After I bought my new laptop computer a few months ago, I predicted it would create a slippery slope and I’d start feeling the urge to also replace my desktop. And my prediction proved to be correct.
I found myself being drawn to the computer section at Sam’s (especially Sam’s for some reason), and standing in front of the machines giggling with wild excitement. All that RAM, all that hard drive space, the incredible processors… It’s a wonder I didn’t just whip it out.
My desktop now seems ancient to me. Internet Explorer gobbles-up my resources like a fat boy at a pie festival (I’ve switched to Firefox and that helped a little), and when Carbonite is doing its back-ups, I may as well just go fix myself a sandwich. ‘Cause nothing is going to be happening on that clickin’ and clackin’ computer for a while.
To be fair, however, it’s not nearly as bad as my old laptop. That thing was useless. My current home computer isn’t useless, just nowhere as slick and kick-ass as my new laptop. And when it comes to computers, I prefer slick and kick-ass.
So, I’ve been toying with the idea of buying a new one. But it’s only the beginning stages of the illness, and it usually drags out for months, if not years. Yesterday, however, I threw everything into a state of disarray…
One of the Well-Known Electronics Chains advertised a Dell with 6(!) gigs of RAM, a 640 gigabyte hard drive, an Intel quad-core processor, and a 19-inch flat screen monitor – for a very agreeable price. I showed the ad to Toney, and tossed the circular aside.Then I returned to it, over and over again, which is never a good sign. And on the front of the advertising section I noticed something I hadn’t before: 18 months same as cash, on all purchases over $699. Damn! A good deal made even better.
I didn’t have an account with that particular store, so I applied online. And after I was approved the screen told me I could start shopping immediately. Just print out the acceptance page, it said, go to one of our stores, and knock yourself out.
So Toney and I drove over there. “Is this nuts?” I kept asking her. “Not for eighteen months, no interest,” she kept assuring me. “But is it nuts?” I’d say, starting the conversation-loop all over again.
We parked and went inside, and found the computer within minutes. Oh God, it was a thing of beauty; I nearly wept. We stood and admired it, waiting for one of the vultures/sales people to swoop down.
And nobody came. It was still fairly early, and the store wasn’t exactly slammed with customers. But the staff left us alone, which is the exact opposite of what happens when I’m just browsing in that joint.
I sighed, and went in search of someone willing to help us. And the first guy shoved us off to someone else, a girl with no enthusiasm for any of it. I told her what I wanted, gave her the printout from their website, and she scurried away.
Then: “Um, my manager says you can’t use this thing you printed? Um, he says you have to wait for the actual credit card to arrive in the mail?”
I knew it! Every time I go to that store, something happens to make my crazy. It never fails, and that’s not an exaggeration. “Your website says the exact opposite of what your manager is saying,” I told her, trying to keep my cool.
“Well, um, he says you can’t use this piece of paper? He says you have to wait for the, you know, actual card to come in the mail?”
“Why is something else stated on the website?” We were already repeating ourselves.
“Um, I don’t know? But maybe you could go talk to him, and he could explain it?”
Go talk to him? I don’t think so. He can come over here, and talk to me. But I’m not approaching the throne of some ass-faced twenty year old ball-pouch who thinks he’s a captain of industry.
“Forget it,” I said, and snatched the paper away. “I’ll just go somewhere else, where they actually want to sell computers to people.”
“OK?” she said, not giving a coal-black seahorse, one way or the other.
As we drove home I had rockets of steam blasting from my ears, and the profanity was being manufactured at such a pace, it started to pile up inside the car. And that’s the way I’ve left that store, many times. But what to do, since their main competitor is even worse?! What is it about big-box electronics stores? They make me insane.
I still wanted that computer, though. So I called their 800 number, and asked if I could order the thing online and still get the 18 months of free financing. “No,” was the very helpful and friendly answer. And isn’t that simply fantastic?
After I ranted and raved, and was moved further up the food chain, I finally found someone interested in helping me. She said she’d waive the finance charges for eighteen months, and gave me a name and reference number, in case there’s a problem.
However… I’d have to pay sixty dollars(!) for the computer to be shipped to our house. Sixty bucks!! No way, I said. So she suggested I pick it up at the store, for free.
“Will they give me a bunch of crap, because I don’t have the credit card yet?”
“They shouldn’t, sir.”
“I know they shouldn’t, but that doesn’t really answer the question.”
So, long story a little less long… I now have that kick-ass NASA computer; it’s currently in the fambly room, just a few feet away from me. I probably won’t have time to set it up until Friday or Saturday, but just the sight of those boxes makes my nipples explode with delight.
But how much you want to bet I have many, many hassles with the financing? Anyone care to take that bet? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
I’ll leave you now with an assignment… A guy at work has his cell phone programmed so a different song plays, for every person on his contact list. If his mother calls, it plays a certain song, if his girlfriend calls, it plays another song, etc. Pretty slick.
So, I was wondering: what songs should my phone play if the following family members would happen to call me?
Sunshine
Mumbles
Nancy
Nossy
The Translucents
Help me out, won’t you? The see-thrus don’t have a phone, of course, but I’d like to prepare for the future.
And what do you guys think about new Surf Report t-shirts? Any opinions on that? Any interest in it, or is it too soon? Any color preferences, etc.? Also, if any of you are graphic artists and would be interested in maybe helping with the design, send me an email. I think it’s high time for a change.
And this concludes your Monday update.
I’ll see ya tomorrow.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2nd 2nd 2nd!!! holy moly!
For Sunny, Mumbles, Nancy & Nossy, why don’t you just turn the ringer off? It’s not like you want to talk to them and even if you have to, thew news is never good. Out of site, out of mind my friend! Silence is golden.
Gotta hate the soulless big boxes.
I’d do another t-shirt. Christmas is just around the corner, you know. Keep it simple- black, white.
Top ten. Yessir.
woa.. i’ve never been in the top 10 before.. sweet!
Howdy doody!
Wow that is Corporal Egarn and St. O Rourke with a fuckawie prisoner in the bunker cam… As I live and breath…
My cell phone has only two rings. A normal ring and then a special ring for everyone I hate. The special ring for people I hate comes from a commercial which I also hate:
“F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com bay-bee.”
for each of them, some form of a song with “Crazy” in the title…
definitely “Crazy Bitch” by Buck Cherry for Nancy
Sunshine – Cream – “Sunshine of your Love”
Mumbles – Simon and Garfunkle – “The Boxer” -….for a pocket full of mubles such are promises
Nancy – Helen Reddy – “I am Woman”
Nossy – Harry Belafonte – “Day-O, the Banana Boat song”
The Translucents – Who – “The Real Me” …..can you see the real me……
Hiddy- Ho!
Sunshine….Granny won’t you smoke some Marijuana by John Hartford
Mumbles…Changes by David Bowie
Nancy….Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue by Toby Keith
Nossy…I Want to be Sedated by The Ramones
Translucents….Twisted Nerve by Bernard Herrmann
sunshine – something klezmer
mumbles – something dylan
nancy – age of aquarius
nossy – brahm’s lullaby
the translucents – bang your head (mental health)
I know we went through this last time – but any thoughts on doing a long sleeve this time?
Sunshine…”Somebody’s Watchin’ Me” Rockwell
Mumbles….”Wooly Bully”
Nancy…..”American Woman”
Nostrils…”You Don’t Own Me” the Klaus Nomi version
The Translucents….”I Don’t Like Mondays”
For the No-See Ums I was thinking of the Replacements “Bastards of Young”
Yeah, that computer store story was something like the lack of brain power I once experienced at Jiffy Lube.
Took my van in for an oil change, lube job. After a few minutes this strange little guy who is doing the work on my van comes in showing me this print out telling my my vehicle was at the mileage where the transmission fluid needed changed.
I said “oh really? How do you know that?” He shows me this Jiffy Lube print out they generated. It said a van at that mileage needs the transmission fluid changed IF YOU USE THE VEHICLE TO PUSH SNOW.
I tell the guy I don’t push snow with it. He points at the sentence telling me I need it changed. I tell him again I don’t push snow with it. He points again at the same sentence telling me changing the transmission fluid is recommended. I point to the sentence that says IF YOU PUSH SNOW. He stands there grinning at me expectantly like I must have seen my error and will be telling him to go ahead and do it. (At this point I think I am dealing with Andy Kaufman who knows only two words of english.) Finally, I just say NO. No? That’s right dork. No. It’s one of the 2 words you must have learned in the english language.
Whew. Never been back.
I vote for long sleeves as well with winter coming.
You could use the Addams Family theme song for any of them.
I’d get a shirt if you change the design. I have one from a couple of years ago, so I wouldn’t need one that looks exactly the same.
Sunshine – Everybody Must Get Stoned (I know that is not the real title of the song, I am reaching out to the non-Dylan fans out there)
Mumbles – More Than A Feeling
Nancy – Coming to America (Neil Diamond)
Nostrils – When I Think About You, I Touch Myself
Translucents – I Wanna Be Sedated
I’m a graphic artist, but Jeff, what do you wanna change? That smoking fish…it’s like the Nike Swoosh. I wouldn’t feel right messin’ with it.
I’d be interested in purchasing a WVSR shirt if you’ll do one in white or maybe olive green. I don’t wanna sound like a fancy lad, but I’ve got too many black T-shirts.
Ringtones: Sunshine: “Mother In Law” ( may seem kind of boring but its a pretty funny oldie ) Mumbles: Some Dylan seems appropriate. Nancy: “O Canada”. Nossy: Something with a Pirate feel – – maybe theme music to “Pirates Of The Carribean”. Translucents: Well, there’s Talking Heads “Psycho Killer” for the Lego-holic …
I’m betting you won’t want “Sharp Dressed Man” for Nossy.
the translucents- sunshine on my shoulders by john denver
nostrils- cocaine by clapton
mumbles-anything by michael mcdonald (considering he has the damn mic down his throat when he sngs and you cant understand a word of it)
i agree with matt addams family for the others
Sunshine – Build Me Up Buttercup (The Goops)
And hitting the Nail on the Head was Bill, just Bill’s suggestion:
Nostrils – When I Think About You, I Touch Myself
I’d love another t-shirt, since Dave in Seattle seems to think he owns the one we have. I vote for short sleeved – white or olive.
I think I can even stay with one artist for the tune selection: Paul Simon
Sunshine – “Kodachrome”
Mumbles – “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”
Nancy – “Mrs. Robinson”
Nossy – “You Can Call Me Al”
The Translucents – “Scarborough Fair”
OK, now for some Hendricks
Sunshine – “Purple haze”
Mumbles – “Hey Joe”
Nancy – “The Wind Cries Mary”
Nossy – “Crosstown Traffic”
The Translucents – “Voodoo Child ”
I’m no audiophile, so I’ll just read the comments and think “yeah, that’s a good one”.
But as to t-shirts- it just so happens that I wear t-shirts. And my shirt was damaged in a SCUBA related mishap, so I have been waiting expectantly for the next release.
As long as it’s extra large, sign me up.
Sunshine – “Psycho Killer” – Talking Heads
Mumbles – “Pusher Man” – Curtis Mayfield
Nancy – “Nightmare Hippy Girl” – Beck
Nossy – “Morning Bell” – Radiohead
Translucents – something by Nirvana that has a lot of screaming in it.
Why do you need both a desktop and a laptop computer?
OK, because you asked, Pink Floyd
Sunshine – “Brain Damage”
Mumbles – “Run Like Hell”
Nancy – “Shine On You Crazy Diamond”
Nossy – “Sysyphus”
The Translucents – “Comfortably Numb”
Damn it, Jeff, why are you buying things on credit? If you can’t afford the computer, then you shouldn’t be buying it in the first place.
Go return the damned thing. You don’t need it anyway. Save some money, and buy a new one when you have the cash in hand. By then you’ll get a better machine for the price anyway.
Funny thing — I’ve never had a problem with the financing when I’ve paid cash.
(Well, technically I pay with a credit card that gets paid off every month. I like the points.)
You giving prizes to the best suggestions, Jeff?
Sunshine – Very obvious…”Walking on Sunshine”
Mumbles – “Whistling in the Dark” by They Might Be Giants
Nancy – “Turn! Turn! Turn!” the Byrds
Nossy – “Nadia’s Theme” from the Young and Restless
The Translucents – “2001 A Space Odyssey” theme
I have been dying to get a shirt-Please Please, just as long as it’s not pink. Black and white good. Heather grey good. Olive good.
I’m in for a t-shirt in a dark colour, long or short sleeve. I’d really like a smoking fish shot glass, too.
Wrapped up my rookie season as a Four-For-Fun race car driver this weekend with a 4th place in the Feature and a 2nd in overall championship points!
Jeff:
Customer service – an actual knowledgable person at Sam’s?
That’s like finding a helpful salesperson at Circus Shitty.
Anyway, congrats on the new box. Hope everything works out finance-wise.
Today’s quote: “Gambling (noun) – a purely voluntary, self-imposed tax on people who are really bad at math. (Unknown)
Don’t forget: no incumbents, no exceptions!
Foolish Andy,
I love buying things on 0% financing. We have the money for it on hand, but take the 6,12,18 months to pay it off.
In the meantime you keep saving up to replenish the money supply (and hopefully add to it) for the next purchase.
Maybe it’s not for everyone, but it works for us.
Off the top of my head;
Sunshine: 2LiveJews – Its so humid
Mumbles: Jim Reeves – Heartache follows me
Nancy: Tiny Tim – intro to The Birds are Coming or Stompin Tom – Margos Cargo
Nostrils: ? – Prison Bitch
Translucents: Cat Stevens – They’re coming to take me away or Tards – Hows your news
Sunshine – White Rabbit
Sunshine…”Because I Got High” – Afroman
Mumbles… “I Hate Everyone” – Get Set Go
Nancy…..”These Boots Were Made For Walking” – Nancy Sinatra
Nostrils…”Faith” – George Micheal
The Translucents… “Head Like A Hole” – Nine Inch Nails
As for my future electronics purchases, I may BUY something at one of those Big Box Hell Holes, but if I do I always go to TigerDirect.com and rebuy it and return it to the Big Box store that was invariably 20% more expensive. But that way I don’t have to deal with that whole “delayed gratification” BS that my shrink kept telling me I should get accustomed to. WTF does he know.
Sunshine: “Night on Bald Mountain” Modest Mussorgsky (the music playing in “Fantasia” when the creepy demon does his thang)
Mumbles: “Isolation” Joy Division
Nancy: “You Oughta Know” Alanis Morissette
Nostrils: “Bananaphone”
The Translucents: “You Little Shits” Stereolab
Sunshine – “Oh, Happy Day”/Spiritual
Mumbles – “Everybody Must Get Stoned”/Bob Dylan
Nancy – “My Guy”/Mary Wells
Nossy – “Mandy”/Barry Manilow
Translucents – “Invisible”/Clay Aiken
For the love of God, can I PLEASE have long sleeves this time? I live in an arctic zone!
Happy Monday, Surfers!
I like to wait until Circuit City has a great deal on something and I can order it online (must have free shipping). That way, I never venture inside the store, but still get my exploding nipples pleasure from new electronics!
I’m still rooting for a coffee mug!
Jeff – what’s with yer freakin’ contact button? Couldn’t get a dadburned email window to pop up.
I’m a graphic artist and I hereby offer my services for the t-shirt design. Gratis. Contact me.
If the Big Box store is anything like the local Detroit furniture store, Art Van, you’ll definitely have problems with the financing. They’re a complete nightmare.
I’m with the people who want long sleeved t-shirts. Winter is a-comin’ and it’s darn cold in this apartment until January when the boiler gets going in high gear. I already have dark blue and heather grey, so a different color would be fabulous (girls shirts would be nice, as well, if at all possible). If not, I’ll live.
Sunshine – Young at Heart – Tony Bennett or Frank Sinatra (sarcasm)
Mumbles – I Feel Lucky by Mary-Chapin Carpenter
Nancy – She’s No Lady by Lyle Lovett
Nostrils – Master of the House from Les Miserables (a bit more facetiousness)
The Translucents – Ya Got Trouble by Robert Preston from the Music Man
LOVE the surf report cam! takes me way back…and this message will explode in 60 seconds…