I know there’s a lot of snobbery when it comes to buffets, and that’s because many of them are terrible and attract shouty people in Ocean City 2017 shirts with buzzcut hicklet children named Colt, and whatnot. Indeed, places like Old Country Buffet and Golden Corral are one step up from school cafeterias, and that’s impossible to defend. However… there are good alternatives, and folks should not paint with too broad a gluttony brush.
On the latest episode of the podcast I talked about an amazing buffet Toney and I visited on Friday. It’s located in the heart o’ “Amish country” and is called Shady Maple Smorgasbord. It had a distinct Las Vegas-feel, with the sprawling dining room and grand mal-triggering carpet. And the buffet itself was enormous — roughly the length of a football field, it felt like. In addition to that impossible spectacle they had several kiosks where you could get made-to-order burgers, hot dogs, cheesesteaks, NY Strip steaks(!), and many other things. It was crazy!
After we paid our entrance fee (just $15 each during lunch hours) and was assigned a table, we went to work. And mister, the shit was good. At a lot of those types of places you can tell some of the vegetables are from a can, and plenty of corners were cut across the (smorgas)board. But not here. Everything tasted like it was straight outta grandma’s kitchen. The pot roast, in particular, was perhaps the best I’d ever tasted. I hope my mother isn’t reading this…
I’d been hearing about this place for years, but Friday was our first visit. It’s about two hours from our house. Heh. Have you ever driven two hours to eat lunch at a buffet? In any case, I told Toney in advance that I planned to get my money’s worth. I was doing mock stretches in the parking lot preparing for battle. And I did some decent damage, but wasn’t totally happy with my performance. I hit the wall after a small garden salad and three sizable plates of food. It felt like a true professional would’ve been able to push through the pain. I was beating myself up for quitting at the first sign of trouble. Sure, I believed I might vomit or shit myself, but have a feeling that’s what separates the men from the boys. Once your body threatens to revolt and eject something in protest, or the hallucinations start to kick in, it scares the amateurs and they abort the mission. True nirvana is reached only after you summon the strength to push through the terrifying part. And I behaved like an amateur.
I did, however, have two desserts. So, I’m proud of that. I can’t say I really enjoyed either of them, but made them disappear via sheer stubbornness. Later I nearly passed out (and I’m not joking in the least) during a tour of the Troegs Brewery in Hershey. I went into detail on the podcast, but it had to do with the fact that I was loaded to capacity with mashed potatoes, gravy, beef, and apple cobbler, plus a “welcome beer,” and an incredibly hot room where they store the grains and barley in that place. I’m not kidding, I thought I was going to collapse. But I maintained…
What are your thoughts on the buffet? And what are the best ones you’ve ever encountered? When we were in Vegas we had breakfast at one every morning, inside the Mirage. It was shockingly expensive, but also top-notch. They always asked if we wanted to add “unlimited beer and wine” for an additional $15 each. It was 9:00 am! Also, there’s a giant seafood buffet in Myrtle Beach that the boys love, called Crabby Mike’s. They go into some kind of wild frenzy there. I’m not really a seafood kinda guy, but appreciate the over-the-top abundance in that place.
What do you have on this subject? Please share in the comments.
And I’m going to try to get back on track with these updates. I’m not even sure what happened, and the excuses don’t really matter anyway. I’ll do better.
Have a great day, my friends.
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LOL, Shady Maple Smorgasbord. I’ve not been but a relative once told me, in a hushed conspiratorial tone, that they have “a dozen types of pie”. Apparently my fondness for pies is not a secret. “A dozen types of pie” said in that weird rural Pennsylvanian accent has become part of our family lexicon.
The buffet at the Bellagio in LV is pretty cool. I loaded up on many fancy desserts.
However I’ll be giving buffets a miss until the plague calms down.
I read somewhere that Covid shutdowns killed a lot of buffet places. The Golden Corral we had here in Morgantown shut down. Not really my thing. Although I do like salad bars. I wish they still had one in Giant Eagle/Kroger.
Thanks for the post, Jeff. Good to hear from you. Hey, sometimes life gets in the way.
As for smorgasbords or “buffets” where I’m located, 99% are Chinese. This is fine but they all taste the same after a while. Wish we had a good one like you described. I like them as long as they are kept clean and it doesn’t like like the hogs were just at the trough.
I’m too old for to eat buffets anymore. It’s no fun eating too much and feeling horrible for hours afterward. Once in a while a Brazilian rodizio is enough for me. My son though, he can sure put away the groceries.
I never go to buffets unless I’m forced to for some reason (it happens), but when I do go, I make the most of it. This means lots of room saved for dessert. I love the sweets, and a buffet is a decent justification to have a wide variety of lemon (bar) and lime (key lime pie) based desserts. Otherwise, everything else is usually pretty Veg-All and not worth the stomach space.
I haven’t been to a buffet in a hell’s age, but that Shady Maple looks… interesting. It’s about a three hour drive from my house; I’m sure I can locate a partner-in-gluttony for the trip. Plus: damn, they have pierogies.
When John Pinette died, I dragged some co-workers out to lunch at (of course) a Chinese buffet. A local non-chain which is OK but not awesome.
The best, the rare treat, would be a Brazilian steak house: Texas de Brazil is the one I’ve been to. It’s quite expensive, but seriously good.
Finally, the other year I lucked into free “Diamond Club” baseball tickets. We sat about four rows back from the home dugout, and the tickets included a buffet with open bar. One word: prime rib station.
The first place we went, when indoor dining resumed, was a Brazilian steakhouse. Does that count as a buffet? I don’t even have to get up. The South American picahna (sp?) cut of beef is so delicious it’s absurd we don’t dismember our cows in the same way. I can taste it now!
In Rhode Island there used to be a fantastic Chinese buffet. Always hot and fresh and surprisingly tasty. And the bartender never left your glass empty. They’ve been closed for about 3 years now and nothing moved in.
Also, in RI – I have a gift certificate but we’ve haven’t been yet. The Nordic Lodge. That place is ridiculously expensive ( $115.00 per person) and honestly, on me it’s a total waste of money. The big draw is seafood, 99% of which I don’t like or can’t eat due to allergies. I heard they now have a 2 hour time limit so people can’t sit for hours gorging on lobster.
In NY we have lousy Chinese buffets awash with hicklets and loud people. Haven’t been to one in decades.We also have lots of brunch buffets. The last time we went we were turned off by the owner. It was a nice, local steakhouse and they were bringing out a filet mignon for the carving station. A line started forming but the owner came in, whacked off a huge hunk and brought it to his friends sitting at the bar. The people on line were doled out a sliver apiece. We never went back.
The other brunch place is at the Hotel Thayer in West Point. We used to take my mother for her birthday every year. That place was outstanding and the views are magnificent.
Hicklets = little hicks? This is a new and interesting term for me!
The last buffet I went to was in Mississippi a couple of months ago. We saw a dad smack one of his fat kids on the head and say, “Don’t fill up on bread and noodles-get meat!!”
Welcome back, Jeff! So happy to see an update! (that should have been the first part of my comment.)
Years ago we used to vacation in Amish country and every time we’ hit up a place called Millers (https://www.millerssmorgasbord.com/) – If it is anything like it was then, it’s absolutely fantastic and worth the price (but look for online coupons to shave off a few dollars).
I once declared at said restaurant from having eaten so much food that I was “full from my asshole to my esophagus.”
In Cincinnati there was a place called Boi Na Braza – a Brazilian Steakhouse that was also amazing. If we planned to go, we’d make sure not to have much to eat during the day. Their filet mignon was amazing. Closed to move somewhere else right before COVID, I’m not sure if they will be returning which is a shame.
I have /never/ been able to get my money’s worth at the buffet. And Lord knows I’ve tried.
Our area chain of ‘Amish-ish’ restaurants has a breakfast buffet in addition to their lunch/dinner one. Personally, I much prefer the breakfast buffet. Everything is fresh and delicious. Biscuits, gravy, donuts, French toast, corned beef hash, eggs, and potatoes are all excellent and well worth the price. And I can ‘eat through the pain’ for breakfast…not so much for dinner! I usually get my money’s worth.
Speaking of buffets–anybody remember a chain called “Duff’s”? They had an enormous wheel of food that spun around from their kitchen, and if you weren’t right by the window where it came out, you usually didn’t fare very well. A lot of the broke college kids from Wright State would put away platefuls of fried chicken like they were going to the chair! Back then, it was only like 5 dollars, so you got a lot of bang for your buck! But you had to time your approach to the gigantic ‘roulette wheel of slop’ just right, or you wound up with stuff like harvard beets or lima beans! Good times.
RIP – Dusty Hill
You know what I’m talkin’ about.
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With Charlie Watts missing the US tour this fall, who will beat the shit out of Mick when his ego combusts?