A few days ago Toney and I were talking about Hogan’s Heroes, and how amazing it is that such a show was ever on the air. Especially just twenty short years after World War II ended, when most of the survivors were still alive and kicking.
I mean, a sitcom about Nazis? It seems improbable to me. But I guess 1965 was a different era, huh? Apparently the paint stirrer of righteousness wasn’t so firmly inserted in our collective ass at that point?
Indeed, if someone were to pitch such an idea for a show today, I have a feeling they’d be run out of town, and branded “dangerous.”
Sure, the German characters on that program were cartoonish buffoons, but they were running… a Nazi war camp.
How are we to know Colonel Klink wasn’t gassing Jews off-screen, or ordering gays into the oven? What’s to say Sergeant Schultz wasn’t in charge of maintaining an orderly mass grave operation, and was known for his ability to keep the skulls from getting mixed-up with the femurs?
Heck, I think Hitler himself even appeared in a couple of episodes. Well, not the real Hitler, I don’t think he did much TV work, but an actor portraying him. And if there’s one thing that’s just flat-out shit-your-pants funny, it’s Adolph Hitler. Right?
Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with Hogan’s Heroes. I’m a big fan of finding humor in all the wrong places. I just think the whole thing’s amazing, that the show was on the air and people didn’t raise nine brands of hell about it.
What do you think would be a comparable premise for a modern-day sitcom? A laugh-out-loud comedy about Hurricane Katrina? A zany romp through the Oklahoma City bombing? Two completely different characters, one a slob and the other a neat freak, trapped in the north tower of the World Trade Center?
Help me out, won’t you? Let’s build a new Hogan’s Heroes for 2009.
Also, what other old TV shows would never make it on the air nowadays? I can think of a few, without putting too much effort into it. But I’ll let you guys handle this one. Use the comments.
And I think you might be right… J.J. and Michael isn’t going to cut it. I thought of it at work a few nights ago, near the end of a 10 hour shift, and thought it was a fantastic idea. But now that I’ve gotten some distance from it, I realize I probably just needed some sleep.
I’ll work on it some more. But for the time being, our kids will remain the Secrets here. And maybe that’s what I’ll keep calling ’em. Screw it, I’m losing interest in the whole exercise.
I almost used the word “duress” up above, instead of “need some sleep.” And it reminds me of a story…
When I worked at Peaches Records, in Greensboro, I was the buyer for CBS products — now known as Sony. Near the front of the store was a large dump-bin, where we’d sell LPs and cassettes at 2 (or 3) for $9.99. We’d sometimes have WEA product in there, or Capitol, or Polygram, or whatever major label we were featuring.
One day the store director told me to write up an order for an upcoming CBS sale. At the time, a dance group called Club Nouveau was having a big hit with the old song “Lean on Me.” The original artist was Bill Withers, and his records were released through CBS. So I bought a full box of his greatest hits, on both vinyl and cassette.
And Jeff, the director, almost dropped a plate when the product arrived. He kept screaming at me: “Are you under duress?! Why’d you buy all that shit?? Bill Withers?! We couldn’t sell fifty copies in ten years! Seriously, are you under duress??”
But I’d show him. “Lean on Me” was hot stuff, and the original would fly off the shelves. I just knew it. And he’d have to apologize, when my superior purchasing instincts were revealed. Over time I’d be proven right, and Jeff would have to admit it!
Yeah, we didn’t sell any of them…
And for the rest of my life the word “duress” will take me back to yet another humiliation from my ridiculous past. Oh, there are plenty of humiliation triggers, and they come fast and furious.
For three days in May I’m going to an undisclosed location, with no TV or internet or cell phone service. The goal will be to spend at least ten hours per day working on my so-called book. I need to make some real progress on that thing; I’m starting to panic.
I try to write at the library, but it’s the loudest place in town. An old man, shaped like a lower-case r, is always hanging around in there, shout-talking about politics. And the joint is constantly lousy with teenagers, who whisper louder than I talk.
Working at home, for any extended periods, is difficult as well. The phone never stops ringing, and there’s more electronics running wide-open, than at the local Best Buy.
The book needs to be a minimum of 50,000 words, and at the rate I’m going, I’ll be dead several years before it’s finished. I’m feeling the need to put in some concentrated effort, hence the undisclosed location.
Afterward, I’ll tell you where it is, but not now. A clue: it’s less than ten miles from our house, and the cost will be a total of $99. Heh. It’s some weird shit, but hopefully it’ll pay off.
Any guesses?
And I’m going to stop right here. It’s a beautiful day outside (not so much inside), and I think I’m going to go for a long walk. I need to hoist myself off the riffle.
No update tomorrow, I’m afraid. But I have something mildly amusing planned for mockable. So, be sure to keep checking it. Today’s update is live now, and you can read it here.
Have a great weekend, children.
I’ll be back on Monday.
The best thing about Hogan’s Heroes was finding out after it that Bob Crane was a kinky sex addict, and died under some very odd circumstances.
If the show has to portray a horrendous, world shattering event from 20 years ago, yet in a humorous light???? Hmmm, how about, “Hanson, Making of the Band.”
My Mom went to High School with Werner Klemperer’s first wife. He would not sign onto the show unless he was guaranteed that the Nazis would always be portrayed as bumbling buffoons.
I would have suggested making a factual account of the Jessica Lynch story…but Pauly Shore made pretty much the same movie with “In The Army Now.” (I’m not poking fun at Jessica, but it is just that there are a lot of similarities between the two stories.)
Dogberryjr, if we remade The Waltons, I’d replace the Baldwin sisters with Mr White and Jesse from Breaking Bad.
My grandmother looked EXACTLY like General Burkhalter with longer hair.
My “Bill Withers” gaff was an Angela Bofill release. She was pretty much over the hill in popularity, but I ordered 25 pieces anyway, just to be sure. They all sat in the rack unsold until we sent them back to the distributors as returns, and all the guys at the store teased me about it as long as I worked there.
How about a Che Guevara comedy?
It could be called “CHE?”
“Oh no, you mean the two guys I just executed weren’t gay?” Wahwahwahwahwaaaaaaaaahhh (comically sad trombone sound)
I’m thinking the secrets should be called Jake and elroy!
I didn’t see the movie, but I’d say Harold and Kumar escape from Git-Mo, just as a premise, has got to be on par with Hogan’s Heroes for inappropriate comedy that somebody got away with.
$33 a night — some kinda rental cabin w/electricity?
Okay, here’s the premise: Two young rich jewish New York-born and bred wall street broker/banker types lose their jobs when their firm goes bankrupt. So wanting to try something completely different, they sink all their savings into a nice little kosher deli in Israel, sight unseen. The only problem is that when they actually get there, it’s in a dusty rundown settlement in the West Bank. Because they used all of their savings, they have no choice but to try and make a go of it. Hilarity and touching lessons on life ensue as they deal daily with their zany cast of jew-hating arab/palestinian neighbors. All rights reserved by me, of course.
We are living in the age of hypersensitivity. I blame a lot of it on the public school system and boomer parents. They sure are soft emotionally these days.
People were able to “roll with it” back in the day. You could joke about things without people demanding apologies, filing lawsuits or wanting to put a cap in your ass.
All In The Family would never fly in 2009.
Jeff,
Perhaps your “Undisclosed Location” is the world famous Archibald Pothole, or maybe Steamtown, or perhaps the Scranton Iron Furnaces, all of which are pretty quiet since they have govt. money keeping them afloat and havent seen an actual visitor since 1998. anywys, good luck w/ your project and I hope it doesnt suck.
In today’s bizarro world of hollywood the show would be ‘abu ghrab heroes’ and the bubbling baffoons would be the US Military and the cunning crack-ups would be the ‘misunderstood’ muslims sneaking out of the jail to plant IED’s and poison our ‘Pork and beans’
@Bill in PA, Schrute farms indeed…the reviews are almost as funny as this site
The bear, beets and Battlestar Gallactica as mention by Knucklehead is piss your pants funny. I also liked this one…
“I have to warn people about the proprietor of Shrute Farms – he may portray himself as a gentleman farmer, but he is not what he seems!
He killed my cat, sprinkles!!!
Who knows what he might do to you or your loved ones….”
I don’t think Mr. Kay is going to get any work done there.
Hey, Jeff, what’s wrong with Paul and John?
I felt really odd when I was in Germany and a rerun of Hogan’s Heroes came on, dubbed in German, of course. I wonder if they changed any of the dialogue to make it more politically correct, German style!
Undisclosed location: The bar at the end of the brewery tour.
Holy Crap in a Bundt Pan Jeff – you made LifeHacker …
http://lifehacker.com/5214891/avoid-unhealthy-junk-with-a-fast+food-reality-check
You are a funny person. Enjoyed your post.
However, I think in today’s tell-all, anything-goes society, virtually nothing is taboo on TV. Just because a show might generate a bunch of negative tweets, blogs, and other easily created digital “hot air”, doesn’t mean it ain’t gonna get aired (no such thing as bad publicity in show business…unless you’re Mel Gibson).
In fact, I can’t remember the last show that was canned for offensive content. South Park, though controversial, rarely pulled punch. Everyone and everything has been fair game. If it can earn a buck, it’s gettin’ air time.
The Gong Show would NEVER make it these days. I loved that show!!!
Poo the Gong show is back! It’s on Comedy Central! but it’s a sad copy of the original! without Chuck Barris its just not the same!
When I was kid there were Bugs Bunny cartoons that had Hitler in them getting goofed on by old Bugs. And there were Swastikas all over the place. They don’t show those anymore.
Interestingly the 3 Stooges had an episode where Moe was Hitler in WW2 and he and the rest of the Stooges were Jewish in real life.
Here’ some sit-com’s I have ‘in the can’ as they say in the business.
I Love Loosley
The Dick and Dyke Show
We Bitched
The New Family Affair… featruing Lester the Molester
Honey and the Mooners
My Favorite Martini
Northern Exposer
Green Fakers (a mad-cap counterfeit ring staring all your familiar characters)
I have been working with my business associate, “Tony the Stink” (aka “The Cheese Merchant”), and he feels there should be “noooo problem gettin’ ’round that FCC bullshit”.
“I Love LOOSELY” ..%*&#@&*^%$ >——CRAP!!!!!!!!
What a frigging buzz kill >————> CRAP!!!!!!!!
I would totally watch “I Love Loosely”!
Ok, just googled I Love Loosely and besides an article about a woman who just had a big baby and wanted to know if her cavernous vag would shrink back i found this sluttly halloween costume. http://www.zoogstercostumes.com/products/sh7619.html
I’m thinking “odd couple” in Dafar.
you rented a cabin at that place nearby…..how much beer should we bring?
@Mr Neutron – I did not mean to imply that Ronnie was the cause of the fall. I just meant that he would be a fun cameo, after all these years. Apologies to Nancy.
I posted this at the site that stole foods-vs.-reality:
First of all, while the author does reference “pictures courtesy of…” at the end of the post, he/she doesn’t mention that he/she has plagiarized the whole idea and concept of the original post…which happens to be better written and much funnier.
-If any of you have seen the real (original) foods-vs.-reality page, you should understand that the real author simply bought the food (mostly as take out), unwrapped it and photographed it. No tricks, no squishing, no special lighting, no agenda.
-Anyone who mentioned “lighting” or “you need a photographer” or “posted the worst pic” or “made them look bad” is missing the whole point. And is a douche.
-Props to those that admit working in fast food establishments and defend their work. An honest days (crappy) work for an honest days (crappy) pay is a life lesson that everyone should learn and be proud of.
-Anyone who mentioned “english speaking” or “fat content” or “calories” is missing the point. And is a douche.
I appologize in advance to Jeff if this was inappropriate but I couldn’t stand by while this idiot stole your idea and his/her vinegar butt smelling followers “debated” about your lighting technique…
Well put, Kevindust!
kevindust as you so wisely pointed out they are douches so naturally the vinegar butt smell comes with the job:)
Death to douches and Tom Cruise!
speaking of which,
I just douched too…
Good Night Surf Reporters..
Just a note about Hogan’s Heroes — did you know that at least one, and maybe two, of the original cast members had themselves been in Nazi prison camps? I am certain that the Frenchman who played LeBeau had been held in a Nazi WWII prison camp during the war, and I think (but can’t confirm online) that the man who played Colonel Klink had actually been in a concentration camp. I really don’t think I’m making that up, because if I remember correctly, the guy made the producers promise that Klink would always be a total buffoon, because he found it therapeutic to play this Nazi as a complete dumb-ass. Can anybody confirm this?
As crazy as Hogan’s Heroes was, I’ve always figured if THOSE guys were good with it, I guess we can let it roll.
I just watched the Munsters. That show would never be made today. Someone would blame it for making them into cutters (kids that cut themselves). Al Lewis loved blood letting.
Also, how could a Frankenstein and a Vampire have a wolfman son?
CBS I hate to break it to you but Lilly slept arond!
Hey Tyrosine, I had an Uncle (dead now) who was a supply officer in charge of distributing food to the survivors of several of the Nazi death camps. The one and only time he talked to me about them was way back in the early 70’s. He said they had no clue what they were doing when they first got there and they killed more by giving them whatever they wanted to eat. Their bodies couldnt’ handle it. Finally they learned that they had to ease them back to the very basics of nutrition. The visions of it haunted him. I don’t think he enjoyed Hogan’s Heroes one bit.
Here’s Klink’s Wikipedia bio:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Werner_Klemperer
He spent WWII “touring the Pacific entertaining the troops.” That would be the U.S. troops, not the Nazis.
Yo,
Forgive me, but as an occassional visitor and only a peruser of the comments, I’m a bit confused about Mockable. Are you actually writing those articles? If so, congratulations! Also, I think you should get credit instead of being one of ‘the mockables’.
its hitler’s 120`th bday
April
the 28th is when, he and eva got married.
he also killed himself 2 days before ther anny.
good times
@tiff – dammit I’m a little late on this but, no wait, that was my ex’s line. “Any show that requires script writing, decent acting, a plot line, and even a whiff of real humor wouldn’t make it onto today’s reality-show-ridden sad excuse for network television.”
You haven’t watched a episode of “Two and Half Men” yet. It’s like the Odd couple with a kid. Charlie Sheen and John Cryer are just hilarious and Angus Jones is like everyones teenage boy. There is hope for TV if they keep coming up with material of this calibre.