Our upstairs bathroom adventure has taken an ugly turn. I don’t even want to get into it… But one thing always leads to another, doesn’t it? It never fails, right?
I’m 46 years old, and know this to be a fact. Yet I’m always shocked by it. Why is that? Hopeful estimating? Naivete? Standard douchery? I don’t know, and don’t really care at this point.
Will somebody please hold me?
I was having “lunch” (8 pm) at work a few days ago, and a woman mentioned that she and her husband already have their cemetery plots, and headstone. They bought them about five years ago, she said.
I thought that was a bit odd, since she’s only 40 or 45, and began asking many questions: the questions everyone else wanted to ask, but didn’t feel comfortable doing so.
Like: Is the headstone already in place at the boneyard?
And yes, it is. In fact, she and her husband spent considerable time designing their halves of the thing. She has a Bible and butterflies on her side, and he has a deer(?!) and birds on his. Weird, man.
Then I wanted to know if they leave flowers at the grave site, and she said they do. Ha!
I also found out the cemetery dude warned them not to put their last names on the stone, since they were so young, and divorce rates are so high. This pissed them off, so they had their last names listed in larger type than normal.
“How about the death dates? Did you list those, as well?” I wanted to know. Apparently they left that part blank, though, to be completed later. And these people call themselves prepared?
Do you think it’s strange, buying your own headstone while you’re still in your late 30s/early 40s? It’s never crossed my mind, not once. Of course I’m going the “burn ’em up” route, but still.
What do you think about it? Tell me in the comments, won’t you? Also, what kind of eternal clipart would you choose for your headstone? I think I’d go with the original smoking fish, and possibly the Nabisco logo. What about you?
Here’s how Harv played it.
And I was having another lunch a few days ago with the younger Secret, at a local diner. The place has been around for decades, and the walls are covered in all manner of framed photos, many autographed.
You know, something along these lines.
I never really paid attention before, but decided to give it a little extra scrutiny this time. And it’s a very strange mixture of things. There’s an amateurish oil painting of Bobby Kennedy (I think), a photograph of Kramer, various unknown old men in golf gear, a few renderings of Jesus (“Thanks for the support!”), an 8×10 of Cary Grant (I think), etc.
There’s no thread or theme, holding any of it together. It’s just stuff people liked, I guess, over the past forty years or so. Pretty cool.
In California there are signed celebrity photos in almost every place of business. Including, I shit you not, Taco Bell. In the location near my old job, in Burbank, there’s dozens and dozens of the things. Including, I believe, both of the Coreys – Haim and Feldman.
But my favorite celebrity diner photo of all time was spotted in Cooperstown, NY, down the street from the Baseball Hall of Fame. It was a promotional 8×10 of Fyvush Finkel, who played Harvey Lipschultz on Boston Legal. How great is that? Man, I loved Harvey Lipschultz…
Do you remember seeing any especially remarkable celebrity diner photos? If so, we need to hear about it.
And if you’ll excuse me now, I’m going to go back upstairs and cry softly into a couch cushion, as yet another section of shitter wall comes down…
I’ll see you guys on Monday.
I’m off to buy some more Blue Moon. Coors (regular) is my daily driver. The local market here was taken over by Lowes Foods…I’ll look for some Dawg even though I’m in the middle of nowhere….and that is a deffinite up-side. They’d order some in for me if I want. The beer truck hits here every Wednesday.
I didn’t mean to confuse the two. I was just saying I haven’t drank Rolling Rock and I have never drank any malt liquors either. Something cliche’ about malt liquors I just don’t like. Of course, there are a lot of beers I have tried. I usually go the Flying Saucer with some of my friends from the US Postal Service to chat and drink a bit. The pub touts some more than 200 beers in stock. I may have tried about 25 but my friends now has a plate on the wall (sampled 200 beers) and he still has tried every beer they carry. Lot of microbrews and imports out there.
“Has not that is”…
I would say that the difference in Rolling Rock and a good IPA is like moving from Velveeta to a nice young Goulda. Laugh Jason, that was suppose to be funny.
Gouda, Jeezum crow, I haven’t even started drinking yet.
When I got off the road in ’78 and went back to Cincy and the music conservatory at U.C., Rolling Rock was all I drank. Honest…not even the water. Good rice beer as I remember.
Rice beer? Really?
I’ve had good gouda and even plain old cream cheese. I don’t like them as well for several reasons. First, they tend to stick to your pubes. Not fun. Second, they aren’t shaped in that long rectangular way that Velveeta is, and I need that. Finally, you can carry a loaf of Velveeta into the bathroom without raising a lot of suspiction. But the minute someone sees you go to the bathroom with a wheel of Gouda under your arm they start talking. “What’s that pervert doing?” “Must be up to no good. Nobody takes cheese into the bathroom with them. Nobody decent, that is.”
Jason….yep…I think it says so on the bottle.
Jeezum crow I’m out of beer and it’s not even 6:30.
Now what?
Tammie,
Start drinking mouthwash and vanilla extract. It’s the only way.
Hey Jeff…is the crap catcher back to practicing catch catch and release?? ……just wondering….
catch catch…WTF?…..I’ll be out on the porch if anyone needs me……
Mmmm, all this beer talk is making me thirsty! I can’t wait to see what the husband, who has ventured out to pick up dinner and a movie, brings home with him. He usually makes a great selection. Usually…
A few weeks ago, however, he picked up a sampler of Flying Dog, which is great beer, but the sampler box turned out to be full of 8 ounce bottles. I’m sorry, but I demand quality AND quantity.
And about Rolling Rock – several years ago in a fancy pants yuppie type restaurant, my husband, a friend of his and I asked the waitress what beers they had. Her reply? Oh, we have everything. My husband and his friend gave each other a look as if to say, ok, we’ll start with something easy and work our way up. They asked for Rolling Rock, and she said, oh, we don’t have that; I’ve never heard of that. Yeah, apparently they didn’t have everything.
@ Shiny Rod – If you ever decide to try some malt liquor, I suggest pairing St. Ides with Papa Johns pizza. Outstanding combination. i don’t know why, but it is.
@ White Trash Barbie – No Malt Liquor, got enough of a stigma to deal with.
@ Tammie – I just had to go to Lowes Foods and low and behold, they had the Snake Dog, so I bought two 6er’s. So I’m lifting a bottle in your honor. Thanks for the recommendation and a double thanks for the excellent post on mockable.
Oh and I,m having my Snake Dog with some grilled knackwurst.
Dammit, Shiny Rod, you just have too much fun: a great scotch last night, and a great beer tonight, coupled with a wonderful greazy (the “z” was intentional) sausage! If I was in Raleigh, I’d be knockin’ on your door! You’re just right down my alley.
We’d be doin’ harmony to Jimmy buffet, after we got tuned in!
@ Greg – Surf Reporters are always welcome. The single malt scotch works better as tuning fluid. We might have to see when Jimmy will be in Charleston so we can hook up with Tammie and hubbie, I owe her a case of Snake Dog since they don’t sell it down there yet.
WHOO HOO! Jimmy Buffet and a case of Snake Dog! Jeezum crow, I’d feel like a princess!
I live in Parkersburg, just a short haul from Charleston. We could all get together and share our resources. At least, WV residents can now enjoy Yuenglings!
My cousin from Charleston was a single malt afficionado. (RIP) It took me a while to develop a taste, but I’m right in there, now.
I developed a taste for scotch (Johnny Walker Black) when I was in college, and it just went from there. Single malts were a whole new thing for me. I’m not an expert yet, but I do enjoy them.
I started with bourbon in college when a friend brought a gallon bottle from his dads stash. We tried to make a dent in it but the seems to keep refilling itself. Have you ever drank bourbon from a beer mug? We did, damn we were tore up that night. I started drinking single malt a few years ago while golfing with friends. Well, they were golfing and I was drinking the scotch. Balvenie was the aiming fluid of choice that day. Boy was that sweet. Been hooked on single malt since. My favorite so far is Glenfiddich although, I am really enjoying the Glenlivet.
I remember my first beer,…
no, wait a minute, I don’t.
I remember my first beer today,
no, wait a minute…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQFEY9RIRJA
Hey….Gordon of Peter and Gordon died.
http://undercover.com.au/News-Story.aspx?id=8786_Gordon_Waller_of_Peter_&_Gordon_Fame_Dies
So…Freddie from Freddie and the Dreamers next? Crap…Chad and Jermery?
Jeff, check out nursethehate.blogspot.com July 12 blog. it might bring back young man memories.
@ DTO – How the two Corey’s, Haim and Feldman.
Shiny Rod…huh?….don’t know that…
Those two guy were in about every teen movie back in the 80’s. Beside my bad typing, damn you Mavis Beacon…I was doin just fine with two fingers.
Frank McCourt passed. He was on our bucket list just a couple days ago.
Tammie, Greg – I checked the schedule and Jimmy is not doing anything south of Va for the rest of this year. When he posts his 2010 schedule, maybe we can get tickets and meet up. Hopefully he will have Charleston on his tour next year. If not. we got plenty of spots from VA to Florida for a Jimmyfest.
The world’s oldest man died yesterday at 113. He was a WWI vet and attributed his longevity to cigarettes, whiskey, and wild women.
There is hope for some of you yet.
Gave up cigarettes years ago but I’m still in to single malt scotch and wild women.
@ Brynhildr – Finally got my Facebook point to Jeff’s so you should be able to see my picture. Not my best shot but it will do.
White on white translucent black capes
Back on the rack
Walter Cronkite’s dead
The bats have left the bell tower
The victims have been bled
Red velvet lines the black box
Walter Cronkite’s dead
Undead undead undead
The virginal brides file past his tomb
Strewn with time’s dead flowers
Bereft in deathly bloom
Alone in a darkened room
The count
Walter Cronkite’s dead
Undead undead undead
Jesus, Gretchen, I didn’t WISH he would die. Just thought it was his time.
DId you know- Walter was an only child?
On IPOD right now- “Add It Up”- Violent Femmes
Here’s a little Ezra Pound to get your week started:
Damn it all! all this our South stinks peace.
You whoreson dog, Papiols, come! Let’s to music!
I have no life save when the swords clash.
But ah! when I see the standards gold, vair, purple, opposing
And the broad fields beneath them turn crimson,
Then howl I my heart nigh mad with rejoicing.
The man who fears war and squats opposing
My words for stour, hath no blood of crimson
But is fit only to rot in womanish peace
Far from where worth’s won and the swords clash
For the death of such sluts I go rejoicing;
Yea, I fill all the air with my music.
(From Sestina: Altaforte)
Good news fellow Surf Reporters – The ConAgra plant in Garner, NC is reopening after the fatal explosion an couple months ago. The Slim Jim production should be back in full operation within the next 2 months. You can stop hoarding those tasty little sausages now.
Sigmund Freud once wrote, “It is tragic when a man outlives his body.”
No greater orator, his word where as soldiers.
Marching off to a distant battle, a freedom to deliver.
The voice as of cannon booms and great explosions.
Each report, resonating with precise damage.
The visions of war, still fresh upon the screen.
And the battle draws to a close with his final words.
And that’s the way it is.
By Shiny Rod (Copyright 2009)
Please, I don’t want to start a political war, but I thought I’d intoduce this (and I’m assuming we’d play sort of nice):
Worst Failure Ever Attributed to Google Bombing Republicans
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1960096/worst_failure_ever_attributed_to_google_pg0.html?cat=15#comments
-to which I commented the following:
Wait, “unscrupulous Republican groups?”
When this happened to Bush a few years ago, everyone thought it was funny.
Now, it happens to your (press, general internet idiots) golden boy, it’s a travesty. Michael Moore and Nancy Pelosi are huddled together with a box of kleenex and quart of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough, wringing their hands and wondering how this could have happened.
Well – I have my tombstone up as of last week. You see my son was killed last year in a car accident and my brother died as well from a suicide attempt a month later. I ordered the things in March and you know it might have been better to have an idea of what you want before you are faced with having to actually do it. The man there was all afluster with terms like footers and headers and slants and there were books of carvings and fonts…..a head swimming exercise to break up your sanity.
I had to have a stone for my son’s grave as it just seemed too lonely and forlorn w/o one. But it was incredibly strange to see my name and dates on there as well.
Man, how many lunches do you eat?