We’re going to West Virginia on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, and I feel like everything’s in disarray. None of us are prepared. Toney’s taking some sort of class today and tomorrow, and I have to work my vampire shift the next two nights.
So, we’re almost literally going to be throwing clothes into a bag, and driving away. I’ll probably get down there and have seven pairs of underwear and nothing else, for a four-day trip. Or it’ll be the exact opposite, and I’ll be at Wal-Mart buying an emergency bale of ball-socks at 11 pm, while wearing a Target bag under my jeans, with leg holes cut out of it.
“Anything else?”
“No, just that sack of enormous underwear and a York peppermint patty, thank you.”
“Jeff?”
“What?”
“Are you Jeff Kay?”
“Um, yeah.”
“It’s me, Karen. From high school? I maintain the Dunbar High facebook page? I can’t wait to update everyone on seeing you!”
“Jesus Christ…”
“What’s that rustling sound?”
“I didn’t hear anything.”
I wanted to get some pictures together for my folks — not going to happen. I wanted to get the oil changed in my car — not going to happen. I wanted to wash the car and vacuum-out the inside — not going to happen.
Disarray.
It’ll be fine once we get there, but I’m not looking forward to the drive. It’s about 530 miles, and a good percentage of it is on I-81. Or, as it’s more commonly known, the Devil’s Parkway. And the rest is way out in the middle of nowhere, where cellular phones are turned into nothing but a prop. It’s an exhausting, long-ass journey.
Especially with a fifty pound heat-radiating border collie constantly pressed against your torso…
One of the most important parts of such a trip, of course, is the music selection. I will have to set aside an hour or so to gather together the proper CDs for our excursion.
It’s not something that can be done all willy-nilly, and haphazardly. If you make the wrong choices, it’ll add to the pain, instead of lessen it. Earlier this summer I was pressed for time before a Knoebels trip, and relinquished music control to others. A BIG mistake.
There will be four of us, you see, and you’ve got to take everyone into account. You can’t just choose for yourself, which is what happened on the amusement park trip. And you can’t have quiet stuff, or anything overly intricate or complicated, either.
It’s also advisable to choose CDs that are familiar to everyone; a long car trip with kids is not the time to expand your horizons. You’ve gotta play it reasonably safe.
So, I usually go with classic rock. I always grab Tom Petty’s greatest hits, a 2-disc Cars anthology, a Police best-of, and that sort of thing. Paul McCartney and Wings work well, as well, and maybe a little Def Leppard and Van Halen.
If the dynamic was altered in some way, if one or more of us weren’t going, it would change the music selection completely. It’s gotta be tailored especially for the audience at hand. And, I hate to say it, but nobody else in our family fully understands the way it works. I have to be in charge of this task, or it’ll be all wrong. All freaking wrong.
I’ll leave you now with a weird Question that popped into my tiny Duke head this morning, while stressing about the WV trip…
If you were suddenly told you’re being forced to live alone in Siberia for a year, and could only take three personal items with you, what would they be? I’m not talking about clothes, and stuff like that, but comfort items — things that remind you of home, or keep you sane. You know, like a particular CD, a book, or a picture or something.
No cheating and saying “my 120 gig iPod.” It’s gotta be three individual items, not your entire music library in mp3 format, or your Kindle with 10,000 books saved to it. That’s cheating, and not keeping with the spirit of this questionable exercise…
Here’s an absolute automatic for me. Whenever I’ve moved, and had to spend an extended period alone in a strange city, I’ve had that CD. I don’t know why, but it works for me. It’s my standard companion.
What about you? Use the comments link below.
And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Please note: I also updated at 3am this morning, so don’t overlook that half-assery… I mean, fine achievement. Here’s the link.
Siberia???? Dude, I’m almost there…give or take a couple hundred miles. I’d take my guitar, my 4 wheeler, and a radio so I could listen to my show on 96.1FM/780AM, KNOM…”Yours, for Western Alaska!”
Thats pretty much the sum of my love life, Siberian…
@Shiny Rod.
I am 44 years old, I would gladly roll over and die after that 16 hour window you offer.
Do you know the slut?
I will gladly pay for the other two supplies.
And, yes. Absolutely, you may have all the sloppy seconds you can handle.
Am I having a mid-life crisis? Already have a hot car. But, it sits in the garage for two main reasons. First, I drink like a fucking idiot. And the car is a damn cop magnet.
@ hardoxdan – At 50, I ‘m pretty much past the midlife crisis point, all I have next to do is to buy a corvette.
@ Shiny Rod,
That we do. I choose it over ethanol simply because I’m not a big fan of hangovers (and I’ve been nursing one bitch of a hangover since Sunday), which I never get from weed.
@ Pagan,
Not a problem. You don’t need to smoke it, ingestion works just fine.
@ Tyrosine – Alas, working on government contracts and now working for the state, I had to give up one of my last pleasures. I still have scotch though.
Led Zeppelin- Physical Graffitti
1x case of 12 year old Fettercairn
a picture of my family, taped to another case of Fettercairn!
I agree with the others, get an FM transmitter for the ipod.
Kinda unrealistic, but here goes:
1. My Springfield XD 9mm with ammo
2. My Gibson SG
3. Year’s supply of domestic beer in 12oz cans
Probably could write a few albums worth of songs with #2 and #3, provided that other chemicals are available locally…#1 would be good for practice on empty #3s.
I’m a little bummed to realize that almost all my creature comforts are somehow on the computer. So if that counted, I’d take that, the external mega-drive, and my coffee maker. If this is some kind of get-to-know-the-wilderness exercise, I’d take the Bushmaster, a box of ammo, and a camera, and I could probably make it work.
When aksed the question if you were stuck in the desert, what three things would you want with you?
Most Australian men answered, their dog, their truck and their gun. Like wise, did the European and African men. Asian men varied a bit requesting a dog, a horse and a gun. So with all those facts in play, why the hell did I say the woman I love, plenty of food and an oasis (water)? Just wondering, am I losing it?
Nobody said a first aid kit? NOBODY? Come on, one little infected cut and you’d be kilt.
1) First aid kit.
2) 200 foot long subway sandwich.
3) Block of Velvetta with, “Don’t eat me baby, just fuck me” written on the box with a black marker.
You guys should wait until you’re 60 to have your midlife crisis, that way you’ll live to be 120.
@ Jasno, most excellent. Good catch on the first aid kit. 200′ subway sandwich, just like the one Homer had and wouldn’t throw away. Never confuse your eatin’ cheese with your lovin’ cheese!
Laughing so hard I misspelled Jason!
“Never confuse your eatin’ cheese with your lovin’ cheese!”
OMG, I almost pissed my pants when I read that!
Willesden Green – Do you like to rock that one?
That cd needs remastered. It sounds like crap. I bought all of the Kinks remasters a while back.
Being Siberia, there’d be no shortage of good Vodka, so I can scratch that off the list.
1. Cake-Comfort Eagle
2. Some sort of game system.
3. My big red chair.
1. Tales From Topographic Oceans
2. Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason
3. My Family
I think I’d take a pair of foul mouthed lesbians and a single can of Diet Coke.
Okay, think about this…what is the point of bringing a CD if you don’t bring along the CD player to listen to it. You just now took up 2 of the 3 items. If there is no electricity you have to bring enough batteries in order to sustain the life of the CD player to play the CD.
That’s it…you just wasted your 3 items to play one single CD for the rest of your life as you are stuck in Siberia.
Jack Kerouac Novel
Diet Soda
Clean underwear
T. Farty — I’m a bit puzzled by your selections. Do you intend to have a cage match where the two foul-mouthed lesbians fight for the single can of Diet Coke? Or will they just verbally spar and the one with the foulest mouth wins the Diet Coke to wash out her dirty mouth with? If it is one of these scenarios, I volunteer to be one of the lesbians. I’d do anything for a Diet Coke.
I guess a flame thrower would be a good item to take. And a feral pig that you could milk and eventually eat. And a scare crow to keep the musk ox at bay – I guess it would be a scare musk ox instead of a scare crow. But anyway, you don’t want those things around you. They stink because they piss on their own beards and they shit all over the place. No thanks!
Brynhildr,
I don’t know. I’m not a very good planner. I suck at this sort of thing. I guess I was hoping that I could “flip” one or both of the foul mouthed lesbians, at least temporarily. And the single can of Diet Coke, that’s a terrible choice. I’d like to change that one to a third foul mouthed lesbian. But I don’t know what we’d do for sustenance. Maybe one of the lesbos would be a Bear Grylls type? See? I suck at this.
@ T. Farty McAppleass – construct the plan, check the plan, execute the plan
Come on Friday, taken half a day, drop Ginger at Suite Paws for the weekend. Pack the Jeep and my stash of Glenfiddich 18 and I’m off to Oceanside for the weekend cause it’s payday and I need my rest. I am an emotional wreck, broke my glasses, lost my GF and I need some me time.
@Shiny Rod: Sorry you’re living a country western song. Hope you reboot during your long weekend.
Gee, I see a terrible future for Shiny Rod. Picture this, he has a pocket full of payday money, plans to get drunk, on the rebound, and can’t see shit because he broke his glasses.
Very bad combination.
Rod, be very careful. You are about an inch away from the fattest ugly hairy women that will never leave you alone. You should stay home, or go someplace where there are no women. YMCA? American Legion Club? Garibaldi Club?
Love the further evidence link, Jeff. If I drank as much beer as it said would take to kill me, you’d have to sit me on the toilet and bring me my poison. Heck, after 3 or 4, I’m in the bathroom every 5 minutes. No sense getting up.
OK, after *much* thought, I’m changing my list:
CD – same (Neil Young)
Book(s) – same (Lord of the Rings)
other – MY COMPUTER!!! DUH! I spend more time with it than I do my pillow!
I just saw a picture of Miss Siberia maybe moving there is not such a bad idea!
@ Gretchen & @ hardoxdan -You won’t see me crying in my beer because I’m drinking scotch. Just dealing with a lot of emotions I haven’t dealt with in a long time so I need some time to digress and figure out what my next steps will be. Plus I got a 7 page paper to write for my Disaster Recovery class. Oh, that was my Gold Finder, I like to beach comb when I’m at the condo.You didn’t think, naw, you couldn’t have. The girl friend department is going just fine. I am very sure of that aspect of my life. Matter of fact, I need to send her an “email” so she knows I will be out this weekend and I’m going off grid. So I hope she checks to see that I’m not online. No phone, no computer, no dog.
Pagan,
Maybe we’re looking at two different girls? The Miss Syberia I saw looks like a praying mantis that hasn’t caught a damn meal since men wore powdered wigs and pantyhose!
Okay, Siberia, much like my native Ontario, or parts of it anyways.
Assuming I’m not naked and homeless, 3 things most usefull in the bush up north, as far as I’m concerned:
Firestarter- firesteel, bic lighter, whatever’s not 1 match
Axe- a real axe, not some cretin-spray
12 guage shotgun, with a variey of ammo
and a close #4, to dream about, if I can only have 3…
DEEP WOODS OFF, seriously, have you been north?
Desert Island type luxuries:
CD: Stevie Ray Vaughn Live in Montreaux (double) gotta love the boo-ing on disc 1!
EUROTRASH DOUCHEBAGS
Book: The Hitchhikers Guide Trilogy (quadruple)
My girl (Unique)
The Surf Report Classic Karen Carpenter bit made me spit my beer, FYI.
Thank you JK, you funny!
According to the calculator, it would take 43 shots of scotch to kill me. Granted 3 is my limit period.
It tells me I need 44 Coronas to do myself in.
I’m on #12. I don’t think anybody could drink 44 in 3 hours, but I don’t want to die trying, unlike Karen Carpenter, so I may never find out… those of you who like a dare, knock yourselves out, but you can’t sue me for your own fucking stupidity, I don’t live in the USA.
1. Hot Nymphomaniac
2. Hot Nymphomaniac
3. Hot Nymphomaniac
But seriously,
1. The Avett Brothers Live, Vol. II.
2. The Lord of the Rings (All 3) – I’m a dork
3. Hot Nymphomaniac
Good Morning Surf Reporters…………………
My favorite blanket
My favorite cat
55 gallon garbage bag full of weed – buy papers/matches there- if not it can be baked into almost anything