Our upstairs toilet is sealed-off tighter than the USS Skipjack fighter sub. We’re going on Day Three, I believe, and can’t break through whatever is plugging it up. We’ve plunged and prodded, and even poured hot water into the bowl. But nothing can penetrate the turd wall.
One of our boys was the last to use it, of course. Whenever a toilet overflows in this house, it has their fingerprints all over it… so to speak. I don’t know what it is about teenagers, but they can apparently unleash eliminations like something out of the ham case at Wegmans. Good god! Have a glass of water every once in a while…
Anyway, I’m about ready to give up and call a plumber. The upstairs catcher has been out of commission since Friday, I think, and we’re not able to fix the problem.
We even went out and bought a ludicrous “eel,” equipped with a crank and shit auger. Yeah, and what a waste of money that turned out to be… We also purchased some idiotic-looking super-plunger. Ha! Might as well flush those twelve dollars down the… ah hell, I can’t even do that! Man, I’m starting to get whipped-up over here!!
I know some of you will advise me to remove the entire toilet, go out and buy a Watson 257-E something or other, perform the double-flowback procedure, etc. etc. And that ain’t gonna happen. I mean, seriously. I have trouble changing the ink cartridges in my printer.
No, I’m gonna have to call the man. We wanted to avoid it, because he charges $75.00 just to walk through the front door, then starts adding from there. And right now is not the time to be throwing money around. Sheesh. It never stops.
Hey, wonder if I could have an industrial paper shredder customized and attached below the seat of the toilet, so it would act almost like a wood-chipper and cut down on the trauma being loosed on our plumbing system every day? Is that feasible? Please let me know your thoughts.
And since we’re on the subject, kinda sorta, I know a guy who went to TGI Friday’s on Friday night, ordered boneless chicken wings, tossed the leftovers into the backseat of his car… and ate them while driving to work yesterday.
“They were warm from the sun,” he said. “I didn’t even have to heat them up!”
Heh. Predictably, he spent the rest of the night near or atop a toilet. It’s a wonder they didn’t have to LifeFlight his ass to the Warren G. Harding Food Poisoning Clinic. Crazy.
I know I’m probably jinxing myself, big time, but I’ve never had food poisoning. Even after eating roughly a million restaurant meals during my life… Apparently I’ve been lucky, because almost everybody I know has a horror story or two.
Toney, for instance, had shrimp at a restaurant in Valencia years ago (a place called Sisley), and was sick for a week. It was around the time Princess Diana died, and she still groans when she sees footage of the funeral.
And I know this one is kinda short, but that’s the way it goes sometimes. For a Question, predictably enough, please tell us your personal stories about food poisoning, as well as any stopped-up, overflowing toilet tales you might know. Use the comments link below.
And finally, to get all PBS ‘n’ shit with ya, I’m going to occasionally update you guys on the progress of Yurtathon 2010. I’m going to need to raise a certain amount of money (not all that much, actually), to go back to the yurt village and finish my book, sometime in September. And every shirt sale, and beer contribution, will go toward that goal.
And right now we’re at 10% of the target. So, please buy yourself a shirt or three, and help me get back to the ridiculous roundhouse in the woods.
Thanks for your continued support!
I’ll see you again tomorrow.
madz1962: Hey..you never know. Distant cuzins’?
I was going to start this off with a TMI warning, but apparently if you are this far into the thread you really don’t need it.
Once, about 15 yeas back, the now Ex wife and I went somewhere in the northern VA area for a nice dinner on a Friday night. Now I have the genetic luck of the draw to have a bit of a “gassy” metabolism. Where we ate, and what we ate is lost in the crumbling file cabinets of my mind. But the result….. Oh MY.
I spent the weekend exiled to the second floor of the house with all windows open. The family made do on the first floor. Every 5-6 minutes an eruption of gas occurred that would do a large elephant proud. nonstop. from Friday late until Monday during the day. The eruptions were punctuated by many episodes of frothy, foamy bowel movements. They were the consistency of a defrosted Mcdonald’s shake.
Plus the funk, oh good ogg the funk. I couldn’t even stand it myself. The wife attempted a brief visit sometime Sunday, and that lasted all of about 48 seconds before she turned and ran.
The dog even abandoned me.
A creature that enjoys rolling in dead things and poop could not stand to be near me.
Whatever intestinal bug did it to me I hope i never catch it again. I don’t think I could go a second round with it.
I’ve been lucky, no major food poisoning. Just the occasional discomfort from something questionable.
Didn’t you get a new toilet in the throneroom not that long ago? Heres something I read, dealing with low flow toilets. One reason why pipes tend to clog with them is that they do not put out enough water with the flush to lubricate the pipes, so as you try to eject your shitburg, it eventually stops due to lack of water to carry it all the way to the street. The suggestion, and its something you can try is to flush before producing a shitburg in order to wet the pipes, and enhance it travel on its way to meet the titanic.
Something else, is your toilet a mutlistage flush? Quick handle push for urine, hold the handle for a full flush? Those kids of yours holding the handle sufficiently long to ensure a full water flush? Otherwise you end up with the same problem as the low flow dry pipe condition and things get stuck.
One more question, is your upstairs throne room on the street side or backyard side of the house? Street side would get me to thinking theres a pipe problem between the house and sewer. Backside (heh) of the house and it may be the dry pipe phenomena.
Forgot to say, when your plumber shows up, find out how far he thinks the clog was after he clears it. That’ll help pinpoint your trouble spot, your drain auger just may not be long enough to reach the constipated portion of your pipes.
Mix Alli in with all the Secrets’ meals, that way their turdbergs turn into nice slick grease pools that flow smooth and easy through all the pipes in the house.
Not a great topic for me, since I’m eating lunch right now. I just returned from a local Asian market (it’s Irvine. They’re everywhere.), where I purchased a “sashimi vegetable salad” for lunch. Chopped up tuna, yellowtail, and salmon (all uncooked, of course), with tobico (flying fish roe), atop a great pile of greenery and sliced veggies. It tasted great, until I started reading the update.
Although I regularly enjoy sushi, I’m worried now.
I might have a really good comment later. Hopefully not.
icecycle66 – I liken that ALLI shit leakage to a Manwich Volcano.
The “Muffin Monster” is very much yes!
I have a strong constitution, and will eat almost anything left out of the fridge, but a weekend in the back seat for chicken is a bit much, even for me. Where I used to work, there was a homeless guy who would scrounge the dumpsters looking for food. One day, I saw him with a huge clear garbage bag full of fried chicken. I asked, and he said it was from the dumpster of KFC. I tried to explain the possible issues, but he just said, “Naw, it’s OK, it’s OK!”
Joe
@Linda – they kind of do have toilet garbage disposals. If you have a toilet below the waste water pipe (e.g. in your basement) then you may need a turd chewer to help overcome gravity. My god they must be awful things when they break 🙂
If the tub/shower/sink are draining properly, the blockage must be near the toilet, no?
Q: Who told you to buy a Toto, on this here forum?
A: Me.
Q: Would the money lost initially on the Toto have been compensated for by now by no visits from Joe Plumber?
A: I’m guessing, yes.
Q: Is there anything worse than a person who tells you “told you so”
A: Probably not. But here I am. The unclogged-since-buying-a-Toto-Swede
Food poisoning: Fish in 1979. It was one of those illnesses where you pray to God and ask him to just kill you because it is so bad. Ended up going to the hospital and having them inject some miracle elixir in my left ass cheek. After that, it was a diet of fluids for the next 3 days.
Toilets: Little Valley Speedway in New York State. I had my three year old daughter with me, so I had to take her into the men’s room so she could pee. We got into the one remaing empty stall, and I swear, there was a mountain of shit inside the bowl that was so tall the the top of it protruded over the seat. I deftly held the kid up over the rim and had her do her thing. Ohhhh…and don’t let me get started on telling you about the smell!
Same daughter was responsible for my last excursion into home plumbing. Green plastic frog bathtub toys don’t flush very well. I had to remove the toilet from the base to get to it…at 2 AM!
Weirdest toilet I have ever seen was at a remote weather station in Alaska. After you took a dump, you pushed a button and these heating elements came on and incinerated the fecal material. And no, it didn’t work very well.
Once got food poisoning while doing my night job — party DJ. It was a New Years Eve party and I must’ve got ahold of some bad sausage & peppers. It didn’t hit me until the following morning, bad news was I had to go to my day job at the record store. Yep, we were open New Years day and I couldn’t get anyone to cover for me. I was manager on duty that day so I spent the whole day in the back office, never more than 10 steps from the john. Tryi getting sympathy from anyone when you’re sick on New Year’s day and they all just assume you overindulged the night before.
I have the constitution of a rat. I, like the rat, can not regurgitate. The last time I heaved was the end of 1982, and it hit me so suddenly it was scary. Both ends at once, as is the normal result.
Back in 1970, I was 14 and had broken my collarbone in gym class. A week later I’m playing in the woods across from my house and decide to break a bottle over a rock. Here I am all trussed up with my right shoulder immobilized, and now a streaming line of blood from my lacerated finger. Now I’ve got a gigantic bandage on my left middle finger to go aling with the cast and Ace bandage on my shoulder.
What followed was a stomach virus so bad that I wanted to die. Try wiping yourself for a week with your off hand which has a huge bandage on it.
About a year ago I got horrific food poisoning from a really dubious McDonalds that is known for a really sketchy staff. I should have known better but it was late at night and I was in a hurry. I paid the price.
As for toilets they all tremble at my approach. Even pre-lowflows had trouble with my leavings. The new low flow toilets in my house are utterly and completely overwhelmed. I’ve spent hours sometimes trying to unplug them. I’m going to install an American Standard Champion 4 model. It can supposedly flush small household pets if you’re not careful. We shall see if it can deal with my leavings.
If I were you Jeff I’d just tell the plumber to hook you up with an American Standard Champion 4. It would be cheaper than a couple more plumber calls and save you a lot of time spent cursing and plunging.
never had food poisoning unless you talk to my farmer employers.
tell that kid that he broke it so he can fix it.
love the where jeff lived pics. I lived in ATL and miss it. Sort of. The star bar was my bar for about a year.
I once told a singer (Kelly Hogan) that I thought it was cool that she covered Summertime by Sublime. Yeah, I’m a fuckwit.
Here’s a question, slightly political so forgive me and/or ignore me.
But does anyone esle feel that the more talk radio bullshit there is there is actually less freedom of speech? (In an ironic twist).
I don’t mean people shutting down dr. laura or glen beck. I mean those people bitching about what actually goes on in this country.
My example would be that all of us could tell jeff he sucks and that’s our right, the government can’t. Jeff, you don’t suck, it’s just an example.
I’m rambling, I had some beers earlier and then denny’s coffee and the goddamn cheese stick and grilled cheese sammich.
Ohhhh, i want the cheese stick grilled sandwich so badly. I am thinkg of flying my wife off to Paris just to get the freedom needed to go eat that thing.
How was it? was it awesome?
Enjoy a pony keg, Jeff – courtesy of me and the Missus. Just make sure you post some of our honeymoon ‘Smoking Fish’ pictures, whenever the hell we get around to sending them.
Sunshine in vagina?
You should clap that thing shut before you get a case of clit-burn.
“in_va” – as in “In Virginia”
It….was….delicious!
I may never poop again, though.
One of the worst food poisoning experiences ever was during a backpack holiday in Indonesia. After being served fried rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner, KFC’s seemed like the western oasis we longed for. That turned out to be a big mistake, I suspect the corn that was floating in luke warm water. Bacterias over here please! No shit-control whatosever for days.
Also – during that holiday a newspaper boy was holding out his newspaper while we were having one of our fried rice dinners. I made the colonial “no thanks” gesture (imagine the white uniform and hat), but he would not move, so I had to look at his newspaper shouting the grim news of Lady Di’s death on the front. Ofcourse I bought the paper and still have it somewhere on the attic.
You probably have tree roots in your pipes. Nothing will cut through them but a professional plumber. The last time we had these kinds of problems I flushed a spoon down the toidy when I was cleaning out the nasties out of the fridge.