Toney and I used to work with a creepy little booger-eater in Atlanta, who is the main character in two stories we repeat on a semi-regular basis. And for years neither of us could remember his name.
He worked in the same building as we did, for a long time, but nobody ever had much to do with him. In fact, I don’t think I ever said a word to that beady-eyed weirdo.
He had curly Art Garfunkel hair, and the beginnings of an Art Garfunkel hairline, to go along with it. And he walked around making you think, “Yeah, there’s more going on there than meets the eye. That sumbitch probably has a squirrel circus happening inside his head.”
The two stories are good ones…
Across from where we worked was a small sandwich shop. It was on the other side of Fulton Industrial Boulevard, which is a high-traffic road. Tractor trailers would constantly be zipping up and down, and crossing that street on foot was something along the lines of the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan.
But people did it anyway, including myself. I’d go out there and wait for an opening, say a quick prayer, take off running across two lanes, and do the same thing from the median. On more than one occasion I felt a four foot-tall mirror whiz past my head at 70 mph, and vowed never to do it again. And I wouldn’t… until the next time.
One day that ferret-faced freak drove over there, got his lunch, forgot he’d driven, and walked back to the office.
And when he got off work at 4:30, he thought his car had been stolen. He called the police, and was reportedly beside himself with anxiety. I heard he was pacing around, muttering gibberish, and on the verge of a full-breakdown. When somebody tried to console him, he lashed-out like a crazy person.
The cops promised to find his car, but one of our co-workers found it first: the next day, when he went for a hotdog. The thing was still parked where he’d left it, at the samlich shop. Heh.
And, as you might expect (especially in Georgia), the dude was mocked unmercifully, for weeks on end.
Another time, a couple years later, somebody opened one of the stall doors in the men’s room, and the budding Garfunkel was in there–
You know, I’m kind of bored with all the standard terms, and don’t really want to use them again. So I’m going to try to come up with a few new ones, if you don’t mind. He was in there pummeling the pipe, waxing the cucumber, punishing the prisoner, varnishing the spindle, looking for Cheers with the universal remote…
The person who caught him in the act immediately reported the news to everyone he came in contact with, and they responded in kind. I think all this happened before email, but electronics couldn’t have helped spread the word any faster.
Within minutes everyone in the building knew about it, including a couple of truck drivers out on C Dock, and the guy making a Chinese food delivery to the folks in advertising.
I think that finally did him in. I can’t remember for sure, but it seems like it was the final nail in that poor bastard’s coffin. He’d made it through the “stolen” car episode, but this was simply too much to withstand.
Well, to be more precise, I think it was the weak defense he offered, that really sealed the deal… He told everyone he wasn’t doing what they thought (shining the candlestick, giving the dog a pill), but was, in fact, “relaxing.”
This explanation was so nonsensical and confusing, it only made matters worse. I can still hear the peals of laughter, and have no doubt he can, as well. Wherever he is.
And I’d be willing to bet real money there are pockets of the Atlanta metro area where men still yell at each other inside bathrooms: “Hey, what are you doing in there, relaxing?”
Anyway, it’s probably been ten years since Toney or I could come up with his name. And last night, for reasons unknown, it suddenly popped into my head. I wasn’t even thinking about him, his name and face just materialized in my mind.
It was Richard B. I don’t want to tell you his full last name, for obvious reasons. But it appeared, clear as could be, with no prompting whatsoever.
Do you think he died at that very moment, or something? Is it possible everybody who made fun of the guy thought of him at the exact same time? Yeah, probably not…
I’ll leave you now with several semi-related Questions.
Have you ever worked with a person who did something so humiliating they ended up leaving the company because of it? This can include Christmas parties, needless to say.
Also, have you ever caught somebody, you know, polishing the silver? I don’t think I have anything to offer on this one; I’m drawing a blank (not a euphemism). What about you? Tell us about it in the comments.
And finally, can you help me come up with some new phrases for that activity? The same ones are used over and over again, and it’s time for a refresh. Even the ones that are supposedly wacky and out-there have been heard by everyone, roughly ten thousand times. So help me out, won’t you? Original creations only, please.
Now I’m going to link to the t-shirt order page, once again. Right here. The shirts themselves should be in my Costanza-hands in about a week, and the mail shortly thereafter. So, order away! ‘Tis the season for pissed-off, leaping catfish!!
And since I’m whorin’ myself… please remember to enter the Amazon site through one of our links, if you’re planning to do some holiday shopping there. It’s a painless way to support the Surf Report.
And if you’re a music nut, like me, here’s a nice place to start. The 2 CDs for $10 deal is especially good; I’m gonna hit that one myself. It’s not just a load of crapola, as you might expect.
See you guys tomorrow.
Good Afternoon Surf Reporters!!!
Haven’ caught anyone relaxing themselves yet, but the girlfriend’s secret just turned 13, so its only a matter of time…
Top 10 ? No Way!!!!! now I’ll go back & read it:)
4
On tv last night, I think the show is “Worst Week” They called it Punching the Clown! Guy was caught punching it by a priest. Pretty funny.
first?
Top Ten! It’s been a while…
The place: English class in a junior high school in a small Utahn town.
The year: 1999, 9th grade.
My classmates and I were listening to a lecture on “To Kill A Mockingbird” when I noticed that a classmate, (from here on referred to as Tyson) seemed… distracted. I noticed him gazing longingly into the distance… or so it seemed.
Closer examination yielded that he was gazing longingly at the cleavage of one of the cheerleaders sitting opposite the room from him, and his shoulder was moving.
A quick check yielded evidence that Tyson was busy Booing his Radley. Was I going to be a decent person and let him carry on? Hell no.
Was I going to subtly inform the rest of the class that Tyson was busy Harris-ing his Dill? Hell yes.
I leaned over to one of my friends and told them the assignment that Tyson was working on. Said friend was not so subtle, and promptly yelled “Hey, guys, Tyson’s jackin’ it!”
In shock, Tyson stood up and his Bob Ewell was hanging out, confirming what everyone said.
Everyone called him “Captain Jack” from there on out.
Caught “smugly posting in the top 10” – there’s a certain wankiness to that.
Top Ten – not as good as 1st, but I’ll take it.
Happy Thanksgiving JK and fellow Surfers!
Missed it by that much…
I’ve been caught 621 times polishing the purple-headed yogurt slinger. Working on 622.
Harassing Herman the one-eyed German.
Petting the one-eyed toothless pocket weasel.
Was Richard B. any relation to Nostrils or the Translucent’s long lost uncle? Seems like they’re always floggin’, spankin’, chokin’, punchin’, polishin’, etc.
i used to ride the NYC city subways. so yes. often.
i’m more interested in what two for $10 deal you’re going for. My guesses:
marty robbins ballads and the soundtrack to annie…
and i think “booing the radley” is pretty good…
Names for that activity:
Filing the tax return
Shifting into gear
Whittling soap
Going blind… slowly, one day at a time
Shaking the baby
I’ve got more, but the inane-ness is killing me.
Have a good one, Surfers!
My previous employer is a multi million dollar privately owned company. During a Christmas party (before it was re-named the end-of-the-year-celebration) back about 7-8 years ago, a Logistics Supervisor who was clearly intoxicated, went right up to the President/CEO/Owner and greeted her by firmly palming her breasts. He was off “sick” for the next two work days…he returned on the third day claiming he must have been drugged by someone (probably himself?) He was soon asked to leave permanently but the story lives on.
“Drafting to the Finish Line”
Did all the rockers remember to pick up Chinese Democracy on the weekend?
Top 20!
(self) Pant Spelunking?
Churning the butter (bar)? (is that original? i never heard it that I know of)
Booing the Radley is good.
Drawing the blanks? U said it Kay. Funny
TS
Punishing Pinky and the Brain.
Knocking the cheese off old nasty.
Brandishing the broadsword
Tappin’ the keg
Applying Updates
That’s funny as hell…..I can not believe that guy did not quit on the spot How f’ing embarasing getting caught in the act of “milking the one eyed snake”. LMAO!
darn it! Have to get the kid to the Orthodontist and I can’t leave my comments. I have a few jewels.
Putting a little punky on the brewster
Further Evidence-
I propose that we come up with things to do with Ingrid’s nose after she vacates the Earth. Maybe PETA can ship her schnoz to Antarctica so the polar bears can burrow in it.
Okay, had to stop reading and comment right after I read teh part about “the sumbitch probably has a squirrel circus happening inside his head.” Oh man,I can’t get that image out of my head, because I’ve worked with people exactly like that.
Jeff, I hope you haven’t copyrighted that phrase, because I’m going to be using it a lot!
The girl that formerly held my current position, and her skanky mother got all drunk (again!) at the Company Christmas party and were dancing on the bar with their skirts above their heads. Surprisingly she still kept her job. Until she quit and couple years later. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that their are only 3 women working in a building full of a couple hundred men.
Oh and I’ve only caught one person doing the herky jerky, some old guy at the mall, wearing a trench coat and nothing else. Scarred my 13 year old self for years.
9th or 10th grade, this kid was just a normal guy, someone everyone was friendly with. The story goes he was playing with himself in the tub, and put some ring type device over his turgid member. Despite the soap and such, the ring stuck on. He turned blue, told his folks and had to go to the emergency room to have it (the ring) cut off. From that day on to this very minute he was known as “Ring-Ding”. His last 2 years of school were pure hell.
I’m glad you asked Kristin…
At the top of my 2 fer $10 CD list will be the remastered version of London Calling, aka The Greatest Album Ever Recorded. My copy is the original and shitty premastered version. If I can upgrade for five bucks, count me in.
Also, there’s lots of 1960s Bob Dylan on there, as well as some guilty pleasures — like the first two Boston albums.
And they’ve got classic albums by the Who, 1970s Elton John, Tom Waits, etc. etc. I’m gonna buy a metric shitload of ’em. Oh yeah. I can feel the sickness ramping-up.
And how about “desilking the cob?” Is that one any good?
At summer camp when I was 16, I caught two girls in bed – one head was under the covers – one not. Give me some good names for that, Jeff. LOL
Today’s update begged for Jeff to link to an oldie but a goodie. Long time readers will remember the “semen meter” that Jeff linked to years ago. You input your age and when you started “spanking the monkey” (sorry Jeff) and it gave you an estimation of how long your “trail” would be. Good clean fun!!
Wow. Woooowwww. I can’t say I have ever seen or heard of anyone doing that where I work, and I have seen some strange things here (I work at a university). The closest I have seen was walking past a motel exterior window I guy was spanking mr. happy in full view and when he saw us he pressed it to the window. In front of me and my (then) six year old.
What did they do for Ring-Ding at the hospital, Joe? Show him a picture of Madeleine Albright, and send him on his way?
I think I had too much coffee today…
Magaret Thatcher on a cold winters night!!
my shop teacher would always yell “quit pulling your goalie” whenever he caught us standing around doing nothing.
doddridge county high school,west union,wv
1971
top floor boys rest room
jimmy s. earned the nickname thumper
even mrs r. the crabby biology teacher from hell called him that
Jeff – I had my eye on London Calling as well. I think Tom Waits is also calling my name. I’m sorry, but is there a reason men don’t use the handy dandy little lock that is included on most stall doors? And if there was no lock on that particular stall, I’d hope that would kind of make someone, i.e., Richard B, to think that perhaps this is not the stall for this particular activity.
Lived with two other guys in a house during college, one of the roommates and I went behind the house to smoke, since the third guy wouldn’t let us smoke in the house and bitched about everything that went on in the house. We peeked through the slits of the blinds to his room and saw him sitting in a chair, nude from the waist down, with one leg propped up on the desk rubbing one out. I wanted to bang on the glass, but we decided not to say anything to him since his parents owned the home and he was always threatened to kick us out.
Never caught anyone slappin’ the goose but my ex worked at a restaurant with a girl who was a hostess. Very pretty but… She came to work one day, parked and actually *left the car running for her entire shift*. When she discovered what she had done, she was practically in hysterics worrying about what her husband would say about it. I asked her why she would even bother to tell him (I would have been too embarassed) and she said, and I quote, “But you don’t understand! It’s a lease and I have no idea how many miles I just put on it!”
Everyone then started calling her Zippy and she didn’t last long after that.
One night during my freshman year of college I returned to my dorm room very late and turned on a small desk lamp so as not to wake my roommate while I got ready for bed. I looked over at his bed to see if the light had waken him up and he was passed out with his cock in his hand, mid-baiting. I never said a word about it.
There was this lady, Dorothy, that worked in a construction office with me. We were eating lunch in the kitchen, about four of us, and she walked over to the microwave then bent herself over at the waist and had a “farting spell”. I’ve never seen anything like it. She blasted off four or five farts in a quick burst then she shat herself. You could see the stain in the back of her tight white pants. She held her stomach and hit the door. Never heard from her again. She didn’t even come for her last pay check, we ended up mailing it to her.
I’ve never caught anyone whacking off. The only original term I can think of is “skiing with one pole” and it’s not very good. Is “tanning the snakeskin” original? I have nothing.
One handed taffy pull
OMG CC! Dying about the mileage story! Too funny…
Okay — Here’s my story about a jerk-off. I was about 15 and walking down the side of the road in Indiana and there was what looked like a bridge abutement that was way old and no longer supported anything. I think I was on my way to the swimming hole– and you remember that I did a lot of walking along the side of the road as a kid. Anyway, leaning up against the side of the abutement was a guy doing his thing. I bust a gut laughing. It was absurd to me that anyone would do that outside, in broad daylight, 8-10 feet off of a road. It still makes me giggle. I do not recall what the guy looked like– I would say early 20s, maybe, and I don’t even remember what his thingy looked like. I think as a girl it was like an alien thought that you’d do that in public…
I did know a girl who was called “candlestick”– I never knew why though.
Did anyone else recognize Art G’s head before Jeff started talking about Richard’s resemblance?
Had something else; can’t remember it right now. (Mumbles to self.)
I recognized Art’s head right off. He looks just like my FED-EX delivery guy.
Okay. Remembered what else I had:
“Do you think he died at that very moment, or something? Is it possible everybody who made fun of the guy thought of him at the exact same time?”
This is my one and only “ghost” story.
I was away at college and had a dream one night about this boy who had Hodgkin’s and was in my class with his twin sister who I was very close to. In my dream he apologized for refusing to be my prom date– (I’ll tell you why another time). And then I woke up.
He’d had a relapse and passed away– my friend who still lived at home called and told me a few days later.
So maybe…
Hey Jason!
Anybody know if:
Boots Of Spanish Leather
by Bob Dylan sounds like Boots of Chinese Plastic??
(Pretenders)
harumpa – we used to call folks candlestick because they weren’t too bright