Toney and I used to work with a creepy little booger-eater in Atlanta, who is the main character in two stories we repeat on a semi-regular basis. And for years neither of us could remember his name.
He worked in the same building as we did, for a long time, but nobody ever had much to do with him. In fact, I don’t think I ever said a word to that beady-eyed weirdo.
He had curly Art Garfunkel hair, and the beginnings of an Art Garfunkel hairline, to go along with it. And he walked around making you think, “Yeah, there’s more going on there than meets the eye. That sumbitch probably has a squirrel circus happening inside his head.”
The two stories are good ones…
Across from where we worked was a small sandwich shop. It was on the other side of Fulton Industrial Boulevard, which is a high-traffic road. Tractor trailers would constantly be zipping up and down, and crossing that street on foot was something along the lines of the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan.
But people did it anyway, including myself. I’d go out there and wait for an opening, say a quick prayer, take off running across two lanes, and do the same thing from the median. On more than one occasion I felt a four foot-tall mirror whiz past my head at 70 mph, and vowed never to do it again. And I wouldn’t… until the next time.
One day that ferret-faced freak drove over there, got his lunch, forgot he’d driven, and walked back to the office.
And when he got off work at 4:30, he thought his car had been stolen. He called the police, and was reportedly beside himself with anxiety. I heard he was pacing around, muttering gibberish, and on the verge of a full-breakdown. When somebody tried to console him, he lashed-out like a crazy person.
The cops promised to find his car, but one of our co-workers found it first: the next day, when he went for a hotdog. The thing was still parked where he’d left it, at the samlich shop. Heh.
And, as you might expect (especially in Georgia), the dude was mocked unmercifully, for weeks on end.
Another time, a couple years later, somebody opened one of the stall doors in the men’s room, and the budding Garfunkel was in there–
You know, I’m kind of bored with all the standard terms, and don’t really want to use them again. So I’m going to try to come up with a few new ones, if you don’t mind. He was in there pummeling the pipe, waxing the cucumber, punishing the prisoner, varnishing the spindle, looking for Cheers with the universal remote…
The person who caught him in the act immediately reported the news to everyone he came in contact with, and they responded in kind. I think all this happened before email, but electronics couldn’t have helped spread the word any faster.
Within minutes everyone in the building knew about it, including a couple of truck drivers out on C Dock, and the guy making a Chinese food delivery to the folks in advertising.
I think that finally did him in. I can’t remember for sure, but it seems like it was the final nail in that poor bastard’s coffin. He’d made it through the “stolen” car episode, but this was simply too much to withstand.
Well, to be more precise, I think it was the weak defense he offered, that really sealed the deal… He told everyone he wasn’t doing what they thought (shining the candlestick, giving the dog a pill), but was, in fact, “relaxing.”
This explanation was so nonsensical and confusing, it only made matters worse. I can still hear the peals of laughter, and have no doubt he can, as well. Wherever he is.
And I’d be willing to bet real money there are pockets of the Atlanta metro area where men still yell at each other inside bathrooms: “Hey, what are you doing in there, relaxing?”
Anyway, it’s probably been ten years since Toney or I could come up with his name. And last night, for reasons unknown, it suddenly popped into my head. I wasn’t even thinking about him, his name and face just materialized in my mind.
It was Richard B. I don’t want to tell you his full last name, for obvious reasons. But it appeared, clear as could be, with no prompting whatsoever.
Do you think he died at that very moment, or something? Is it possible everybody who made fun of the guy thought of him at the exact same time? Yeah, probably not…
I’ll leave you now with several semi-related Questions.
Have you ever worked with a person who did something so humiliating they ended up leaving the company because of it? This can include Christmas parties, needless to say.
Also, have you ever caught somebody, you know, polishing the silver? I don’t think I have anything to offer on this one; I’m drawing a blank (not a euphemism). What about you? Tell us about it in the comments.
And finally, can you help me come up with some new phrases for that activity? The same ones are used over and over again, and it’s time for a refresh. Even the ones that are supposedly wacky and out-there have been heard by everyone, roughly ten thousand times. So help me out, won’t you? Original creations only, please.
Now I’m going to link to the t-shirt order page, once again. Right here. The shirts themselves should be in my Costanza-hands in about a week, and the mail shortly thereafter. So, order away! ‘Tis the season for pissed-off, leaping catfish!!
And since I’m whorin’ myself… please remember to enter the Amazon site through one of our links, if you’re planning to do some holiday shopping there. It’s a painless way to support the Surf Report.
And if you’re a music nut, like me, here’s a nice place to start. The 2 CDs for $10 deal is especially good; I’m gonna hit that one myself. It’s not just a load of crapola, as you might expect.
See you guys tomorrow.
Be nice, Shiny Rod. ‘Else we’ll find ourselves asking, “Why is his Rod so …?”
Shiny Rod says
harumpa – I already covered that topic *NCSHP*
Shiny Rod says
harumpa – the Dylan tune sounds more like Girl from the North Country
Hailing little Caeser…
Cleaning little Johnny behind the ears…
Shaking hands with the colonel…
I, at one point in my lengthy college career, was stupid enough to live in a townhouse with 3 other guys. I never CAUGHT anyone manually inflating their third leg, but several times I did step into something suspect in the shower.
I did, however, manage to walk in on and be walked in on while having the third leg inflated (manually, orally,, vaginally) by various women with negotiable morals (and evidently standards). And finally, one time I was at a frat party (brotherhood to remain nameless) where I walked in on two dudes orally inflating each other. That was awkward. Must have been those 2 Coors Lights they had downstairs with the rest of the party.
D in Seattle says
When I was a junior in high school, there was a kid at my school who would constantly “relax” in class. It was pretty much common knowledge. I never had a class with him, but a friend of mine said they would get to class a couple minutes early every day and arrange the desks so that “spanky” was pretty much in the middle of an open circle of desks, drawing as much attention to him as possible. Eventually he got caught (more than once I believe), and expelled from the school.
Spanky was also on the soccer team, and that year there was a fake quote by him in the year book. I just flipped through my year book and couldn’t find the quote, but it was something very similar to this:
“Every day at practice, we would just get out on the field and slap balls around. After this year, I can safely say I know a lot about slapping balls around.”
ought to give you some starting material for masturbatory euphemisms, Jeff. There are even some STAR WARS related ones in there!
I’m not brave enough to click on any of them while I’m at work though. I need my job too badly.
I drive a Jeep Wrangler, so I’m a little higher than most. (and I don’t mean that figuratively). I was driving back to SF from visiting a friend in Sacramento one afternoon and innocently looked over to see a guy in a Lexus polishing the Bishop. We locked eyes for a split second and I laughed hysterically and pointed at him. He immediately sped up (the car, that is) and got away from me. Me being the mean spirited person that I am, immediately got on the phone to call the friend I just left to tell him the story, while trying to catch the guy so I could laugh at him some more. I caught up to him but he wouldn’t make eye contact.
That’s all I got
Happy Tuesday, Surfers!
At my last job, one of the people in my department came to WORK stinking drunk. She wound up bouncing off of walls, hugging strangers, and telling coworkers that she ‘loved’ them, all while wearing a hilarioud appliqueed sweatshirt and saggy-ass yoga pants. Stylish!
Her office was emptied that day. Apparently she’d been on the ‘naughty’ radar for a while. Would have LOVED to have been on the management team handling that crazy beetch.
Booing the Radley is pretty original. I have three teenage boys, I’ve started knocking.
T Krafft says
when in military school I walked in on two dudes slapping their step sisters together- it was so weird i didnt even know how to react other than walk backwards out the door i came in
knucklehead– I am with you on the laughing hysterically. Why do us girls find that so funny?
For the boys we call it
“Winking the willy”
For the girls its
“Wallying the Beave”
I have no Idea why?
My friend’s mom also called private parts
“Florence Henderson” as in “Did you wash your Florence Henderson?”
I did not recognize that head as Art Garfunkel. First, I thought of Richard Simmons, then immediately guessed it to be Larry Fine (Three Stooges).
My dad calls it “beating the snot out of it.”
I am reminded of an incident at work years ago. One of my coworkers came out of the men’s room saying “someone is jacking off in one of the stalls”. Word got around quickly and the bathroom door became the center of attention in the office. About 20 minutes later this guy who was always a general pain in the ass came out. We all cheered and nicknamed him “Spanky”. Unfortunately our constant abuse didn’t cause him to leave. Had to put up with him for several more years.
Did 4 yrs on a submarine…showers were called the “pud lockers”. To this day, when I hear a shower running I get an erection, heh.
Once, while underway, someone was waking the oncoming watch section, pulled back the bunk curtain and there was someone cuffing his carrot. Ol’ boy doing the nasty just looked at the fellow and said “do you mind?”, pulled the curtain back and continued to complete the transaction.
Euphemisms for men
and euphemisms for the ladies:
it’s not snot… it’s bastard batter
Tony Tony Tony says
Installing windows Vista
listing your house on the market
voting for the lesser of two evils
reading the surf report
challenging a guy to a game of checkers but he only has chinese checkers and you tell him that’s not real checkers and he says it is so you storm off and go home and write about how stupid chinese checkers is on your blog
Butthead once used the term “corralling the tadpoles”
Mr Neutron says
I heard an Air Force buddy once call it “giving himself a dishonorable discharge”
I knew it was Art Garfunkel’s head.
Knucklehead – What the hell is it with men on 101 getting that done? I saw that myself years ago – oh, wait, no, it was a guy having it done orally by some woman, but still…
@gino inane-ness = inanity
Here’s one for Jeff..
Making a mayonnaise hotdog..
I’ve never caught anyone; for some reason, I’m always the guy they walk in on. You’d think I’d learn to lock the door.
Okay. You’d think I’d learn to shut the door.
Anyway, I found this humorous:
harumpa, on November 25th, 2008 at 2:16 pm Said:
darn it! Have to get the kid to the Orthodontist and I can’t leave my comments. I have a few jewels.
I think “Taking the kid to the Orthodontist” has a nice ring to it.
Alice in WV says
Tony Tony Tony – funny funny funny!
my friend and I were driving from Bowling Green, KY, to Nashville and some guy in the next lane caught our attention to show us that he was shifting his gear. We laughed but sped away. He caught up with us and tried to stay with us but I guess he had to concentrate or lost interest or steam or whatever cause we did eventually lose him.
I saw a lifeguard on Ocean City beach saving a life, resuscitating a drowning victim (i don’t know, i’ve got nothing). He was sitting up on one of those big tall lookout stands, too. He was wearing a windbreaker jacket and his hands in his ‘pockets’ so i guess he thought no one would notice. That or he didn’t give a damn if anyone saw or not. I saw and didn’t say anything. just saved it up for a surf report!
Dudley Dawson (Booger) says
“Wallying the Beave”
That’s funny – Thanks Carla
Did the secret update go out?
This has nothing to do with the questions of the day but I came across this on Amazon. Some guy has these really funny customer reviews check em out if you have the time.
Boo Radley says
I will be spending tomorrow trying to figure out how to legally change my name.
I’m sorry. I have to do this.
It’s “peAls” of laughter, not “peels”.
“sprawgin the wog”
Thanks for all of the cheese-n-rice feedback.
I had NO idea!
Great Googly Moogly says
Once was over a friend’s house for his birthday when I was 11 or 12 or so. It was a pool party with pizza and cake and such and we’d spend the night in their big basement rec room playing video games, shooting pool, making prank calls and engaging in low grade assclownery.
I had went upstairs to retrieve my duffel bag around 10 pm or so and I went by my friend’s sisters room the door was open a crack. I had to stop and look of course and low and behold she was in there pummeling the little man in the boat. Being the little horndog that I was I stood there and watched until she finished and rolled over.
It was one of the most fantastic things I’d ever witnessed in my young life and couldn’t tell anyone about it.
Great Googly Moogly,
That’s a wonderful story. It took me back to something I haven’t thought about in years. I was about 13 and my mother’s friend dropped her daughter, Megan, off to stay with us for the weekend. Megan was about 17.
At the end of the first night I had to wait for her to finish showering before I could go in and brush my teeth, wash my face, whatever. I went for my towel to dry my face I noticed that it was damp. And when I brought it to my face I could smell her shampoo (I guess) and the only way I know to describe it is to say that it was like sun tanning lotion. It was like coconuts or pineapple or something.
I can’t explain why, but the smell of her shampoo on my towel really did a number on me. WOW! I pointed North better than any compass almost immediately. I put draped the towel back over the shower rod and made my way to my room, still stunned. And there she was.
Megan was standing in front of my dresser, brushing her hair (which was long, curled, and blonde), wearing panties and socks and nothing else. And I stood there with my mouth wide open. I couldn’t believe my eyes. She had a perfect body. Curvy, but not too fat. And she was tanned – saved the places where her bikini had been. She grabbed my cheeks and gave me a peck on the mouth. I could smell beer on her breath. And she said, “like what you see, cowboy?” or something like that. I said nothing.
Wow. I’m glad nobody came in 10 minutes after the incident, lest I be the subject of a “caught booing the radley” story.
Checking for varicose veins was a classic I heard when an older brother of my best friend at school was busted. I’ve used it ever since. Oh, and feeding the chooks! (Aussie slang for chickens)
Just remembered another: attacking the purple headed womb ferret!
This could be original, but I’m not sure
– making a splash
– calibrating the equipment
when i was in 7th grade a guy whose last name was Van Der Walker got caught ‘ honkin the bobo’ and from that point on all the way through high school he was known as Van Der Wacker
A friend of mine passed out drunk at his computer desk with his ratchet in his hand. . His wife walks in at 3 in the morning and finds him , wiggles the mouse in the computer and Hot Teen Facials is on the screen. She flipped out and put Net Nanny on the computer and now he cant look at anything.
Shiny Rod says
Tweaking the Chode
Richard B keeps a little book and your name is in it:)
Shiny Rod says
I remember an event that happened one day in my freshman english class. Needless to mention, my freshman english teacher was none other than news reporter Jane Pauley. Who was somewhat of a hottie back then. This may be why she is suffering from bipolar disorder now even though she’s married to Gary Trudeau (Doonesbury). Anyway, there was a guy who sat a couiple desks away from me who always wore sweat pants to school. Long before it was a fashion. Way long. He also had a habit of tucking his hands inside his pants while the teacher was lecturing. One day, she caught him with excessive motion and asked him to leave the class. When he stood up, it was evident that there was more going on then keeping his hands warm. He never returned to the class after that day. Jane got a job at one of the local TV news stations the next semester and we end up with some decrepid witch for the second semester.
Shiny Rod says
After Jason’s story, I might have to do a little wood polishing.
Patrick….I just spewed pepsi all over my monitor. LMFAO!!!
My brother was telling me about a buddy of his from his old job who had shared a house with his sister (who is a CSI in the Dallas area). Anyway, it was his house and she was crashing with him for a couple years… she brought her dog but promised to have the whole house completely steamed when she left.
She decided to move out a few months ago and when she did, she followed through with a professional steam cleaning of all the carpets and furniture to get rid of any missed accidents, etc. He asked her how she knew that the steam cleaning really worked and she said she went over the house with a black light prior to and after the steam cleaning. Much to his shock she laughed and said they were even able to clean up all those hundreds of spots around his computer.
LMFAO… apparently he was pissed off at her, but not so pissed off that he wouldn’t tell my brother. Then again, my brother’s nickname is “Spanky,” so maybe he thought he had a confidant.
did anyone submit “firing the mayor of hornytown” yet?
I’ve caught my husband a few times, but that’s no big deal. I just jump in and help. 🙂 I do have a good story though. I was at work at a university, in the bowels of an old building (gotta love where they put r&d). It was summer session, and there weren’t many people around. I was injured and had to take the elevator up one flight to the ground. I hit the button and it immediately opened. There was a couple in there having at it. The girl tried to pull up her panties and pull down her skirt, and the guy frantically tried to get his pants up. I just said, “Okay then. Stairs for me today.” Then I went outside, ate my lunch and waited. Eventually, they came out of the building and I smiled and waved.
I think they thought they’d be safe because most people push the button from the main or higher floors, and almost no one is in the lower part of the building. Heh. So much for their luck.
Oh, and another quick one. I went to an all girls Catholic high school. There was one girl who was forever sneaking touches of herself and then sniffing her fingers. We nicknamed her “Scratch and Sniff”.
Shagging the carpet (female)
Jilling off (female)
Punchin’ the munchkin
Going at Han Solo
Giving oneself a hand up