Hello Surf Reporters! Before we get started on this questionable endeavor I want to remind you guys to please pass through one of our Amazon links before doing your holiday shopping this year. ‘Tis the season for continuous reminders. I don’t want to overstep here, but here’s an item that I believe would make a wonderful stocking stuffer. Really beautiful, and tasteful too. Grab two or three! You know, after you use one of our links.
Tomorrow is my birthday, which doesn’t mean a whole lot to me at this point. I mean, seriously. As Adam Carolla says, being born is not exactly a unique achievement. Even Hitler had a birthday. It was fun when I was a kid, of course, but at this point… the number just keeps getting higher and higher and I get closer and closer to a nervous breakdown. Sweet sainted mother of the Trivago Guy! How did I get so old, so fast?
In any case, Toney went out and bought me a birthday pie. I assumed it would be blueberry, since that’s my established “favorite,” but she went with coconut cream. Fine by me. My faves: blueberry, coconut cream, lemon meringue, chocolate cream. I also like many additional pies, but those four are automatics.
Popular pies I don’t really like: pecan and pumpkin.
I don’t really like pumpkin anything, to be honest, and I like it even less when it’s pronounced “punkin.” Fuck that trendy gourd! Back when I was still imbibing, I’d be amazed during this time of year by the number of people who pretended to shit themselves over the prospect of drinking pumpkin beer. Blecch. What’s wrong with beer flavored beer? I was never a fan of the novelty brews. They can ram their pumpkin beers deep and on a rightward slant.
But I haven’t had any alcohol whatsoever since mid-July. Crazy, huh? It’s coming up on six months now. The disappointing thing? I haven’t lost any weight. That’s probably because I’ve replaced the beer with all this pie. And ice cream. I’m on an ice cream kick too, especially this stuff. The All Natural version only. It’s more expensive, but holy shitballs is it good. I usually get the All Natural Homemade Vanilla, and pour an ultra-liberal amount (a Bernie serving) of Hershey’s syrup on top. Freaking great.
So yeah… I’m still fat. Fat and old, and getting older. But my liver is now processing new kinds of toxins! Hell yeah. Pass the Sam’s Club flat of strudel.
I need to go now. A new workday beckons with a gnarled devil claw.
If you have anything on pie — automatic favorites, least favorites, shit you’ve never tasted before and never will — please tell us about it in the comments. Also, what’s your feeling on birthdays at this point? Do you celebrate at all? What are your expectations? I literally have none, and I’m not kidding. I’m starting to freak out, man.
I’ll see you guys again soon.
Have a great day!
Support us by doing your shopping at Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you guys!
Joe T. says
About the only two pipes I wouldn’t at least try are lemon meringue and mincemeat.
“mincemeat” It’s mince pie season, and I’ve finished mine and need to get more. It’s vegetarian these days by the way, despite the name. It’s gloopy figgy pudding in a pie crust FFS, what’s not to love!!
Joe T. says
Enjoy it, but UHGG.
My favorites are chess, coconut chess, coconut chocolate chip, pecan, and key lime pie.
This is also the time of year where my nostalgia peaks and each new WVSR update has me hoping for an update on Eninen, the Translucents, Sunshine, & Mumbles, but it appears that season of life has ended. Jeff’s emotional health is bad for my entertainment.
I miss them like they’re my own twisted kin. we need updates and I still want a police sketch artists drawing
Lee Harvey Ramone says
I prefer a German chocolate cake over pie. Also, ‘Hillary Bitch’ in Arabic is ‘Hilari Alkulba’. Don’t yell that on a Delta flight, though. They are currently working that bit into their next preflight safety video I would imagine.
Miss Q says
Cherry pie is far and away my favorite, followed closely by peach, then blueberry. Then there’s coconut custard and coconut cream. I also really enjoy homemade pumpkin pie with my daughter’s homemade whipped cream on it. Oh.My.God. That stuff is good!
As far as birthdays go, I couldn’t really care less anymore. If someone else makes me dinner or takes me out to dinner, I’m freakin’ happy. Gifts, cards and phone calls are not required in the least. The next one up is the big 5-0, though, so I am expecting to be taken on a nice trip by Mr. Q. Lord help him if he doesn’t come through on that one. Lord help him…
Jim Britton says
Happy birthday, Jeff! I don’t care for pie, but cake is Kryptonite.
I couldn’t give two shits about birthdays. Anybody elses, or my own.
As a concerned long time thewvsr reader, eat your ice cream without any crap on it. That Hersheys stuff is great, but it is is a fucking sugar bomb and it is whats contributing to you not seeing any return on cutting out the alcohol.
My only delight at birthdays now is that each one brings me one year closer to retiring. I look to be about 3 birthdays away now, so each one is welcomed. Also don’t mind any free drinks that may find their way into my gullet due to the occasion.
Definitely pie. There is no such thing as bad pie, just that some pies are better than others and many are my favorites. If you have a chance, try a Concord grape pie ala upstate New York.
Birthdays…when someone says, “60 is the new 40,” it is bullshit. It’s usually made by a post-adolescent doofus repeating something he read in a People magazine. I felt a lot better when I was 40, especially in the morning.
Kicking booze is good. Fewer recycleables and better breath…it’s all good! Nothing can screw you up faster than alcohol, tobacco and firearms…that’s probably why they have their own federal department.
Just to clarify, it’s now the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives: just in case you’re puffing on a Marlboro, quaffing a Yuengling, and aiming your Glock at a container of nitroglycerin. Think before you squeeze. That’s good advice for almost any occasion.
I don’t much care for fruit or berry pies. The cream-type pies are all good if they have a substantial graham cracker crust that’s not too sweet.
Happy birfday, Jeff!
My most recent birfday present was getting laid off. Not bitter, but I miss (some of) the (not-upper-management) people. I do miss that place in spite of everything.
Pie: Not normally a huge fan, but anything custard-like is a contender. Especially, for example, a lemon tart (hold the meringue). Or a fully-homemade chocolate cream pie.
The big pie thing for me is that my mom used to make a thing she called Black Pie. It was a single-crust pie with a smooth, dense, gelatinous filling that was nearly black, with a crackly brownie-like glaze on top when it came out of the oven. This might be a Texas thing, and my research indicates that it might be a variant of chess pie. For decades, Mom has steadfastly refused to divulge the recipe. She says that it goes to the oldest girl in the family. I’m not a girl, but my 9-year-old niece is; one can but hope. I would hate to see this disappear. Mom is 81 years old and kind of frail these days.
Men don’t care about birthdays and such, but women do, despite pretending not to. Flavored anything sucks: beer, coffee, cigars, milk. Around here, they start selling pumpkin beer at the beginning of August. This has got to stop. We need a constitutional amendment or something.
I don’t care about my birthday, but my son is young enough to get excited for both of us, so it kind of gets acknowledged these days. I like pie OK, even pumpkin (no to pecan), but will opt for cake if it’s available.
As for pumpkin-anything else: No thanks.
You’re making me divulge too much information about myself. Cuss you, Mr. Surf Report.
And Birthday Cheer to ya!!!
I’ve been lurking on this site for years, but only now felt inspired enough to comment. I checked out the amazon purchase suggestion link, and while the item was lovely, I was far more intrigued by what I saw below in the “customers who viewed this also viewed” and I swear to god this was one of them. I had to share because it’s just so weird, and I would be curious to meet the person who viewed both items: https://www.amazon.com/DECTER-year-realistic-child-mannequins/dp/B00AKP11O4/ref=pd_srecs_cs_197_6?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=JAE5WMXDR8B93F42S3A7
Holy shit is that creepy.
I hate to be a racist asshole but was your first though “Asian”?
My first reaction was pedophile.
I also scrolled down and saw that “Decter”. I just don’t want to know. The reviews for the bracelet are funny, too.
Rich perv indeed. But note the bracelet came with free shipping, always a selling point.
Great, I clicked the link, and now I’ll have ads for weird mannequins following me around now!
I need Shoneys strawberry pie. The Big Boy restaurants went the way of white dog shit.
I like fruit filled pies. And cream pies. Blueberry and cherry are top picks but I’d try anything.
The only birthdays that need to be acknowledged should end in a 0 or 5. Until about 85 when you can start racking them up one by one. At that point every one seems crucial. “Holy crap! Uncle Merlin just hit 88!”
Happy Birthday, Jeff. Yes, it’s another trip around the sun but the day is what you make of it. A glass of wine and a nice dinner. Yes!
As for pies – apple and strawberry (in season) – all the rest, meh. Pumpkin is my least favorite. I just don’t get the fascination with all things “pumpkin” this time of year. Oh, and add a scoop of vanilla ice cream to the apple pie!
Pie should have fruit in it, and a top and bottom crust, in my opinion. I don’t, and never have, liked anything called “pie” that consisted of some kind of mush in a bottom crust. Except that one slice of pecan pie is alright about once a year, but the only good pecan pies seem to be the ones found being sold by morbidly obese black women at Baptist church bake sales.
And as for birthdays, this was the first year in over 30 years I didn’t work on my birthday. Nothing special to me, although my wife always gives me a card commemorating the event. On her birthday I give her two cards, because we got married on her birthday. Just in case I forget, that way I only get in trouble once.
I quit drinking almost 29 years ago. I, too, thought I’d lose weight. But the alcohol simply got replaced by ice cream. Then cookies. Sometimes fruit filled pies.
I’ve never understood birthdays. I knew I got presents for it when I was a kid but I didn’t know what I did to get the presents. The only thing I ever want for my birthday is the same thing I want every other day of the year, to be left alone.
I have never met a pie I didn’t like. Peach pie, pecan pie, meat pie, tomato pie, cream pie…
My favorites are probably pecan, peach, and apple.
Anybody who doesn’t like pecan pie is wrong and their family should be ashamed of them.
Cobbler’s are also good. I like a dense berry cobbler whenever I can get one. Man, I’m gonna have pie for dinner.
Phil Jett says
My daughter made apple pie for Thanksgiving. For the crusts she used Grands Cinnamon Rolls that she rolled flat and put together to make a top and bottom crust. Best fucking apple pie ever!
Dare to be fat. Fat is where it’s at!
RIP Root Boy.
I can do without the birthdays too much crap involved. I like a good Dutch apple pie or a plain rhubarb, I’ll take a strawberry/rhubarb in a pinch.
I prefer pie for my birthday after a nice dinner out. I make spectacular pies with homemade crust. Love peach, rhubarb, apple, cherry, lemon meringue and chocolate cream. Detest French silk. I make a pineapple pie and when you top it with a scoop of chocolate ice cream … it’s heavenly. And pie for breakfast is the best. And don’t forget chicken pot pie with a top and bottom crust.
Damn. All my underwear is French silk.
Franky T says
Best Pie: Hair
As a late November birthday girl who occasionally shared her birthday with Thanksgiving… not a big pie fan. But I especially loath pumpkin… I don’t understand it and I detest ‘pumpkin pie spice’ anything. I think that Pumpkin beer, coffee, donuts, etc. are the devil’s playthings. I have come to hate the fall because every food I like will be contaminated with Pumpkin spice…..
Don’t like pecan nor Shoo Fly pie either.
The Best Turkey Hill Ice Cream is this one https://www.turkeyhill.com/frozen/ice-cream/premium-ice-cream/deep-dark-chocolate. It is so delectable that you have to eat it in a cone so you don’t miss a drop.