A couple weeks ago I had a Netflix meltdown. I’d been watching nothing but old TV shows for a long time, and it had become boring. The discs would lie on our coffee table for weeks, because I had little interest in watching them, and we were paying $17 a month for the privilege.
So I flew off the handle and mailed everything back. Then I went to my queue and removed most TV shows, and moved the rest way down the list. I also changed my plan from three-at-a-time to one-at-a-time, with a new strategy of renting movies only.
When I threw this little tantrum I’d just paid my latest $17, so I had almost a full month left at the old plan. Which means I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately. Probably more during the past month than the previous six months combined… And really enjoying it.
But now the one-at-a-time plan has kicked-in, and I think I might’ve made a tactical error. We’ll see how it goes, but I was just starting to get into Netflix again, and it’s all going to slow down to a pitiful trickle.
People always say couples should never go to bed angry. But I think it might be equally important to never perform queue maintenance while angry. Perhaps I’ll write a self-help book about it?
Over the weekend I watched The Wackness, and Transsiberian. I gave the former two stars, because it sucks very much, and the latter four stars. Transsiberian isn’t going to make Alfred Hitchcock’s husky ghost worried or anything, but I found it entertaining. And the setting was unusual and beautiful.
I also have Pineapple Express at home, and will probably watch it on Friday. Then there will be a dead spot for several days, while I wait for the next disc to arrive. I don’t think there’s been a single day during the past three or four years when there wasn’t at least one Netflix disc in this house.
Will somebody please hold me?
A couple days ago I went to Rite-Aid to get postal tape, and ended up also buying two enormous jars of Planters dry roasted peanuts. They were buy-one-get-one-free, and looked mighty good to me.
When Toney got home from work she saw them sitting on the kitchen counter, and did a full double-take. They’re huge; after we’re finished with the contents, we could use the glass containers to make a pair of living room lamps.
“That’s why I don’t allow you to go to the grocery store with me,” she said. “Look at those things!”
Then she poured a few into her hand, and couldn’t stop eating them all weekend. “See!” I kept telling her. “I know about these kinds of things. You doubt me, but I know.”
My right tennis (tenna) shoe is suddenly making a wanka wanka noise when I walk. It reminds me of the soundtrack to a 1970s porn film, back when a couple having sex looked like the Doobie Bros. playing rugby.
I complained about it to a woman at work, and she said, “Hey, they’re Skechers. What do you expect?”
What the hell does that mean?
The older Secret was supposed to have a swim meet yesterday, and we were obligated to “donate” something to the concession stand. It’s something along the lines of forced volunteering, but whatever.
Toney said she’d bring melted cheese for the nachos, and it was already in the Crockpot when I got out of bed. Then they canceled the meet, about thirty minutes before it was to start. Supposedly the other team had a lot of snow in their area, and folks were unable to travel.
Therefore… we had about five gallons of hot liquefied cheese, and nothing to do with it. OK, maybe it was only about two gallons, but you know what I mean.
We had nachos with lunch, and they were good, but it would take a full three months to eat through that bucket of boiled-down Velveeta. What the hell, man?!
So Toney started making calls, offering to deliver hot cheese to the front doors of all her friends. And nobody turned her down! If someone made me such an offer, I would almost certainly say no. It’s just the way I roll. But these people said bring it on.
One person required a trade, though. She was stuck with a galvanized washtub full of pasta salad, and said we’d have to take some of it off her hands, if she agreed to accept a gravy boat of liqui-cheese.
How does weird shit like this keep happening to us?
I’ll leave you now with a Question based on current events. Since there was an amazing happy ending to the USAirways jet “crash” last week, I’d like to know about the scariest thing you’ve ever experienced on an airplane.
Thankfully, most of my flights have been uneventful, but I’ll never forget one of them. I was flying into Charleston, WV from somewhere (Cleveland?), on one of those little Patsy Cline planes, and went through some hellacious turbulence. By the time we landed, my entire body had practically turned to stone. I’d never been so tense in all my life. I think every muscle reduced in size by 25%.
So, that’s your Question for today, boys and girls. Use the comments section below.
And I’ll see ya tomorrow.
I was on a commuter flight from New York to Boston, the final leg of a long international flight. We were almost at altitude, but still climbing, when there was a big bang, as if the plane had hit something. Which is fairly improbable in the middle of the sky. Every passenger, myself included, was fully alert and looking around the cabin as if they would find the source of the bang somewhere under the seats or in an overhead compartment. After about five minutes, which seemed like five hours, the pilot made an announcement. He launched into the usual “We are flying at X thousand feet blah blah blah” and then, at the end of the announcement, very casual, he said “Oh, and by the way, we were hit by lightning during our ascent.” WTF? You might could’ve mentioned that a bit earlier. The rest of the filght was fine.
Pineapple Express is awesome.
I was on a little twin rotor helicopter flown by some Navy guys from a base in Guam toward the small island of Tinian in the middle of whatever ocean is out there. For whatever reason, I was the only guy who didn’t have working headphones, so I could not hear the conversation on the intercom.
I happened to look up and see the other guys flying with me all casually brace themselves when the pilot of the craft headed straight down for the water. I did not shit my pants but I did lose nearly all coolness points by turning white as a sheet.
As we dropped hundreds of feet really rapidly, one of the guys with me napped. He had as they say, been there, done that more than a few times. Finally, when the helicopter started to level off and change directions in flight, the crew chief walked over to me and pulled my headphones off and yelled into my ear that we were just avoiding some weather.
Then, everybody, even the guy taking a nap all looked at me and laughed and called me the biggest known pussy in the Air Force.
@ Tony, yea, you’e right. It was Scott. I was just so happy to get a precision radar approach to land. They could see exactly where I was, and what I was doing, and ‘talked’ me down!
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
You ever seen a grown man naked?
Loneliness, that’s the bottom line. I was never happy as a child… Christmas, Ted, what does that mean to you? It was living hell. Do you know what it’s like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head? With an iron boot? Of course you don’t, no one does, that never happens. Sorry, Ted, skip that, it’s a dumb question.
Not only do I like to “people watch” but I also have a knack for noticing…oddities. So my husband and I are waiting for a flight from St. Louis to Vegas and I immediately spot a woman sporting some very colorful attire and a man haircut that is bleached white. Like Annie Lennox, only, the big and tall version. After studying her for a while (trying to determine if she’s albino or what) I hear she and her husband have heavy British accents and I just knew they would be a source of amusement for me for the rest of the flight. And they didn’t disappoint, about halfway through our flight the albino apparently passes out, or something, and here come the steward/esses dragging oxygen tanks down the aisle. We nearly had to turn around but thankfully the old girl came to and we continued on our way. Apparently she had taken “too much medication”.
I was flying from honolulu to guam on a 747 in the 70’s,we were a hour out of hawaii when the capt. turned all the lights on and announced we were having a problem with #3 engine.were we ever! I looked out the window and it was burning like a shingle factory.the pilot said we were going to have to ditch but he was going to try to get back to hawaii.the engine burned all the way back and was still burning when we landed still full of fuel and slid down the chutes and ran like wild people. the replacement plane the nest day only had the brave ons and pan am treated us like royalty.
Yeah, my scary flight involved being hit by lightning, too. I was sitting right on top of the wing, with the engine visible from my window. The lightning must have actually hit the engine, because there was a huge flash, and I was sure the thing had just exploded.
My captain took his time allaying our fears as well. It seemed like about ten minutes before he told us what had happened.
The scariest flight I ever experienced was a return trip from New Orleans to Harrisburg, PA. About a half hour outside of Harrisburg we got caught in a hellacious thunderstorm that created terrible turbulence. We circled the airport for over an hour, which was highly confusing. If you are in an airplane IN THE SKY during a thunderstorm, wouldn’t it make sense to COME DOWN? Anyway, my brother (who hates to fly) was more than a bit tense. Sometime around the fifty minute mark of the hour we were circling, he yelled at absolute top volume, “LAND THIS FUCK!”
I was the only one who found it amusing.
Worst flights ever were the flying Winnebagos from Boston to Albany in the 80’s. They bounced from cloud to cloud and in the winter you felt cold wind rush under your feet while they pitched and yawed the length of the Mass Pike.
DID have an interesting flight out of Ft Lauderdale one time – first takeoff aborted, second aborted – each time followed by maniacal tapping and frowning at the engines by the maintenance crew. Made it aloft on the 3rd try and spent the remainder of the flight enjoying the sweet aroma of nervous sweat from 150 of my seatmates.
I’m starting to think that this whole ‘topic of the day’ business is just a scam Jeff started to get free content. He should pick the best story each month and give them a hat or something.
My scariest plane trip.
I was flying a short hop from Indianapolis to Chicago and seated in from of me were three unrelated women. A young college girl, a middle-aged housewife and an elderly grandmother. I know it sounds like I’m starting a joke but this was real.
About 30 seconds after the 3rd one sat down they started talking. And talking. And talking. For about an hour there wasn’t a single break as each woman would pick up the slack when one of the other got tired. It was in a word – amazing.
About 20 minutes in I turned to my seat mate and we exchanged smirks, he clearly was enjoying the show as much as I was.
Finally our plane landed and everyone stood up to get their things when it happened. Douche-bag sitting next to me says real loudly. “Wow ladies thanks for the show!”
They looked at him like he was crazy. “I don’t think you women stopped talking for an hour, it was very impressive.”
Then time stopped as he turned his head toward me and nodded to include me. “The two of us really enjoyed it.”
They all looked at me, dagger in their eyes. All I could think to do was look at the guy like I had never seen him before and then get the hell out of there.
Lefty McLiberal,
You should have done what I’d do in that situatiuon. Pull out your penis. It always seems to break things up. Whenever I’m in a crazy situation, I expose myself. Works.
My problem isn’t so much the flights as it is flights getting cancelled and stranding me somewhere. One time I was coming back from a business trip and I had a flight from Utah to DFW, and then connecting to Lubbock. Well it was the worst freaking ice storm in north Texas history, so I get in to DFW about 1 hour before they shut the whole fing thing down, and I am stranded in Dallas. They rescheduled my connecting flight for FIVE DAYS later. Five days!!! I didn’t even know that was possible!
Being from Michigan, I decide to rent a car and drive the 350 miles. It took me 14 hours. Yes, the roads were that bad. I must have been insane. I saw so many accidents I lost count.
Now I buy the trip insurance.
just an FYI you can freeze excess nacho and reheat it at a later date…at one point and time due to a nacho sale fiasco my freezer was stock piled with the stuff!
Hey… It kept you out or Lubbock for a while longer. Count your blessings.
On Rocky Mountain Air (Scare)ways, we hit turbulence and I watched my soda leave the cup, go up to the ceiling of the plane and come back down into the cup – all in about 2 seconds. We were flying from Denver to Craig, Colorado. I”ve never been so scared.
I got onto my plane and I was seated at the very back. I was trying to stuff a backpack into the overhead compartment, but they were all full. Then the stewardess says there is room up at the front of the plane. So I hoist my backpack high above my head and walk to the front of the aircraft. As I approached the front, another stewardess runs toward me and tells me a (metal) buckle was hanging down from my backpack and I had just smacked everyone in the isle in the back of the head with it.
I turned around and there was thirty angry people rubbing the backs of their heads, all giving me the evil stare. Oh yes, I nearly died on an airplane!
I’ve been on a couple turbulent flights, but nothing worth mentioning. I was on a Delta flight between LAX and Salt Lake City once when the pilot got lost taxiing around LAX in the fog. Had to call one of those little trucks over to back the plane up finally because he apparently got stuck in a dead-end.
I will not be reading any of these comments since I will be flying in April and am already scared to death.
I never fly if I can help it. I get air pressure sickness a lot (though now as an adult I can overmedicate) and I always seem to end up on the flights with turbulence issues. Just about all of my flights have been unpleasant, but experiences two stand out.
(1) Flying into La Guardia from Iceland. We hit a real bad ice storm. The pilot, who would make announcements in Icelandic then English, forewent the English and screeched something in Icelandic over the speakers. The hard partying Icelanders, who had formally been treating the flight like their own personal dance party, immediately got quiet, dropped into their seats, and quickly fastened their seatbelts. To this day I have no idea if we were in trouble or not, but it felt like a rocky landing. The kind where you look out on the wing and expect to see a gremlin doing it’s worst.
(2) Flying into Newark from Germany. We hit extreme turbulence. The sort where luggage and people sail around like the Flying Wallendas. For thirty fucking minutes. They had just served German meats prior to this and most everyone commenced with violent barfing. And screaming. And crying. Oh it was grand!
I was sitting next to a perverted Italian with a stash of Japanese school girl porn that he fervently clung to. I was distressed by the thought of spending eternity with this douchebag. I was also dressed in European style clothing and, funny enough, worried that they’d be unable to identify my charred remains because of the stupid platform club shoes I was wearing. Stupid German fashion!
Anyway, the pilot eventually managed to wrestle the plane onto the runway. And surprisingly I didn’t toss my cookies, although I was sweating ridiculous amounts. Those of us still in one piece had to stay in our seats until the medical crew removed the injured and sick. And my salient memory from afterward is walking out of the plane next to a middle aged woman who was clutching her chest and repeatedly murmuring, “Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!”
That was1997 and I haven’t flown since.
I’m sorry, full of true sincere regret. I’ll never attempt to be somebody I’m not in the comments section again.
With regards,
JCIII
Scariest flight I ever gave someone: 1993, as a student pilot in Parkersburg, the company I took lessons from used to leave a set of keys under the seat of one of their planes so I could go flying after I left work at my nightclub at 2 AM.
I was a student pilot and was able to solo. Of course, I was in my 20’s and stupid…more money than brains at the time. And since no one was around when I went flying in the middle of the night, I usually brought along a friend or two on my “solo” flights. Totally illegal, of course to be a student pilot and fly around with passengers.
So, one night a drummer from a lesser known heavy metal band asks if I’ll take him up flying with me. “Sure, I said. Let’s go after we close.
We’re flying along north over the Ohio River, past St. Mary’s, up to New Martinsville, then I turn and head back to good ol’ Gil Robb Wilson Field in P’burg.
By this time, my drummer musician pal was settling well into his first time in the air. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a joint and asked if I minded if he lit up. “No problem,” I said.
He was toking away and asked if I wanted a hit. I declined, and we flew on through the dark star encrusted night.
As I set up my approach to land, my friend grew a bit apprehensive. He asked, “How many landings have you made all by yourself?”
I told him, “Actually, this will be the first one, but my flight instructor said I’m a whiz on the Microsoft Flight Simulator.”
Through a marijuana haze, he sat rigid…staring out into what he anticipated as certain doom. I landed gently, and we taxied back to the parking area…as I laughed my butt off at him.
How do you know when there’s a pilot in the room?
He’ll tell you.
I took many prop flights while in college, generally Clarksburg/Pittsburgh/Boston/Bangor. The WORST actually hit on a major flight out of Dulles.
After about 60 minutes of just sitting on the plane, the pilot announced that all passengers had to get off the plane and be reassigned to another flight.
Apparently, there was an issue with the DOOR CLOSING. The mechanics took the door off to find the problem —and couldn’t figure out how to put it back ON.
Yeah. I REALLY wanted to fly after that.
I used to know a guy that was in school to be an airplane mechanic. I try not to think about that idiot when I’m 30,000 feet up in the air.
Had an aborted landing once when flying in to Philly. Our little commuter plane almost landed on the back of another one.
On 9/11/2001 I was on an Air Canada flight taxiing to the runway to get in line for take-off around 930 in the morning. They eventually, of course, sent us back to the terminal and a bunch of people whipped out their cell phones to tell whomever that they were going to be late. Imagine the shock that swept through the cabin as people heard via cell phone about the morning’s events in NYC.
I saw a plane crash once, from about 2 miles away. I was on a school trip to Milwaukee in May 1979 and we were going around Chicago at one point – passing O’Hare airport on the left side of the bus. All of a sudden this big black and orange fireball brewed up in to the sky. Turned out later that a DC-10 took off and one of its engines fell off and the resulting crash killed everybody aboard (and maybe a few people on the ground too, I don’t know).
In the early 90s I was flying into the Alaska back country in a bush plane. Seriously. My pilot had to land on a very sketchy landing strip a half a mile or so from the cabin I would be staying in. We made a low pass looking for obstructions and seeing none went around to make our landing. We apparently missed a quite large rut hidden by grass which has been washed out by heavy rains. We hit the hole and sheared off one of the landing gear and went careening off into the trees which tore up some of the plane’s skin and one of the wings. Other than some bumps and scrapes and bruises we were fine. The plane was pretty beat up and it took several days of flying mechanics and parts in to get it up and running.
Oh the pilot was seriously pissed. Cursed a blue streak from the moment we crashed until he closed the door to take off again after the plane was repaired. Trouble was that he had a stuttering problem. It took every once of self control I had not to bust out laughing when he tried to curse. D-d-d-d-amn m-m-m-mm-otherf-f-f-f-f-uckckckcker. I think it was worth the sheer terror and nightmares just to be able to witness a stuttering man attempt to curse for days on end.
I have a Netflix suggestion for you. The Secrets have an Xbox right? do the instant queue thing with all the tv shows and watch them via the xbox (you can go through as many as you want on the instant queue regardless of how many disks your plan is on) and only put movies on the mailed queue. Thats what we have been doing and it works out good. We managed to watch Seasons 1 & 2 of Friday Night Lights 2 weekends ago (yep no life) just in time to watch Season 3 premier last Friday (again – did I mention the lack of life?)
My worst airplane experience was on a Continental flight departing from Boston. The runways there end and drop off into Boston Harbor. We began our roll down the runway, throttling up and rolling pretty good when all of a sudden the engines are thrown into reverse and the brakes are hit HARD. We are all thrown forward face first into the seat in front of us, with my seat belt buckle wrapped around my spine. Then I start to realize that planes on the ground don’t seem to slow down very fast, that we must be getting close to the end of the runway, and that there is a harbor full of cold sea water waiting for us at the end. We did manage to stop in time and make the turn, but sure enough the harbor was right there. As we taxi back the pilot comes on and says a warning light went off, but they think it’s probably a faulty warning. And I’m thinking there will be a delay while we find out. But by the time we got back to the beginning of the runway the pilot had come back on and said they determined it was faulty and we were going to try it again. Um, are there mechanics flying this plane, how do they know it was a faulty warning message? We did take off, this time we got airborne with no other incidents. But it was in the back of my mind all the way to Denver.
FYI, my wife’s ex is an alcoholic, and a mechanic for a major airline. We don’t fly that airline.
Every single time I’ve had to fly in to Chicago Midway has been unpleasant. As you com down, you look out the window & see water. Then, you see city. Then, you’re looking in people’s yards. Then, you land on a runway roughly 20 feet long. Every time, I’ve had to have the seat cushion surgically removed due to pucker factor. And, one of those times, my conneting flight to Springfield was cancelled, since they only filled 5 of the 10 seats on the Saab prop plane. So, I spent 8 hours in that shithole airport, drinking $7 Bud Lights, watching football. Well, ok, that part was fun. But by the time I got to Springfield, the entire airport was shut down, except for our terminal. So, I couldn’t get a car, to get to Quincy. So, I sat in a hotel in Springfield that night. Cleared out the mini bar. Thank god it was on the company dime.
Clintcurtis. I used to be in civil air patrol at good old Gil Rob Wilson field. Until one night after class me and my friend made a six foot tall snow dick in front of the airport terminal.
Sunshine.
That crash in Chicago was the worst in the US until 9/11 I think. The engine fell off because when AA repaired the engine they hoisted it up to the wing on a forklift and cracked the pylon. Engine came off and took the hydraulics with it, takeoff is the last place where you want to lose your flight controls and 1/3rd of your power.
Since I work in the aviation maintenance industry I don’t mind flying. I know that most airlines have fairly good maintenance and the things that slip through the cracks now tend to be minor-ish.
Just watched Max Payne and it was a lullaby. 3 out of 4 of us fell asleep. Marky-Mark Wahlberg could not keep me awake (what??) and I was estatic to see Jackie (Mila Kunis) from That 70’s Show is a leading role on film.
Husb was the only one that stayed awake. He played the video game heartily and hated the movie as well.
Sketchers kick-ass! She’s a douche.
If ANYONE called me offering liqui-cheese, I’d have to say bring it on. too!
Airplane story:
I was in a commuter plane from Detroit to Toledo and it was like a 4 seater. I swear. I actually opened up the barf bag and put it in front of me cause I felt it coming and THAT has never happened. Didn’t barf. Def turned green.
They just do not handle turbulence that well.
If you like netflix a lot, you might like a Roku box. Flat $100 to buy the box, instant streaming of a good number of their titles, included with your netflix plan (you can do the same thing with a tivo or xbox, I’m told). I love mine. I’m on the 1 dvd plan, but have a good 75 titles in my instant watch queue that I can see whenever I want…or whenever I get around to them.
oh, and the scariest landing I ever had? we didn’t land. we did an emergency go around (in Hong Kong) and diverted to another frickin COUNTRY (taiwan) where we sat on a runway for like 6 hours.
the “normal” part of the approach was bad enough, it was just like this:
http://www.fmas.co.uk/Korean%20Aircargo%20Kai%20Tak%2001.jpg
and THEN we did an emergency go-around
Jeff, let us know how you like Pineapple Express. Laugh out loud funny the entire way through. Many characters hit close to home during the younger years.
I have to agree with CBS about Pineapple Express. I really like all the actors and wanted to love the movie. There are only so many pot jokes one can stand until the dialogue becomes pointless. My point of reference is Fast Times at Ridgemont High and in my humble opinion it doesn’t even compare. But hey.. what do I know?
I had an on-the-ground plane accident a few years ago. I was on an Independence Air flight (short-lived, small airline operating out of DC) on my way from NC to Pittsburgh on a wintry Christmas Eve a few years ago. There was a storm up and down the east coast, and we were stuck in Washington for several hours waiting for our plane to come in so that we could leave. During that time, I saw an irate passenger pick up a walkie-talkie off of the airline desk and fling it at a desk worker’s head. We were finally put on the plane, and then forced to disembark because it took so long to de-ice the plane that our assigned crew would have exceeded their FAA-mandated maximum shift limits before we landed in Pittsburgh. We spent another few hours in the terminal, until Independence was able to find us another crew for our plane which had been sitting at our gate for hours (by the way, it would have been faster at that point to have driven in the snow from Raleigh-Pittsburgh).
We finally get on the plane again, everyone gets settled, and the flight attendant starts the procedure to take off. As we are sitting there, our plane is jolted — hard. The woman in the seat behind me screeches “Oh my God, that plane just hit us!” Everyone on the plane looks at her and starts laughing (at her) until we realized that airport personnel were running towards our plane from all directions and staring up at our plane. It turns out that the plane at the gate next to us (which had also been delayed by several hours) had pushed off and backed right into my plane, damaging their wing and shearing off part of the tail of my plane. Both planes were too damaged to fly, so all of the passengers on both planes were sent back into the terminal until new crews and planes could be located. It was a wreck, and my (no-cell-phone-having) father-in-law waited for us in the Pittsburgh airport for about 8 hours.
I thought Pineapple Express was hilarious.