I worked last night, on my usual day off, and (are you ready for this hilarity?) thought I might be able to get out of there around 9:30. Isn’t that a classic? Yes, I’m chuckling down the front of my Chick Magnet shirt as I type this…
And as I was pulling into our driveway at 3:00 this morning, I saw that the garage door was open – again. It’s one of those little things that never fails to infuriate me. I’d say 50 percent of the time, our garage door is open when I come home from work in the middle of the night. And no amount of ranting or bitching stops it from happening.
I just don’t understand. Clearly, there’s not a problem OPENING the garage door, but when it comes time to CLOSE it… there’s a different set of circumstances. And all three of them – Toney and the boys – act like it’s no big deal, like I’m just making a mountain out of an ass zit, or whatever. We’ll see what they have to say when our lawnmower and everybody’s bike gets stolen.
So, I was grumbling under my breath as I entered the house, and Andy greeted me at the door. He’s the worst-smelling ray of sunshine in my life. I petted him, and told him to hang on a minute. I needed to drop my keys and iPod and stuff, before his late-night yard dump could commence.
And in the kitchen I spotted a giant box of Honey Nut Cheerios, with the top and inner-bag gaping open. What the hell, man?? That thing probably cost five dollars, and was just sitting there, going stale. Even if it was some shitty cereal, like Kaboom, you wouldn’t just leave it open like that; you wouldn’t just walk away. I began mumbling profanity, secured the bunker buster of premium breakfast cereal, and tended to Black Lips Houlihan and his shitting needs.
After that was over… we came back inside and the hound started prancing around his food bowl. He wanted more poop fuel, so I went to the bin where we keep it. EMPTY. There was no food whatsoever, and I’d mentioned it several days before. “Andy needs food, next time you’re at the store,” I’d said. But he had none.
So, I put my shoes back on, and went to the all-night grocery store across town. I might have said a few more of the bad words while I was driving. A woman in a wheelchair was sitting outside the front door of the store, smoking like a Chinese factory. “Good morning,” she said, in a terrifying Babe Ruth-at-the-end rattle. “How are you?” I answered, before a coughing fit took hold of her.
I always get an anxious feeling when I’m in a grocery store in the middle of the night. The stockers are usually working, you see, and it reminds me of my years doing that terrible job, in North Carolina. It’s worse than you might think. If you’ve ever done it, you know. The sounds and the smells… it all takes me back, and my anus flexes.
Andy gobbled down a big serving of Kibbles ‘n’ Bits, and I reminded him (once again) that if it wasn’t for me he’d be a dog skeleton in the living room floor. I have no doubt he’d been prancing around that bowl during the evening, and nobody noticed. It’s a sad state of affairs.
This morning the cable guy was supposed to come – sometime between 10:30 and 11:30. Toney gave them my cell phone number, and they were going to call when they were on their way. But there was no call, some guy just showed up around 11:10.
Service to our upstairs TV stopped a few days ago, and Toney went to the Comcast place in the mall and traded cable boxes. It did no good, so they sent out The Man.
Andy barked like a maniac when the van pulled into our driveway, then got scared. As the guy was messing around with a sensor of some sort, the dog jumped on my lap and sat straight up. He’s no lap dog, so this was unusual behavior. And it was weird that he wasn’t lying down, he was sitting bolt upright. On my lap.
The guy took care of our problem, within a few short minutes. For some unknown reason that “port” had been turned off. It wasn’t authorized to receive any channels, at the same time our downstairs TV was working perfectly. It seems like something they could’ve handled over the phone… But who the hell knows? He fixed it, was fairly pleasant, and sped away.
After he left, Andy jumped down and began a sniffing campaign that lasted for five full minutes. He got a thorough reading of every surface the guy had come in contact with, was eventually satisfied with his findings, sighed loudly, and went to sleep.
I went to Moe’s for lunch, had a Joey Bag o’ Donuts burrito (or as we regulars call it… a Joey), and now I’m at the library tapping out this update. Almost exactly 24 hours after this grand adventure began.
What were the highlights of your last 24 hours? Please tell us about them, won’t you? Use the comments link below.
And here’s something I uploaded while waiting on the cable guy this morning… It’s from 1848. Pretty weird, huh?
I’m calling it a week, my friends. I’m spent. I’m going to watch Revolution, Tosh.0, and South Park tonight. Then I’m going to bed. Good god. I feel like Sean Penn has beaten me with a pillow case full of Coke cans.
Have a great weekend!
Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself: ninja grappling hook!
Rat Bastard says
Highlights? Escaping PA for the weekend and running around your old stomping grounds (Atlanta) — and getting drunk.
It has indeed been a suck of a week. My highlights included a mammogram yesterday (I like to call it tittie pancake time) and my dad going into the hospital this afternoon with his kidneys shut down without letting any of us know he’d been sick this week. I have new software going in at work that I have to know how to operate by Tuesday and we got a new phone system going from a 20 year old pbx (that i could operate in my sleep) to a VOIP that I keep losing people on.
Vicki, good luck with your Dad. My Dad had the same ailment. Horrible, just horrible.
Oh, and I go for a colonoscopy next Monday (October 8). Then I make an appointment for the tit squeeze.
lol “Secret Diseases.”
Also $2 seems like awfully low for administering an enema… I’d be jacking that up to more like $50.
T. Farty McAppleass says
It is nice to see that someone back then had the decency not to charge an arm and a leg for an arm and a leg.
I’ve left my garage open a few nights. We live in a pretty decent neighborhood, but still have had two bikes stolen out of it. The last time I had only left it open (to cool off) for a few hours in the evening. Won’t do that anymore.
I think I am a contender to win this one. In the last 24 hours, I had the brilliant idea to take my kids to the state park and let them ride their bikes alongside me as I ran a few miles. Seems like a good idea, right? Well, while we were out there, I had the brilliant idea to take my phone out and take some pictures of things we saw and OF COURSE, ended up dropping my driver’s license (which should never have even been with my phone) into the great outdoors. Didn’t realize this until we got back to the car and it was too dark to go back. Oh my gosh! I freaked out, and succeeded in freaking my kids out, too.
After worrying all night, at first light I headed back out to look for it, and after an hour, I gave up. So then the fun starts! Time to go to Texas DPS for a new license! Yes, that was how I wanted to spend MY Friday! I got in a line, to take a number, to get in a line, to wait. After an eternity in the bowels of Hell, with children (none my own) climbing all over myself and the other dozens of strangers their parents had no qualms about, I finally won the DPS lottery and I approached my appointed stall. This is when my heart dropped as I was informed that I had to re-take my license picture… in running clothes, no makeup, no hair done, no warning.
I know that doesn’t sound like a terrible thing, but I think the ladies out there would agree that having to get a new license picture when you’re unprepared for it is a nightmare. I’m stuck with this picture for all time.
And now, 23 hours later, I’m sitting in my garage, flying a kite in the rain while I hang IKEA shelves for my kids sidewalk chalk. And some hiker somewhere is stealing my identity.
I was able to follow the story without too much difficulty until the first sentence of the last paragraph. Huh?
I dumped a whole box of Honey Nut Cheerios into my dog’s bowl.
Get a garage door monitor at Home Depot. About $20. There’s a little module you tape to the garage door, and an indicator that goes in the house with a green/red LED. Put it above the bed.On Toney’s side.
Great update too. You can really paint a good picture.
I put out a BMW on fire, assisted with a pedestrian that got hit by a car then ate a huge block of chocolate before bed. Perfect.
Yes, great week for me as well.
Left Philadelphia airport on Sunday to fly to Las Vegas for a trade show..Sat in Chicago for a 6 hour lay-over (supposed to be 1 hour and 15 minutes.)
Cheap-ass company books us in Hotel Shit-O-Rama. Cabs won’t even come here. We must walk roughly 2 miles to Circus Circus to get a fucking beer (or a cab.) Junkies demand a dollar or a cigarette to allow us to walk down the street unmolested. I finally found a broken broom stick and carried it with me so if anyone asked me for something, I just pointed it in their face and stared them down, straight in the eye until they walked away.
Meanwhile, all of the VP pricks stayed at “Aria” for $600 a night and stopped by our booth for roughly 3 minutes. Pricks.
The best meal I had there was Tony Roma’s ribs and they sucked also. Got home at midnight last night. I think I got a total of 4 hours sleep in 5 days. And my beautiful freshman college daughter overdrew her checking account by 11 cents for which I will pay a $35.00 fee.
I sat around waiting for the mandated gas meter exchange guys to show up. Every 10-15 years apparently.
Spent an inordinate amount of time on the net researching vacuum cleaners. Cannister. Bagged.
One word: Dyson. Worth every damned cent.
I agree, Dyson is the way to go.
Yesterday after work I asked my boss why I shouldn’t be looking for a job, since our company has begun to resemble a sinking ship. He spoke reassuring words, which I think he believes, but we’ll see.
Tonight I stopped at Safeway on the way home and saw a truly delightful thing. Next to the Safeway is a shoe store called “Shoes 4 Comfort”. They were closed, but their sign was lit up, being that it was after dark. Their initial “S” was burnt out. I laughed, and took a picture.
I love Kaboom cereal!!
Hey man, I like Kaboom.
The Kuban says
Kaboom – Cleans bathroom grout and it’s tasty too!
I’ve been sitting here in Dallas for a week waiting for my truck to either get fixed or given a tourching. Had a rent-a-car lined out to drive home for next week and meet up with my cousins driving out from Santa Rosa, Calif. I was going to leave this morning but Dan called from Vegas yesterday and cancled due to an admitted lack of road chops. They’re heading back home. So I’ll sit here and the highlight of the day will be taking the hotel shuttle to Wal-Mart…just like yesterday.
We frequently forget the garage door too. Sometimes I do it and each time I end up doing a quick inventory to see if anything’s missing.
My big problem is that my wife and daughter feel that light switches are unidirectional. I am constantly bitching and walking through the house turning them off.
Now, onto my roughest “24” hours of my week. (The quotation marks will make sense shortly).
Up at 5 am on Wednesday and into work at 7 taking care of some of the sickest of the sick. Worked 12 hours and spent the last 4 with a first year resident in tow so I could teach him to start IV’s.
Got home a little after 8, ate dinner and watched tv. Dozed in the lazy boy for about 30 minutes and went to bed about 10:30. Slept for about 20 minutes and then my phone rang.
I was called in to treat a guy who came in from another hospital, so out of bed, dressed and bak in the hospital at midnight.
I treated that guy until about 5am and took a 2 hour nap. Got up at 7 and started seeing patients in my clinic until 4.
I was at work for bat 28 out of 33 hours.
Then I went home, took my family to dinner and fell asleep in the lay-z-boy at 730.
All in all a fairly long day.
Ah, unidirectional light switches. Those annoy me far too much. I appreciate light bulbs cost pennies an hour run, but it’s the principle. If you can’t be arsed to turn of lights when you’ve finished with them, next you’ll be leaving open boxes of cereal on the counter to go stale overnight.
God Bless you SIR
Phil Jett says
Our garage door opens any time the power flickers off and on. If it goes out for a few minutes or an hour nothing. If it’s the quick cycle, probably due to the utility doing some local switching, it opens. Then I have to reset it to get it to shut.
I’ve tried everything to get it to stop with the exception of buying a new opener.
The last 24 hours I spent most of it sleeping or catching up on some dvring I did during the week. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night from 5 pm to 5 am, slept until 11 am on Friday and was back in bed by 10:30 because I was dragging ass.
Swami Bologna says
No one has mentioned how great this update was? Genius. Good stuff. Keeps me checking for more, every day.
Great update! Excellent visuals!
Let’s see…the last 24 hours…after I left Tits n Taint Plastic Surgery Group….we went to a kick ass haunted hayride and farm. We try to Gladys every year. Cheesemans Fright Farm. Highly recommended. Love,, love, love that shit. Kit was awesome as always.
Today, I sold my jewelry at a local fall festival. Did really well. I was proud of myself! Enjoy doing shows.
Don’t you just love the auto-fill in bullshit….Gladys? The FUCK???. “We try to GO THERE every year.
Root 66 says
See, I thought “Gladys” was some kind of new euphemism I didn’t know about. Thanks for clearing that up!
I nodded knowingly as if I knew what “Gladys” meant.
“Tits and Taint” – I’m DYING here!
I try to Gladys every year too, but sometimes
Gladys just ain’t up for it.
Headbutted our way through Wal-Mart.
Send the kids to spend the night with frineds, so we had lots of fuck and Eggs Benedict.
Got some new computer stuff I ordered through the mail.
Caught some fishes at the river.
We have some friends coming over tonight for a fondue party.
Mmmmmmmmm……fondue! We did a fondue dessert buffet for our annual Christmas Eve party last year. Everyone went ape shit crazy over it!
I had a really bizarre 24 hour stint earlier this week. I went back to work Wednesday after a week and 1/2 much needed vacation. The twit that covered for me filed every email in an “FYI” folder I set up. Every email from 7 days worth of work. I didn’t know what was done, what was still open, what was shit. Fucking twat – I left explicit, simple instructions.
Beloved and I said “fukkit” and went to dinner Wednesday night. A local place that has a “steak night” special. We were ushered in, past the bar that had about 4 tables occupied and into a cavernous, yet empty dining room. Forgoing the usual pre-dinner cocktails, we opted instead for wine with dinner. That’s whne we were introduced to “Rose” the loudmouth wine expert bitch. She kept trying too hard to up her tip and instantly grated on our last nerve. She talked too loud, tried to hit every emotion and finally pushed us over the edge when she ran in telling us she just closed our “WIDE OPEN CAR DOOR!” The fuck? Like we didn’t close our doors on a busy street? We were ready to walk out but Bloved asked if she had been drinking and she stomped off in a huff.
After every course, the waitress kept coming by our table asking us “Are you done chomping?” CHOMPING?? She couldn’t conjure up another verb? OK, we weren’t at the Four Seasons, but it’s not like we were in a barnyard chewing cud, either. Chomping. Holy Christ. We left a marginal tip. There were other incidents but I’m still in shock over the whole affair.
The next eveing, (still within the 24 hour span) I went to my Improv class so exhausted, my brain refused to function. I was aggravated at myslef because we’re studying to put on a show and I couldn’t come up with anything funny. the whole troupe was in a funk. If this was Show Night, we’d bomb.
I hink i need to deliver my next lines in a “Babe Ruth at the end rattle”. Wish me luck!
“Chomping”???? That’s a first. Barnyard Sue should take your improv class…
Speaking of which….Improv class? How fun!!
Maybe the grage door opener accidently turned off your Cable port.
Our garage door frequently gets left open. It is one of my peeves. My bf doesn’t see the problem. Really?? Well…since it’s heated/AC’d, I’m not exactly excited about all of that spilling out onto the neighborhood and paying the public gouging utility companies. Also, the three beloved Harley’s and tons of tools would be a nice payday for someone. Not to mention…someone could just waltz right into the house….garage, basement, right up the steps.
Lee Harvey Ramone says
Last 24 hours? Just the usual……alien abduction, anal probes, watched some TV….nothing new here.
Love the “Secret Diseases”. Is it included in the fee that they won’t tell everybody you have the clap? Also, I love that they charge $25-$100 to drill a hole in your skull.
The skull-drilling fee depends upon how thick-headed you are.
Nobody’s mentioned the most AMAZING thing about this update – a cable guy specified a ONE HOUR WINDOW and actually arrived DURING THAT TIMEFRAME??? I’m astounded. Every service worker I’ve ever dealt with is scheduled to arrive “between 8 and 5”.
Root 66 says
For all you guys tired of your mother-in-law, it’s good to know that “removal of female mamma” is only 30 bucks! That’s one heckuva bargain–even in 1848!
Does it work for all us GALS tired of our mother in law???
Doing a little internet research, I found that a good approximate current value of the $30 fee for mamma removal is $882.00.
Applying some 2012 judicial activist legal reasoning (the norm here in CA) to the price list, I can identify TW as a “female mama”; I have our 2 sons to thank for that. Assuming the “Agreed Rate of Medical Charges” is still in effect, my goal now is to convince TW that Charlottesville, VA, is a fine spot for a Fall vacation. Then I’ll feign illness, get her to take me to a doctor’s office (I’ll gladly pay extra for a couple of ounces of Tincture), and then pay less than a grand for a mamma removal!
This plan directly relates to the QOD re: highlights of the last 24 hours. I was TW’s Hormone Hell.
The Obstetrics section was disturbing. Black kids cost ten dollars less to deliver than white kids? WTF !! Also, whether you’re black or white, you get that second twin for only ten bucks more! What a deal!!
Well in the past 36 hours I’ve flown to Phoenix from OKC, watched the bengals win, had taco bell, IHOP, started a new job, ridden the bus in Mesa, walked 4.5 miles, and had a Shift beer.
Welcome to Arizona, America’s Blast Furnace!
t-storm, congrats on the new job! And all that other shit, too!