’ve always said PBR is the best cheap beer. It simply is. What are your opinions on this important subject?

Someday I’ll be back to normal, my friends, but today is not that day.

See ya tomorrow!

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!

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Comments

  1. Limey says

    January 21, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Life’s too short to drink crappy cheap beer. The only one I find drinkable out of their chosen 16 is Icehouse, and I only like that when it’s 90 degrees out and I can chug a few quickly to cool me down.

    Reply
  2. Dogberryjr says

    January 21, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Budweiser and PBR are fine for tending the smoker, or a long barbecue. The rest just make me sad.

    Reply
  3. Swami Bologna says

    January 21, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    I had to Google “Denver Omelette.” And I learned it’s the same thing as a “Western Omelette.” I think it’s probably a regional thing, Jeff — we Pennsylvanians call it a Western Omelette, and have never heard it referred to as a Denver Omelette.

    Reply
  4. Miketheripper says

    January 21, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    I currently on a Shiner “Ruby Red” or somesuch kick. Awesome beer with hints of grapefruit and ginger! Just as good in the winter as it is in the summer. My standby domestic is Miller Lite. It tastes like beer.

    Reply
  5. Billy Joel says

    January 21, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Bratwurst and Kraut flavored chips, washed down with an ice cold PBR

    Reply
    • Uncle_Wedgie says

      January 21, 2014 at 2:35 pm

      Yum!

      Reply
    • Billy Joel says

      January 21, 2014 at 2:41 pm

      I also submitted BBQ Slaw (A Carolina Treat!) and Chicken and Waffles flavored chips to the Lays contest.

      Reply
      • Billy Joel says

        January 21, 2014 at 2:56 pm

        ….as well as Curry Chicken, and Garlicky Mushroom and Swiss flavored chip. I wonder what I’ll do with my million dollars?

        Reply
        • Limey says

          January 21, 2014 at 6:55 pm

          You can get your Curry chips here:

          http://www.taquitos.net/snack_guide/Walkers

          Reply
      • madz1962 says

        January 21, 2014 at 3:22 pm

        I think they already had chicken and waffles for real the last go round.

        chicken fried steak may be nice.

        Reply
      • maineseadog says

        January 22, 2014 at 5:00 pm

        BBQ Slaw would be great! Slaw Dog would too.

        Reply
  6. madz1962 says

    January 21, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    Some of the inventors of those Lays flavors should be hung and quartered after a nice round house to the groin area. Strawberry shortcake? TF? Apple Pie? No no no no. I’m a potato chip purist. POE-TAY-TOE. I don’t even want to imagine what kind of flavoring they use to create Philly cheesesteak.

    Michelob Light got me through some good and bad times. And PBR reminds me of my grandfather.

    Reply
  7. 6sigma says

    January 21, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    Lays had a similar contest late last year in Canada. Some of the chosen flavours were Perogie and sour cream, grilled cheese and ketchup and maple moose (whatever the hell that is). There was a fourth that was remarkable forgettable. As a side note, they were all hideous.

    Reply
    • Good2go says

      January 21, 2014 at 8:00 pm

      I couldn’t taste any moose in the Maple Moose chips.

      Reply
  8. Knucklehead says

    January 21, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    My dad always ordered a Denver Omelette when we went out to breakfast.

    I, too, get submarine ear and lucky for me BOTH my parents passed it down to me! One of the few things I have my mother send me from the US is ear drops, coz that shit makes me homicidal.

    Reply
  9. Knucklehead says

    January 21, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    Oh, and we have Oregano flavored Lay’s here and they rock.

    Reply
  10. Ginger says

    January 21, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    It was me that didn’t know what a Denver omelette contained, sorry! I don’t like or eat omelettes and my Google was broken that day. I still think, minus the egg flavor, that combination would be great on a chip!

    Anybody try Shiner White Wing? It’s my latest Shiner favorite! Similar to, but better than, Blue Moon.

    Reply
  11. icecycle66 says

    January 21, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    I first tried to make a “Pussy” flavored chip.
    It didn’t let me, but I recommend that you go and try to make it also. The message is excellent.

    My flavor is “Oatmeal Cream Pie”, because I like to smash chips on my oatmeal cream pies. it tastes good.

    Reply
    • Fat Dave says

      January 21, 2014 at 3:36 pm

      They also kicked back “Cleveland Steamer.”

      Reply
    • icecycle66 says

      January 21, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      I just added “Fried Chicken Skin” and “Soylent Green” to my flavors.

      Reply
  12. Joe T says

    January 21, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    Without doubt, Miller High Life. Ice cold on a hot day, I could be convinced to pass up the craft brews for the Champagne of Beers.

    Reply
  13. Fat Dave says

    January 21, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    Busch Light has more flavor than regular Bud, much less Bud Light, which has none. A lot of women must be in their focus group.

    Reply
  14. Sheryl says

    January 21, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    I LOVE Denver Omelettes Jeff! those idiots don’t know what they’re missing!!! I will vote for them if they make it all the way!!!

    Reply
  15. Billy Joel says

    January 21, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    This Lays contest seems to be turning into pretty good source of cheap comedy. I’m still laughing about someones submission for “cup of corn” chips. Then there is the anti-fungal powder flavored chips. I just submitted a flavor called “Things n’ Beyond” to try and add to the levity.

    Reply
  16. Alex says

    January 21, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    WTF is a denver omlette? (Okay, I did look it up) Around here they go by ‘toasted western’.

    Not to rain on your parade, but you got to resubmit a non-regional name. “You” ‘mericans get so damn petty about regional boundaries Lays will likely kick anything specifically associated with a city/place/region names lest they offend some yahoo out on the wrong coast or too far out in the midwest.

    Reply
    • Limey says

      January 21, 2014 at 7:40 pm

      Here’s some Cajun Squirrel flavor chips:

      http://www.taquitos.net/chips/Walkers_Cajun_Squirrel_Flavour_Potato_Crisps

      Reply
      • Alex says

        January 22, 2014 at 5:16 pm

        Now that I’d try.
        Gotta wonder why Lays would offer those flavors in the UK and not over here. Some of those could be winners.
        And in conspiracy theory news, those naming contests probably just select something out of that obscure Euro already made flavors.

        Reply
  17. Ed says

    January 21, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    My nominations:

    Stage Four Gingivitus

    Toasted Alpo

    Sweaty Hoo-Ha

    Reply
  18. chill says

    January 21, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    I nominate:
    – Scampi (butter, garlic and parsley; bring your own shrimp)
    – Extra Salty
    – Autolyzed Yeast Extract with MSG

    Potato chip flavors need to be savory, not sweet.
    .

    Reply
    • Alex says

      January 21, 2014 at 9:07 pm

      Amen to that. Canadian potato chips all too often tend to fall to the sweet side rather than savory. My favorite, couldn’t be more different in flavor is the doritos fiery jalapano. Very good and right to the point in the US, but more like a glorified katsup chip here. And that is repeated by all the major players up here for their “hot” flavors (Lays, Hostess, etc).

      Reply
  19. chill says

    January 21, 2014 at 7:03 pm

    And BTW, all those beers taste the same to me, which is almost no flavor. Why bother when there is so much good beer to be had?
    .

    Reply
    • madz1962 says

      January 22, 2014 at 8:57 am

      I guess if you’re a drunk on a budget, these things would matter.

      Reply
  20. JCIII says

    January 21, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    Good Evening Surf Reporters….

    JK, sorry to hear you are in a funk, but I feel for you. Had the same thing about 2 weeks ago and still not 100%. Started 2 days before New Year, where I was prone on the couch, under 3 blankets, sweating and shivering at the same time. No food, just water, and I felt like I had been beaten with a pillowcase full of full pop (soda) cans.

    It wasn’t until mid day New Year’s Eve that I managed to get vertical and attempt to eat a little. Slowly and surely recovered, but like I said, even now, still not feeling all that chipper. This bug going around, it do linger.

    As far as chip flavors go, all the ones I’m thinking about have probably already been done before.
    Bacon and Horseradish?
    Pork and Beans?
    Chicken and Ranch?
    I still endorse a Herr’s brand; regular potato chips seasoned with Old Bay. My gawd, they’re addictive. You’ll be at the bottom of the bag before you know it.

    Finally, glad to see my Miller High Life as the winner of the Cheap Beer bracket. That’s my go to swill of choice every since Rolling Rock sold the farm and moved to New Jersey. They said you wouldn’t notice the difference? Bullshit. I drank one just to say I did and never hoisted another one again. Water from the Mountain streams versus water from the stagnant marshlands of Jersey? Yeah, you’ll notice the difference.

    Well, that’s my 2 bits worth.

    Reply
    • Rat Bastard says

      January 22, 2014 at 6:48 am

      I quit drinking Rolling Rock for the same reason. Did NOT taste the same.

      Reply
      • son of sam says

        January 25, 2014 at 5:22 pm

        Me too JC. I’ve been drinking with one of your coworkers bothers Mengel. Good guys.

        Reply
  21. Ed says

    January 21, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    Weeks ago my ears suddenly blocked up, along with a shrill electronic buzz in the left one. This shit hasn’t let up ever since it started. It’s so distracting it’s shaving off about 30 IQ points. My hearing isn’t the greatest anyway, but now it’s pathetic. The guy I work closest with is Vietnamese with a pretty strong accent, and many times, just so I don’t ask him to repeat himself so often, I just smile and pantomime like I know what the hell he’s talking about.

    Reply
  22. bikerchick says

    January 21, 2014 at 10:29 pm

    I am still on my second round of antibiotics from the shit I’ve had that started day before Christmas Eve. I had a sore throat that wouldn’t go away. Then came the aches and sweats. Sinuses. The works. A z-pack did nothing. Had to go on something stronger. Yesterday was the first day I felt “normal”. Almost a month. Crazy. All of our friends have had it. We’re just passing it around.

    My ears are a mess. Out of no where, the ringing began last year. My hearing sucks as it is. Loud noises pierce me. It’s awful. I was told the ringing is irreversible. I can get some sort of hearing aids to drown out the ringing. So now I sleep with the TV because the ringing will drive me crazy in a silent room. It blows.

    How about chips that taste like a Big Mac? I’ll take my million in one lump sum.

    Reply
    • Clueless says

      January 22, 2014 at 7:35 am

      My ears have been ringing for years, but it sounds like crickets and I love to hear crickets on summer nights so I can live with it. Especially enjoy when the crickets outside are louder than the ones in my ears. At least it’s crickets and not voices.

      My husband has been bugging me to get hearing aids, but I don’t need to hear what he’s saying (what?) so why bother?

      Reply
  23. E2M says

    January 21, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    Jeff,

    As far as earaches go, I can pass on my Dad’s Mom’s old school holistic remedy. My Dad is 91, when he was a child and had an earache his Mom would put a couple of drops of warm urine in his ear.

    I don’t know if this treatment ever underwent a double blind, peer reviewed study, but I bet Dad and his brothers didn’t complain when their ears hurt.

    Be good.

    Reply
    • m says

      January 21, 2014 at 11:30 pm

      So how do you decide who gets to piss in your ear?

      Reply
      • johnthebasket says

        January 22, 2014 at 2:48 pm

        Sounds like an opportunity for a fundraiser.

        Reply
  24. hardoxdan says

    January 22, 2014 at 12:00 am

    Can’t believe the Cheap Beer study did not include Genesee Cream Ale. Around here, it is about $14.00 for a 30 pack. Sometimes I get on a roll and consume 3 cases of this swill in one week. My recycling can overfloweth.

    Stopped for gas several weeks ago near Frederick, Maryland and went inside to pee. They had a beer sale going on and I took all 5 cases (30 packs). I think they were $11.95 for a 30 pack. The toothless guy even put them in the truck for me. Wife was not amused.

    Pretty good beer for the cheap stuff.

    Reply
  25. Rat Bastard says

    January 22, 2014 at 6:52 am

    I’ll submit “leftover beercan ashtray” to Lay’s. Ever accidentally picked one of those up and took a swig? The memory/taste will not be soon forgotten.

    Reply
    • chill says

      January 22, 2014 at 8:08 am

      Hey, there’s beer in this ashtray!
      .

      Reply
    • madz1962 says

      January 22, 2014 at 9:02 am

      OMG Rat, I haven’t seen the old “beer can ashtray” in ages. I remember one party where the only non-smoker grabbed a Newport Heineken. The look of horror can never be replicated.

      Reply
      • chill says

        January 22, 2014 at 6:53 pm

        At least it wasn’t a Jacks Michelob Ultra.
        .

        Reply
      • Rat Bastard says

        January 23, 2014 at 8:35 pm

        Our drummer used to use beercans as ashtrays in our practice space and leave them on the floor behind the kit. More than once, I’d go behind the kit to show him an idea, put my beer down, play, then pick up my beercan and take a swig of his ashtray. Never puked, though. Just would curse like a sailor.

        Reply
  26. Miketheripper says

    January 22, 2014 at 11:04 am

    After a full day of consideration, I think I would like to see a fried okra chip. If they could faithfully replicate the savory goodness of skillet fried (not deep fried) okra in a potato chip I think my life would be complete!

    Reply
  27. DataTater says

    January 22, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    PBR-flavored chips?

    Reply
  28. Ed says

    January 22, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    Taint ‘n’ Swiss

    Reply
    • chill says

      January 22, 2014 at 6:54 pm

      Sweaty taint with gravy, or regular taint?
      .

      Reply
  29. t-storm says

    January 22, 2014 at 10:59 pm

    I submitted biscuits and gravy

    Reply

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