I was going to update on Tuesday afternoon, but your stories were coming fast and furious, and I didn’t want to disrupt things. Lots of great laughs yesterday… You guys are awesome.
The Half-Shirts had their annual Memorial Day party on Monday evening, and it was a raucous event, as usual. It sounded like there were forty drunken old ladies over there, shrieking and whooping it up. I’m almost certain there were plenty of men there too, but we could only hear the women. And they were still swinging for the fences at 1 a.m.
Why do they always have it on Monday night? Doesn’t it make more sense to have it on Sunday, so you could use the next day to rehydrate and liqui-shit yourself back to normal? That’s what I would recommend, but they never ask for my opinion. You know, since they both hate me with the intensity of a thousand suns.
And speaking of that… It’s been crushingly hot up here, and we haven’t yet dragged the five (five!) Soviet humbox air conditioners up from the basement. I almost pulled the trigger on Saturday afternoon, but the heat weighed me down like a queen size comforter soaked in sea water. The heat poisons you, drugs you, and renders you incapable of banishing it from the premises. It’s similar to those weird spiders from South America that paralyze your ass for an hour or two, so you can’t kill them.
On Sunday night it was so hot I was thrashing around in the sheets, unable to sleep. Then a brief thunderstorm rolled through, and Andy (Black Lips Houlihan) got scared by the thunder and jumped up on the bed. And he pressed his entire heft against me, thus raising my body temperature another five to seven degrees. He was a vibrating heat-pump covered in fur. I was in absolute hell, and Toney was inches away just snoozing on through the night.
I haven’t had a beer in many days, because I’m trying to be more productive. And it’s working. How sad is that? I’m also reading like a maniac. I’ve ripped through two complete books over the past ten days, on my Kindle, and that’s fast for me. I always have the best of intentions, but usually end up reading one page before conking out for the evening. And it takes a long time, only reading one page per day.
I’m limiting myself to just one Mountain Dew per night at work, as well. The rest of the time I drink water. So, no soda and no beer… my jeans are already loose. It’s crazy how fast the pounds start falling off, by just making a minor adjustment. I feel pretty damn good. It’s a shame I won’t stay the course.
A few nights ago I was watching Ghost Adventures with the boys, and it was one of those episodes where not much happens, so they have to pad it with a bunch of bullshit. Know what I mean? Like during the Gettysburg episode, when they were dressed up in Civil War uniforms, and lounging around a camp filled with reenactors. What the hell? Aren’t they supposed to be hunting for ghosts? I’m not giving up my valuable time to watch some idiot eat beans off a metal plate.
And by the way… how shitty of a ghost hunter must you be, not to find anything in Gettysburg?!
The one on Friday was at a house in Kentucky which was built by an evil man who owned, and abused, slaves. Or so the story went… And since nothing too exciting happened during the show, they filled in the gaps with elderly people singing mournful spirituals, and standing off in the distance with their arms straight down at their sides. They also had an obese man in tribal dress come in and splash water around, as part of some sort of religious ceremony. After it was over everybody cried, for reasons that remain unclear.
Why do I continue to watch Ghost Adventures? It irritates me greatly, every time. I’m still hoping to see an episode where that Zak character is taunting the spirits, and a fork comes sailing out the darkness and sticks in his neck. Perhaps that’s what keeps me coming back, I’m not sure.
During the show we saw a commercial for some sort of ludicrous product that purports to lift droopy eyes. Following a litany of amazing promises, and many before & after photos, they revealed what you get for your twenty bucks or whatever: a sheet of clear stickers that you’re supposed to put on your eyelids. I busted out in laughter. People will buy anything, won’t they?
Watch it here.
Maybe I’ll test it out with some of the free return labels those nice cancer people keep sending me?
After that one, there was an ad for a bunch of cheap plastic slats that you’re supposed to put under the cushions of destroyed, fully-collapsed couches and chairs, to make them seem new again. Near the end of this laugh-out-loud abortion of an offer, two so-called Sumo wrestlers are brought in to sit on a newly slatted-up couch, and demonstrate the strength of the product. Only they aren’t Sumo wrestlers, they’re just a couple of really fat black guys.
Here it is.
I love the old man who struggles to rise to a standing position pre-slats, then SPRINGS to his feet post-slats. And the bonus couch-pouch is a nice touch, as well.
Have you ever bought anything off those types of TV commercials? What was it, and what’s your review of the product? Please tell us about it, won’t you? Use the comments link below. It’s our Question of the Day.
Also, if you know of other hilarious TV commercials for questionable items, please describe them, or provide YouTube links. I don’t watch much TV, and need to get caught up on this important side of things.
Plus, who hates you, like the Half-Shirts hate me? Is there anybody who doesn’t even try to hide it? Please tell us that story, if you’re so inclined.
And I’m gonna call it a day, boys and girls.
I’ll see you again tomorrow.
Now playing in the bunker
Read Crossroads Road on your Kindle!
Good Morning Surf Reporters….
Got some catching up to do
the only item ordered late night via the infomercial was the Seal a Meal. Vacuum sealed goodies, frozen fresh, months later good to go.
It actually worked until I ran out of the replaceable vacuum bags…
I almost never watch commercial TV, but I make an exception for the Indy 500. I saw that plastic eye-lifter offer.
Besides the inherent danger in placing a piece of plastic with two pointy ends manufactured in a filthy Chinese factory 1/100th of an inch from my eye, I have some concerns about the presentation of the product.
The people in the “before” videos look as if someone has prevented them from defecating for several days; they look unhappy, as if they’re carrying a heavy load, either emotionally or otherwise. Those in the “after” shots look greatly relieved. Nobody know da trouble dey seen.
Also, the “after” people have a starry gaze about them that reminds me of the people lining up for the space ship in the Twilight Zone episode that ends with the guy yelling, “It’s a cookbook.” I could be wrong, but I think I recognized some of the “after” people from their previous service of counting hanging chads in Florida.
So I continue my unbroken streak of never buying any member of the “as seen on TV” genus. Although those steak knives are tempting.
jtb
Somehow, all the crap those TV spots push reminds me of this fine song…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByomIJf5n9w
jtb
Wow. Great performance of a fantastic song. I bought the ‘Small Change’ album when it came out and still can’t make any sense of that line about the phone company, and now he doesn’t use it in this version.
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy.
.
I also bought Small Change when it came out. Some of my favorite Waits songs are here: Invitation to the Blues, Tom Traubert’s Blues, The Piano Has Been Drinking, and, of course, Step Right Up.
I think I wore out one record and had to buy another. Good Lord, his next album was Foreign Affairs, another terrific outing. Mr. Waits was writing and playing real music while the white kids were learning how to disco dance.
jtb
I think the scariest thing about Ghost Adventures is Zak’s hair.
Never ordered anything from those commercials but have a morbid fascination as to how they come up with so many ridiculous ideas and actually manage to sell them! I almost got a new wrench set once, but fell asleep drunk before I could dial.
“a vibrating heat-pump covered in fur” — brilliant.
Living in an attic with no air conditioning has kept me in the neighborhood bars for most of my waking hours; at least they are climate controlled. Time to look for a new place to live before my liver explodes.
The first zombie-proof house:
http://all-that-is-interesting.com/post/4956385434/the-first-zombie-proof-house
When my dad worked third shift he would watch TV in bed before going to sleep in the morning. Unfortunately he doesn’t have the best judgement at that time of day and we would be constantly getting packages in the mail. He didn’t even remember ordering most of them. He came up with the rule that his wallet went downstairs in the kitchen because he would be too lazy to walk downstairs to get it. Worked like a charm and he stopped ordering crap off the TV. And it was all crap. We had the set it and forget it chicken rotisserie, paint rollers that would make your walls look like marble (more like a two year old painted them), Time’s 70’s CD set, many pieces of exercise equipment, and a vacuum sealer. Then only thing we actually liked was the vacuum sealer but we returned the TV one and bought one at the store. Bags were much cheaper that way.
My mom bought me a nu-wave oven for Christmas (Cooks from the inside out!) I’m not sure why. We have 2 adults and 5 kids in my house and she got me the small one to feed 2 to 3 people. It won’t even fit a chicken in it. Plus everything is suppose to be frozen when you put it in there. I don’t tend to buy frozen meat. The kids used it to make some frozen chicken tenders but they came out all soggy. She told me she knew it was the perfect gift for me as soon as she saw it. Still pondering what that meant.
When I was a kid – I’m guessing 11 or 12 – there was a new CD set advertised on TV (I believe it was called “Classic Rock”). One of the ways you could pay for it was COD, which I did, and it was delivered when I was at school and paid for by my mom. She wasn’t impressed but I loved those CDs. I think they were my first.
At work, we ordered a set of “Tater Mitts” because the commercials were hilarious and our curiosity was piqued to see if they really worked. Guess what? They really DIDN’T! They looked like dishwashing gloves covered in aquarium rocks! We tried them on a ‘tater and wound up only getting a shredded potato with a few aquarium rocks imbedded in it. Yeah, it was a total waste, but we had a good time with it!
Maybe you should send a pair to Jason’s masturbating church buddy?
disappointed… I really wanted some tater mitts.
This has to be the funniest product I’ve ever seen!
http://www.asseenontvvideo.com/511827/Shuffles.html
Oh sweet Jesus, that’s hilarious!
But if you are Apolo Ono you could clean the mall in mere minutes.
And when he falls down in the last few seconds some Aussie can swoop in and take all the cleaning credit.
What a rip off, Ijust walk around in stocking feet all day to keep my kitchen floor clean. No need for nasty chemicals.
I (space) just
Regarding the sofa slats commercial:
1) Damn, Uma Thurman is getting desperate.
2) You don’t have to be Japanese to be a sumo wrestler. They do accept other nationalities. So those portly dudes could be sumo, as opposed to just two large-boned men with questionable hair that they found at a local moving company (incidentally, I might be wrong but think the first guy is Samoan).
Slap Chop and Shamwow commercials are always entertaining. Here’s the infamous auto tune version of the Slap Chop commercial someone took the time to make:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWRyj5cHIQA
Slap Chop… making ham salad one spoonful at a time.
My wife bought a similar product at Wal-Mart. It didn’t work for shit.
That Shamwow dude gives me the child molester vibe.
He beat the living shit outta some hooker a while back. Saw it on television.
From College Humor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMMxIAn_76g
No TV shopping stories but a friends father was a compulsive shopper. The garage was always full of new washers and driers, new furniture, freezers, etc. My friend would haul a load back to the store for a refund and a couple weeks later the garage would be full again.
The infomercials that get me are the ones for sunglasses. It’s like people have never seen bronze lenses before. You can buy those cheap sunglasses at dollar stores.
The “Ped-Egg” commercial has to be one of the nastiest ones around. When they empty that thing out, it looks like someone shaking out some parmesan cheese…or something! Just what everyone needs–a cheese grater for your feet!
I got Beloved the Ped Egg – his feet get pretty nasty standing and walking all day. He actually loved that freaking thing.
I have one basic question regarding all ghost hunting shows–why is that ghosts only come out at night? Does it violate some obscure Ghost Worker’s Union Rule to appear during the day? Enquiring minds want to know!
Thats becuase ghost hunters have regular day jobs, so they can’t fabricate any ghost stories lest it interfere with a regular pay cheque.
My niece got her pup a Snuggie. And years ago we got the Ron Popeil pasta maker. It worked Ok but as far as I’m concerned, just give me a box of Barilla and let me be done with it.
Hey – with the aforementioned Ped Egg, I could have made pasta and “sprinkled it” like Root66 said.
“Hey – with the aforementioned Ped Egg, I could have made pasta and “sprinkled it” like Root66 said…….”
FUCKING EEEEWWWW!!!!!!
What’s really funny is that we’ve always called parmesan cheese “stinky feet cheese” my entire life! Doesn’t matter, though, I still like the stuff!
My kids call parmesan cheese “stinky feet cheese” too. My son says that brussel sprouts smell like dirty feet. He still eats them though…
*GAG!*
I’ll never look at that green jar of cheese the same.
If you manage to scrape a corn off your dogs, hey – vegetable side dish!
I poured parmasan cheese into my coffee by accident one morning, thinking it was creamer. Not good.
Nancy, the PhD, used to call it “parmesian” cheese. Apparently somebody corrected her, and she says it correctly now.
Corn dogs? What?
.
My same friend who sharted on her trash can (yesterday’s comment), got a salad for her much loathed boss and then took her shoe off and shook whatever skin debris and what-not on the salad, then gave it to her boss. We still joke about the “shoe shakin’s” today.
ETW: OMG…that’s disgustingly fantastic! Hate my boss too….hmmmmm…..
The Bunker Cam: why, whatever gave you the impression David Bowie had a cocaine habit?
His hat is on crooked, the friggin’ druggie…
And his skeletal face could be the inspiration for the Grateful Dead logo…
First, I must say, I love Ghost Adventures. But I’m really into that shit. Zak and the boys are pretty entertaining (‘cept for Zak’s hair, like ETW said earlier…what is up with that?). They at least give you some history regarding the location, sometimes a little more that necessary…for filler I guess. But at least, when/if they do encounter something, you are shown it right away. And Zak is a decent narrator. Unlike Ghost Hunters. I can’t stand those dickbeaters…the guys are just irritate the hell out of me and the girls have the personalities of a doorknob. You watch the whole hour only to watch them watch video they took the last 2 minutes of the show.
The heat is horrible. We went to the local Memorial Day Parade on Monday. I was fucking miserable beyond comprehension especially since I sweat like a ho working in the attic. I was getting nauseated from the heat. So we cut that day short and went to a friends pool for the rest of the day. And that was glorious.
None of my friends (nor I) have a pool. WTF? And it’s over an hour to get to the beach. (add 3 more hours of bumper to bumper Long Island traffic). I have to find new summer friends. And I can’t do lakes. I always feel I’m going to lose a goddamn toe from some overly aggressive snapping turtle.
I’m totally into the Paranormal stuff but I can’t watch it on TV.
My neighbor has a pool and a fridge stocked with cold beverages. It’s pretty sweet.
Oh…the pool was just what the doctor ordered. Both Sunday and Monday we were in it. Loverly to say the least. My boyfriend’s statement while we were swimming…”Well, I suppose you want a pool now.” My reply? “Fuckin-A right. And don’t tell me you wouldn’t enjoy dipping your sweaty balls in it after working all day in 100 degree heat wearing heavy jeans and long sleeves.”
I’ll just add it to the list right behind new kitchen countertop and back splash, finished basement, my work studio in the attic and batroom re-do.
We spent the weekend sweating. In between sweating, we managed to go visit with Randy Brotherton who is on a two week leave from his National Guard duties in Afghanistan.
Does anyone hate me? Apparently yes. Of course they don’t harass me unless I write in my now defunct blog or comment here, which leads me to believe it’s someone who knows the blog and me belong together. I think it’s pretty cowardly and shitty, but you know, there are plenty of cowardly shits out there so what can you do?
One more thing…”If my hater is reading this, fuck you. I’ll delete your nasty emails like all the rest of them and not even give it a second though. I hate that your life is so pathetic that you feel threatened by MY pathetic life. So suck it.”
Meh…I think that about covers it.
SHIT, you’re STILL being harassed?! The FUCK?! Trolls gonna troll, I guess. 🙁 Sorry to hear your blog is defunct.
I just shouldn’t have been so open about my family really. If I weren’t worried about harm coming to them, I’d write in it anyway.
I am not only hated but OBSESSIVELY HATED. I think I should get a prize or something…
That sucks. I suspect jealousy is behind the whole thing. If it makes you feel any better, here’s another online writer’s take on e-mail harassment that’s funny in an uncomfortable sort of way:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-writing-tips-people-who-send-me-death-threats/
That’s funnier than hell. Great way to take an irritating situation and use it to your advantage! LOL
I live down the road from a very conservative little town noted in these parts for the advanced age of its residents. Think ‘rural Boca Raton’. As these folks tend to pass on to their reward with some regularity, every Monday finds a fresh new crop of donated t.v. ‘wonder products’, many of them still in the box, and many of those dating back from the 70’s (anyone remember The Buttoneer?) As you look over the tables of rotating pizza cookers and non-monetary coin collections, you are lead to wonder what on earth was going through the mind of the purchaser. Like, why did someone who spent all day on an adult potty chair think they needed a Pocket Fisherman? What lead Grandpa, who never learned to speak English, to purchase This Is Disco volumes 1-12? It is a mystery; but their numbers are legion if the evidence is anything to go by. Ron Popiel buys a new yacht for his dog every month with the money he makes off these people.
I remember the Buttoneer! LOL. Pocket Fisherman! You’ve hit on some classics.
I bought my mom a Buttoneer for Christmas circa 1975 or so. She loved it, because she hated to sew. And yes, we were the dorky little children running around with our buttons stapled to our shirts!
Bien dit, FN.
jtb
I recently purchased the Aluma Wallet at the “As Seen on TV” store in the mall…
http://www.asseenontvvideo.com/512373/Aluma-Wallet.html
They must use midget hands to hold it in the commercial because it is tiny. Bills folded in half didn’t fit. There was nowhere near enough room for all my cards. The laminated birth certificate was too big and couldn’t be folded to make it fit. The latch was cheap, and I just knew it would break after a week at most.
So I take it back to the store, and guess what? No refunds! Bastards. Now I have a gift card for their store that I know I will never use.
If you’re looking for RFID protection, may I suggest the following credit card sleeves:
http://cgi.ebay.com/RFID-SHIELD-CREDIT-CARD-Protectors-sleeves-LOT-5-/130521691443?pt=Wallet&hash=item1e63b2f533
I got the five pack and they work great (I tested them). Good peace of mind for under $10.
It wasn’t the RFID, it was the fact that in my back pocket my leather wallet bends so much that a couple of my credit/bank cards cracked. I mean, if a truck can drive over the aluminum wallet, surely it can stand the weight of my fat ass.
Sweet Jeezus, maybe you should go on the carnival circuit with that trick! “Bends credit cards in half with a single squat!” 😉
You should use the gift card or you are leaving money in their pockets. Makem pay.
I might just buy their Bucky Balls.
God save us. They’re selling fullerenes on late-night TV? Well, I guess that’s cheaper than making them at home.
jtb
Re. Bunker Cam.
I worked oppoisite Della Reese back in the day and I had no idea she has two nipples on her left breast. And apparently Paul can’t believe it either.
ummm….Roberta Flack, yes?
1972 Grammys, I think.
Sorry dto, I just got it…duh.
Yep I bet bet you’re right. I mostly only got to see people from the back always being back in the trumpet section. Faces?…maybe I’m not so good at. Nipples…well…
Her friends always called her Nip. I thought it was because her father was Japanese, but this makes more sense.
jtb
Those commercials are pretty absurd. Scotch tape to put on your eyelids and fucking vinyl siding to put under your couch. Ridiculous.
My wife helped make Ron Popiel a millionaire. So much shit laying around the house that we never use. Bought his knives, they’re supposed to last forever and cut everything from timber and steel to bread, but he gives you 60 of them – not sure why. My favorite was the stupid ass dehydrator. Takes a succulant piece of fruit and shrinks it into a dry sticky mess? Yes, I’ll take two please. I myself have never bought from television.
We had a weird meeting thing last night. One of my wife’s friends invited us to come to her church for this social thing, as she called it. First, the church probably takes up about 30 acres and it took us a while to find the correct room. Second, it was nothing like what she’d described. Everyone (including us) sat in a circle and listed off problems that they have. I couldn’t come up with anything real good, so I went with drinking. I guess I drink too much by most people’s standards.
They got around to one weirdo who said he was ADDICTED to internet pornography. Said he couldn’t hold down a job because, and I quote, “I have to masturbate ten to twelve times a day. And most work places make it impossible to do that.” Everyone just nodded and smiled at him. Holy shit! He just told a group of 50 strangers that he jacks off 12 times a day and can’t work as a result? Then everyone went into a small room and had coffee and cookies. Mr. Jackoff made his way towards me (I guess to shake my hand) but I dodged him and got the hell out of there.
I’ve been to lots of churches but this was the weirdest damn thing I’ve ever witnessed, by far.
Most tv commercials like that show people doing idiotic things. For example, if they’re selling a pasta cooking device they’ll show their product with a lady smiling and admiring her noodles. Then they’ll show a traditional pot and the lady falls over and drags boiling water onto herself.
Root66 has a pair of Tater Mitts. You should get some for Mr. Jackoff.
I think Mr. Jackoff has reached the point of perversion where he has to do sicker and more dangerous stuff to get off.
I fully expect them to find him dead later this year in a shitty hotel room, with a cantalope up his ass and a length of barbed wire shoved down his piss hole. Maybe some film of a woman fucking a german shepherd will be playing on a contined loop on an old black and white tv.
I can’t stop laughing.
In a random act of dumbassery (or drunken stupidity) I ordered Kinoki Foot Pads to clean all the toxins from my bod. Other than the $75 wallet biopsy, the only thing I got from it was sticky feet!
I posted this at Facebook a few days ago. It’s a GOOD commercial, without any fake Sumo wrestlers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGb8pMIeY6w
Holy Shit! Tornado watch in effect for my area until 8:00 PM tonight. The commute home should be a pip being that I travel on back roads that are tree lined. I’m a’scared.
Peddle fast, Dorothy!!
Ghost stuff scares the living shit out of me. I had a few run-ins when I was a kid. No thanks. You guys can keep your ghost and demons and whatnots.
This one always has me in stitches, especially when the mom says she loves to bling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_sDSMYYp4k
I bought “TV’s greatest hits” once – a double album of TV show themes. I probably still have it in the vault somewhere. Embarrassing now that I think about it.
Wonder if the mom also likes to vajazzle.
I have that TV Greatest Hits album, too! Used it for a Halloween party where we had to dress up as ou favorite 1968 TV Character. I went as Ironside. Even rented a wheelchair!
My late mother bought some various-sized plastic discs that were to be placed under the legs of heavy furniture to make them easier to move. As chief furniture-lifters whenever mom went on a rearranging binge, my dad and I were rather dubious about the purchase and rolled our eyes accordingly. Until we actually used them. They worked perfectly, allowing us to slide big tables and bookcases around on the carpet with minimal effort. Really took a lot of the hassle out of the job…
A friend and I were at a garage sale and picked up a bunch of those old advertised-on-TV greatest-hits-of-all-time record collections, mostly from KTel, Ronco, and Candlelight. Some of them were pressed on ridiculously flimsy vinyl and/or featured really bad remakes of famous hits by “either the original artist or one or more members of the original group,” as it says in tiny print on one label. Still other albums have the original recordings, but the songs are horribly truncated or edited down to about a minute and a half…
Personally, I love Ghost Adventures. I’m in to all those shows though. I do think that Zak is a total douche though, I’ve had many laughs with my boyfriend while watching and listening to the stupid things he says.
Those commericials were HILARIOUS. I especially loved the sagging furniture one. I laughed pretty hard at the part where they show comparison pictures of the grandpa in the saggy recliner, versus the grandpa sitting straight and upright and almost made his neck look abnormally long and cheery…He looked like a turtle. Neck in. Neck out!
I’ve got a neighbor who has been pretty damn unfriendly to my entire family since we moved to their block about 2 years ago. I deal with it by purposefully shining on the guy every time I see him. He gets treated to something like this:
“Hey Rick, how ya doing good buddy? Long time no see. How’s work going? Your kid is getting so big these days! We should get together and watch the game this weekend. Come over any time for a beer, good buddy.”
Even when I’m just driving by and see him out in his yard or on his porch or something, I make a point of honking and giving a shout out and a great big wave to the guy.
Completely freaks the guy out.
We have neighbors similar to that. We call them “Momma and Poppa Roach” because we almost never see them outside and if we go out our front door and they ARE out, they skitter inside real quick.
I forgot all about the people that hate you question. I don’t really know of anyone that hates me. I must have self esteem issues or something, because I go out of my way to try and make people like me. But there are a few people that I do hate. And baby, you don’t want to be on that list. I know how to cut to the bone.
There’s this one woman that just makes me so damned angry! I We’ll call her “Tammie”. I like to go to her now defunct blog and send her nasty e-mails and such. Okay, that was a joke. And not a really good one either. Sorry Tammie. I’d never send you a nasty e-mail.
(sigh) today feels like it’s fucking four days long.
Awww Jason. I know it’s not you because you wouldn’t tell me I’m a no talent whore who uses sex to promote my blog because I have no real talent for writing. Hell, there’s no way you’d think that being a whore was a bad thing.
🙂
The thing that really annoys me about my stalker troll, is that I have never once posted pictures of my boobs falling out of my shirt or my ass hanging out of my panties. If I were actually using sex to sell, wouldn’t it make sense that I’d have done something like that?
Yeah, my humor is crude but so what? So is the humor of most of the Surf Reporters. And as for the no talent thing, well hey, I never said I was talented or trying to be. I was just having a good time writing about shit that I thought about. I still do it, I just don’t put it out there for anyone to see. Maybe I’ll print it out and staple it together and sell it…
Tammie, I really enjoyed your writing, with its humor and frankness. I guess there’s one person who can’t handle it for some reason – probably jealousy. It pisses me off that one person has deprived the rest of us, who appreciate you, from hearing what you have to say.
Pisses me off too. Tammie did you go to the police about your talker troll?
Pisses me off too. Tammie, did you go to the police about your talker troll?
Shit, this comment thing is being flaky. Anyway, I meant to say “Stalker troll.”
You’re right Tammie. And the fact that you haven’t posted pictures “of boobs falling out of my shirt or my ass hanging out of my panties” isn’t a good thing in my book (I saw how you dressed up for Halloween).
Ahhhh, I recall a nastly little incident a year or so ago (maybe more) here at thewvsr and that idiot was letting you have it for no apparent reason. Telling you that you were selling sex, or some such nonsense. You remember, I’m sure. What’s her name? I bet that’s your stalker. Haven’t her (I think it’s a her) around here in a while. Crazy bitch. She needs to drink bleach.
I don’t think we need to point fingers Jason. I chalked that whole incident up as a moment of bad judgement. Apparently she doesn’t care for me but that’s no reason to assume she is the one stalking me.
It’s in the past and as far as I’m concerned it stays in the past. I don’t want anyone to ever feel like they’re not welcome at the WVSR and that includes her.
We all say and do things sometimes that are inappropriate and while she shouldn’t have used Jeff’s page to attack me, she’s still entitled to her opinion of me.
And the Halloween costume was still modest. I don’t recall boobs and buttocks bulging out of bra and bloomers.
I had a friend of mine who is a policeman come over and read my nasty emails but they’re not death threats and there is no bodily harm actually indicated in any of them. The IP addresses and servers are different every time I get one which leads me to believe my hater is computer savvy.
As long as I don’t post anything on my blog or comment here they leave me alone. I can write on other people’s walls and comment other places. It’s just here and on my blog. Oddly enough, they didn’t send me anything nasty yet but maybe they haven’t read Jeff’s post yet.
Yeah, you’re right. Who knows? Who ever it is, fuck them with a chainsaw.
The Halloween costume was modest, but hawt.
(snap, snap, snap) look at the birdie!
Years ago, I worked for a medical company. The head bitch in charge collected dolls. She’d stay up nights watching those infomercials, QVC and HSN buying every doll she could get her claws on. Spent thousands doing it.
One Christmas, she invited the office to her house for a little office party. There wasn’t a flat surface that wasn’t covered by dolls. HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of them. She had them on shelves in the kitchen for cripessakes. She had to remove dolls from her chairs, sofa, and diningroom set before anyone could sit down. It was scary as hell. I hate dolls…UGH! There were eyes everywhere. Her poor husband couldn’t even sit down to watch TV without moving dolls from the couch.
Hoarder! I knew a girl who collected those scary possessed porcelain dolls. And she just HAD to proudly show them to me. Meanwhile my brain is screaming CHILLER THEATER and the chardonnay is chunneling back up my esophogus. Freak. I never liked her anyway and now that our husbands don’t talk I no longer have to see her or her Lucifer playmates.
“Lucifer’s Playmates”. Another great name for a band!
“Lucifer’s Playmates”………Outstanding!! Adding to my vocabulary!
I married Lucifer’s Playmate of the Month in 1976. Things quickly went to hell.
jtb
Between “Lucifer’s playmates” and “Jersusalem Cruisers” I think we’re onto a new vocabulary of biblical proportions!
Awww crap…is this thing becoming a cult? I mentioned that a few years back and it has come to pass. We have hats, t-shirts and wait for our leader’s next words. AND…we now have a book to feed the flock, draw more in AND our own vocabulary. We’re gonna need a bigger alter.
Gotta go…need to mow the the lawn wearing half a shirt. I’ll probably just wear the left side (or is it right side?) today.
I don’t think anyone actually hates me. I’m sure there’s some, “What the fuck is it with him??” going around. That’s why Indians (feather not dot) never killed crazy people. “Just stay away from that crazy fuck”.
Tammie..always liked to read your wit and letting us in on your life. I’m still captured by the ghost kids you wrote about. Anyone else remember that? Seen ’em lately? And you can send me a nasty e-mail anytime you want. But…you know..that good kinda nasty.
You’re talking about my son’s “ghost friend” who we assumed was his imaginary friend. Of course our son was just a toddler when we moved into our house so it was kind of weird that his imaginary friend told him that his bedroom used to be where our bathroom is (which is exactly what it was before they put the bathroom in it). Then there was the time we went to visit our friends in Boston and my son asked my friend if his “ghost friend” could come in and said he was sitting on the roof waiting for her to say he could come in. (her house had been blessed by a priest). It’s just weird things to be coming out of your four years old, you know?
Did she let him come in or did she say, “Hell fucking NO!”, like I would have done?
She said “OMG!!!” She’s so superstitious. I don’t think she slept the whole time we were visiting. LOL
I had to go straight for the hate question.
I’m pretty sure the Baltimore Orioles hate me. And have for 13 or 14 years now.
My sister’s husband’s sister hates me. Fuckin hate. On me.
She was a sophomore when I was a senior in high school. We’re talking almost twenty years ago. I, Mr. All-Around Good Guy, was always nice to her even thogh she looked like a Q-tip without the bottom fuzzy part. Braces. Frizzy hair. About 5-11. Quiet, and sorta mean. No friends. I always said hi, asked her if she was alright, the whole nine.
Then she goes to some private college, scissor-bangs a bunch of sorority hos, grows boobs, majors in Eastern Ass Buggery, and starts drinking expensive wine. She comes down from the big ol’ city now and then, bragging about uplifting inner city kids through her job. AS A FRENCH TEACHER.
And she talks to me like I’m a dog, just because I drink beers and used to get arrested ever’ now n’ den. She actually told me she NEVER liked me, and thinks I’ve wasted my life and education.
Inner city mothafuggin French teacher.
Actually, I hate her… am I the only one who deals with shit like this?
We have/had a friend like that too. 2 years ago we all went to a concert together and he was a blast. Granite, he was drinking scotch out of a flask and talking with an Italian accent until the wee hours of the morning (we had to share a hotel room with him, he was not Italian). In the middle of the night, he wanted to finally take his pants off and change into his pj’s and Ben and I are awoken to a loud boom, which was his face hitting the floor with pants around his ankles. We had a good time. Eventually, this friend, landed a good internship in the city of Chicago, and has since then, turned into an giant arrogant asshole. He’s like a whole different person. This friend, who, before moving to Chicago and becoming a big timer, used to party and smoke and what not. I took this straight his facebook:
“Happy 4-20? Yeah, maybe when I was 17. Do you people not realize how disgustingly inbedded Facebook is into our society now?
Or maybe it’s a common thread that those “Happy 4-20ers” don’t have a career, much less a job, fellow respected coworkers, or a higher education. Coincidence…?…Doubtful.”
Just an example of what a douche he is. Just because people enjoy a little chief once in awhile, doesn’t make them jobless losers. I have a lot of friends who live/work and the city, and they are not all arrogant assholes, but some of them fall into that category where they think just because they work in the big city makes them better then everyone else.
Yeah, that dude needs to be shang-haied and sold into bondage. Along with my sis’s sis-in-law.
I used to work/live in a big city. I still managed to realize when and how much I sucked. It certainly didn’t make any smarter to live there.
Oh well, whaddayagonnado?
make ME
Actually, I know a group of people in the same situation.
They’re called “Everybody” .
They meet at the bar.
Everybody is a drunk.
Or a punk.
I just left The Korger with an 18 pack of Coor’s and this rather large baboon looking woman with see-though hair and wearing a flowery summer mumu said…”I bet you’re a drunk.”…huh?
I have bought shit off infomercials before…I drunk dialed the AbLounge 800 number one night when they said, “Get the AbLounge for only a DOLLAR! Return it if you aren’t satisfied!” So I’m like ‘Hell yeah, ONE DOLLAR! I’ll totally just return it.” But what my drunk ass failed to realize was that I’d have to pay shipping and handling charges to return it. The thing probably weighed 80 pounds and the box it came in was 4′ x 4’. 8 years later, I still have the AbLounge, and they don’t even contact me anymore about it. Win?
My mother has a penchant for purchasing late night tv offerings…to the point that we make fun of her for it. We had just bought a 4 stroke weed eater with every single attachment that Stihl makes for one, and she comes in the door with her new WORX GT electric trimmer/edger/hedge clipper combo. So we set up a little test. Turns out Stihl will destroy anything as seen on TV. Also had to help her find out where to send back a vacuum cleaner she bought off an infomercial, as it wouldn’t pick pet hair up off of a wood floor.
As for people that hate me, that would be a fairly short list. The neighbor across the street that I sent back to jail for assault, the guy that trespassed and tried to call the sheriff on me for trespassing (even though I own the property.) and the girl that I made cry my senior year during mock trial. That’s pretty much it. Oh, and the local anti-gun lobby. They hate me too.
I’m pretty sure the judge at traffic court hates me.
Biker Chick(s) is on Natgeo at 8pm EST.
=8^-)
Will she be wearing her “special” shoes?
jtb
Chuck: That’s me…Leather-n-Lace. But, holy fucksticks, those chicks look like they were rode hard and put out wet. Yikes!
jtb: Always have my “special” shoes..or boots.. (FMP’s not Jerusalam Cruisers)
Everybody I know here hates me. That’s fine with me. I hate them too.
Quite the opposite here, everybody I know loves me. I’m a regular Dale fucking Carnegie.
Most people probably think of me as the old weird guy. Fine with me…save a lot of boring conversation. In reality tho I an the ultimate introvert until I get to know you. No…I’m probably an old weird guy.
The couple next door the guy is a pretty nice guy. I’ve talked to him several times and he seems normal. The woman however will not speak or even look at me UNTIL she has a tech question to ask me then she is sweet as pie. Up yours lady…you’re the one who thinks she is a better tech than me, although I have probably forgotten more over the last 25 years than you know. Did that sound arrogant? I don’t mean it to.
Shit…I think I must have had a stroke during the night. Look at that poor grammar.
🙂
Tech question? I’d send the bitch a virus.
There is a girl at my office – always impeccably dressd – hair, makeup, jewlery all in coordination – who has the habit of looking me up and down like I just rolled out of the Salvation Army dumpster wrapped in a blanket of senior citizen farts.
“…wrapped in a blanket of senior citizen farts” –I about fell out of my chair on that one! Somebody needs to start a WVSR lexicon!!
Someone who hates me? Oh lordy, my cousins’ wife Emily thinks I’m the Redneck Antichrist. Remember Woody Allen’s rundown of Carol Kane in the ‘Annie Hall’ party scene? Emily fulfills every single point on the list, except for the part where she resembles Carol Kane in any way. This includes species. (I saw her in a bathing suit one horrible day. My husband and I decided she was one of those ‘toy breed’ Sasquatches. Brrrrrrr.)
Her reason for hating me: I decided not to meet her parents. Parents she was fond of describing as being ‘evil, psycho and filled with hate’. Now really…who WOULDN’T leap at the chance to meet that?
Tell ya what, the nasty hairy little apple didn’t fall far from THAT tree.
Are you saying that Emily is a “sascrotch”? The equivalent of an early 1970’s porn star gal? Schwing!Just kidding.
Do something with that shit, Emily. They even have shops you can go to nowdays.
I worked a spa for several years. Waxin’ the ol’ beave was a daily thing especially this time of year. There’s no excuse to have a sascrotch in this day and age. And I was the only one there that would wax guys. None of the other girls would do it. The gay guys used to tell me that if you wax the bush, it makes your tallywacker look bigger/longer. A little tip from your Aunt BC.
Thanks Aunty. I’m not a gay, but a bigger looking dolphin never hurts. However, I don’t think I’ll be going down to the spa.
Actually (TMI), I’m blonde and naturally not all that hairy. So I think my standard issue dong is what is, no trimming back could help.
Hey…a little “dusting” never hurts to keep things neat and tidy. Nothing worse than a trip to the southern boarder and get poked in the eye with a wild stray. Another tip from Auntie BC…… You’re welcome
T. Farty, you have just given Emily a brand-new nickname. You are a genius!
Bikerchick, Emily is one of those oldschool unreconstructed feminists, which means she knows better that us. Waxing is one of patriarchal cultures’ methods of keeping women down, didn’t you know that? Don’t buy in! There’s nothing wrong with looking like you wear black angora skater shorts! Go ahead! Rock that patch in public! Anyone who is offended is merely revealing their hillbilly ignorance, it’s natural, slaves to the patriarchy, daddy’s girl, blah blah cultural enslavement, ad nauseum.
Nancy and her probably buy their soy milk at the same co-op.
.
FirstNations..I only date girls who bind their feet.
FirstNations & AuntieBC,
Fine points the two of you make, and I have a small story to tell about muffs and whatnot. But I have what I think is a reasonable question. Why would a gay want his cock to look BIGGER? To me it makes no sense. I mean, if I ever get hit in the head with lightning, or whatever, and decide to play catcher while under a daze, BIGGER would not be better – that would be the last thing I’d be looking for. Seems to me that would be uncomfortable. Am I missing something here? Are there really men (or women for that matter) that would prefer an eggplant up their ass as opposed to something more comfortable, like a vienna sausage or a fish oil capsule? I don’t know. We’re chasing rabbit trails here, right?
My small story (as if my long-ass post isn’t already to self indulgent and long to be considered anything other than rude) is this:
My cousin Allison was pregnant and living in Galveston, TX at the time (early 1990’s). There was a radio station that had a contest where pregnant women would come to Padre Island and show off painted stomachs, the winner got $1,000.
Stick with me now, I’m going to bring this full circle and make this somewhat less of a “Jason-fest” here in a minute.
Aunt Allison had huge ass bewbs, huge. I convinced her to let me paint a mickey mouse on her stomach where her bewbs (as long as she wore a black bikini) could serve as his ears. Long story a little less longer, the “artist” (me in this case) had to show up in swimwear to help claim the prize. I was embarrassed because I had little or no hair on my chest (still don’t).
(This is where we come full circle). We found a can of GLH sold by our pal Ron Popeil at a local drug store and I attempted to “paint” myself some chest hair. Trouble with that is that it’s hard to tell where to start and where to end. What I ended up with was a triangle that went from left nipple, right nipple, and then belly button. A triangle, if you will. Looked like I should have had a giant set of meat curtains where my hips are.
Humiliated, I decided not to go to the ceremony. My brother went for me while I stayed at the condo.
BUT SHE WON! Woo hoo! Thousand bucks. I tell you this because I want to set the record straight that the real genius behind the micky mouse and tit ears of 1992 was not Jerod, but Jason.
That is all. At this time.
Love you guys!
Jason: wotta awesome story!! Loved it. Congrats! An artist and don’t even know it! And yes… For whatever reason the gay dudes love the biggins. Like you…I’d rather have the fishoil capsule.
“Black angora skater shorts”…….. Yet ANOTHER addition to my vocabulary!! FUNNY as HELL!!!!
I thought “Black angora skooter shorts” when I first read that.
I didn’t mean “skater shorts” didn’t have me at the visual but I’m working on our, “The Book of Words” right now. 2000 years from now there may not be any skaters around. But skooters?…..I’m putting in your BASS reference (the fish are all dead by then anyway) under….dunno? And now I got an ABC to deal with??!
Oh Auntie, my tater mitts are on my nightstand. I’ll be thinking of you tonight. And I’ll be mailing you a bag of my pubic hair, along with a note made up of letters cut from a magazine. Don’t be a bitch about it. Kay?
I just returned from the ladies room where I encountered someone in the stall next to me whimpering and grunting. She had a plum by the sink (apparently washing it) but I think it wpuld be the last thing she wants.
Maybe the OTHER plum was stuck!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
I heard a story years ago from a nurse who worked in geriatrics. Everyone was in a quandary one night, doctor included, because, “Mrs. So-and-So put a plum in her pussy.” When the doctor tried to retrieve it, it would just spin and spin as his fingers tried to get traction. Now, if I had a fruit basket on my bedside table, I would think banana before plum, but maybe she knew something I don’t.
You fuckers crack me up!
We are an amusing buncha bastards, aren’t we?
Indubitably!
You know you will always have a good laugh when the humor here revolves around the bathroom. =-)
Pft, this is dinner table conversation.