Is it OK if I stop sneezing and coughing into my elbow now? I’m ruining all my shirts. Sheesh.
Anyway, there are currently 407 comments on the 2010 Roll Call page. Would anyone, by any chance, like to go through them one final time, to get a handle on how many states/countries we hit this year?
If not, I might be able to get to it over the weekend. I’d like to have some kind of easy-to-read summary, maybe a spreadsheet or something similar, with a total per state, etc.
And when I say I might be able to get to it, the rough translation is “I have good intentions, but there’s approximately the same chance of the entire cast of Riverdance emerging from my butt.”
But they say nothing is impossible, right?
I just downloaded the new Hold Steady album. Sounds pretty good, so far. I like those guys, and I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with their latest. Any opinions yet?
And Josh Kohlbach is taking advantage of the low-cost Surf Report advertising rates, and re-upping for another month with us. I want to thank him, by linking to his site again in an update. Right here.
If you have something you’d like to promote, please consider an ad campaign at TheWVSR. It’s ridiculously cheap, and I’ll do what I can to drive readers to your site. You know, after I accept the ad… I ain’t promoting no questionable boolshit.
And I mentioned that I’m returning to the yurt next week. I’m going to start an intensive editing of my book, and need your help with something.
This was suggested by my still-unnamed, but pretty much guessed at this point, NYC friend. While we were having beers a couple of weeks ago, she said I should ask you guys for some feedback on the stories and phrases you’ve read at the Surf Report, that have stuck with you over the years.
For instance, are there any particular Sunshine & Mumbles tales that jump immediately to your mind? Same with Nancy and the gang. If they’ve stood the test of time with you, then they’re probably good candidates for inclusion in the book.
Also, I’m looking for little phrases and descriptors that I pull out of my rear-end on occasion. These don’t have to be about the extended family, necessarily, just anything that’s stuck with you. Which ones do you remember, especially?
Part of editing a book, I’m guessing (gulp), is evaluating every scene. Some are stronger than others, and a few will probably need to be scrapped or replaced with something better. And I’m planning to add at least two additional chapters.
So, your feedback on this will help me out a great deal. I’ll need specific items, and not just “anything involving Nostrils.” You know, like the time he got caught in a Southern rainstorm for the first time, parked his car under a bridge, and shit his pants?
Can you help a brother out?
And I know this one seems even more self-indulgent than usual, but I really do need this information. So, thank you in advance.
Oh, and just because I feel like doing it… my friend is indeed Duff. She’s beyond awesome, and has helped me behind the scenes for several years. I’m confident that exciting things will be happening during the second half of 2010, and she’s played a big part in it.
So, there you go. Have a great day, my friends.
I’ll see ya tomorrow.
“My nipples are exploding with delight.”
“Holy shit on a handtruck.”
And I personally find it hilarious when you write about Andy.
You’ve mentioned how the vet shaves his “pucker” every time he goes for a visit and how you can see his butthole from 3 city blocks away or from a low flying aircraft. I can see you writing about him. laughing to yourself, while he is laying on the floor giving you a “what the hell are you laughing about” look. I’m sure there is the raising of one eyebrow, then the other with a tail wag or two as well.
Heck, it’s hard to choose a couple of things. It’s all funny. My head is almost exploding just trying to think of a couple of things. There’s too many to choose from.
-- Steve says
“but I used it the other day and it just flowed out of my word hole as smoothly as cake batter in to a bundt pan. ”
…….you’ll kill yourself reading something like that with a bagel in your mouf and pouring in ice tea. My keyboard is wet AGAIN
Thanks for reminding me, Tammie. My dog’s pucker and girly bits desperately need a shave, and I’m running out of wet wipes to take care of any hangers-on before they’re smeared on my sofa pillows while I’m out. I’m half tempted to just give her a wax so it’ll last longer.
hot fuzz says
sorry about that Steve…
I figured if I’m going to screw around while I should be “working” that I should put some effort in to it…. no half assed efforts – full assed efforts only!!!
How Nostrils can absolutely Dominate a shitter. That and Dooshenozzle
-- Steve says
I’ll buy beers for Jeff for that video of the fat woman / flipping cigarette – and pay good money for the video of Brynhildr waxing her dog’s ass
My dog has a bleached asshole.
hot fuzz says
My god I can hear the poor thing yelping from here. Make it stop.
If comments are fair game for the book I would nominate the “I fuck cheese” story. With permission of course.
Drug Delivery Guy says
– “my tiny Duke head ”
– “had to piss like Man O’ War”
– “have a zit on my nose the size of a cert”
– I farted and “it sounded like an ocean liner had pulled into the harbor”
Oh, hell, just print out the website, slap a cover on it and call it day. I’ll buy it.
As for Kay-isms, “sweet-sainted mother of…” is a definite. As are “doucheketeer” and “dormancy platform”
These are my favorites too. My favorite mother was “Sweet-sainted mother of Britney Spears”. I also love Black Lips Houlihan. Any and all of the N&N stories are treasures.
U_W, without a doubt, the “I fuck cheese” comment was my favorite of all time. Fucking hysterical.
Kelly from Iowa says
One of my favorite lines is, “I don’t give a seahorse-shaped shitlet”. I’ve used it, I admit.
Some stories I’ll never forget that do not include N&N:
The “special citizen” at the restaurant ordering a salad. When he was asked what kind of dressing he wanted, he yelled “CREAMY CHEESE! CREAMY CHEESE!”
Also, some hilarious story a long time ago about a wispy-mustached, over-weight teen and his mom at a checkout counter. The checkout girl was gorgeous and this teen nerd broke into a full English accent to impress her. Then some visual of him running out into the woods with a wizard outfit on or something.
Andy’s yard crullers!!
Has anyone brought up “smelled like a vagina full of bad decisions”? Do I remember Jeff saying he got it from someone else?
That even made my overly PC wife laugh. Definitely one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in text.
the stories about why Jeff won’t take a deuce in public restrooms…
also the “echoes of people coughing, and sounds of someone trying to get that last bit of mustard out of the bottle” in the bathroom by Jeff’s office.
Mr. Ridiculous says
Got an e-mail from another surf reporter asking me about Mr. Tophat. It was once sentance in a VIP update. I have quoted the section to have it make sense.
“Then the transparent children acted out some sort of convoluted and disturbing scene with their LEGO characters. The oldest, as usual, dominated. He was cranking off a series of terrifying voices, sometimes layered as if several people were talking at once. It was scary as hell, like the phone calls in the original Black Christmas.
He kept shouting about someone called “Mr. Tophat,” and grew angrier and angrier at this fictional character, until his face was blood-red.
@JDL – the vagina full of bad decisions was me, i only claim it because it was brush with comedic greatness!!!
Any N&N and Sunshine and Mumbles works for me! I just reread the Christmas 2002 visit. The series of vignettes will make a great movie. It’s hard to believe that they are not made up!
I love the Sunshine descriptions of Nostrils like this one: “an AC/DC, hotel/motel, goddamn ball-baby bitch.”
living in the upper perogie belt…
Sponge, on May 7th, 2010 at 11:48 am Said:
“Any N&N and Sunshine and Mumbles works for me! I just reread the Christmas 2002 visit. The series of vignettes will make a great movie. ”
You know, that reminds me. Most people have seen the movie “A Christmas Story”. Each of the little sub-plots is a story previously told by Jean Shepherd on his radio show: the dogs getting the turkey, the Hubcap Incident, the decoder ring, etc. All these were separate, unrelated stories which were later woven together into a cohesive narrative. I’d wager that a similar treatment could be applied to Jeff’s rich inventory of stories, especially the N+N subcategory.
Just a thought for the next book, unless that’s already the basis of this one.
FIRST MY SYMPATHIES: Having just finished the copy-editing phase of my book, I have deep empathy for you. They don’t tell you that (even with help from your peeps) book writing is like passing a chunk of unobtanium through the meatus.
MUST-HAVE quotes: I really think it all comes down to ensuring that you include, “giant cicada shell smoking a cigaretteand drinking a gin & tonic,” and “woman pushing a wheelchair with what looked like a human fetus strapped to it.” Get those two quotes in (preferably with visuals on the cover) and I’m buying one for every one of my friends (both of them).
My favorite quote is “she looked at me like I had a cat turd pinned to my shirt”. I said that to my girlfriend once and she almost died from choking on her diet coke.
rules of thumb!!!!
Years ago I landed on your site via an email that had a link to the (devilish) cargoyle story. I have been reading the Surf Report now and again and you always make me laugh out loud.
The Rules of Thumb always pop-up in my head whenever I get a CD in my hands with a band on or near railroad tracks and as a result, I get funny looks from other shoppers.
Then there’s the word “Crapola” which leads my mind to the story where you were in the basement confronted with the fatal combination of younglings crapability and a broken toilet infrastructure.
Lastly, having an affair and telling the world you’re seeing a Revlon model in NYC, I think is top shelf!
Keep it up!