I’ve written updates before where I listed surprising things I’ve never done (shit at work, watched any of the Godfather movies, tasted Lucky Charms). But today I’m going to tell you about three possibly surprising things I’ve never done, and NEVER will do. You know, if I have any say in the matter.
I’d like to see the first two Godfathers someday, and am not totally opposed to trying Lucky Charms. It’s those dusty little pencil eraser “marshmallows” that concern me… The two things I’m about to tell you about now are in a different category. I’ve dug my heels in, and will hopefully never be faced with having to engage in either of them.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Gotten into a hot tub Over the weekend Toney showed me a photo of one of her Facebook friends in a hot tub, outdoors. There was snow on the ground, and three or four people were in this thing, holding wine glasses, and smiling like idiots.
During my life I’ve been invited — nay, pressured — to climb into one of those bubbling cauldrons of ass ‘n’ ball water. And it’s not going to happen.
A couple of times we’ve been at a person’s house, and the host came out and tossed a pair of swimming trunks in my lap. It’s gotten that far into the process, and I’ve still refused. For one thing, I’m not wearing somebody else’s trunks. Ya know? That cock-net thing is not meant to be shared.
And I think people have sex in hot tubs. It would be like slowly lowering myself into a semen bisque. Call me crazy, but I have no interest in such things.
In the Poconos, which is near here, they’re famous for hotels with hot tubs in each room. I can’t imagine such a thing. I won’t even sit on a hotel bedspread. There is no way I’m soaking in the sexual/anal secretions of the last fifty people who rented my room. Good god!
What’s wrong with just, you know, sitting a chair?
Engaged the services of a hooker Years ago, when I was in the music biz, I was sitting in a sales meeting and some label guy (Virgin, ironically) told a story that almost shocked me. Not completely, but almost.
He said he’d recently spent time in Reno, and visited one of the bordellos there. He told us he’d never had sex with a prostitute before, and viewed it as a “rite of passage.”
Seriously? That’s something you’re supposed to aspire to? Sex with a whore? Again, I might be the weird one, but that is not an item on my bucket list. Never has been.
When it gets right down to it, I’m not really a fan of sleaziness. I couldn’t even enjoy myself at the few strip clubs I’ve visited. Maybe I’m missing a gene or something, but sleaze just doesn’t appeal. Hiring a hooker is about as likely to happen to me as going on a firewalk with Oprah, or something.
The dude went on to tell us about how the woman at the whorehouse told him to go into a room, take off all his clothes, and wait. Later, he found out he’d been on closed circuit TV, and piped into the main waiting room, where a bunch of truck drivers were watching him try to “plump himself up” a bit, before the ladies arrived.
This guy was roughly my age, and clean-cut. I couldn’t believe it.
There was also an older man who worked there that supposedly hired hookers when he was on the road, and made them strip and sit in the bathtub. Then he’d pee on them, pay their fee, and send them on their way.
WTF?? I sincerely don’t understand.
When I lived in Atlanta I was sometimes approached by prostitutes on the street. They always said, “Do you need a date, honey?” Apparently there’s an approved whore script, written and revised many years ago? I’m not sure. But these women usually looked like drug addicts, had a voice like Mike Ditka, and skin the color and consistency of pork rinds.
But, even if they looked like Playboy models, I don’t think I could’ve done it. I would’ve been catastrophically undermined by the sleaziness factor.
I need to go to work now, so I’m going to turn it over to you guys. I had a third item, but I’m all outta time. If you have anything that fits into this category, please share. We’re looking for possibly surprising things you’ve never done, and hope to never do. Use the comments link below.
And don’t forget about our Amazon links. Simply pass through one of them before doing your holiday (or personal) shopping, and I’ll receive a small percentage of whatever you spend. Please try to remember. It helps a great deal.
See you guys again tomorrow!
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WB in OH says
I’ve been in a hot tub but never hired a hooker.
Someone else’s hottub? No way. If I had one, yeah, i could see it, but there are about a million things I’d spend hottub money on before an actual hottub.
As to hewers? Again, no way. Makes me sad just to think about.
I’ve never eaten at Shoney’s. I don’t see what the big deal is, but when I say this, people are inevitably shocked.
Having had sex with a hooker in a hot tub, I’d like to know what the third thing is. Chances are I might have sewn up all three at one time.
Swami Bologna says
That, my friend, was funny. (I’d give you an “LOL,” but I hate when people write “LOL.”)
Jersey Scott says
Wasn’t it Lucky Charms ? You could eat a bowl of Lucky Charms in a hot tub while enjoying the services of a hooker — even better, if you look around I bet you could find a hooker named Lucky Charms.
I’ve always wanted to hire a hooker for something other than sex.
Perhaps I could pay her to cold call potential clients.
Or maybe just to stand in a Burger King bathroom, by herself, with the door locked for a few hours.
What other arbitrary things in no way related to sexual expression, could I pay a hooker for?
Take her to the office Christmas party?
For that, you need to hire an ‘Escort’.
I’ve always liked the idea of hiring one and just talk over coffee about the f’d up things she’s seen and or done. Money, a meal, and talking about the guy who made you take a dump into a frosting bag then decorate his “cake” sounds a lot better than having to bang a japanese business man.
Stuart In Oz says
I’m with you Jeff, I just don’t get it!!!
I can tell you have never been in the military (by today’s post I mean to say).
I did the hot tub thing on a trip to California circa 1985. I remember one being next to the swimming pool at the hotel so I didn’t get that shkeevy sperm/piss/death farts sensation that I would get in someone’s personal hot tub. And I probably won’t ever go in another one.
Something I’ve never done was eaten anything from a kitchen I don’t know. Someone is always trying to put together a pot luck lunch or cookie swap at work. I’d rather lick my own crack then eat from some of those hell holes. I’ve seen their sloppy work habits. You know goddamn well the homefront is 100 times worse.
And I’ve never paid for a prostitute, either. Or escort or gigilo or whatever the term is.
Hot tubs are no big deal. Its just a small, heated swimming pool in my opinion.
Hookers, not gonna happen.
I once had a guy I worked with offer to take to me to a brothel in mid-town manhattan. I politely but frimly declined. The thought of it is just horrendous. Yuck.
I am curious about the third thing.
I believe that skydiving is out for me forever. I just think I’d get hurt on the landing. I believe the parachute would open and everthing would go well, but they look like they land surprisgingly hard. I have no interest in that.
There are a few other things on my list, but mostly they involve stuff like pleasuring/being pleasured by animals. It seems like it wouldn’t be much different than being with a hooker other than the animal would probably be cleaner and smell better.
For the record, I’ve never smelled a hooker, but I’ve been in barns and I’m just going to take a guess.
I worked in L&D for 15 years, I’d guess bookers smell more like a fishing pier than a barnyard. But it’s just a guess.
My brother-in-law is a booker, and he smells OK. I haven’t exactly studied this, but I think I’d notice anything fishy or barny.
And I haven’t had any L&D since college.
Hot tub. Yes.
Was about 18 or 19 years old, dating a 24 year old hair dresser. She had a beautiful face and personality, but was also a little heavy duty (you know how young guys are). Thinking back, she was probably a 9.5 on the 10 scale overall.
She rented a house that had a hot tub on the back deck. I can imagine that the neighbors are still talking about us and some of her friends approximately 30 years later.
Hookers? No, thank you.
Very curious what Jeff’s Number 3 was also. I probably have not done it if it involves perversion.
Greg T says
I landed on a hooker in a hot tub skydiving naked. Does that cover all three??
Why all the whore hate? Personally i think they are great they are very skilled at their job and some of the best sex ever. Im not talking street walking crack/heroin whores. The whores i’ve messed with are strippers who also happen to be whores very attractive and like i said very skilled. I guess they would be more sluts than whores as i’ve never just paid cash straight up for sex. but i have paid for alcohol/cocaine/pills etc we party down and get freaky it’s a lot of fun you guys should try it once in your lives.
I agree with Jeff on both counts. I have no interest in dipping in the bodily secretions of 50 random strangers… and I wouldn’t use a hot tub either.
I have never attended a football game.
Buck Naked says
“The dude went on to tell us about how the woman at the whorehouse told him to go into a room, take off all his clothes, and wait. Later, he found out he’d been on closed circuit TV, and piped into the main waiting room, where a bunch of truck drivers were watching him try to “plump himself up” a bit, before the ladies arrived.”
That sounds almost exactly like the old joke with the punch line, “Yeah, but last week there was a guy in there screwin’ a chicken!”
Years ago there was a place around here that you could rent a hot tub for the evening (maybe by the hour?) called Cuddles and Bubbles. They claimed it was cleaned and sanitized after every use.
We called the place Soak and Poke. Was actually in business longer than you would think.
I’ve never been in a hot tub, nor I have ever hired anyone for sex. Ew ew ew, on both counts.
I’ve never watched Sex in the City or Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve never had sushi, and never will. I’ve never been on a blind date. I’ve never been on a cruise.
WB in OH says
I’ll never go on a cruise. I like to reserve the right to say fuck it I’m done with this and head home early if I’m not having fun, that’s hard to do out at sea.
I never peed in a sink.
I’ve worked in and around corporate America for 40 years. The meager rewards for which men and women in America, Inc. prostitute themselves is enough to cause a good, honest hooker to lose her lunch.
I would save the “ewwww”s for the officers of the financial services companies that screwed us with our pants on over the last six years. But that’s just me. You get to choose which side you’re on and how holy you are.
Phil Jett says
I’ve been in a hot tub and pleasured by a working girl. After working months at sea and then spending a week in Japan I couldn’t imagine not going to a bath house. Not only did she clean weeks of grime from every nook and cranny on my body she fucked my brains out. When we were done another woman brought in my clothes all cleaned and pressed (which ruin that pair of Levi’s, that front crease never came out) and then I met up with a buddy at the bar to enjoy a few Kirin and some saki.
Al K. Hall says
I have never drank coffee.
I will never run with the bulls.
I had a stripper once offer to take me in the back room. I said what’s back there, she said for $75 she’d put her mouf on my penis. I declined. Especially after watching the steady stream of dudes that were coming out of that room. It wasn’t a classy joint, either. Some shithole on 10th in OKC.
Billy Joel says
Xmas present idea for JK:
Note that this is a 40lb bag!
I see there are only two left in stock. Don’t hesitate. Don’t be caught with your drawers down.
Free hot tub. Boom.
And Bay Village is where Robert Patrick and his brother (Filter) are from (at least partially, maybe it’s prefiltered ballwater).