I was talking to Steve a few days ago, and he asked about Nancy’s most recent visit. I told him it was a quickie, less than 24 hours, and he said, “Oh, you probably didn’t get a lot to write about, huh?” And I hollered, “Are you kidding?! Twenty-four hours with those people is like two weeks, in real time.”
Nancy told Toney they were going to leave their house at 6 am on Saturday, and would be arriving at our place between noon and 1 o’clock.
Around 10 I answered the phone, and it sounded like Nancy was calling from a middle school cafeteria. Utter chaos… It had been “a long morning,” she told me, and they were just now leaving. Shocking.
So, instead of noon, they rolled into town after 4 pm, and brought the school cafeteria with them. The volume level in our house went from zero to sixty in 10 seconds.
The see-thru children were all ratcheted-up on soy energy, or whatever, and each was carrying a large box of LEGO. Immediately the contents of each was dumped into the middle of our living room floor, and within minutes (literally minutes) the oldest translucent “lost” a piece and had a blood-red meltdown.
Nostrils brought us a variety pack of Sleeman beer, which was appreciated. I cracked open two Honey Brown Lagers, after Eninen declined, and handed one to Toney.
Nossy said he had to go for a run, and Nancy told us he’d become addicted to exercise. Yeah, I remember when he was “addicted to exercise” during the California years, and Sunshine caught him sitting on a wall around the corner from our house, smoking a cigarette. Wotta douche.
Toney and I talked to Nancy in the living room, amongst impossible noise, and we somehow got on the subject of baby names. Toney mentioned how it seemed like every other girl born in the 1960s was named Lisa, and Nancy (not her real name, of course) said, “And you know another name that was popular during that era? Nancy!”
I almost power-shat through upholstery.
I fetched us two more beverages, and took the opportunity to flee the scene. I went downstairs to the bunker, and passed Nossy in the family room doing his “stretches.” He was in the middle of the floor, in some kind of modified Karate Kid crane stance. And I barely made it out of the room before exploding in laughter.
I didn’t want to be completely rude, and only stayed on the computer for a few minutes. And when I went back upstairs Nostrildamus was almost ready for his run. He was wearing a ski jacket (semi-puffy), a ludicrous knit cap, and skin-tight sweat pants (over pipe cleaner legs), tucked into his socks.
I looked at Toney, to get her reaction, but she purposely wouldn’t make eye contact, trying to keep herself in check. So I just chuckled quietly down the neck of a beer bottle.
Nossy was gone for roughly ten minutes, came back and immediately took a shower. You know, because of his vigorous workout.
Then he started to make himself a bourbon and Coke, and approached me in his apprehensive, always-apologetic way. “Um, I hate to bother you with this, but do you have any fizzier Coke? I like my Coke really really fizzy.”
What the? I found an unopened two-liter bottle, and he let out a tiny shriek when he saw it. It was mildly disturbing.
I checked the bottle already in-use, and it wasn’t flat in the least. I poured a little in a glass, and it was as foamy as expected. What a grand gang of weirdos…
Toney made dinner, some kind of pasta with a vodka sauce. And as she was preparing it, she cleared her throat to get my attention. I looked over and saw her pouring an enormous amount of chicken broth into a pan.
Funny. Nancy would fly off the handle if she knew about all the liquefied fowl she ingests at our house, but instead proclaims it one of her favorite dishes, every single time.
After dinner we had some more norf of the border beer, and eventually the kids got ready for bed. We overheard Nancy telling the translucents to take off their underwear, before putting on their pajamas. Is that an accepted practice?? It makes no sense to me, and I prefer not to think about it.
And a little while later the youngest translucent was standing in the living room, with his arm rammed down the back of his pants. Eventually he removed it, and began inspecting his hand and wrist. Then he said to Nostrils, “Papa, I don’t think I remembered to clean my bum.”
Good times.
Toney and I went to bed shortly thereafter, and she made a prediction I was ashamed hadn’t occurred to me. She said, “How much you want to bet he wakes up in the morning sick, because he went running in 30-degree weather?” Why, of course he would! Am I starting to slip already?!
Toney went to sleep, while I watched two episodes of Lou Grant on my laptop. I loved that show back in the day, and was worried my fondness for it might be shattered by harsh reality. But it turned out to be pretty good, even after all these years.
And the next morning Nostrils was sick. He’d developed an “aggressive” head cold during the night, and would need to spend most of the day in bed, he said.
Again, I wanted to slug myself in the genitalia for not predicting it.
The oldest translucent asked Nancy if she’d remembered to bring his purse. He said he wanted to put all his LEGO heads in there.
“His purse?!” Toney shouted. Yes, Nancy explained, he likes to carry his important things in a purse, and there’s nothing wrong with it. But Toney’s silent reaction indicated she didn’t completely agree.
A purse! Ho-ly shit. How long will it be before he starts filling it with real heads? Let’s see, he’s nine… maybe five years? Sweet sainted mother of Walter Bellhaven.
Mid-morning Nancy decided, just out of the blue, that it would be a good idea to have a portrait made of all the kids, to give to Sunshine as a Christmas present. This had never been discussed before, but she wanted to go to Sears or JCPenney right now.
Toney reluctantly agreed, and I told them they could count me out. No way in hell I’m getting myself mixed-up in such a slam-dunk fiasco; I’m pretty stupid, but not that stupid.
Nossy said he was also going to stay home, undoubtedly with a hot water bottle resting on his vagina. I wished everyone good luck, went to the bunker, and cranked up The Feelies on the stereo. Funk dat.
A half-hour or so later I went upstairs and Nostrils was laid out flat on the couch, like a man in a coffin. He’d brought the hammerhead dog inside. And because we don’t like that shit-eater to run free in our house (she’s bitten every one of us, including Andy), he had her on a leash. And the leash was wrapped several times around one of his legs, while he slept.
Oh, man… I seriously considered getting out the Secrets’ Flip camera, setting it up to record everything, then shaking a tennis ball in the dog’s face, and hurling it up the steps. Heh. It makes me laugh just thinking about it.
A little while later everyone returned from Sears (or whatever), and I guess the oldest translucent wouldn’t cooperate. He was pissed because Nancy wouldn’t let him wear his purse in the portrait (I swear it’s true…), so he kept blowing spit bubbles while the guy was trying to take the picture.
Eventually they got a halfway decent shot, and returned home. It was almost time for me to leave for work by then, so I told ’em to have a nice trip back to Canada, and got out of there.
“See you again on December 26!” Nancy hollered, as the door closed behind me.
And it was hard to believe it had been less than 24 hours. While driving I thought back to when Nancy had called from the school cafeteria, and it felt like it happened at least a week before.
But how much you want to bet the next month will go by real fast?
Yeah.
Oh. My. Gawd.
How do you do it, man? Oh, I’m SO glad you do, but HOW?
(I would have paid to see you throw that tennis ball. heh)
happy t-day!
wow…. maybe the missing lego was pooglued to the younger kid’s “bum”
unbelieveable…are you sure TLC or FOX hasn’t contacted you to do a reality show?
forf!
That oldest see-thru is going to be like that guy on the train in Canada. You’re just sitting next to him, minding your own business, and the next thing you know, he’s hacked off your head and is showing it to the other passengers. Geez Louise.
I was babysitting a kid once who had his hand down the back of his pants in a convenience store. All of a sudden, he started hollering like a turd had bit his finger off. I asked what happened, and he shouted, “I was scratching my butt, and my finger went in my stinky hole!” The whole place went silent, and I didn’t go back in there for months.
Some killer shit right there!! Heh !!
What a bizarre group. I can’t wait for the 26th to roll around.
Good Afternoon VIP Surf Reporters……
The ultra exclusive updates never fail to satisfy, ever.
Hot water bottle on his vagina…. haha
Oldest Translucent carry human heads in a purse 5 years from now, oh how I can see it!!
Yes, the VIP edition was worth the wait!!
A PURSE?!?!?!?????!!?!?!1!! Oh, it will be one fine day when this little sweetie-pie hits high school.
And for the record I still plan on tracking Nostrils down. I won’t “out” him (of Jeff), but I need to see this shit in real life: I’m not accusing Jeff of hyperbole, but I need to verify for myself. Perhaps I’ll attend one of his classes…I’ve got a friend who’s an anthropologist, he want to “observe” the whole family for a season or two. Hell, if even half of what Jeff says is true there are at least three Ph.D dissertations to be had (one each in anthropology, psychology, and sociology) with this family (for example- The Effect of Post-Modern Feminism and Gender-Neutral Parenting on the Modern North American Family: A Case Study).
Good stuff.
Trinamick: For the record “The Denogginator”, as we lovingly call him, rides the bus not the train. They keep the price of train tickets expensive up here. While it may cost more than the bus, you’ll see where your extra money went when the guy beside you: 1) Has obviously bathed within the last 24 hours, 2) Doesn’t get drunk and wet his (or your) pants, 3) Doesn’t cut off your head and start speaking in tongues.
The purse carrier will get the shit beat out of him in 7th grade, I predict. Probably on the first day.
Dude, how much do you think that Sears picture would fetch in the annual WVSR charity auction?
It must be true, you simply can’t make this stuff up…
I don’t know about the rest of ya’ll, but I’m dealing with disappointment that her name isn’t really NANCY…..it never occurred to me that Nancy was an alias.
This is EXACTLY the type of stuff that inspired the phrase “You just can’t make this shit up…..”
And I still want a set of 4 coffee mugs with the old logo. Am I going to have to have them made, and just pay a royalty?
way good stuff
I like being a VIP. Rarely do I get to be a VIP in life, so this is kinda cool. heh
This is a best-of because this all took place in less than 24 hours. Holy Mary Mother of Jebus!
Why are we calling her Nancy then? Hmm?
There must be SOME reason Jeff chose that name.
Nossy probably hid one the Lego pieces from the Translucent, so he could put it together himself while thumbing through an old Rolling Stone with Johnny Depp on the cover…
Hilarious Update!!!
It’s become almost TOO painful to read the Eninen diaries, because that oldest kid has me worried to bits. I’m torn between wanting to hug the poor lamb and slap the wee psycho killer upside hte head. SKirt, purse…we all see where this is going.
Not that htere’s anything WRONG with that, of course, but him being just a touch less hyperreactive and able to cope with reality might be a good start before beginnign his’trandition.’
Just saying.
beginning his transition. FTFM.
I’ve said it before you have a reality show with them, a gold mine Jeff!!
Purse, eh? There is only one response to that, and it was made by Reggie Dunlop (played by Paul Newman) in the 1977 movie Slap Shot:
“You know, your son looks like a fag to me … he’s gonna have someone’s cock in his mouth before you can say Jack Robinson.”
I’m with Brenda Love, it never occurred to me Nancy wasn’t her real name and for some bizarre reason, I’m disappointed.
The oldest translucent has me worried, as well…
As a vegetarian, I have to say that I object to the chicken broth. Of course, I try not to be so pretentious about it, as they seem to, at least I hope not.
What a freak show. Keep ’em coming.
Hilarious. I have to stop reading these late at night when everyone else is sleeping. You know, so I don’t wake them up from my howls of laughter.
Idea
Surf report auction.
Highest bidder gets to spend a nancy weekend with Jeff. All expenses paid. All proceeds go to beer.
My uncle who I love was in town on turkey day with his nancy and translucents. This nan has krohns disease so spends a lot of time on the throne, but the 3 year old twins like to talk to her in said position and she lets them. Problem is the bathroom she uses is in full view of everyone watching tv in my living room. I saw wayyyyyyy to much.
This super secret report was like the pumpkin pie of the Thansgiving weekend. Now, I’ll go fall asleep on the recliner and drool like a bulldog until Monday.
Jeff – do you know that comments on the super secret updates get posted at the bottom of the page under recent comments? Lets everyone read it by clicking on one of them. I, of course, subscribed, and am merely trying to ruin the fun for everyone else.
Next thing you know he’ll be telling us that “Nostrils” and “Sunshine” aren’t real names either.
Okay, I have already ordered my WVSR T-Shirt, but perhaps on the next design, you could get the Evil Twin to incorporate “Papa, I don’t think I remembered to clean my bum.” into it. That would be a hoot.
Hey Brenda Love…
Actually…her name was Mcgill…but she called herself Lil…
Dammit, I’m full of turkey and dressing and it’s making it hard to laugh. Jeff, Happy Birthday you old fart.
Jeepers H. Christmas. I continue to be torn belief and disbelief.
This stuff is too outrageous to be real, but at the same time it’s too outrageous not to be.
If the oldest translucent’s neighbors are on the news one day saying “He was so quiet. We never would have thought that he could do a thing like that” will we be complicit for not saying something earlier?
And even if someone finally notices that he’s really, really nuts before he goes on a trans-canada killing spree I’m pretty sure it’s too late to undo most of the damage.
He was so quiet…and carried the most beautiful purse…not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Kid’s probably just gay–so lay off with the fag stuff, dudes–the fact that he’s obnoxious has everything to do with his looney tunes parental units. When these kids get into their teen years, and the animal within rears its head, watch out, though. They’ll probably swing the other way and become young republicans. It’s the law of nature, folks.