I’m working a lot of hours, and things are becoming a bit erratic. Sorry. I missed yesterday’s email dispatch, and that can’t happen again. Plus, today’s update is going to be as abbreviated as Paul Simon’s wiener. I’m basing that on an old lady groupie I heard on the radio years ago, by the way. She said Paul Simon and David Lee Roth have tiny wieners, and Huey Lewis is the Milton Berle of rock, or somesuch.
Anyway, since I’m logging so much time at work, I’ve been listening to a ton of podcasts, and old time radio shows. On the podcast front, I’ve recently added Julie Klausner to the lineup. Many of the popular shows irritate me (I can provide a list of the ones that bug the crap out of me, if you send a SASE), but Klausner hits the spot. She’s funny and smart, and not annoying. So, there you go.
Here are the podcasts I never miss: Adam Carolla, Marc Maron, The Best Show (Tom Scharpling), This American Life, and now Julie Klausner. I sometimes listen to Greg Fitzsimmons, Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, and The Sound of Young America, as well. But those are kinda hit-and-miss.
I also love old time radio. Especially the crime shows, like Dragnet, and Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar. Recently I’ve started downloading another one called This is Your FBI. It’s not the greatest, but it’s not bad. And it provided the inspiration for our Question of the Day…
During the crime investigation phases of these shows, the cops or private eyes always interview a lot of people. Usually the interviewees are very casual, and just continue to do whatever they were doing when the freaking FBI showed up. This still happens on Law & Order and those kinds of programs. High level cops walk in and begin throwing questions around, and the guy just keeps on building the bookcase or whatever. I don’t think I’d react that way. I believe I’d give them my full attention. Ya know?
But I’m getting off-track… Some of the questions the investigators ask seem pretty difficult to me, while others are ridiculously general. I always like to pretend they’re asking me the questions, and I try to answer them, truthfully. Yeah, I’m both bored and weird. What of it?
So, today I’d like to invite you to answer three old time radio-style crime investigation questions. Use the comment link below, and feel free to just casually continue doing your laundry, or changing your oil, or whatever you were doing when my partner and I walked in.
Here you go:
1) Do you have any enemies? If so, tell us about it.
2) What were you doing at 7 pm on Thursday, November 24? Please be specific.
3) Do you know anyone named Mike? If so, tell us about your relationship to him, and what kind of person he is.
And now I’m going to work, for an eleven-hour extravaganza of pure joy. I’ll be back tomorrow with more of this quality entertainment.
See ya then.
Now playing in the bunker
Do your holiday shopping at Amazon: US and Canada
First? Maybe? Or at least top ten?
Yep. Looks that way.
Do I have enemies? I am a Union steward. That I have enemies on both sides of the labor/management divide goes with the territory. management doesn’t like it when i win, and the whiners I am supposed to represent hate it equally when I tell them it might be a good idea to shut the fuck up and do their job for a change. And those are just the enemies at work. As a died-in-the-wool misanthrope I hate most of humanity, and have no doubt most of humanity holds me in much the same regard.
What was I doing at 7PM on 11/24? Always wanted to be asked that question by some jackass in some official capacity. I’d have to answer that question with a question. What, sir or madam, were you doing on the early evening of February 31, 2004?
Do I know anybody named Mike? See # 1 above.
Do I have any enemies? Not that you know of….
What was I doing at 7 pm on 11/24? watching West Wing
Do I know anybody named Mike? Lots of them–all friends–went to school with three of them, worked with the rest at one time or another.
1) Anyone who’s met me.
2) I was doing yo mama. (Followed quickly by, “Ouch, these handcuffs are really tight.)
3) Mike? Yeah, I know him. You should see the shit he’s got on his computer!
1) Do you have any enemies? If so, tell us about it.
Well, let’s just say I had to learn how to sleep with one eye open.
2) What were you doing at 7 pm on Thursday, November 24? Please be specific.
Drinking, Heavily. And dancing to Paul Simon’s “Kodachrome”. I think some pointing and laughing went on.
3) Do you know anyone named Mike? If so, tell us about your relationship to him, and what kind of person he is.
Mike? ou would think an unusual nam like that would stand out. Nope, don’t know any Mike’s. I DID know an odd fellow but his name was Michael.
Kodachrome!!!!! I listened to that about 10 times at work a few days ago, playing air guitar the entire time!
1. There are some people I dislike. And I’m sure there are some people who dislike me. But “enemies.” No, not that I’m aware of.
2. I don’t remember. But if I had to guess, I would say sitting on my living-room loveseat, reading a book and listening to music. Which book? I’m not sure. I can narrow it down to two or three, but can’t give you a definitive answer. Can’t pin down what music I was listening to, either.
3. I’ve known many, many Mikes over the years, as most people have, I’m sure. These days, I don’t think I’m close to anyone named Mike. But I’ll tell you about a Mike that I’ll be having a business dinner with next week. He lives in Connecticut, is married with a couple of kids, and works in the insurance industry. Whenever he comes to Philadelphia, he stays at the Bellevue hotel. We generally go to a high-end restaurant when he’s in town, ostensibly to talk business, but in reality just to spend a few hundred dollars on top-shelf cuisine and expensive wine, on his company credit card.
Any other questions? You’re welcome.
1) Do I have any enemas? No, I used the last one just before my colonoscopy
2) 7PM 11/24? Turkey and scotch coma
3) Mike, yeah I know Mike. That fucker still owes me $40
They always have follow up questions, so I tried to answer them as well.
1) Enemies, none I’m aware of. No, never been married, so no ex wives. No, I don’t believe I’ve spurned a lover in fifteen years.
2) I was with my neighbor and his son in law, drinking Red Stag on the rocks in his garage. Yes my neighbors garage, not his son in laws. No they were drinking beer, I was the only one drinking Red Stag. Yes, that’s right, on the rocks.
3) My brothers name is Mike, he’s a good guy. Thanksgiving, he had me over for dinner. Yes, that’s were I was before I went to the neighbors.
Uncle Mike. Great guy. He was always there to loan me money or bail me out during my “Dipshit Years”.
1. I work in academics. I work with a department full of former nerds with something to prove – Enemies are part of the job description.
2. I think I was washing the pans from dinner. Nothing exciting to report there.
3. My Mom’s ex boyfriend’s name was Mike. He was really large and partial to plaid cowboy shirts.
Enemies? Welp, if that includes the chick my boyfriend was dating before me…the one I drug through the bar by her hair and stomped on her neck because she kept running her dicklicker and followed my boyfriend in the bathroom? Could be. Could be not.
My where abouts 7PM, Nov. 24? On our way home from my boyfriend’s sister’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.
Mike’s? Yes. My boyfriend is Mike. Well…Michael to most. Guys at his work call him Mike. Great guy, would give you the shirt off his back, hard worker, fun, adorable, hung, love him to death.
I have made more enemies in my lifetime than I have made dookies. Usually anyone I meet is immediately my enemy. They have to earn the feat of getting on the non-enemy list. This can be done with the bribery of money or food. Or helping me fix my car.
At 7PM on 11/24, I was sitting around a fire in mom in law’s (Sandra Bullock) backyard with my two hot sister in laws and their boyfriends, Ken and Grizzly Adams. I like Grizzly, but Ken is still on the enemies list, cause he looks like Malibu Ken.
Known many Mikes. Mostly they are on the enemies list lately, but one Mike I like is a 350 pound Chinese/Black Mike that has sleep apnea. We can be sitting at a Ray’s game and he falls asleep during it
Cutie Pie in the Bunker Cam pic has a really pointy weiner.
I wonder if one of them is named Mike.
I don’t know – pointy dick? It kinda looks like a pointy turd that would leave you with a bloody sphincter.
And yes, I know it’s in the front but it could have happened during some weird “I don’t want to get my cotton tail dirty” wiping incident.
1. No enemies that I know of
2. Standing around fire barrel at deer camp
3. Got a cousin named Mike. He’s a hoot! Always has a rib splitting story.
Just that obama guy. You know he ain’t even american? He’s some sort of singapore. I’d be a cold day in hell before I vote for a singapore. I’d vote for a mexican, but this country is already going green and that would just be the nail in the coffee.
Thursday the 24th? Yeah, I was watchin’ my uncle sing jack the knife down at the local bar. Locker Room I believe it was called. I got felt up by a big tittied girl who said she did it on a dare. I dared her to suck the cum out of my balls and her boyfriend dared to punch me in the eye.
Mike, mike my brother? Yeah I know that fucker. Lil’ dipshit owes me fifty bucks. Or do you mean big mike, the painter? That guy contracted with me to do some tasteful nudes. He actually said tasting nudes. So there’s a whole series of me licking naked dudes but I made enough money to get the pontiac out of impound, so win win, eh?
Yea, The Locker Room is a trouble spot. It’s frequently mentioned in the paper for fights, people getting into trouble, etc. Just all kinds of shit all the time.
I’m currently listening to marc maron. I have adam corrolla on the ipod but haven’t listened yet.
Also listen to The Moth (NPR) and some DIY stuff for Make magazine and DIYdrones (Nerd stuff).
Also some a friend of mine does Not Another Damn Podcast. I don’t love it, but don’t hate it.
1. Define the level of enemy. Somebody who’d hire a sniper to take me out, somebody just willing to mow me down with their car if they see me walking down the street, or somebody who’d ask me to step outside?
2.I don’t even remember what I was doing last night at 7pm. Hell I couldn’t even tell you where or what I was doing at noon today.
3.Mike? You are kidding me right? I work with two, I’m related to some Mikes. I encounter at least one ‘mike’ during my work day seeing as how I’m on the road. File any reports on any John Does ya FBI big shot?
Ya, I’d be up the creek without a paddle if I ever became the attention of some investigation.
I have enemies around the world. Some who probably actually want me dead. Most just don’t want to ever have to deal with me. I’ve gotten some people killed and I’ve also ruined peoples careers. It’s pretty easy to make enemies when you actually are right all the damn time.
7 pm on the 24th…spankin’ it. To big titty porn. Probably Gianna or Daphne, maybe both.
I know a couple of Mike’s. Like most people I know, the majority of Mike’s in my list are douche bags.
My only enemy is a guy named Mike I met on 11/24… around 7pm.
1. None that I know of.
2. Experiencing an assplosion caused by Thanksgiving dinner 6 hours before.
3. One of my brothers is named Mike.
no enemies
at 7pm i was back home, in my jammies on the couch reading the site.. then I got Big Blue out of the drawer and ….oh maybe i said too much
Mike=ex husband
1) Enemy = My psycho ex-boyfriend who happens to be a con-artist, liar, cheater AND pedophile. He has many enemies, though…This surprises you, how?
2) November 24th at 7:00 PM I was at home with my sweetheart, after enjoying Thanksgiving dinner at his parents house.
3) (I hate saying this, but its true…) Every Mike I have ever known has been an asshole. Mike, my sister’s boyfriend, Mike my old boss, Mike the bookstore owner…the list goes on and on…Unfortunate, as I am certain there is a Mike out there that is nice. (And no, the ex-boyfriend’s name was not Mike).
Without reading anyone else’s responses, here are mine:
1) Do you have any enemies? If so, tell us about it.
None that I am aware of. That’s not to say I don’t have any – just that I don’t really give a damn.
2) What were you doing at 7 pm on Thursday, November 24? Please be specific.
I have absolutely no clue without checking work logs or other sources. Fortunately, I have no reason to require an alabi on any given day.
3) Do you know anyone named Mike? If so, tell us about your relationship to him, and what kind of person he is.
You can’t swing a dead cat by its tail without striking someone named Mike. Right off the bat I know several Mikes – Blue-eyed Mike, Neighbor Mike, Scruffy Mike, 10 Second Mike, Padre Mike… they get nicknames in order to tell them apart.
1) my number one enemy is a fruitcake named Mike
2) I was burying a fruitcake in my backyard
3) mike? What was the first question again?
Enemies? Sure, Huey Lewis is jealous of me and has sworn vengence. And some asshole named Johnny Dollar keeps asking me personal quesions and he’s starting to get up my sleeve. If I hurt him, I assume he’ll be an enemy.
Glad you didn’t ask me about 8:00 pm, because then I was snorting coke off a pair of 38 specials. At 7:00, I believe I was trying to console Paul Simon.
Mike? Sure, one of my close friends is Mike Hunt. Anything I don’t tell you about, you should come back and try to get the dirt out of Mike Hunt.
,
yours in Christ,
jtb
Have a Blessed evening.
1) Just two. The state and the public.
2) I don’t remember exactly what I was doing at 7 that night. I just know I was thankful, and kinda drunk and a bit woozy. And then I murdered someone, I remember that… dunno. Dunno. Weird.
3) I’ve known many Mikes, some great guys, a few pussies, and one or two wastels. If any of you guys knows Michael McDonald, he of the burry baritone, please atomic donkey stomp his nuts for me.
Okay, speaking of enemies, I made a new one at the store a few minutes ago. I was buying some beers, approaching the counter from more or less a diagonal. I saw a young woman enter from the front door, heading right to the cashier and she had a direct line to the counter from the other direction. Wanted some cigs, I guess.
I don’t know what happened, or why. I can’t splain it. My body just took over. I double-timed my walk so that I arrived at the counter about three steps ahead of her. I don’t know why I did it, I just did it. I was like an out of control three year old who needed to pee.
I glanced at her, and she looked at me like, “no fucking way you just did that.” I looked back at her totally like, “I know, right?” It was awkward. I thought about offering her a chance to go first- I had a lot of beers to buy- but I didn’t because a) that would be giving in to the awkward, b) fuck her random ass, and c) I did get there first even if I had to funny jog to do it.
Anyway, I guess I thought it was pretty funny, after a while. I’m sure she thought I was a dick. Good times.
Huey Lewis – wow, I was just listening to him on CD with, who else, Tower of Power. In the liner notes, they (Emilio anyway) credit him with saving ToP’s career.
And do the kids today know what a SASE is?
There is a radio station here that plays three or four hours of old time radio on Sunday nights, so I’m familiar with most of the shows mentioned. Johnny Dollar is a good show, but it can be inadvertently funny – he says out loud his expense report items, like “Airfare, New York to LA, $65”. And while I generally don’t care for Westerns, I have to say Gunsmoke is really an excellent show. That’s some first-class writing, acting and production there.
To the questions:
1) Do you have any enemies? If so, tell us about it.
– none that I’m aware of, but if they are competent enemies I wouldn’t know.
2) What were you doing at 7 pm on Thursday, November 24? Please be specific.
– That was Thanksgiving. I was at the XGF’s sister’s place (with the XGF) and we were getting ready to leave about then.
3) Do you know anyone named Mike? If so, tell us about your relationship to him, and what kind of person he is.
– I know lots of guys named Mike. Which one are you interested in?
.
1. I work in construction. Most people in my immediate vicinity are enemies. For today, anyway. They’re sure to be co-workers tomorrow.
2. Warming up in front of a fireplace after being dumb enough to walk outside without a parka and fur lined boots.
3. Mike is one of my current co-workers. See #1.
Enemies? Many.
T-day 7pm? giving a spectacular blowj never mind.
Mike? My cousin, captain of the U.S Olympic ‘Extreme Douchebaggery’ team.
1) Do you have any enemies?
I manage a number of rental properties and have several thousand tenants, so yes, I have several thousand enemies. Thanks for asking.
2) What were you doing at 7 pm on Thursday, November 24? Please be specific.
Thursday is “nerd night”. My friends come over and we play Dungeons and Dragons (that’s completely true btw – I’m a huge nerd). At 7pm we were eating pizza and arguing about how much the upcoming remake of Starship Troopers will suck. I recall the conversation distinctly because one member of the group was completely ignorant of the fact that the original movie was simply brimming with fascist imagery, a fact that forced me to suppress a desire to punch him in the throat.
3) Do you know anyone named Mike? If so, tell us about your relationship to him, and what kind of person he is.
My boss is named Mike. So is my first son, an old labmate that I still keep in touch with, one of my maintenance guys, and probably several hundred of the aforementioned tenants so you’ll have to be more specific.
I have a new enemy, the person who decided that a remake of Starship Troopers was a good idea. I like the original, it’s so over the top in satire and camp and gore that it is fun. By all means, make a good sequel – but this reboot craze is getting out of control.
I do think it’s been long enough to touch Superman (1978), perhaps Hollywood should self impose a thirty year rule for reboots?
When I first started at my present employer, 10% of the company was named Mike.
Thanks for listening.
.
No enemies.
Sicker than a dog and missed Thanksgiving dinner the next day.
Two Mikes, one a cool uncle, and the other a nephew who is a war hero, and almost a mirror image of me for mischief.
I’ve always been puzzled by the “where were you on” question. I mean, who the fuck knows? Unless the time asked about happens to fall within someone’s regular work schedule, how the hell would they know? Who keeps a minute by minute like that? I don’t.
If they ever come in to question me, they’ll have my full attention. Mostly because I know that I’ll be shit at providing an alabi. Was I in Boston on March 3rd? Fuck if I know. I want my attorney.
“This American life,”
(big pause, mumbles)
I’m Ira Glass.”
(another dramatic hipster pause)
Each week we chose a theme and bring you a number of stories on that theme….”
He’s the only radio celebrity I’ve ever heard that mumbles, trails off, talks with in an inconsistent pitch and tone. In all, the worst possible voice to be hosting a radio show. Yet it’s riveting and for years now I haven’t missed a single one. The secret hipster and the news nerd in me get together for a one hour date each week. Also, for the record, Sarah Vowell has the cutest-sexiest voice in all of radio.
The questions?
I’d be the dude who, at the first hint of the first sentence that sounded at all like a question, would inexplicably bust out running. After I’d jumped some fences, ran across a highway or two, and maybe jumped into a dumpster from the third floor of a warehouse they’d catch me and drag me in. Wet, torn and filthy with trash, they plop me down in the interrogation room and stand in my face shouting, “now, just tell us why you ran from us boy, and everything else will be easy for ya.”
And I’d say, “Ran from you, of course, I thought we were playing tag?”
Jeff, you need to listen to the Uhhhh Yeah Dude podcast. i swear it’s funny as hell, im positive their style will be right up your alley. do yourself a favor and check it out. when i discovered it i went through the whole series from the beginning it’s funny stuff.
Here is a little sample segment from a part of the show where they read crazy Craigslist ads they have found check it out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbgVFy41reM&feature=related
1) Do you have any enemies? If so, tell us about it.
I didn’t think I really had any legitimate enemies until the “Troll” appeared in my life. I don’t know who this person is but they found my now-extinct blog and proceeded to harass me for well over a year. At first it was funny, mainly because they were just uptight with a lot of the things I wrote, so I continued to write in spite of their emails and occasional comments.
Then they started to say they knew where I lived and made comments that my children would be better off dead than with a whore like me, etc. That’s when I felt it was necessary to close my blog and stop blogging publicly. (at least so people wouldn’t know it’s me).
I can take hateful comments and I can respect that not everyone is going to enjoy my particular type of writing, but when there are threats and my family is brought into it, it’s not worth it.
2) What were you doing at 7 pm on Thursday, November 24? Please be specific.
I was laying in bed with my amazing, adorable, sexy husband watching “The Night Stalker” series on DVD. We’d planned to go to bed early and have a wee bit of a cuddle, but the thought of pressing anything on our overly full bellies was frightening. I’ve never thrown up during sex and I don’t plan to.
3) Do you know anyone named Mike? If so, tell us about your relationship to him, and what kind of person he is.
I know a “Mike” and he is a overbearing, controlling, conservative right-wing nut. He accused me of “witchcraft” (and he was serious) because I wore too many silver rings and everyone liked me. Obviously, I must have been casting spells on them. Anyway, I turned him into a frog. HAHAHAHA!
No, actually he ended up embarrassing himself publicly and avoids me like the plague. I really do wish I could turn him into something. Maybe a shitball on the hind end of a grizzly…
Phish sucks.
http://www.livemusicblog.com/2010/08/02/video-what-phish-sounds-like-to-people-that-dont-like-phish/
1) I don’t talk to cops.
2) see above
3) see above